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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 04:48 pm |
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Marc,
Thank you SO MUCH! That was very encouraging to read. It seems that you have experienced the pain of worry and fear that I have been experiencing. But you know what, I felt at peace today at church by myself (I wish my wife was there with me but she had a review class to attend) and I really felt close to the Lord. Afterwards, I stayed for a Christian Life class which I brought literature and brochures on financial plannibg for attendees. Like I said in my past posts, I love the new me. Same old fun Brian but without the sin. Living a good life now for Jesus.
I want my wife to experience this too and I do pray for her. She told me everything you stated what your wife said. My wife doesn't feel the love for me anymore, which tears me apart.
Last edited on Sun Apr 29th, 2007 04:57 pm by Brian Angels
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Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 07:20 pm |
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Hi Brian,
God saved you in order for you to have a relationship with Him for eternity. Having your relationship with God healed does not necessarily guarantee that your marriage will be healed, as both of you would have to be participants in that process. If your motivation for faith was mostly based on the hope that your marriage would be restored, rather than that your sin that has separated you from God, and would have done so for eternity, would be forgiven, then you could be disappointed. God has changed you because you needed changing, and that change brings glory to His name.
I don't know who Mort Fertel is, but noone can guarantee that they can save your marriage. Any hope for that requires two dedicated, even if wounded, parties, and if she will not dedicate herself to submit to God's word as it speaks to the sanctity of marriage, then God is not going to twist her arm and make her do so. Obedience to God is a choice. He does not make us robots.
Patience to wait on God's timing, and the unfolding of His plan for our lives is not easy. It is called faith, as Marc has said, because we need it each and every day, often moment by moment, to be guided through the storms of life. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure that "hurry" is in God's vocabulary. What He does promise is to be with us through everything, joy or hurt.
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 07:45 pm |
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Hi Truthseeker,
I'm starting to see an read God's plan. I know my being saved is not a guarantee to save my marriage but God made our situation happen to make me the true believing, Christian man he wants me to be. This man is the husband my wife wanted. That's the way I see things. Just several months ago, I could care less about religion, God, faith, etc. A lot of this was due to watching my father deteriorate with cancer but a lot of also due to my sins. My faith now grows stronger each and every day. Yes, did I need changing.
The thing about Mort Fertel and his guarantee to save a broken marriage is both husband and wife must participate. Now I know nothing is guaranteed really but what I said is because it's guaranteed or your money back. I paid $400 for this program/coaching. I'd pay way what it took if I knew my marriage could be saved. She said to send it back.  The hostility and hate is becoming too much. I know real men aren't afraid to show emotion but I'm tired of crying.
Last edited on Sun Apr 29th, 2007 07:48 pm by Brian Angels
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Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 08:19 pm |
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Hi Brian,
I'm sorry to hear of your father's battle with cancer. That is a gut-wrenching experience. My father died of cancer a little over a year ago.
TruthSeeker
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 08:20 pm |
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Brian,
I absolutely totally agree with what Truthseeker wrote.
Right now, the impression I get from what you are posting (and I know this is a VERY limited medium to really guage what is going on in another person's life for REAL) is that you are pressuring your wife to come back to the marriage, maybe even smothering her, because you are so desperate to prove to her that you are changed.
Honestly, I don't know her heart. But I do think that maybe if you just back off and drop the pressure, let God work in you, and trust HIM with the results, it may have a more appealing effect on your wife. Certainly, tell her you love her and that you WANT a restored marriage. But beyond that, tell her it's up to HER to come back to YOU. Then back off... back WAY down. This is likely going to be one of the hardest things you will have to do. But you cannot FORCE her to change anymore than she could force YOU to change! What happened to all those suggestions SHE made to you a few months ago??? They fell on deaf ears, right? You were on that side of the fence and you know what nagging or pushing accomplishes... NOTHING!
So, let her go. Do what you CAN do... but take all pressure off of her. It's likely that she may be reading your impatience in this and your deep desire to win her back as just another form of personal control.
Keep looking to God. Keep seeking to please HIM. Keep growing in the Lord... prepare yourself to be the vessel, pure, clean, and willing to do whatever God would ask of you.
Certainly, I will be praying for the restoration of your marriage. No doubt that would be God's perfect way since He hates divorce and only allows it for the hardness of our hearts. But, I will also be praying that God will grant you wisdom in dealing with this situation, that no matter how it turns out God will be honored and glorified through your life.
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 08:33 pm |
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Thank you Truthseeker. Yes it is very hard. Very sorry to hear about your father as well. It's a shame how horrible people suffer with cancer.
I know I need to back off -- she tells me all the time. I just love hearing her voice (when she's not yelling or cursing) and just talking to her. I miss her deeply.
