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stoic79
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Posted: Wed Apr 11th, 2007 06:15 pm |
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Hello to all, I am new to the forum.
Ok, so I need some advice on dealing with a very needy, very demanding, very controlling wife.
Each morning is a struggle as I head off to work and my wife tries everything in her power to get me to stay home, from trying to convince me using sex to finally getting angry and telling me how I'm never home to help with our baby (I'm home from work before 5 every night and never work late). I'm not a workaholic and take time off when I can from my job but it's never good enough.
Every moment we are together must be spent with HER. I can not do anything else. If work needs to be done around the house and I do it, she's angry with me because I'm not spending time with her. However; if there are projects at home that need to be done, I'm spoken to with scorn if I suggest having someone else come in and do it because I'm not doing it myself.
My wife grew up in a home where her father was never around and her mother was abusive. I realize that she has been wounded due to this, but I can't fill the entire void in her life for her. We have not been very active in church and I know this is the first step, but simply getting her out of the house to do anything is a chore unless she thinks of it and then again she complains that there is too much to do.
The everyday battle of her neediness wears on me. I'm trying not to feel like I'm failing her but it is never good enough.
Some helpful advice would be appreciated.
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splendor
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Posted: Wed Apr 11th, 2007 08:20 pm |
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| stoic, sounds like she has major abandonment issues. I can only imagine how hard it is for you, like she is smothering you. It would send me in the opposite direction. I would try and get her some counciling. Most SA's have problems with intimacy, perhaps if you would share more of your feelings with her? Have you discussed this with her and told her how you feel?
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forthelord47
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Posted: Wed Apr 11th, 2007 08:49 pm |
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In the spirit of not casting judgement to either you or your wife, I will suggest that both of you seek out a licensed marriage therapist who is a Christian.
God bless,
Marc
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Apr 11th, 2007 09:06 pm |
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Hi Stoic79,
I think Marc's advice is right on target. It sounds like there are some much deeper meanings behind what she says, and, which you did not say, there is any porn or other issues between you counsel is likely needed.
Just a couple of questions to ponder. Did you see signs of this while dating? Before the baby? If she has not always acted this way, can you pinpoint any significant event that might have been a catalyst? Have you actually asked her how you are to handle the dicotomy of doing the chores yourself, but how that takes away time with her? Couldn't she keep you company while you do them, or work along side you? Does she know any other stay-at-home moms? She may just be plain lonely in addition to abandonment issues. Many churches and community centers have groups for young mothers to help keep cabin fever at bay.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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stoic79
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Posted: Thu Apr 12th, 2007 12:57 pm |
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We had issues when we first were married about my use of porn. I know I've struggled with it for over 10 years, but only since we've been married have I made any effort to fight my addiction. Each day is a battle, and I loose a lot more than I'd like to admit, but I am not a product of my sin and with continued prayer, God's patience, friendships and my stubborness will I have the weapons for the long battle.
I am sort of a closed book at times. I don't really realize it and I know I'm shut in because of my past experience with having my feelings negated as meaninless by women. It's not my wife's fault this happened and I do it out of habit sometimes. It's a battle, as always, to overcome old hardwired attitute; but with continued prayer, God's patience, friendships and my stubborness will I have the weapons for the long battle
She does not know any other stay at home mom's and a lot of this stems from lonliness. She has been abandoned by her family many times and I reassure her that I'm not going to run out on her. I get the feeling that she feels trapped at home with taking care of our son.
I do need to find her some activities outside the home with other Mom groups and with a local church we like. As most men know, this kind of activity can be dangerous ground to approach, so I will tread carefully. Pray for me and thank you.
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 01:22 am |
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Wow,
I definitely back up the advice to get to counseling, fast! Meanwhile, I am sure you are feeling smothered.... and I HAVE done that with my H also, in the early stages of discovery of his infidelity. But it was just a brief period, and somehow we were able to hang in there together.
I guess what I would suggest is that you pray for God to reveal to you any changes you need to make in the way of reassurance to her, communication to her.
Even if you are not much into reading books, The Five Love Languages by Chapman can be very useful... even just looking at the index or reading a synopsis of it on Amazon. Stop and think about what language she responds to the most. Hey, it can't hurt, can it?
When I was smothering my H with my needs, it was totally because of my HUGE insecurities and lack of trust. Eventually, I was able to heal enough to realize what you already know ... that is, that no man can totally fit a wife's needs (and vice versa)... only GOD can do that!
Definitely try to get her connected to a women's ministry...
And keep praying about what you need to do to help her feel more secure.
We'll be praying right along with you!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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stoic79
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 01:59 pm |
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Thank you for all your advice.
We recently found out that we were pregnant again and going to have a second child. This is NOT what my wife wanted and I am continuously being blamed for getting her pregnant and ruining her life. Each day I have to endure being berrated for the horrors that I have heaped upon her life. Our first child is getting to be a bit older and she was hoping for a little more time to be independent, but since this has happened, she has slipped into depression. She expects me to be home ALL the time (from work) to take care of her and our child. I truly believe that I have ruined her and that this pregnancy will destroy her emotionally.
