Wive's, There is Hope!

By Linda

Those of us who are wives recovering from our husband’s sexual sin are in different places in our marriages and healing journeys. To those of you who are still married and are holding onto the hope of a miraculous healing in your marriage, I would like to say a few things.

Is there really a chance that your heart can heal and your brokenness be redeemed? Is there any reason to believe that your husband could really be devoted to you rather than his promiscuous fantasies? Will you ever truly be able to trust him again?

To all of these questions, and many more, I answer a resounding YES!

For those of you who don’t know me very well, I’ve been married for almost 37 years to a man (Dan) who has been a porn addict for 30+ of those years. We have ridden the roller coaster of supposed recovery for many decades, each “high” time only to hit another wall of deception, lies and disclosure. This past February I left for the fourth and last time. After five long weeks of living out of boxes and other people’s homes, God led me to return home with no guarantees. I had to trust Him above what my earthly eyes, and my broken heart, could see.

But… this time has been different. Those five weeks God was at work, preparing both of our hearts for what seemed to be an impossible task: make our marriage thrive. See, we were never meant to just survive, we were meant to thrive!

My PTSD has caused me to be terrified of adding more trauma onto an already shattered heart (my family of origin was very abusive/neglectful) and Dan’s intimacy anorexia has been the backbone of his addictions. Was there any chance that the two could be brought to Jesus’ feet and the transformation begun? I’m here to tell you that it has indeed been a miracle in the making! God is faithful and will eventually finish (as we allow Him) what He started. “The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the good news to the poor; He has sent Me to announce release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to send forth as delivered those who are oppressed (who are downtrodden, bruised, crushed, and broken down by calamity), To proclaim the accepted and acceptable year of the Lord (the day when salvation and the free favors of God profusely abound).” Luke 4:18-19 Amplified.

We are in a battle for our marriages, our children, our hearts, our families. I want to encourage you to look to your Maker for strength and deliverance, and make prayer a priority: Ephesians 6:12 “For we are not wrestling with flesh and blood (contending only with physical opponents), but against the despotisms, against the powers, against (the master spirits who are) the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly (supernatural) sphere.”

Only God can reveal to you what your personal road should look like. But I’m here to say that if you’re sensing that you should stay and fight for your marriage, God’s way is going to require some things of you … humility, the ability to look at your OWN brokenness, setting some boundaries for your heart, owning your part in the mess of your marriage (none of us are perfect), considering before-marriage trauma and brokenness (family of origin issues), a willingness to forgive and truly work on loving and trusting again, getting in the Word and daily spending quiet time with Jesus, and so many others that I couldn’t try to name them all.

Our healing journeys will not be successful because our husbands get well (as a matter of fact, our own personal healing journey can be quite successful regardless of whether our husbands choose it for themselves or not). They will be successful because WE have handed our hearts over to Jehovah Rapha, God the Healer. You see, years ago Dan could’ve genuinely gone through recovery, and become an absolutely perfect husband, but our marriage still would’ve been a mess. Because I was a mess! Yes, your husband needs God to help him in the depths of his heart … to clean him up, to heal him, and to restore what has been so very broken. But we women are also in desperate need of the same degree of healing. It wasn’t until I began to look at my own heart’s desert condition that the true change in my marriage began.

At this point, Dan and I are closing in on three months of genuine daily heart changes. He is a changed man, by God’s amazing grace. Dan pursues me, he expresses his love for me, he reads the Word with me, he prays with me, he compliments me, he leaves me little notes (see the photo above), he makes me WANT to be with him, I watch for him to come home from work so that I can be with him again! I honestly never in a million years thought I’d hear myself saying these things! Now, we are still very much growing and things are not always picture perfect. But I would tell you God is at work and I look for the ways that He’s answering the cries of my heart and the long-prayed-for things that I’ve so needed from my husband!

I’ll end by saying … stay the course!! Pray, pray and when you’re tired of praying, pray some more!! Spend time with Jesus, reading His Word and seek His heart and plan. No matter how hurt you are and how deep the pain, you are not alone. Plug into the prayer calls and ask the ladies to pray with/for you. Seek out a confidante or faithful friend to pray with and support you during this time. Healing is possible … actually it’s what God is waiting and longing to do. But it takes a willingness on both spouses hearts to allow it to happen. For me healing began when I got most desperate for it. I praise His name and I will be forever in His debt!