Her telling me she forgave me and wants to reconcile our marriage gave me the impression that I can call her an make a date with her. I got upset when she turned down dinner to hang out with this guy friend of hers. I only see her once a week for two hours and feel that if our marriage is to work, we should go on one date a week, for several hours. That's not being pushy or asking too much. We usually talk all day long throught email and get a long fine, so I'm going to keep it at that. Actually, I only call her maybe once a day, if that. She usually calls me at night to say goodnight. Most of the time it's emails and text messages. Maybe she just gets sick at hearing my voice.  Kidding.
Last edited on Sun Apr 29th, 2007 08:34 pm by Brian Angels
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Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 08:55 pm |
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Hi Brian,
Have you asked her, no matter how fearful you may be of the answer, to define in concrete terms just what "backing off" should look like in her mind? So often, especially between men and women, we women are so sure that what we mean should be obvious to anyone with a brain the size of a pea, but the words we have spoken have a totally differing meaning to even the most intelligent of men. Does backing off mean no phone calls, TM's or e-mails? Not more than a certain number? Only initiated by her? Does backing off mean not investing in a program in which she has not yet agreed to participate? Does it mean not asking her out, but waiting for her to ask you out? Put the ball completely in her court. I pray and trust that she will not string you along, making you jump through this, that and the other hoop, only to say goodbye in a few weeks or months. Yes, this gives her a lot of power, including power to hurt you, which I hope she would not take lightly.
You have mentioned a number of times about her cursing at you. I hope, at this point, you do your best to refrain from responding in kind. The book of James has a lot to say about the tongue. It is a short one, and well worth the reading.
God knows you are willing. She knows you are willing. Now it is time to wait to see if she will let God work on her will. I have said before, and will likely repeat many more times, love is not a feeling. It is a choice. Romance is great, and there are ways to tend that flame, but it is the daily choice to be patient, kind, unselfish, etc. that makes a solid foundation for marriage.
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 09:11 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: God knows you are willing. She knows you are willing. Now it is time to wait to see if she will let God work on her will. I have said before, and will likely repeat many more times, love is not a feeling. It is a choice. Romance is great, and there are ways to tend that flame, but it is the daily choice to be patient, kind, unselfish, etc. that makes a solid foundation for marriage.
That is exactly what I said to her...that we have to work at keeping the love alive everyday. Love fades in every relationship. It's a given, inevitable fact. It's what we do to show it and keep it exactly as you said.
When she yells and curses I do not yell or curse back because she'll hang up on me. I'm worried about her because this is not the person she really is. She siad she is depressed and wants to be left alone. By that she means (from what I understand) not married and just alone, not bothered by anyone. That's not an option for a healthy, Godly marriage. I am more than willing to give her space...by all means yes. She said in counseling last week that the emails and text messages are fine. It's the constant demanding of her attention that pushes her away. I am working on that but again like I said, I just miss her. I miss the old her. This one is just outright nasty but I know it's part of the healing and forgiving process and I need to let her vent out to me and be hostile. But there is only so much of that I am willing to take.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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crucified123
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Posted: Sun May 6th, 2007 06:59 pm |
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I think you would do well to read "Every Man's Battle."
I also thing that what your pastor said is so out of line that perhaps he needs to deal with the position of his own heart concerning this issue.
#1 No where in God's Word does it say that men were design to look upon a women other than our spouse in such a way that was met soley within the bonds of marriage.
#2 Several research projects results have come out blowing the heck out of the belief or myth that men are more visual than women. Fact: Women are as visual as men for the same surface reasons as they are for the same underlying heart issues that God clearly outlines in His Word.
#3 Perhap this is why you were asked if you read your Bible. God clearly teaches us through Paul in 1Corinthians how to escape the passion that men and women have within their bodies. That is to find one person and pour all the love, attention, and affection upon one another. That is not lust, that's love.
#4 Please read my other posts.
#5. As long as you feed into the neural pathways that goes straight to the pleasure zone in your brain, you will reinforce in and feed off of the chemicals created within your own bodies. The deal is in order to get right you have to learn to retrain your brain in order to eradicate that other pathway and to create another one that is in line with God's Word.
#6 You have a choice what you are going to look at and why you are looking, but as long as you lean upon your own understanding and self-centered desires, you will continue to justify, rationalize, and grab ahold of anything that would give you the slightest excuse to be in the candy aisle.