Things are not going well.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 04:39 pm |
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Hi stoic79,
COUNSELLING STAT!
Rereading this thread, a couple of other things jump out at me. Not only does it seem that she is concerned about repetition of abandonment, but that she is seeing you more as a replacement for the father who abandoned her more than a husband. Women, wives, are not helpless and in need of constant care, but children are needing that care from a parent. Also, she is willing to use sex to try and keep you home, but then becomes angry with YOU when pregnancy occurs? I'm presuming that the two of you had a plan of contraception, and that you were not in any way negligent with whatever role you might have had in utilizing it. Thus, if it failed, which it does from time to time, nature takes its course. I hope, if it was not used for some reason, that that was clearly a mutual decision, though she might be trying to conveniently forget that.
Does she just not like being a mother? Did she seem to want children prior to her first pregnancy? If so, any idea what has changed? Does she, perhaps, fear repeating her mother's behavior? Would she rather have been working outside the home? If she could make enough working to cover the cost of daycare, maybe it would help her emotionally, though, I suppose, my gut tells me it would just be another stress for her. Then there is the dicotomy of her spending so much time putting you down, which makes it hard to want to spend as much time with her as she wants. I am praying that God will bolster your faith, compassion, and thick skin. I am praying for your wife too, but if she views God as being just another one who has abandoned her, she is not likely to seek His strength for all that is troubling her.
Praying some more...
TruthSeeker
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stoic79
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 05:14 pm |
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You are correct in that she conveniently forgets about birth control. We are normally very stringent with it, however, there was an Oops that suddenly became ALL MY FAULT.
I don't know why she does this. Is it to look better in her eyes? I catch her lying about minor little things, like what I said, or someone else said, or how a situation went down. When she's talking about it to her other family members, she'll add comments or reactions that make things seem totally different. I don't call her on it because she argues with me about how I don't listen or are not paying attention.
I think she is creating a situation in her own mind and making up reasons to leave me. She's made comments in the past about how easy it will be to divorce me and how I'm going to have to pay out the ass for the rest of my life because of it.
Just this morning she tried to get me to come home again because she is tired. I've taken just about all the time I can off of work and if I'm going to continue to have a job, I need to be here. That's not good enough and unless I'm there 24-7, I'm no help to her.
I'm going to loose my family.
I'll try with the counseling route but I know it will only be met with scorn and contempt. I can't help her.
-Stoic
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed May 2nd, 2007 07:27 pm |
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Hi stoic79,
Everyone is different, so I can only speak for myself. Yes, especially early stages of pregnancy can really zap one's strength, but who does she think babies all the other mothers in the world? Why does she think she needs more babying than others?
With comments about how she's going to make you pay, I would start documenting all of her disfunctional behavior, using a mini-recorder if necessary. (You might check the legality of that.) I don't know how you would cope with two children on your own, but if she can't handle it with you there, how will she ever handle it alone. It does not sound, if your portrayal is well-rounded, that she is a viable candidate for custody.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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stoic79
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Posted: Fri May 4th, 2007 03:38 pm |
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Thank you for all your helpful advice.
The thing that bothers me the most is that, I'm working my harderst to support my family and it never seems to be good enough. Not a day goes by that she doesn't get into an argument with me about coming home early (like at 9 am!) and when I tell her that I can't, she tells me how work is more important that her and if I really loved my family I'd be home with them right now. I'm at work from 8am to 4pm, that's all! I don't work well into the night or leave at the crack of dawn.
How can you argue with that?! If I'm not at work I'm not doing my job and risk losing it and having no income in the family at all. On top of that, it is my responsibility to be here and do well as God decrees we should take our responsibilites seriously. But in her logic, I don't love them because I'm at work. I'm in a trap and there is no way out. Every approach I take is met with the same resistance. If I tell her I can come home early, it's not early enough. If I tell her I can't be there every second of the day for her, it's I SHOULD BE. There is no way I can support my family that way. When I tell her that, it's my fault for choosing the line of work I'm in (WAY BEFORE I EVEN MET HER)
As you can see, it's like being in quicksand. Not a day goes by that this does not happen and every amount of reassurance does not work. This was a problem even before the second baby, so it's not like it's been the pregnancy. She just has more amunition to through at me now.
Any thought?
-Stoic
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri May 4th, 2007 05:17 pm |
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Hi stoic79,
Does she think that money grows on trees? Does she think that someone is going to pay you a decent wage for doing nothing? Does she think that a family with two healthy adults is going to qualify for welfare? Were you not employed when you met and/or married? I'm just thrilled when overtime is not beyond five hours a week. There have been times, admittedly not easy, when my H has had 30-40 hours just in overtime!
And did I mention COUNSELLING, STAT?
TruthSeeker
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