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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 09:32 pm |
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Hi everyone.
I have been searching the internet for months trying to find answers to my husbands behavoir. First let me say a few things about my family. I am 29 years old and my husband is 33. We have been married for over 8 years and have 2 small little girls and another girl on the way. Before marriage I found a large collection of porn magazines in my husbands apartment...and he said a friend gave them to him and laughed it off and threw them away. He made them seem a thing in the past and that marriage and commitment with one woman is what he dreamed of. Well, about 1 yr after marriage is when I first started to find porn in my home..hidden. About 1 yr into the marriage He quit wanting to have sex with me...except for once every 2 weeks or so. He blamed it on me walking around the house looking too sexy all the time? Because I did constantly try to look good. I had a 100 lb. body and a great little figure and was a very beautiful girl ( without trying to sound full of myself) still felt a need to try so hard to impress him. I once bought a sexy santa outfit and walked out Christmas eve looking hot and he smiled and said "thats cute" and kept playing his game. Well, hiding porn and promising to quit has went on the entire marriage. After this, I quit innitiating sex and became shy I guess, then now he wants sex every night or every other. A few months ago I found magazines under his truck seat and condoms as well. He admitting to masturbating in his work truck! I am very concerned about this. Although we appear to be the perfect couple, there is and has never been any intimacy between us. For some reason I cant look him in the eye. Our sex life is very uncomfortable...almost feels like sex with a friend or something. I am so lonely on an intimate level. He doesnt understand what the problem is. Can anyone relate to this out there? I dont want to talk with the pastor of our church becasue I dont want it to ruin who he is there. He plays JESUS in the Easter play and is highly respected. He really is a wonderful person other than this issue. He provides for me and his kids. He is kind and loving. He says he knows he has a problem and that masturbating is wrong. But continues to do it behind my back. I have caught him and another girl at the church having a stare down with eachother in an inappropraite way which went on for days...which he denies. A woman knows when something is wrong. SOMETHING IS WRONG> ANY HELP???What should I do?
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 10:45 pm |
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I need to run, but I wanted to welcome you here and to encourage you to keep reading and sharing, both here and elsewhere.
I also wanted to make a pretty obvious remark that we addicts lie a lot, and that we minimize our actions to ourselves and to others, and that it is rare that an initial disclosure is the whole story, and that he doesn't need condoms if all he's doing is masturbating. A realist would say that getting tested for a full suite of STDs would be appropriate.
Also, helping addicts hide is almost never really a good idea, IMHO. It enables the addiction and it sets in motion a family pattern of secrecy and hiding that is part of how addictions propagate down generations. Seeing you feeling you have to keep his secrets is a worry - it's part of how we addicts abuse our families.
Sorry you need to be here. May you do well dealing with a worse situation than anyone should have to face, one that I created in my own marriage, too.
Tim M.
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 11:23 pm |
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| Thanks for the reply. I have questioned the condom thing as well. And I am very concerned. He is uncircumcised and says he also used the condoms as a cover to not get messy... It discusts me to even talk of this. I have been through so much in my life and feel I am deserving of so much more. I dont know the truth and fear I never will. I have 3 little girls tothink of. I will pray GOD will help guide me to do what needs to be done and to follow his ways and not mine. Thanks for the reply. It feels great to have someone hear me for once.
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gaylon
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 01:09 am |
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The ladies will have the best input for you, but I'll make my 2 cents worth: Chances are strong that 1) your h was molested, or exposed to porn as a child, and 2) he's been addicted to sex and been masturbating and probably looking at porn as a way of soothing emotional pain since 12 or 13 years old. So, this is a problem that pre-dated your marriage, and is not going to go away by itself. Let me backtrack a little, and say that I know - I'm 53, and the above describes me quite well. If you don't want to be another 20 or so years down the road, still dealing with this, my opinion is that the best thing you can do would be to take whatever steps are necessary to confront him, bring it into the open in whatever way fits your situation, even if it means embarrassment for him and you, and do what's necessary to protect your and your childrens' emotional and physical health. All in a loving way, of course, guided by the Spirit. Sounds hard? I can only imagine, since I'm not the hurting spouse, but the one who caused the hurt, but I've definitely felt the pain, via my wife's extended and continuing pain. Up to you, but it seems like better now, than 20 years from now... He really doesn't know or understand how this hurts you -- you'll have to let him know, even if it's with "tough love"...
