By Mike Genung
I grew up in a Christian home, but, our family had its share of problems. The words “I love you” were rarely, if ever, spoken. Hugs were non-existent. Physical abuse was a reality; if I didn’t eat right, for example, a beating was coming. Most of my experiences with physical touch were damaging.
One day, when I was 14 years old, I stayed home sick from school. I was home alone with my mother. She walked into my room, and molested me. There had been several other events leading up to this time where she did acts that were inappropriate, but this was beyond anything that had happened before.
After that event, my mind immediately shuttered the memory of being molested and sent it down into the recesses of my mind. Psychologists call this disassociation. I call it my 14-year-old mind protecting itself from the trauma and pain of an event I could not accept and did not have the ability to cope with.
Not long after being molested, I started falling into a dark place. I felt dirty, soiled, and struggled with shame. Self-loathing, to the point of self-hatred, took hold. I often felt like I deserved to be beaten (the physical abuse compounded this). I fell into depression. Anger was always there, simmering just below the surface. I started pushing my friends away at school and hanging out with a different crowd. I felt more comfortable around the misfits, rejects, and kids getting into trouble than I did the “normal people.”
I walked away from the church. If this was what the Christian life was about, why did I need it?
I started going after anything that would provide an escape from my internal nightmare, including marijuana, cocaine, LSD, angel dust, drinking to excess, daily binges on pornography and masturbation, promiscuity, sex with prostitutes, and, after I quit high school, workaholism. I wanted everything, all the time, as long as it made me feel good.
The problem is that sin doesn’t work, help, or satisfy; it hollows out the soul. Sin offers a few moments of pleasure at the front end followed with a long, hard, crash into misery.
Suicidal thoughts started creeping in. The self-loathing, shame, and depression were intensifying. One evening I found myself staring at a loaded .357 magnum in my hand, trying to get the courage to end my life. By God’s grace I walked away from the cliff.
My self-loathing expressed itself in different ways, and I briefly got into cutting. It was what I deserved, I thought.
By the time I was 23 years old, I was a mess chemically, emotionally, and spiritually. Years of drugs, alcohol and the effects of porn and sexual sin had taken their toll. I was falling deeper into depression.
Then God started nudging me back toward Him. I felt the pull to go back to church, and started reading the Bible. He drew me away from the party lifestyle and I stopped dating girls who weren’t Christians. The porn and masturbation didn’t end until years later, but that’s another chapter in my story.
God led me to Pat, a female Christian counselor. In just my second session with her, Pat made a statement that rocked me: “You hate women, don’t you?” She could see, or sense, the anger I had boiling within. I couldn’t see it at the time. Or maybe I didn’t want to.
As I continued to meet with Pat, she kept asking questions about my past, until one session—9 years after my mom molested me—the memory of her abuse exploded full force into my consciousness. Overnight I started bouncing between volcano-like rage and deep depression. I couldn’t believe what my mother had done. How does anyone make sense out of a parent molesting their child? Even today, after years of healing, I sometimes ask why.
I spent a lot of hours processing my feelings with Pat. The anger and depression leveled off a bit, but were still there. We didn’t make much progress after that, and my wife and I moved to another state.
2 years later—23 years after I was molested—God let me to a counselor named Brian. As I shared my story and what had happened with my mother, Brian told me he had been sexually abused by a male priest in his early years. It was a relief to talk to someone who had been through that hell. During one session, Brian asked me if I had forgiven my mother. “No one’s ever asked me that,” I replied, and added, “No, I haven’t.” He encouraged me to write her a letter where I would forgive her.
While my mother had cut off contact with me and asked that I not contact her (which also screwed my head up), I had her mailing address. She lived in another state. I wrote her a short, two paragraph letter, briefly stating what she did in two sentences, without going into any detail, and then wrote that I forgave her.
As soon as I mailed the letter, the anger I had carried for years lifted, and a sense of peace came over me. It didn’t matter to me how she might respond. I had been freed from the anger.
