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gracefallonme
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Walton, Kentucky USA |
| Posts: | 2 |
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Posted: Sat Jan 13th, 2007 11:51 am |
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So many things are going through my head now I don't know exactly where to begin. 1st, let me start off by saying it's been a long time coming to find the answer to what has bothered me for so many years. I am a 30 yr. old woman who has been masturbating for most of my life. I don't know exactly at what age it started, but I do know it was around 6 yrs. of age when I remember "getting caught" by my mom & aunt (as I was doing this in my sleep). I was sexually abused right around the same age up until 14 yrs. old (almost 15) by my dad, and the reason I mention this is because I believe this is when the habit started. I grew up in church, knew and accepted Jesus as my Lord and Saviour at age 8 and still today wonder why the "need" for fulfillment this way?! I thought after I told what happened (broked the curse, in other words) that things would start to look up for me. I felt in bondage when my dad was around, and after my parents divorced I felt free...except with masturbation. So free, that I did what I wanted no matter who it hurt...even myself. I didn't realize that I was hurting myself or others until even now. Some things came to me during my 1st marriage...most of it was both our faults to why that ended. If I had cared anything about myself or him or GOD I wouldn't have done things or married him in the 1st place. I guess I attracted the very things that was inside me and just didn't know, understand, or even cared about at the time. My ex-husband was and still is addicted to porn. At first, I would watch it with him just because I thought that's what pleased him, But at age 21 when I was pregnant with our 2nd child, I became so frustrated and aggrevated I started fights, I even went so far as to tear up every bit of his "porn tape and magazine" collections...and it still didn't help. I was the opposite of most pregnant women, yes I felt very unattractive but I wanted my husband to fulfill my needs, I didn't care that it hurt...just as long as he paid attention "To Me" not a fantasy. I turned back to God for help. I prayed & prayed & prayed for us to turn our hearts to Him or back to Him. I tried everything...but I must confess that I grew impatient, and in 6 yrs. I left the marriage. Again, I was angry...felt nothing had turned out the way it was suppose to...and I felt like it was my fault. I was suffering consequences because of my mistakes, thus the not caring attitude, again.
Now, in the midst of all these years I have still had the addiction of masturbation...and I do know it as an addiction because it became a habit I couldn't break. I have always questioned if it was right, but never to my natural eye did I see anything in God's word where it says it's wrong....until I read what I have read on this site. Some of things I will speak about are personal, but I don't know any other way to say them without actually saying them...I don't have a "home church" at this moment, but I do communicate with my old Pastor and his wife and a few spirit filled relatives and friends..but the only people who know about this addiction is my mom, my "husband" now (and I'll get to that in a bit because I even question this) and a few "old friends" & my ex. So here it goes...(1st I pray God gives me the strength and courage once again and take away the fear and shame I am feeling right now in Jesus name.)
Over the years, I masturbate mostly during my sleep or to put me to sleep, not necessarily to "fulfill the excitement of the moment" but what I suspect is for comfort. That is when I mostly do the act, BUT I have done it also in private usually when my spouse is not home and even during our times together, because that seems to be the only way I can reach the "climax". So, I obviously know this a psychological thing too, are there any prayers or scriptures I can be praying to help overcome this? I know the Lord hears a willing heart and knows I am sincere about overcoming this because he has brought me to this site after a year of really wanting to know the truth about this...so I know there has to be some combating I can do with prayer, etc. I want to do this God's way! The other question I have concerning sexual immorality is this...Keep in mind I am a baby Christian all over again and am looking to live for Jesus..My "husband" now is not my husband technically by our law...I realize Jesus said that where 2 become 1 we are now 1 together...I have been with whom I do call my husband now for almost 5 yrs. The reason we are not legally married is I'm not legally divorced from my 1st husband, he keeps putting off signing the divorce papers and has for almost 7 yrs. For the last couple of yrs. I have been financially drained and can't afford to keep forcing the issue in court, and we are fighting custody of 2 children, and now also I have 2 more children together with my "now husband", so I feel stuck. I feel I have once again, let God down and myself and this family...and I don't want this to keep affecting my family. My "husband now" just got saved last year and we have been struggling with this issue and wondering what to do at this point, I was ashamed to admit what the whole situation was like to anyone at the church so stopped going for fear of being ridiculed (I don't know if that would've happened just assumed), and I know Jesus' blood covers a multitude of sins, but where does the fine line draw or does it? I always felt that if you feel convicted of something that it must be wrong...as in the same way I felt convicted of masturbation. And I have been praying for an answer to these questions since last year, but I am kind of confused now as I read the scriptures about 2 becoming 1 and sexual immorality...But I do know I want to abide in Christ and He in me, and if I am doing someting wrong I really need to know. I am just tired of hurting and tired of not living Truthfully...I just want to serve Jesus, and I want Him to use me for His purpose...But I feel He won't use me if I don't listen to what He is telling me. So I guess, I just need confirmation. I am sorry this was such a long topic, but it's been years in the making and I just need to know how to do spiritual warfare with this. We do want to be "married by law", we are very happy with one another. And I have to say this one last thing before I end, if I am hurting this man or our family by the choices I have made or by my habit, Lord please forgive me and help us overcome this! I thank You in advance and give You all the praise and glory and honor that You so deserve in Jesus name.