#7 The first look is when you become aware of her presence. The second is when you permitted yourself the opportunity to look upon her. Sorry, most of these times, it's not accidental and for when it is, you immediately turn away from it. God wasn't fooling around when he said. "Do not seek after her beauty and do set your eyes upon her face or be captured by her eyelids." God is a God of love, but He is also a just God and like Him, He does want us to sell ourselves out or anyone out to the lust of our flesh - be in our minds or otherwise. You have to start asking yourself why you are looking upon a person. There's a huge difference between a glance and a look. There's a huge difference in bumping into someone and already knowing they are there, then going for it anyway and excusing it as: "I'm just a man." What about saying to yourself, " she is God's creation." "I have no right to look at her in any other way except in the light that God sees her." With a pure heart, undefiled, and with honor, respect, and dignity." "No matter how she may appear." "It's not might right ever to treat or to view her otherwise." Turn away and stop blaming God. This is a learned behavior wrought in the false beliefs that do not come from God's Word, but straight from the world.
Summary: God allows temptations to show us the position of our hearts. Only by getting our heart right and reframe our thinking towards others and God will we be able to withinstand the temptation and to call it for what it is. The candy aisle should be viewed in terms as sugar is viewed by a diabetic. You have a choice, but you have to be willing to go through the tremendous work and suffering that this most likely is going to cause you. Believe this, in Romans, Paul tells us that because we have worship the creature instead of the creator, we have lost all sensitivities towards others and thus have been blinded while perverting the very best things that God has given us. He also points out that many of us have been there, but have overcome. So can you, but that all depends how honest and truthful you want to get about this.
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun May 6th, 2007 08:08 pm |
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Crucified, you posted:
"#2 Several research projects results have come out blowing the heck out of the belief or myth that men are more visual than women. Fact: Women are as visual as men for the same surface reasons as they are for the same underlying heart issues that God clearly outlines in His Word."
I was unaware of this research. Could you direct me to a website or link where I could get more information about this?
Thank you!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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crucified123
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Posted: Sun May 6th, 2007 10:23 pm |
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Dear Susie,
Sure, look up:
1) An interview with Dr. Mark Lasser by Jim Killam
2) Also, http://www.helpandhope.org
3) New Brain research challenge the myth that men are more visual than men.
4) Erotic images elicit strong response from Brain or
5) http://mednews.wustl.edu/tips/page/normal/7319.html
6) Women Secret Shame by Terry Cooper
7) Research shows men and women look at seuxal photographs differently
Subtitle: Resuts may take soietal expectations by surprise
Website: http://eurekalert.org/pub-releases/2007-04/eu-rsm041207
They're finally catching up with God has already pointed out to us. It's not "just a man thing."
1 Corinthians 7:2 Let the husband render unto the wife due benvolence (dept) (what is owing) and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
1 Corinthians 7:7 For I would that all men were even as myself (Paul did not have a lust problem, in other words) (no, the thorn in his side was not lust) But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner (true celibacy), and another after that (sexual passion and desire to be with a woman).
1 Corinthians 7:8-9 I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, (females, singles, and females who husband's had died) It is good for them if they abide even as I. V.9 ( speaking to men and women alike) But if they cannot contain (passions) let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn (passion and in hell).
1 Corinthians 7:5 Defraud ye not (meaning the husband, nor the wife) one the other, except it be with consent for a time, . . . . come together again, that Satan tempt you (husband and wife, meaning either can be tempted) for your incontinency (deprivation of not expressing sexually the committment and love that you are to have and to hold towards each other and no other).
Hebrews 13:4 Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whormongers and adulerers God will judge.
Matthew 5:28 Jesus was pointing out to the people that they need to stop thinking that it was alright to just look at a woman, as long as they did not have physical sex with their bodies with them.
"But I say unto you, That whosoeverlooketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." Meaning why did you go there in the first place? What did you expect to find? What did you expect to receive? If your heart is adulteress, you will seek out women to fill that lust. It does not matter if you are horizontal or if you had a conscious lustful sexual thought towards her. Your heart was already speaking volumes. How many of us have had a crush on someone and in our minds, we saw them as "the one?" Without so much of a erotic act, but very much a desire to take in more information about that person. This Scripture is met for women as well. Sometimes, because of the common usage of "he" "his" or "man" we forget to apply when appropriate to the feminine, as well.
See Proverbs 6:25 Lust not (seek, desire, crave, want) after her beauty in thine heart (where? Right, in your heart); neitherlet her take thee with her eyelids.
By the way, men are whorish in the exact same way that a woman is. Don't they lie in wait? Don't they speak vanity? Don't they hang out on the corner? Don't they strut there stuff and speak seducing words. I'm sure you get the idea (for the purpose of seducing and self-worship).
Proverbs 5 tells us how to avoid this and how to resolve the need to fulfill our sexual identity and passions. In verse 8: Remove they way far form her, and come not nigh (near) the door of her house.