Two weeks later, I received a letter from my mother. There was no apology. Her only response was to write “Did that make you feel better?” At that moment I knew I had a choice: I pick up the heavy burdens of anger and resentment and try to extract an apology from her, or hold onto peace and let it go. I chose peace. There are times when we will forgive someone and there will be no remorse on the other side. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. God commands us to forgive, but not to reconcile. Reconciliation can only take place when there is repentance and remorse by the offending party and when both sides want and agree to work toward reconciliation.
Although I wrote a letter to my mother, there are situations when it isn’t wise to contact the person who abused us, especially if there is any risk of our safety or that we might be further damaged emotionally. It’s best to consider whether the timing is right and how far we are in the healing process before making contact with the offender, should we God make it clear that we are to take that step.
It’s important to understand that you can forgive without mailing a letter or contacting the offending party. You can forgive the person who hurt you alone with God in prayer. Such a prayer might look like this:
“Lord Jesus, I come to you now to completely forgive (Name the person who abused you) who hurt me. Please be with me now as I pray. Lord, (Name of person who abused you) violated/abused/raped/molested me and it has hurt me greatly. (Feel free to pour out your heart here). I now choose to release (Name) of all the sins they have committed against me and grant them a full pardon. I release every sin and way that (Name) has hurt me to the cross. I will not carry their sins, Jesus; that is why you died. I completely forgive them from my heart. Lord Jesus, please come now and heal my heart in the places where I have been wounded.”
“But He was wounded for our transgressions,
He was bruised for our iniquities;
The chastisement for our peace was upon Him,
And by His stripes we are healed.”
– Isaiah 53:5
Even after forgiveness, healing is still an ongoing process. Sexual abuse takes a wrecking ball to the heart and emotions and has a profound effect on the mind and the character. I’ve struggled with the fear of intimacy, have made mistakes setting boundaries that were too harsh with loved ones, came out swinging with any perceived violation of those boundaries, wrestled with self-condemnation (and to be honest, agreed with it for many years), and had to work through lies of worthlessness, shame, resentment, and more. All of this takes time to heal from and overcome.
Those who have been sexually violated often struggle in their marriage. The fear of intimacy and shame alone are enough to thwart a marriage, not to mention the damage unresolved anger causes. The sexual relationship between husband and wife can be greatly impacted.
The spiritual warfare against those who have been sexually abused is often intense. My walk to the edge of the cliff of suicide is a dangerous example. Our spiritual enemy attacks our wounds with fear, anger, lies, depression, shame, hopelessness, accusations (this was all your fault!) and suicidal thoughts in an attempt to “steal, kill, and destroy.” Not all of what we go through is from our internal world; learning to overcome in spiritual warfare is an important part of the healing journey.
1 in 4 women and 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused, molested, or raped. Tragically, sexual abuse is an everyday occurrence. In many cases the offending party was a relative or trusted authority figure, such as a pastor or youth minister.
Sexual abuse is rampant in the church, yet many churches say little to nothing about it—until the truth is exposed. Tragically, many churches inflict more damage to the person who has been wounded, adding spiritual abuse to an already traumatized heart. Sometimes church leadership goes so far as to attempt to silence the person who was molested and ostracize them to protect the abuser or the reputation of the church or denomination. When we care more about our reputation than restoring those who have been damaged or healing in our midst, we’ve lost our way and our moral authority.
In the early years I spent many hours with counselors. Today I know that suffering has a language of its own. The counselors who have suffered or been sexually abused as Brian had been know the language of suffering and are often the most equipped to help others in their healing journey.
I’ve been blessed to work with men and women who have been raped, sexually abused, spiritually abused, and tormented, and help them move toward freedom and healing. Several other members of our leadership team have been through it as well.
As I’ve written this article it has hit a deep nerve. My heart goes out to those of you who have suffered the hell of sexual abuse. Even more so if you’ve experienced spiritual abuse on top of it. Know that there is hope for healing and God cares deeply about your heart.
Contact us if you’d like to get help. We offer counseling in person in our office in Arizona and by zoom. We also offer one and two day intensives for those who want to make significant process faster than a once a week meeting can offer.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”
Psalm 51:17