Here are six reasons why those of us who are married should tell our wives of our struggle with porn or sexual sin:
1. The marriage is corrupted, and until you come clean the adulteress of lust will always be between you and your wife, thwarting intimacy, causing stress, and keeping you trapped in guilt and shame. Moreover, your porn addiction and deception are an open door of sin that Satan uses to corrupt you, your wife and your children. I’ve heard many stories over the years of men who got hooked on porn when they found their father’s stash of magazines, and it’s not uncommon to hear of a wife who looked at porn because she wanted to see what it was that entranced her husband. Recently, a wife posted the following on the forums of the Blazing Grace website:
About 6 months ago I had to go to the building out back where my husband keeps his bike and spends a lot of time to get some canning jars. I was looking for the lids and opened a cabinet to get some lids and there was a ton of porn magazines; I am not talking Playboy or a few naked girls. The hard part was that his 15-year-old daughter was standing there when I found them and she started to cry.
If you don’t take action now, your wife could be posting something like this in our forums about your son or daughter. Please don’t let it happen.
2. Your wife may not know what you’ve done, but she senses it and it will eat at her, sapping her desire for sexual intimacy and causing more friction in the marriage. Remember Helen’s story? Her husband was “extremely jealous and given to mood swings.” Of Alice’s husband, Laurie Hall writes “her husband was distant emotionally and he had lost all sexual interest in her.” Sexual sin warps a man’s character; your wife, who knows you better than anyone, can see it from a mile away. Once she starts seeking God for the truth, He can and will reveal it to her, just as He did with Helen and Alice.
3. Many wives are far more angry and hurt from the lies and betrayal than by what their husband did. The American Heritage Dictionary defines betrayal as “To give aid or information to an enemy of… commit treason against… to deliver into the hands of an enemy in violation of a trust or allegiance… to be false or disloyal to… to lead astray; deceive.” Your marriage covenant is a sacred pledge before God to be loyal to your wife alone; an alliance with sexual sin is “treason against” your bride, and is “leading her astray and deceiving her” into thinking she is the only woman your heart desires. The betrayal doesn’t end until the deceit stops.
4.By telling your wife, you force yourself to choose between her and sexual sin. Many men don’t see their need to choose between lust and their wife until it’s too late. Which one do you want to take care of you in your old age, porn or your wife?
5. You rob your wife and yourself by not allowing her to support and pray for you in the battle. I am convinced that a man’s most powerful ally in the battle against lust is his wife; she knows how to pray for you like no other person, and her grace and forgiveness will mean more to you than that of any man. She’s your ally and best friend; it is lust that is your common enemy.
6.Because you serve a holy God who commands us not to lie.
This article is an excerpt from Mike Genung’s book The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction, available at www.roadtograce.net