By Sandy England
“How did your husband rebuilt your trust after his porn addiction?”
I have been asked that question many times. There is no simple answer. Trust can’t be rebuilt overnight; it takes a long time. The trust that was destroyed quickly and then broken again repeatedly may take months, even years to rebuild. The question becomes, “Is he willing to walk with me to heal and build a new relationship together? Are we going to fight together to save our marriage?”
My husband’s consistent actions over an extended period of time were the first building blocks of trust. The most important thing for me was how he treated me. Was he thoughtful? Was he still blaming me, or making excuses for his dark moods and behavior? Did he ask me how I was feeling? Did he take the time to listen? Did he even care that I was experiencing a trigger that was difficult? Did he take the time to pray with me and for me? I needed to see those actions from his heart. I knew his behavior in the past, so I could tell easily see how he tried to manipulation me or situations in the past. My only choice was to pray and rest in God, ask Him to help me see truth of the behaviors I was witnessing, and show me if they were real and genuine. Without God, I would see only his lies and stay stuck in my anger and pain.
I asked God to show me that he was truly walking and seeking the Lord. Was my husband perfect – heck no, but he never gave up! God showed me what I call nuggets; He showed me that my husband was making consistent efforts, every day, to walk with the Lord. God had become my husband’s priority, and once that was his primary focus the changes toward me and our marriage started to show. Piece by piece, step by step, nugget by nugget God, was showing me and giving me a reason to give my trust to my husband.
My husband could do all the right things; he could hand over all his electronic devices, he can give me all his passwords, he can be the best member of the support group. But then I had to face my heart. I personally believe trust is a matter of the heart. Was I willing to let my heart start trusting him again?
I was blessed to see God healing my husband, and that gave me joy, and despite myself, God was healing me. The question here above all, is do you trust God? if you can’t trust God to walk and show you truth, give you peace, and comfort you in love, then you will never be able to trust your husband. Your relationship with the Lord will always be the key.
Sandy England is the leader of our women’s ministry at Blazing Grace