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Brian Angels
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Posted: Tue Apr 24th, 2007 05:06 am |
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Although still separated, the past two weeks have been great between my wife and I. She had me over for dinner and I said grace. She held my hand in church last weekend. I thought things were progressing in a positive direction. However, the past several days she has been full of hostility and some cursing on the phone, getting loud and hanging up. I haven't had much conversation with her except "I'm going to bed" and "goodnight" or "I'll talk to you tomorrow" then she hangs up without allowing me to say goodnight.
I am now a changed man and the husband that she has always wanted. I am nothing but nice and trying with all my might to save my marriage. I am not pushing any more nor do I call her all the time like I used to. I asked her to stop talking to a guy she says is her best friend because he was there for her when we were at the bottom but this friend is in love with her. I trust her but I still feel threatened. I have every right to say I don't want her to hang out with or talk to him because of my feelings. I stopped talking to ex-girlfriends because it hurt her feelings when I did. Ever since I asked her to stop talking with this guy, I sense resentment and hostility.
Is this normal for a wife to take a few steps back while a former porn addicted husband gets saved and changes his life for the better?? Please help! Again, I feel like the good puppy being punished. It's like our roles have reversed.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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geeky_student
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Posted: Tue Apr 24th, 2007 06:53 am |
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Hi Brian, so sorry about that.
Well, i am not married, but I suppose the past hurts she thinks of still angers her, again, she has been hurt. Of course, we are to forgive each other's transgressions. Be patient, rely on God and wait for her.
as for the best friend, i am glad you trust your wife not to do such thing. If you really feel insecure, tell her, perhaps the same time now you know how she felt when you were being unfaithful. Pray with her on the phone, study the Scripture with her.
Sorry, but do you KNOW he's in love with her, or do you just suspect it because he was helping her out?
God bless! count your blessings, name them one by one. yes, even in the hard times, you find so many blessings God has blessed you with that you took for granted before.
praying for you
keep clean! let the enemy not get any foothold, don't even think of justifying sinning
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love. 
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Tue Apr 24th, 2007 12:38 pm |
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geeky_student wrote: as for the best friend, i am glad you trust your wife not to do such thing. If you really feel insecure, tell her, perhaps the same time now you know how she felt when you were being unfaithful.
Yes, I know for a fact he is in love with her. I trust her completely but the fact remains that I feel uncomfortable with them hanging out. I respected her feelings so mine should be respected as well. How is a marriage to heal like this. It's not one way. I was never physically unfaithful to my wife with the exes. Only with my eyes and porn.
Thanks for the reply.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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geeky_student
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 01:33 am |
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you are welcome
oh... well... so he still likes your wife?
I suppose being honest to your wife about your insecurities would be a good idea, without being angry, and i don't know if she will say something like: well now you know how i felt, but if she does, respond with kindness. Again, coming to the Lord together is a good idea. Jesus is the one who heals broken relationships.
sorry, but does your wife know that he likes her? If she does, i think she should draw the line before... of course, dont sound angry about that, ask her nicely. After all, you trust her.
pray that everything would turn out in God's will, He knows whats best, surrender all (not some) to Him. I need to work on that, too
God bless!
praying for you
lean on the everlasting arms!
keep clean! stand strong in the storm, focus on Jesus, dont be of little faith
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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forthelord47
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 01:49 am |
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Patience Brother,
Wait for the LORD;
be strong and take heart
and wait for the LORD.
Thanks for reaching out. What you are experiencing is very hard and you honor us by sharing your struggle. Each situation is different. Your wife has her own rhythms of healing. Her emotional experiences are part of the healing process. Try to stay calm during her rough emotional patches and lean on the Lord. If you trust your wife...and trust that Jesus wants the best for your marriage then stop sharing your opinion about her male friend. You can share your fears with her and that you really understand how much your past sinful behavior has hurt her.
God bless,
Marc
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 03:54 am |
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Thanks guys.
