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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 07:30 am |
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Hi AngelasEyes,
Just because many, many do it does not make it ok. It is the unfaithfulness, the broken vows, that are a major source of your insecurity. It is not that secure women can "deal" with this. Secure women become insecure, even for a time, BECAUSE of this. He does not do this because you are not good enough, but likely because he feels that HE is not good enough, inadequate, not because of you, but likely because of things from long before you met, and ongoing, like the lack of affirmation from his parents. I am guessing that he is not finding that affirmation in God's grace, a concept that many addicts struggle with tremendously, even though they say they believe it with their mouths. Each repetition of the sin reinforces, incorrectly of course, their unworthiness for that grace.
Tears are a response that helps restore equalibrium to the body. While we can suppress them, and, on the opposite end of the spectrum do not want to be consumed by them, they are a part of what keeps us in balance. Self-forgiveness is also tremendously important. Have you ever considered that when you keep beating yourself up for something for which you have already asked forgiveness, which is granted instantly, that God is being called a liar, deemed not to have been faithful and just to forgive, and less than omnipotent? It is Satan who came to steal, kill and destroy. Christ came that we might have life, and that more abundantly. It is God's desire for us to do so much more than merely survive.
Truth? Even if he has told you 100% of the truth by now, you may not believe it for a very long time, if ever. Is not truth what we all seek? (Thus my ID.)
If he has listened to you receptively and begins to take strides toward recovery from this moment forth, you may choose to spare his dignity. If not, however, you need to seriously internalize that this does not reflect on you, though some ignorant people will suggest otherwise, but is his behavior alone. Shame is the club that most addicts wield to coerse silence, either by making the wife eroneously believe that she is the cause, or by suggesting that if she really loves him she wouldn't want to embarrass him. The truth is that the wife does not cause it, and that he, alone, embarrasses himself.
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 04:40 pm |
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| THANK YOU SO MUCH! You all are wonderful. I have arranged for a babysitter for tonight and I plan to have a heart felt conversation with my husband that should have been done years ago. You all have given me that courage! Dont worry Im not going to lash out at him or kick him out (like I want to do sometimes!) But I want to talk to him like I never have before. I hope he hears me! I will be praying hard today that GOD will have his way in my home tonight! Thank you all for listening to me and responding. I am truly amazed at how you all are taking the time out of your own lives to comfort people in this situation...GOD BLESS YOU ALL. and from the bottom of my heart...thank you. My husband is a wonderful man. I know he has hidden pain. A big part of me wants to just hug him and hold him the way I want to be held and tell him everything is ok. I think I could if I knew He wouldnt turn around and hurt me all over again! I do love him. I love my family. And I am no quitter. We have a motto with our girls with our last name...we say "Ritters arent quitters!" I know GOD is about to move for me. But thank you all so much. You are each appreciated very much!
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justme
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 05:00 pm |
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Angelaseyes,
I sent you a private e-mail. Don't know if you thought to check that or not.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 22nd, 2007 05:02 pm |
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Angela, I am praying hard with you.
Heavenly Father, I ask that you would do mighty work in this home through your Holy Spirit this evening. Please give Angela the words of truth in love that her husband needs to hear, and please prepare his heart to receive them in humility, so that recovery and healing may begin, followed by restoration and growth in to the marriage you desire them to have. In Jesus' precious name, amen.
TruthSeeker
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jake
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Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 10:58 am |
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TimM, you said: I hope some of the women here will soon get involved in this thread. They can obviously offer advice relevant to your situation better than fellow perps like gaylon and myself. I really give you guys credit! . It is very helpful to hear other womens views, but I don't think you guys realise... that because you have been there and you are now in recovery that you guys will tell us the truth. I know no two sex addicts are the same, some want to change & some don't, but I see the answers you guys give and how open you are about it, and that really helps knowing that my husbands words, actions and answers corraspond very simular to all the guys that post here. That's encouraging for us to know that they are making that effort & progress to become honest with themselves and the people they love. Thanks to all who give honest answers you all deserve a medal.
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 03:12 pm |
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I agree, I totaly respect that the men have stepped up and are honestly trying to help! I appreciate your views because so often men and women see things so differently. But let me just say something this morning...
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO ARE PRAYING! I know with all of my heart that some of you have been praying for me. I was alone with my husband last night for the first time in a while...faced with the communication of these issues at hand....I spoke with several of you who recommended the Celebrate Recovery program offered at many churches...Unfortunatley I had never heard of it around my area. I prayed and asked GOD to please help my family with some kind of counceling or program or somebody to help us.... My husband came in with the local newspaper. I immediately took it and began to read it, honestly as an avoidance to talk at that very second..I was nervous and embarrased of the topic I was about to have to face head on. I prayed in my head and opened the paper pretending to be interested and there was a huge ad that read: "CELEBRATE RECOVERY 12 step program now available for the first time at a church only about 5 minutes from my home,,,with free babysitting provided. Special issues mens and womens groups now starting on friday nights. "
I began to tear up because at that moment I felt GOD is hearing and responding to me. It is so comforting when GOD shows himself to us. This may sound a little over the top, but for me I know that through our prayers, GOD has provided this program for me and my husband and that this will be our first step in healing our relationship. I immediately showed the ad to my husband, and he agreed to go and agreed that it is needed. He initiated prayer out loud with me after reading the article and I sensed a real desire to make things better. I know we still have a long way to go...but I know in my heart this is GODs will.
Thanks to all of you who are praying and please keep it up. Also if any of you have any comments on this program feel free to tell me about it!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 03:32 pm |
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Oh Angela, my eyes are still moist with tears of joy and awe at god's incredible working! What an unmistakeable answer to prayer!
I do not have personal experience of Celebrate Recovery, but visited a church not long ago that had it. The members seemed to feel that it was one of the most beneficial programs that their church had. So does it start tonight?
In praise and prayer...
TruthSeeker
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Fri Mar 23rd, 2007 09:41 pm |
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Hi!
Yes the class does start tonight. We have planned to take the girls and go to dinner and then attend the class. The girls are excited because just so happens my sister works at this church as a day care /preschool worker and my little 4 year old begs to go there every day but we havent put her in a daycare due to me being at home with them...So everyone is excited to go and I know this is definatley GOD at work. I really feel a million lbs lifted already just knowing that help is available and that my husband is so anxious and sincere about knowing the help is needed.
Thanks to all of you prayer warriors! And please keep praying for my family! As I will do the same for each and every one of you. GOD BLESS YOU ALL! ~Angela
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hcraigp
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 01:17 pm |
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I had to respond to your post because I can relate very closely with your story. It's wonderful that you have found a Christ-oriented recovery program. From my own experience, I think it is nearly impossible to recover alone. I strongly encourage you both to embrace the opportunity. If, for some reason, this program doesn't work out, do whatever it takes to find one that does work. If at any point your husband stops going (like I did), you need to keep going.
Otherwise, the main point I wanted to make is you should both seriously consider seeking individual therapy with a professional who is trained and experienced in working with people affected by sexual addiction. In my opinion, most clergy are not equipped to effectively deal with sexual addiction. However, there are Christian people who specialize in helping those of us who suffer with sexual addiction. Your pastor may be able to help you find that kind of help. Even if there is no one in your local area, telephone counseling is effective and available. I can gladly provide information if you want it.
I hope this has been helpful.
God bless you and your family.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 29th, 2007 03:36 pm |
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Hi Angela,
I was just wondering how it went Friday evening?
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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