Praying for your family, --- Gaylon V.
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 02:06 am |
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Thanks for the reply/ I actually really appreciate a mans point of view, Actually he admits that his father introduced him to porn magazines as young as 9-10 years old and took him to a strip club. He admits to masturbating ever since. I know he has a sincere side to him...I feel sorry for him in so many ways. Yet at the same time I feel he is deliberately ignoring me and my feelings. I find he has many different sides to him when he is around certain people. He can completely change how he acts to conform who he is around. So I ask myself, do I really know him? I mean, he was masturbating in his truck in our yard and who knows where else. Isnt that creepy? I know if this happens again I will have to leave. I cant keep doing this the rest of my life, I wish I could just know the truth and the extent of this problem. I would never even imagine him actually cheating on me...but like I said, Do I know him? I need to make a decision. I am scared of leaving . I am a stay at home mom of 2 girls and 1 on the way. I dont want to tramatize my little ones. And on my income..theres so many concerns. But if I thought for one second he is a threat to my children I will leave without thought. Should I talk with my pastor alone first or confront my husband again and give him an altimatum? Thanks for any advise.
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TimM
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 02:18 am |
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I hope some of the women here will soon get involved in this thread. They can obviously offer advice relevant to your situation better than fellow perps like gaylon and myself. I don't want to get hung up on the superficial and the disgusting, but I will say that I'm also uncircumcised and that I've never used a condom in masturbation and that I've masturbated a lot.
My apologies for that graphic and impolite introduction. I hope we'll be able to interact in a more dignified and mature way later, but unfortunately what people like your husband and I have done is not very dignified and mature.
There is a lot of room and hope for recovery for your husband if he truly wants to recover more than he wants anything else in life. My life in the 2 years I have been in recovery has been a huge blessing. Unfortunately, until he hits bottom and discovers he needs above all else to get better, there isn't much you can to to urge him on. You can focus on protecting yourself and your daughters, and you're absolutely right that you 4, like everyone, deserve better than this.
Be well.
Tim M.
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 03:37 am |
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| I do appologize for using those words. I know it must be hard to come through something of this nature. I pray my husband will find the answers you all did. Thank you all so much for the advice. It is greatly appreciated. GOD BLESS U ALL.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 03:48 am |
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Hi Angela,
My heart goes out to you. You are in a troubling and difficult situation, one in which it is probably not wise, barring new information, to make any quick decisions. I'm not quite sure from what you have already said, how many times you have already confronted him, and what, if any, concrete steps he has taken to address his addiction. Has he ever seen a counsellor? Has he ever attended any type of addiction recovery program, or had an accountability partner? If not, though he does need to actively participate in his recovery, you might want to have information about counsellors/groups at hand when you speak to him next. The chances of anything changing in isolation are extremely slim. You knowing does not count as an accountability partner or non-isolation. If he refuses to get help, then you will need to know what your plan of action is. Do not threaten things you are not prepared to do, but, as calmly as possible, designate what actions, or lack thereof, will prompt a call to pastor, family, or involve separation. You may wish to differentiate, in order to encourage transparency, between him confessing a fall and you discovering an infraction. Perhaps a bit further down the road, marriage counselling would help address the development of genuine, mutual intimacy.
His chameleon-like tendencies concern me. AS believers, the only one to whose image we are to conform is our Savior. Rom. 8:29. 12:2. 1 Peter 1:14-6. Remind him that Jesus understands our temptations, Heb. 4:15-6. and that God provides opportunity to escape temptation, 1 Cor. 10:13.
