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geeky_student
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 06:58 pm |
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It was Sunday, during worship i was still thinking "no way i am gonna sin today!" I felt peace with God. I took it for granted. The Holy Spirit helped me to not take it for granted like i've said on my post in the thread "confession" Here it is, some reading...
Please do continue praying for me. Thanks!
Report on Pornography and Masturbation 04-01-07
This is not an April fools thing. As a matter of fact, I feel like a fool—I have been deceived, again.
I felt blind. I felt stupid. I felt empty. I felt regretful. I felt like a traitor. I felt like a hypocrite. I felt like a pervert. I felt like I am an idiot who rejected God’s gift for me and “thanked” Him by sinning against Him.
I felt blind—for a long time (not anymore now thank God) I had flashbacks of what I saw and kept thinking perverted things in my mind. I close my eyes and they flashed up. My eyesight literally felt sorta blurry. My mind, too felt blurry.
I felt stupid—it was stupid of me to not listen to God. It was stupid of me not to quit during the midst of sinning, even when God has calmed my heart and told me how disgusting the sin I was committing. I felt stupid stopping so many times in the midst and kept going back! I felt stupid not thanking God for all these Godly songs He put in my head to write down even when I was sinning. I was not willing to turn. I felt stupid pushing the line. I felt stupid unbuckling the belt (literally) and lifting the shield of faith half-heartedly.
I felt empty—obviously worldliness has not, does not and will never satisfy our needs. It was a horrible thing I had done having sex with myself—it has a backfire leaving you feeling empty. I thought: oh no God is going to take away everything He has given me, every blessing, every gift, every opportunity, every ministry, every inheritance. And also the ones He has blessed me with today (I will explain later).
I felt regretful—again, I always think, wouldn’t it be so good if I hadn’t done any of this junk? It’s true, it is good to not sin. But when the temptation is there it just seems so…like I didn’t care for anything or if I did I numbed my thoughts and tried to block what the Holy Spirit is telling me, half-hearted prayers, superficial thoughts and “thinking” as in I think of it but don’t really think about it. It feels horrible.
I felt like a traitor—I betrayed God and turned to my old ways. I didn’t thank Him for the blessings He has blessed me with but instead sinned against Him for my selfish wants. I betrayed her—the girl I love. Okay, when I held her hand that day I made a promise, thinking: never will I ever use these hands masturbating or clicking/typing the wrong things again. I also made a promise that I will not look at/or masturbate at all during spring break. Well, I failed to do both.
I felt like a hypocrite—well, earlier I was telling Josh (my accountability partner) this story about how we must not give into temptation no matter how tempting it may sound: story is here:
So I promised my son $100 if he beat me in golf. He did. So I said, double or nothing? He said no, decisively. I said: 1 free shot. No. 2 free shots. No. 3 free shots. “I don’t know”. C’mon 3 free shots in a 9 hole game, take it or leave it. Fine.
10 minutes later his son was tearful and said: that wasn’t fair.
It was your choice.
“Well, you were like a little devil sitting on my shoulder telling me to do it.”
So I told my friend that this story shows that we can A: not give in and grow in God. Or B: give in and …
But what have I chose to do today? Not to mention this was among the many thoughts God put in my mind during the midst of me sinning.
I felt like a pervert—like I said, using my good, big and long hands and fingers not for Godly purposes, not praising God, not keep it clean from such abominations and keeping it clean when I hold her hand. I feel sick having done all that. It feels so sick when I think that I’ve held her hand and then… but wait, woah, isn’t that what I did on the day I got baptized? I was washed and baptized in the name of Christ and sinned the very day… yeah, I confessed this before, and God forgave me for that. Surely He will cleanse me from this. J YAY! (PS: I felt quite “unsure” ‘til now J)
And now the idiot part—this is what happened today. By the way, it’s the Lord’s Day and I sinned on this day L. How very blasphemous (not that it’s any less blasphemous on other occasions, I still sinned against God). This is something I am going to describe here. Okay, so we had this singing group from California Baptist University come over and praise the Lord with us today during the service. So after the service, I went to the piano and started playing (thought I felt that it was kind of getting glory for myself and not for God, but I tried to justify it by thinking “well, I am showing what gifts God has given me”. (Was I right? Please, if you can try answer that in your post.) So while I was playing the people from the choir came and asked me if I would like to attend CBU! They offered me a $3000 scholarship. So after I just kinda walked out of the sanctuary. To be honest I felt confused if I had done something displeasing to God and whether it’s Him blessing me instead of punishing me or maybe He had something better for me. I guess part of me was that “well, I am not gonna make it “big” going to a Christian music college (which the Holy Spirit rebuked right away because that was a worldly thought of getting fame instead of serving God). So the thing is, does God want me to go there? I mean, I can still give glory to Him and serve Him going to a different music college right? Then I thought “well how am I going to be able to provide for my family?” Again, the Holy Spirit rebuked that thought by telling me that God is my provider and deliverer, I shouldn’t be of little faith, just fully rely on Him and stop worrying! Okay, with that said to you, here’s what I thought before and during sinning, it sounds silly and nonsense and truly a lie. The Holy Spirit did rebuke these thoughts when they flashed up in my mind but I did the “one eye open and one eye closed” thing again. So I thought, well maybe I don’t want to go to that school, hmm… perhaps God will take it away if I sin against Him. (eww… “excuse” for sinning, and how could I not want His blessings? Foolish man I was! Thank God that He is compassionate. I pray that He forgives me for what I’ve done. I feel disgusted at that really). So yeah, I felt confused and weird and gave in. Shouldn’t have, I should’ve seeked God and listen to Him counseling me and showing me what is true. I was being deceived big time there. (PS: we get deceived because we want to be deceived, so it’s no excuse.)
I started writing this report on the day I sinned but neglected that big paragraph ‘til today when God, again reminded me that I should. (Yes, I’ve sinned by disobeying Him and being distracted to other things instead of writing this. Not porn though, thank God!)
I must not even think of getting any glory to myself, I must always give all glory to God! Please pray that He will show me what is true and not let me allow myself to think in blur. I mean, it's a gift to think consiously. To try to block out what God says to you is not something anyone of us should do.
God is with us, let us listen to Him and obey Him!
I will continue praying for you guys!
Keep clean!
Blessed in Christ we all are! J Always!
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love. 
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 09:12 pm |
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Hi GS,
Are you in college now? If not, would a scholarship like that make the difference of being able to go or not? Keep praying about it. It could hardly be Satan "tempting" you to go to a christian school. Perhaps the fellowship there would help keep you focused on the Lord rather than your addiction?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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geeky_student
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 09:16 pm |
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Thanks for responding truthseeker
i am in high school 10th grade. Yes, quite blessed to get a scholarship right now . I should appreciate.
Well, i am not saying it's satan tempting to go, i am saying whether God wants me to be there or not.
Thanks!
Last edited on Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 09:16 pm by geeky_student
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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