We had counseling tonight with the Pastor who married us. She said that the love isn't there like it used to be. She thinks of me as a friend right now. I believe this is normal because of what has happened over the past 6 months. We fell in love when I was held by sin (pornography and lust) so now that I am a changed man I feel things will be better in due time. I know I have to prove myself to her but being without her and not able to hold her like I did before is destroying me. I throw myself into prayer and the Bible and can say that helps tremendously. She still cringes at my touch, which just makes me want to break down.
I can understand if people think I'm being a phony about this change because of my past but I truly am sincere. Since I am separated, I am living with my mother. Tonight I asked my mother if she saw one of my Bibles and she asked me if I really read the Bible and if I am really addicted to pornography that bad? I kind of took that as an insult but just said I'm living in the light now and no longer a pig. I told her I was a self-centered pig since I was 12 years old and not going to let this sin ruin my life. Yes, I get temptations thrown at me everyday and every man will. It's just how nature works. My Pastor agrees that it's how you deal with temptation that matters. To quote him, "it's not a sin to be tempted but how you answer those temptations." I also asked him today about the difference between looking at a beautiful woman and lusting at a beatiful woman. He said "God gives you the first look, Satan gives you the second."
Back to what I was talking about: Time for a change wih myself has been long overdue. I'm not going to let this sin ruin our marriage -- damage has been done, yes, but with the help of God and commitment on my part, I feel our marriage will be a healthy, Godly one.
My wife knows this guy is in love with her. If I mention him and the whole situation with him, she kind of gets defensive. I have a right to feel threatened though and speak my mind but I don't want to upset her during this sensitive time.
Here is a verse the Pastor read to us tonight. It reall hit home in my situation I feel:
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" This meaning that the pig and lust hound I used to be is gone! Not saying my wife fell in love with that part of me (that part was hidden from her).
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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clean2day
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 08:07 am |
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There is not much I can say except that I pray for you both. A song that is sung at church goes something like this....
The God of the mountin. is the God in the valley the God of the night, is the God of the day.
I know it hurts to see or know that someone else is where you want to be. but remember that God can turn this bleak time into His glory. The only advice I can give you is to love your wife, and show it in anyway you can.
Faith, Hope and Love... and the greatest of these is Love.
It's His promise belive it.
C2d
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"When you need a victory, Jesus gives it.
When you need a friend, Jesus will be there.
When you need to talk, Jesus will listen.
And if you need to cry, Jesus will hold you close.
Rev E. O. Hilt 1908 - 1988
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 06:09 pm |
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Hi Brian,
These guys have shared much wisdom.
I hope you won't mind me interjecting a feminine perspective. Have you ever had a very good female friend where absolutely nothing physical happened? If so, then you know it is possible. If not, you may be painting her friendship with the broad brush of your own experience/inexperience. As I mentioned in another post, this healing of your marriage is not likely, no more than any of life, to be a steadily climbing road. It will have peaks and dips and bumps, but the closer you draw to the Lord, the more of an even keel you will maintain.
Keep in mind that it is really best to be very close friends with your spouse before you seek to love them for a lifetime. Love is not a warm and fuzzy feeling. That is attraction, infatuation, etc. Love is a choice to treat each other, till death do you part, in accordance with 1 Cor. 13:4-7. Will you choose to be patient and not envy?
Praying for your patience and wisdom, and for her wisdom and maintenance of boundaries with the friend.
TruthSeeker
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 07:18 pm |
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Brian,
I can't speak for your wife, but I can speak for where I am.
I am seeking to walk a lot of things out with the LORD, seeking to forgive my husband and rebuild faith, trust, and even intimacy.
I have days when I can do this. I can hug him or say "I love you" and ABSOLUTELY feel it is true. Then other days it is just harder. I still look at him and feel angry or hurt. I can only say for myself that I just keep asking the LORD to help me. Help me NOT harden my heart toward him. Help me forgive. Let go. Be understanding.
It is a process. Some days are harder than others.
I pray your wife will continue to let the LORD minister to her where she is hurting and angry and I think all you can do is be responsible for YOURSELF. Love her, be patient and know that there are parts of this she has to walk out with the LORD on her own, just as there are things He is doing with you that are between you and God. Keep moving forward, keep praying for her and being patient.