There are many resources in the forum of that name, including the site administrator's book at
http://www.roadtograce.com
Do you know whether or not the internet is involved?
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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tallmike00
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 12:28 pm |
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Your husband needs to confess his sin and become a person motivated to change. This change needs to be deeper than just putting off the behavior. He needs a healing of his rotten heart and a renewal of his mind, kind of in line with Romans 12:2 and Ephesians 4:23. There are ministries which can help him be delivered from this sinful habit. Depending upon where you are, Addicts Victorious, in Quincy, Illinois, has a five day intensive counseling available to help him receive deliverance through Jesus Christ Who died and rose again to set captives free and free, indeed. There is also http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com which provides an internet based program to freedom, BUT...he must change his mind about masturbation and begin to view it as it is...self-gratification. I'm speaking from experience here because I, too, had to experience this in my own life. Let there be no doubt, God will sustain one through a time of abstinence from sex.
He might also take into consideration these three principles:
Radical amputation: get rid of any accumulated pornography and get rid of any source of temptation. Use an internet blocker if necessary. Get rid of the VCR/DVD player if it leads to downfall.
Radical appropriation: He may be a Christian and saved but he needs complete repentence and then follow Ephesians 4:22-24 and Romans 12:1-2. Have him pray all or portions of Psalm 51. He should spend more time reading God's word and just stay off the computer or away from the TV. Right now he is feeding the flesh.
Radical accountability: he needs at least three Christian men who don't have this problem in their own lives and to whom he will call without fail every week and report on whether he has looked at pornography, whether he has had sex with anyone other than you including himself, and whether he is lying in giving answers to the questions.
Ultimately, he must truly desire to change internally and not just do without porn for awhile. Ideally he would pray that pornography would become as abhorrent to him as it is to you and to God.
May God be with you both through a process to complete healing.
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 01:46 pm |
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| Thanks to all of you. This issue has been one we have struggled with a long time. We argue and then we speak of it no more until it happens again. I guess after 8 years I have learned that "im sorry it will never happen again" isnt true and that it is going to happen again eventually. He has never spoken to anyone of this problem. He simply promises to change and goes to the alter with me and cries and prays about the problem. I forgive him and put my trust in him and every time..I am let down. He is a quiet relaxed typer person who doesnt get real emotional about too many things. The major thing with us is we have no communication. We live together in a nice quiet environment and play well with our children raising them with the same goals in mind. On the surface everything is great but underneath it is a relationship destined to fail. I feel like I am living with my brother so to speak... Like he doesnt have a clue what an intimate relationship is. He uses me sxually for his gratification and I feel just that 'used" after so called intimate moments. I know his parents are and have always been very distant in ways. They are daily drinkers who have lived the military life for years. In 8 yrs his parents have came to see him maybe 10 times and lives literally 3 minutes down the road. I sometimes wonder if I were to 100% be the wife GOD wants me to be then will that show him the love that he is missing since chilhood and change him. It is so hard to be that wife knowing the circumstances and feeling so alone inside. 11 years ago before I met and married my husband, I was married and had a 4 month old baby boy. I woke up one morning to find my son dead (SIDS) and 2 weeks later my husband left me. That experience left me a complete broken person. 1 year later I met my husband now, explaining to himall the hurt I had and that I experienced a pornography issue with my first husband. He had turned me from a young confident beautiful girl into a girl who saw "not good enough" when I looked into the mirror. I have been almost obsessed with myself ever since, never feeling good enough. My husband took me in his arms knowing he had this problem and assured me he would take care of me. And that I would never have to worry about these things again. For this reason I feel let down x 1000. Why has he done this? Has he no regards to what I have been through? Its like he wants to care, but really he doesnt. If it werent for my girls I would have already left. I want to do what GOD wants me to do. I find myself having dreams everynight about another man. Not sexual, hes just a really big man holding me in his arms. I guess it reflects what I dont have with my own husband. I am happier than ever now because I feel like I have rebuilt my family. I have 3 little girls and (3rd on the way) and I know GOD has blessed me so much with my home and family. But this silent problem is eating me alive and I just want things to be the way they are going to be. I honestly know I will leave him if this happens again. I cant do this again. And obviously it will happen again. So I feel like I am waiting on a bomb to go off and my entire life be changed once again. Im scared. I fear for my girls what kind of life I will be giving them if I stay or if I leave. Thats why I want to make a decision and deal with it now. I cant wait for bad things to happen to me anymore. Id rather it just happen so that I am in some sort of control of my life. I dont want to live in fear. And what happens when I leave my husband? My kids will still have to go to him. What if this problem is deeper than I know. I cant put them in this situation alone without me. I trust him in that way but i dont know what to trust anymore. Im just desperate for peace and understanding and assurance.