Linda is one of the group leaders of our wives phone support groups

9 responses to “Wives, There is Hope!”

Sue says:
September 22, 2015 at 6:43 am
Linda,
First, thank you for your honesty & for being willing to share your experience. There is one statement you made I want to expand on. “owning your part in the mess of your marriage (none of us are perfect), ” ….I agree Linda that no one is perfect, BUT when it comes to a spouse that has committed Adultery , NOTHING the wife did (or husband if his wife committed Adultery) caused her husband to go outside of their marriage & commit Adultery. That was his choice & one that he alone must give an account to God.
Often in sexual sin women are made to feel ‘IF ONLY” statements like 1) If only you had given him more sex, 2) Willing to be more open, often this is code for perverted behavior that demoralizes a woman in her own bedroom 3)Boys will be Boys, you can’t expect more. 4) Just pray harder 5) Be that Submissive wife….and on it goes.
This not only enables, but causes more pain for a woman that has already had her world turn upside down , pain that threatens to eat her alive & can cause some to move away from the very God that loves them Unconditionally!
Sue
Reply
- Linda says:
  September 22, 2015 at 9:29 pm
  Hi, Sue,
  I want you to know that I sense and understand the depth of pain I hear in your words. I couldn’t agree more with everything you’ve shared. No man or woman will be allowed to blame anyone else for their sinful choices when they stand before God at the judgment. That type of blame shifting is the same thing that got Adam in trouble in the Garden of Eden. It is incredibly healing when we each take accountability for our own actions, attitudes and choices. That’s where real transformation happens.
  I appreciate the opportunity to clarify my thoughts and words. After many years of dealing with my emotionally distant husband and finally hitting bottom, I diligently and openheartedly worked with my counselor for 3 ½ months and discovered that I had made my own contributions to the dysfunction in our marriage. There was a particular assignment in my workbook that was very revealing. The pain and anger that I thought had come from my husband’s actions/choices I was able to trace back to my family of origin. 75% of the brokenness (abuse, neglect, betrayal, worthlessness etc) that I was feeling stemmed from my childhood, not my marriage. Until I dealt with that brokenness, I would continue to blame Dan for it. He was triggering my childhood trauma, but he was not the cause of it, nor could he fix it by being the perfect husband. All of my life I’ve had intense anger issues, major overreacting at times, very impatient, hypersensitive, controlling, bossy … need I go on? I was simply acting out of the shattered heart and broken relating patterns that I had developed. This contributed to a marriage that was nothing like what God had designed. THIS was my part in the dysfunction. I was certainly not innocent in the deterioration of my marriage.
  In my experience of working with women in the area of a husband’s sexual addiction, I have found that often women get so focused on what their husbands have done to them that they are blinded to their own need of healing themselves. I know that this is where I “parked” for decades. If only he would read the book, if he would just see the right counselor, if he would stop acting out, if he would discipline his eyes … and the list goes on. All of those things are good things, but they won’t repair the wound that the enemy designed to destroy me as a woman. Dan could’ve done all of those things years ago and we still wouldn’t have had a healthy marriage, because I have my own “baggage” that must be unpacked, as well. The Holy Spirit is gentle and ever so patient. He loves it when we bring our brokenness to Him and ask Him to please come into that brokenness and heal us. I’ve spent regular times with Jesus, asking Him to please come into my pain, my betrayal, my rejection, my anger, my trauma … and be with me in it. Then … in time … it begins to heal. The intensity begins to dissipate.
  What I’m trying to say is that your husband may have broken your heart but he simply cannot put it back together. That healing can only come from our loving Savior. As we allow Him to love us as our hearts are crying out to be loved, in time, we will heal. If Dan could’ve healed my heart, it would’ve kept my eyes focused on him and I would’ve never needed Jesus. Consequently I would’ve continued to be miserable because anytime we have our focus on an imperfect being, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment. Jehovah Rapha was waiting for me, arms open wide and lap ready! Praise Him!
  Sue, if you have suffered from a husband who has not been faithful to you, I want you to know that I truly understand and want to extend a loving hand of compassion to you. You deserve to be loved and adored, cherished and delighted in. I thank you for your response and, if appropriate for you, I would like to invite you to follow the links on this site to join us on the women’s prayer calls, where you’ll experience safety, camaraderie and strength. God bless you, Sue!