Hello, is anyone out there hearing this. The answer is to not even come near her doorsteps. That means to bounce your eyes as soon as you become aware of her presence. Anything short of this will cause you to get burned. I didn't say it, read God's Word and don't just be hearer, but doers.
We, in the body of Christ have become anemic in learning and standing up for God's Word. If you are a man, we are looking towards you to speak the truth and take whatever steps that you can to not allow humanism, psychology or liberalism to lead us into leavening the very essence of God's love that He has enabled each of us to dwell in - that is of holiness and a pure heart, mind, body, and soul. If you are woman, then I would say speak out and stand up as well. Buy books like "Every Man's Battle" and "Every Heart Restored." Then give it to your neighbors, sisters, brothers, pastors by all means, and so forth.
We may not be able to do anything about the "A" that is in our life, but that should not stop us from marching forward and restoring the fellowship from what lies it has bought into while enabling the very heart of it to be destroyed. I'm sick of it, aren't you.
Do we not have the spirit of boldness, love and a sound mind? Can we not allow God to use our suffering in order to fight this plague, this epidemic, the scourging of our young men and women, our families, and ourselves. Are we to wallow forever, waiting for our "A" to "get it" while our own lives are wasted away waiting to receive those things that are being given to another. And even they may not be ready to hear us, is there not others that needs to and will, if we speak out and give them the material that is needed? Who is our real husband? Who is the real lover of our souls? For such a time as this, how do we not know that God wants to use each of us to wake up the corner of earth that land that He has brought us into?
Psalms 27
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Hisheart
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Posted: Mon Mar 24th, 2008 10:09 pm |
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Brian Angels wrote: Thanks guys.
We had counseling tonight with the Pastor who married us. She said that the love isn't there like it used to be. She thinks of me as a friend right now. I believe this is normal because of what has happened over the past 6 months. We fell in love when I was held by sin (pornography and lust) so now that I am a changed man I feel things will be better in due time. I know I have to prove myself to her but being without her and not able to hold her like I did before is destroying me. I throw myself into prayer and the Bible and can say that helps tremendously. She still cringes at my touch, which just makes me want to break down.
I can understand if people think I'm being a phony about this change because of my past but I truly am sincere. Since I am separated, I am living with my mother. Tonight I asked my mother if she saw one of my Bibles and she asked me if I really read the Bible and if I am really addicted to pornography that bad? I kind of took that as an insult but just said I'm living in the light now and no longer a pig. I told her I was a self-centered pig since I was 12 years old and not going to let this sin ruin my life. Yes, I get temptations thrown at me everyday and every man will. It's just how nature works. My Pastor agrees that it's how you deal with temptation that matters. To quote him, "it's not a sin to be tempted but how you answer those temptations." I also asked him today about the difference between looking at a beautiful woman and lusting at a beatiful woman. He said "God gives you the first look, Satan gives you the second."
Back to what I was talking about: Time for a change wih myself has been long overdue. I'm not going to let this sin ruin our marriage -- damage has been done, yes, but with the help of God and commitment on my part, I feel our marriage will be a healthy, Godly one.
My wife knows this guy is in love with her. If I mention him and the whole situation with him, she kind of gets defensive. I have a right to feel threatened though and speak my mind but I don't want to upset her during this sensitive time.
Here is a verse the Pastor read to us tonight. It reall hit home in my situation I feel:
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" This meaning that the pig and lust hound I used to be is gone! Not saying my wife fell in love with that part of me (that part was hidden from her).
I just wanted to respond to the comment about the first look, versus the second. Only a man can know in his own heart, after he seeks God, whether or not that first look is sinful or not. Those women that you think of as sisters with no sexual thoughts at all about, do you need to take looks at them? You see scripture teaches that we are to think of all women as sisters or mothers. Men are to be thought of as brothers and fathers. So, if in that first look you are responding to something other than what you would see as a sisterly look, then there is something sexual about it, and it would be wrong. Just because a pastor says something, doesn't mean it lines up with God's Word. I am amazed at how many people have guilt about the way they feel when they look at a woman, but instead of searching the scriptures, or asking God about it, they ask another man who invariably says, oh no, that's not sinful. Be careful, if that many men are feeling guilt over it, maybe they are being convicted by the Holy Spirit. If you can find a scripture that backs up, "the first look is from God,"
please share it with me. I have heard many men say this, but I have not seen it in God's Word. Again, if that first look is similar to the way you would lok at someone that has no sex appeal to you, then I would agree that it was ok. However, if you need to look only at certain women, and you are looking because of some part of their sexuality, then you are being decieved into thinking it is,"from God."
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