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 01:54 pm |
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| As far as I know the only issue he has is pornography magazines. I have found a porn movie he said a friend gave him one time, several years ago, , i destroyed it and never found any again. he did video tape an encounter with me once without my consent. I found it on my video camera later. I deleted it and said nothing about it. Its like I cant even speak anymore. Im too tired and I know it will get me nowhere. But I know it is time to talk and get things right. Thanks for the prayers.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 02:33 pm |
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Hi Angela,
You have been through so much pain! Did you have anyone to lend an ear through the grieving process for your precious son and first marriage? We, too, lost a son, stillborn. If you'd like to read more about that...
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=716&forum_id=10&jump_to=5111#p5111
Please do not just fatalistically wait for the bomb to go off. You can be proactive in urging your husband toward recovery. It sounds like he at least acknowledges his behavior as sin. That is a good starting point. He cannot, however, change by sheer willpower, though that is what most men think they can do, and would rather try to do. I think that you are probably on the right track about pain/distance with his parents. If I am understanding correctly, they are not interacting with their wonderful little granddaughters either? Head in the sand, silence, isolation, are not going to help this problem. Anger will not resolve it either. That is why you need to set aside a time to talk when a new, raw incident has not just been found. Remind him that God has a beautiful plan for joyful marriage, and that the two of you will never attain it if he is not willing to work with you to make it happen. You must draw boundaries. Insist that he has to see a counsellor, pastor, or attend a recovery group. He should also do a lot of reading of christian authors on the topic. You need to explain to him that you are documenting these incidents, and that if you do end up having to leave, you will introduce the documentation in regard to requiring that visitation be supervised. Yes, God is powerful, and this addiction is next to impossible to beat without Him, but a few tears and prayers at an altar aren't going to do it. God has provided resources from the research and experience of others in order to help your H, and he must avail himself of them. Only then, probably with pastoral/marriage counselling, can you begin to build/rebuild intimacy in your marriage from the ground up. You might be able to make some headway with good, biblically based books on growing a healthy marriage, but a live, outside perspective is most likely what's needed. This is not your fault. You could be the most Scripturally perfect wife in the world, and he could still have this problem, because you did not cause it, and you cannot fix it. Yes, loving support should he choose to get serious about recovery will help him. You are God's beautiful daughter, and your heavenly Father is holding you in his loving arms. I send my hugs as well.
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 05:36 pm |
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Angelaeyes,
I am so sorry you are here. Please know that you are not alone and that you will find support and resource's here 
I think one of the reasons many women/partners of addicts do not respond at first is we feel so much pain, sadness and helplessness that another person is here in pain and confusion due to another addicts behaviour. I cannot speak for everyone but I know this is how I feel.
I want to first say how very sorry I am about your son. I as a mom know how precious to us our babies/children are and how devastating of a loss this would be. I wonder about the support and counseling ( if any) you received. The grief you must feel is not measurable and I am sure this even today affects your life and the choices you make. Are you in touch with other moms of SIDS babies or have any support/connections in regards to this issue ?
I am so glad you have your daughters. Children are here to remind us all of what is good , pure and right with the world. hugs and kisses to them from all the moms here
the following is just my 2 cents .....