  Reply
Judy says:
October 17, 2015 at 2:13 pm
Many of us are emotionally ruptured in childhood in some way. Both spouses bring their unique experiences to a marriage. All of us could use counseling as everyone has room for improvement. A patten of sexual immorality brings destruction to the person living in that lifestyle as well as their family members. Anger or brokenness don’t put a family, career, finances at risk or endanger the health of the other partner with STDs. A habitual pattern of lies and manipulation of a partners reality (many times for years) seem to be a character issue. God’s commandments for lying, adultery, perversion, sexual immorality are clear. Many are deceived by Satan. Jesus told the adulteress to go and sin no more. The label of “addiction” seems to be a free pass for many to continue a pattern of habitual sin and lie about it. How many times does an a person need to be reminded that honesty is a main factor in staying pure? The habitual lies are for self-preservation with no regard for God’s laws. If you see yourself going down a slippery slope then get help. If you have to sneak around, lie about it, delete it or are afraid you may caught doing it then you shouldn’t be engaging in that behavior plain and simple. Repeated disobedience and living a double life is not pleasing to God. Jesus lived as man on this earth and there is no temptation or pain that he didn’t experience. Love kept him on that cross. He could’ve asked for legions of angels to rescue Him but he did our Heavenly Father’s will. When people stop excusing their habitual sins with labels and families stop tolerating this egregious behavior then maybe we can see change. How many out there have a battle plan for urges that is implemented of their own free will without the partner prodding them along? Are we using “but it’s an addiction” excuse to not leave a Godly legacy for future generations?
Reply
- Mike Genung says:
  October 20, 2015 at 7:54 pm
  > How many times does an a person need to be reminded that honesty is a main factor in staying pure?
  You’re right on the money. The lying, hiding and deception always accompany sexual sin; for lasting freedom the man must put all of this to death, which means ongoing honesty with his wife and his support system.
  Reply
catherine says:
October 21, 2015 at 3:07 pm
I agree that we all have our flaws, but just how many times can one pick themselves up and dust off the hurt and the lies before they are broken? I have been with my husband for 15yrs, married for 9. This last episode will be the 6-7th time, I’ve lost count to be honest, that I have discovered his lies. I never had many friends and we just recently moved to a new state where we know no one. The last time I told him he needed counseling and if he wasn’t willing to get help then we were done. We went to marriage counseling for almost a year and he found a support group that he attended. He came home with his little coins to mark his sobriety and I hoped all was well. We moved here in March and he stomped on my heart again. I don’t know for how long this time he had been lying to me. But , I’m at my end. I don’t know how I can put my faith back in this man, after so many heartbreaks. I too came into this partnership with low self esteem etc.. from a long list of abusive relationships and past traumas. I have always felt too scared to actually even think about what would I do with a young son if my husband actually stepped over my red line in the sand. But now, I feel I am strong enough to follow through but don’t want to destroy my family. I am not religious in any way, have been since I was a kid, so any non-specific religious advise would be wonderful.
Reply
- Linda says:
  October 21, 2015 at 11:09 pm
  Catherine,
  It makes me so sad to hear what you’ve been through! I wish I had the qualifications and ability to guide you in what you should do from here. I can only tell you what I have done (mentioned in the above posts) and try to encourage you by giving you some things to consider.
  Do you have a counselor/friend who could help you through your past pain? I highly recommend that any woman in your position seek a safe place to share and learn about herself. Doing this has helped me tremendously! We all need safe people in our lives that we can trust to be a sounding board for us and help us with our perspective. Isolation is so detrimental to your heart’s healing.
  There is so much about your situation that I am not aware of. Only you know what you’re willing and able to deal with. Every woman’s story is different and what works for one might be a terrible choice for another. I do know that boundaries are critical to make for yourself. Not to control or manipulate anyone rather for your own heart’s safety. Often in your type of situation the woman has set few, if any, boundaries. I know that was the case with me. There’s a lot of information to be found about how to set boundaries and their importance in life.