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Wed Apr 25th, 2007 07:49 pm |
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I have two female friends that are just like that, great friends and I don't seem them in a sexual way but more like sisters. But they never told me they were in love with me. Maybe I'm just jealous because she talks to him more than me and I feel he is getting all the attention when she should be spending time healing our marriage. I know that all he is is a friend to her but I'd feel more comfortable if she spoke with another woman or a counselor who she felt comfortable with. This guy told me that he has no feeling for her but I knew all along that he did. When I talked to him I kept saying..."you're really sure you never said that" all along I knew he did. He lied to me and I don't trust him.
Out of respect to my wife, I stopped talking to some girls that she felt threatened by even though there was nothing to worry about. I just wish she would respect my feeling with this.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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Suzi
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Posted: Fri Apr 27th, 2007 09:05 pm |
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Brian,
Let me throw this out to you to try to help you understand the resentment your wife has when you try to tell her what to do...
You said " I feel he is getting all the attention when she should be spending time healing our marriage."
Hmmmm.... you know what went through my mind when I read it??
I would be answering right back at you... well, who BROKE it???? Why is the marriage so hurt? Sure, it takes two.
But it's going to be a natural inclination for her to respond (if she is honest!)... why do *I* have to do the work?
Now, don't misunderstand me... yes, it takes BOTH. But based on your past and your unproven present, she is probably going to cringe every time you try to limit HER choices and make HER fly right!
Now, personally, I think it's a dangerous situation. She is likely very vulnerable right now. But the last person who really has a "right" to tell her what to do is a husband who is estranged from her because of HIS inappropriate choices.
The best advice I can give you it so pray, pray, pray for her. Love her the best way you can. Take full responsibility for the damage that you have caused in your relationship and don't buckle just because it's hard and seems like you aren't getting the response you WANT from her as soon as you want it.
How long were you involved in porn and the things that caused damage to your marriage? Are you willing to invest at least that much time in rebuilding your marriage, even without much movement from her? Certainly, I believe that ALL THINGS ARE NEW once we become a believer... but trust is the issue here.
Are you trustworthy now? Unconditionally?
It's a long, long road back in rebuilding trust. You sound to me like you are doing good... so don't give up! Base your actions on what you KNOW is right... seek to please God, not man! (Or woman!) Please God and what you will get is greater treasure than any earthly or human reward you may crave.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sat Apr 28th, 2007 06:14 pm |
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Suzi,
Yes, I am doing very good. Ever since I started prayer, church, reading the bible, stopped looking at porn, I have lost almost all anxiety and anger. I am a new man (same fun personality) but now live for the right thing instead of wasting life away as a selfish pig. The tables have turned it seems. I am now the one who wants closeness, intimacy, affection, and a strong marriage. Several months ago I was just concerned about myself and losing my father and job. I thought she'd stick around through the worst of times no matter what. That was my mentality that we are married so she has to deal with my ways. Never did separation or divorce cross my mind. Now that it's time to be a real man and I am now a real man, she is distant.
I understand about building trust back. Its going to take a proven track record, I know that. I'm listening to Mort Fertel now and our exact situation is in there and the marriage was saved by dating again and rebuilding trust. She found out about my porn habit back in April 2006, 5 months before we got married. Then she got really upset with my habit a month after we got married. The addiction made me keep looking at it the more she demanded me to stop and started making ultimatums.
My main point is our marriage will not be saved if she keeps disrespecting me by hanging out with this guy. I trust her but I don't trust him. I talked with him on the phone several weeks ago and asked him nicely to back off and he said he would. I also confronted him about him loving my wife and he said he didn't (when all along I had the email.) He lied, so I don't trust him. It really bothers me that she will still hang out with and talk to him after all this. There is no respect there. I did everything that she said she wanted me to do to show some respect for her (stop talking to exes, stop my wild behavior, get rid of her "risque" picture, etc.)
There is only so much of this I will take before I give up on healing my marriage. I want to make it work more than anything but she is making it difficult now. She said she forgave me last week but now she backed up and is hostile again. She said she believes my sincerity with my change, my faith and that is what she wanted all along in a husband. But why the resistance now??
Trust me, God is very proud of me right now. I kicked Satan and his ways out of my life.