And I thank everyone who answers this and prays for us and for allowing me to post to this site! Thank You!
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Mon Jan 15th, 2007 02:15 pm |
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Hi Grace,
Any church worth the name of Christ would uplift you in prayer as long as you agree with God's Word about your sin. It is only when we are unrepentant, rebellious, that some boundary might be drawn, in my opinion. I concur that service should be limited while the issues remain unresolved, but am praying that God will give you wisdom, and lead you to yet more resources to facilitate your recovery. Have you received christian counselling about the abuse you suffered? If not, that would be a good avenue to pursue.
Again just my opinion, but considering that your legal husband appears to remain in unrepentant porn addiction, it seems to me that trying to continue that marriage would do more harm than good. We can languish in the "woulda-coulda-shoulda beens," but that serves no purpose. We must start with where we are now, trust God's promises in 1 John 1:8-9 and Romans 8:28, and move forward. It is one of Satan's favorite weapons to trap us in the past. Sure we need to learn from it, but our guilt for it is removed as far as the east is from the west when we ask God with a sincere heart.
You certainly cannot control what happens in your sleep, but 1 Cor. 10:13 assures us that God provides ways of escape. We must look for them, and summon the fortitude, with God's help, to take the needed steps to freedom.
Praying with you...
TruthSeeker
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gracefallonme
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| Joined: | Sat Jan 13th, 2007 |
| Location: | Walton, Kentucky USA |
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Posted: Tue Jan 16th, 2007 12:39 am |
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Hi Truthseeker,
Thank You for the scriptures and the encouragement. yes I have received counseling in the past from court mandatory appts. from a crisis group and voluntary appts. with my old Pastor, but for years I haven't felt the need to go anymore for the abuse from the past. My main priority for the last few yrs. is to move forward and to forgive him for what has happened. Hopefully I have reached that point, I can have a conversation with him (which is only been a few times in 15 yrs.), but I cannot have a "relationship" with him because he still denies it, but I still pray for him as well. I know it may have sounded like I was "using this reason as an excuse" for my behavior or am still angry with him, but that's not the case. I am just, I guess, trying to explain what led to my behavior....when I read what is on this site, it was like my eyes are beginning to open to what roots are inside me that I was unaware of...I kept saying to myself on some level, I know God has forgiven me and I need to go on. But then when I read just exactly what sexual immorality is, I felt crushed. On one hand I am waiting on the Lord, giving it all to the Lord, then the next I feel like I'm in a wilderness and completely confused about which way to turn. So then that's when I question what I am doing that hinders my progress (or what I'm not doing). I guess I just need to step back and take it one day at a time. Sometimes, I get in a hurry to find answers and get confused in the process, then discouraged and shameful because I think "you're a bright person, why don't you get this"?
I am going to re-read those scriptures (obviously there's something I've missed). Thanks again, for the encouragement and prayers!
Gracefallonme
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Billyeah
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| Joined: | Sat Aug 27th, 2005 |
| Location: | Alberta Canada |
| Posts: | 235 |
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Posted: Fri Feb 2nd, 2007 12:01 am |
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I know, as I said do Erin, it's a bit uncomfortable for me to talk to women with a problem I am dealing with, but I hate to see people not respond for too long. So I need to ask you how are you doing?
Bill
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