  What would be your motivation to stay? Do you have financial provisions to be able to leave, even temporarily? Has he shown remorse and willingness to change? Does he even see/acknowledge that there’s a problem? Remember, the ONLY person you can change is YOU.
  I would like to invite you to join our women’s prayer calls. You mentioned that you are not religious, which I respect. Women are not required to pray on our calls. But there are a lot of really good things that are shared and you would come away stronger and more equipped to deal with everything on your plate. We share resources and healing ideas, supporting one another in whatever place our heart is at the time. There is an incredible amount of love, acceptance and safety in our group. If you’re interested, please follow the links on this site.
  I truly hope that you’re able to find a resolution to your situation. You are worth being loved and cherished. I will pray for you, Catherine.
  Linda
  Reply
Stephanie says:
December 7, 2015 at 3:07 am
I do believe doing everything you can to restore your marriage, but I’ve never been treated so badly in my life. I was manipulated into this marriage thinking my husband had no addictions to listen to him lie year after year. We have spend thousands of dollars on concelors , and he lies to them or doesn’t do what they tell him.
He treats me like a task and we are in our early thirties. We don’t have children yet, and the thought of him being in porn for 24 years makes me ill. Each time I think we are moving on I find a web of lies. I don’t know this man. I am scared of what he is capable of. I’m scared of his secrets. I’m scared of what Christians will think if /and when I leave.
We have separated multiple times, and it does nothing. I’m just used as a mommy and a roommate. I want what God designed as love.. Intimacy is honesty and giving each other what they need. I have done inner healing before and during our marriage., but his issues are in my face everyday.
That four letter word is a nightmare that causes me to be sick, lose my hair, and gives me anxiety. Why is it so hard to let go of someone you love so deeply, but they are willing to give up everything. Even willing to look at it on their work computer to lose jobs and shake all of my security.
You can’t change someone who will lie to you for 7 years straight. I know God doesn’t want us to live like this. Men should not control us, or make us feel ugly because of their expectations. I’m tired of men acting like a victim. I feel so torn on what to do. I don’t want to be with a man that doesn’t value me as a beautiful women and needs anything but me. I’m just so tired and losing myslef in this process. I’m strong and was a very confident women and this man has been controlling me. Is that really what we should stay and try to keep? It’s adultery and God says we can go, but how do you move on? How do you get over this
Reply
Judy says:
December 27, 2015 at 6:24 am
Stephanie, my heart goes out to you. Like most women when we discover that this addiction is present in our marriage, we stay and fight. No one wants to lose their loved one, family/marriage to an addiction. But the work of recovery must be done by the person that is afflicted. I truly can’t understand the need for habitual lies when a partner is willing to stay and support recovery. God can heal but we all have free will. When a spouse isn’t even committed to living the way God intended then one should assess if staying is the answer. Almost all the problems in my long term marriage stemmed from the addiction (trust issues, anger, money issues to name a few). I can’t wrap my mind around the fact that a person could walk away from a marriage without any attempt at recovery. It’s madness. I’ll keep you in prayer. This always helps me….18 characteristics of men in the last days (2 Tim 3:2-5)
1) lovers of themselves 2) lovers of money 3) boasters 4) proud 5) blasphemers 6) disobedient to parents 7) unthankful 8) unholy 9) unloving 10) unforgiving 11) slanderers 12) without self-control 13) brutal 14) despisers of good 15) traitors 16) self-willed 17) haughty 18) lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God.
Christ is coming and when He does, those that have lived in mass, habitual sin with no regard for God’s laws will not be able to claim “weakness” or “men are visual” (or the variety of endless justifications they spin in their minds) to God. Those that choose dark ways (because really the addiction is a choice) in spite of all the healing resources available and the power of Christ, will have no excuse for their immoral choices. Those that want freedom only need to seek Christ daily for the same amount of time they spend in pursuit of a temporary high.
Reply
- Mike Genung says:
  December 28, 2015 at 6:02 pm
  “Those that choose dark ways (because really the addiction is a choice) in spite of all the healing resources available and the power of Christ, will have no excuse for their immoral choices.”
  Well said, Judy. There is a lot at stake with this stuff; marriage, family, and even what happens to the relationship with God. So many are blinded to this.
  Reply

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