I am very trustworthy now. By all means yes. But how do I prove it if she spends her time in solitaire or when she is out it's with this guy and her guy friends. I mean I just want things to go back how they were when we were madly in love with each other. Our honeymoon was a great example of it. So is our weekend trips together.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Apr 28th, 2007 11:14 pm |
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Hi Brian,
There are two things you said on which I feel the need to comment.
"There is only so much of this I will take before I give up on healing my marriage." Please, please, whether the marriage is restored or not, do not give up on God. It is only Jesus who can make you whole, bringing contentment and abiding joy, not just fleeting worldly happiness.
"Trust me, God is very proud of me right now. I kicked Satan and his ways out of my life." Hopefully, one day, you will hear your Lord say "wel done, thou good and faithful servant." For now, Jesus and all the angels of Heaven are rejoicing that you have submitted your will to Christ, enabling God's power and strength to work in your life, resulting in Satan's schemes being disrupted. Beware, however, of perceiving that God is proud of your work, as it is only by the work of Jesus Christ on the cross that any freedom from sin is possible.
TruthSeeker
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sat Apr 28th, 2007 11:46 pm |
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Hi Truthseeker,
Maybe I didn't delve deep enought with what I said. "There is only so much of this I will take before I give up on healing my marriage." This means that there is only so much of this hostility, hanging up on me, cursing at me, her hanging with this kid after me asking her to respect my feeling enough not too, emotional abuse I can take. I deserve better and being a and feeling like a new man, I deserve better. I will never give up on God. He got me this far and feeling so good.
I like my new life, the new man I've become. No more do I feel like a loser. I deserve someone who is willing to let me love them, show it, and have them love me back un conditionally.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 01:35 am |
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Brian,
Are you open to reading a book? I am thinking maybe Dobson's "Love Must Be Tough" might give you some insight into both sides of this situation.
I understand that there is a point where "enough is enough", but I also think sometimes there is a point of dying to ourself... where we allow God to determine the outcome, especially when we have been the one who was initially responsible for the break in the relationship.
Focus on pleasing God. And then be willing to let God take care of what you can't force.
This is a huge opportunity for your faith in God to grow.
Just a few thoughts...
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 02:13 am |
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Suzi,
Thank you for your reply. I am open to reading anything that'll help me be a better husband.
My faith in God actually grows everyday no matter what happens between me and my wife.
I just got off the phone with my wife and she sounds like she doesn't want to give me another chance. I don't know what to do I am so depressed. I'm not angry but just downright sad. I don't want to lose her. Knowing my actions were what caused this and knowing she tried so many times to get through to me, to save our marriage when I had my addiction, just makes me cry. I'm actually crying right now just by thinking of it. If this isn't repenting and feeling truly sorry than I don't know what is. She printed out articles on porn addiction, read books on the topic, read a book to make her cope with what I was doing -- and I didn't care. And now I could lose her because of it. It's killing me.
She won't even do the Mort Fertel program with me. I don't want to keep sounding repetitive but I AM A NEW MAN. I love the new man I've become and I want to share that with her. She said I'm a stranger because of it but it wasnt meant to sounds negative.
She says she forgives me but doesn;t think she wants to make it work. Someone please help. Please.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 02:35 am |
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Hi Brian,
In another recent thread, I mentioned my love of Tigger, but I am about to more closely resemble Eeyore. This is not intended to discourage, but to rest in the back of your mind for when the high/honeymoon of your salvation wanes.
"I like my new life, the new man I've become. No more do I feel like a loser. I deserve someone who is willing to let me love them, show it, and have them
love me back un conditionally."
You feel wonderful right now, and you should. Jesus has washed all of your sins away, especially one that has ensnared you for years, and has deeply wounded, perhaps mortally so, your marriage, and you are looking forward to eternity with God, not separated from Him. What I want you to internalize is that all you are learning is true. God's Word is trustworthy, all the time, regardless of how you feel. When we feel good, it is easy to believe that God loves us, forgives us, is always with us, and has a plan for our lives. It is much more of a struggle to cling to those truths when things happen in our lives to which our first reaction is "why God?" Equally, perhaps even more difficult, is the challenge of not throwing in the towel and decide that we are not good enough the first time, or hundredth time, we colossally screw up, as all of us do, being forgiven, not yet perfected. Just do a search on this site for threads where so many have expressed the fear that they could lose their salvation. Faith will not always make you feel exhilarated, but it can always be the source of deep and lasting peace.
Another myth I am going to shatter is that there is such a thing as unconditional love between two human beings. Yes, we can get pretty close sometimes, but we can be rather far at others. Our humanness will make us prone to seek to change our spouse, even in little ways, because our minds are all to prone to the "if onlys."
One last thought... Thankfully, God never gives believers what we deserve, as being freed from what we deserve is the whole point of salvation. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from the Father above. Anything that he grants in the way of our desires is completely a gift of His grace.
I hope that forewarned is forearmed.
TruthSeeker
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 02:48 am |
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Hi Brian,
Should she maintain this outlook, there is a difficult, but absolutely crucial thing you must do. You must forgive yourself for your role, and her for hers. Sadly, sometimes we awaken too late to a need for change, but, as I said above, God has a special plan for your life, regardless of her decision at this point.
Praying...
TruthSeeker
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Brian Angels
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 03:58 am |
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truthseeker wrote: Hi Brian,
Should she maintain this outlook, there is a difficult, but absolutely crucial thing you must do. You must forgive yourself for your role, and her for hers. Sadly, sometimes we awaken too late to a need for change, but, as I said above, God has a special plan for your life, regardless of her decision at this point.
Praying...
TruthSeeker
You see, I think this is a test of faith for me by God and maybe he's showing my wife that the faithless can be saved (he's showing her his power of changing me -- enhancing her faith.) But she now says she doesn't believe in marriage, she's losing her faith, she thinks people can have great equal love for each other. I don't know where this is coming from because she sees the change in me. I'm at a loss here.
Reason I think it's a test because I see people on here who've been battling this for years and years. Meanwhile, my wife and I haven't even had our one year anniversary. We're still marital babies. If you ask me, we were saved early but it just seems over now because of all the pain. I want the ability to prove myself to her.
I told my wife today that I'm actually happy all of this happened because I am saved and can now give her the Godly Christian marriage she wanted but I was unable to provide. It is up to God because why would he change me and harden my wife only to end our marriage?? He's doing something but I sure hope he hurries up because it hurts. 
If only I touched her face more like she liked. If only I laid in bed with he rlonger at night. If only I didn't betray her over and over and over with pornography. I don't think I could ever forgive myself for what I've done to her. She didn't do anything wrong in our marriage so I feel no need to forgive her.
Mort Fertel guarantees to save our marriage so I really want her to participate with me. But it's all up to God. I would love nothing more than to pray with her right now.
____________________
Brian
The key to a successful marriage is not finding the right person, it's learning to love the person you found. - Mort Fertel
2 Corinthians 5:17 "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!&q
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forthelord47
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Posted: Sun Apr 29th, 2007 01:48 pm |
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I'm praying for you and the restoration of your marriage. Throughout my separation there have been many times when my wife clearly told me that she "needed a fresh start" without me. At times she has said that there must be "a better man out there." and the continuation of our marriage could "never work." When she has said such things with conviction, it has been very frightening to me. So, I bring the burden to the Lord through prayer and I have reached out to my brothers and sisters on Blazing Grace. Jesus has always refreshed my spirit and protected me from my own fear. This is critical as my own fear has brought me to some dark and deadly places in the past. When I find myself in the desert of my marriage, I remember that the most important reason that I awaken each day is to deepen my relationship with Jesus. Healing my marriage is critically important but not as important as being obedient and loving to my Lord and Saviour.
My wife and I have been experiencing a "good stretch" for a few weeks now but I'm aware that her discouragement about me and our marriage may surface at any time. There is no quick fix for the betrayal, abuse and suffering that my wife experienced in our marriage. However, God continues to intercede in mighty ways, keeping me clean and nourishing our marriage. Through this jagged time of healing, God has shown me:
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
God bless you, Brother,
Marc
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