First of Please please please know this has nothing to do with you ... it has nothing to do with how desirable or beautiful you are or how much you weigh. It has nothing to do with how much sex or love you give or don't give. It would have happened to whom ever he was with. You did not cause it and you cannot cure it. You are an innocent victim who's only caught in this web because of your partners addiction and issues. celebrities like Hallie Berry and Pamela Anderson had ex husbands who were unfaithful and cited porn and strip clubs and infidelity as problems in their marriages
This is his problem and for him to fix not you , it is his deficiency and his emotional holes. He see's nothing attractive or beautiful or desirable about porn ,in fact he does not see them at all. He uses the images because they are graphic ,obscene and therefore titillating so they work as his drug to fill his emptiness,to help him escape. Porn is a poor substitute for real feelings, intimacy and connection but at this point it is all he knows because of how he learned at a young impressionable age to soothe himself with images and fantasy.The women in porn are objects and body parts nothing more. The is nothing sexy,sensual or sexual about pornography.
Second You need to care for yourself and caring for yourself will be caring for your young daughters and child on the way. You are vital and very important to your children .3 little people who need you to be healthy and strong. Please put your children ahead of him. You will find understanding and support here at BLAZING GRACE and many valuable resource's...there is help if you need both online and off. You are not alone and there are people who have walked this path before you.
Thirdly All of his porn habits and behaviours must stop NOW. he must accept he needs help and go into recovery. It is abusive of him to you to engage in any porn or sexually inappropriate behaviours. What he is doing is unfaithful behaviour and he is breaking the vows he made to you and to GOD. He is putting you and your family in jeopardy and you must protect yourself and you daughters. Addicts will lie , scheme ,minimize and defend. The behaviours will only escalate and get worse ..and he will crash .....it is just a matter of time. If he refuses to stop and go into recovery you may need to ask him to leave or you may need to. I know this is difficult and painful and for financial reasons may seem impossible. The truth is though there is no price tag on feeling safe. Your emotional health is NOT safe as long as you are forced or allow your family to live this way. This will be a difficult road , no one wants to leave someone they love. It is hard to make decisions like this so I urge you to discuss it with someone you trust and who can be a support.
If your husband should choose to get help ,then the road may become more clear but will be difficult all the same. I would hope he begins to attend S.A meetings immediately
http://www.sa.org/
http://www.sexhelp.com/
http://www.sexaddict.com/ and continue in a journey of emotional health
I understand completely how you feel about his behaviours. It is devastating to love someone who you feel disgusted and repulsed by. I am sure addicts do not realize how hard it is to remain intimate and close to someone you feel so violated by and whom has seen the things they have seen. We become our own worst enemy when we obsess about all of the things he has done and seen....it is a brutal thing to deal with.
I think at this point to much advice and information will be overwhelming,I urge you to take it slow and start with his acceptance of his problem if that can happen. When he begins getting help the next steps will follow...there will be help advice and people to giude you and help set boundries and expectations.
Self care for you at this point is critical
I hope you are able find things here helpful and begin to feel empowered. Feel free to message me or anyone here you may feel you want to connect with or ask anything you are not comfortable asking in the forums.
Take care of yourself and try to find some peacefulness and solace within
DIVA
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 08:05 pm |
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| Thank you all so much for the advise and the comfort you have already given to me. I have already found the courage and the strength I need to at least confront this situation with more confidence of knowing that it is not ok for him to do this and that I am not an over reacting insecure wife for complaining about it. I needed someone to confirm that this behavoir is not acceptable. I think there has been times that I actually started to believe that maybe its not that bad of a thing and maybe all men do this to some point. As for me, I have not received counceling. My way of dealing with my loss was to block it out because I couldnt stand the pain that I felt just to think of it. I cried for 3 months straight after my son passed and one day I could feel myself leaving this world and I sat up and its like something in me snapped. There were ambulance staff all around me on my couch and at that point I realized that I had to make a decision to let this killl me or to get up and live. I chose to live and from that day on i never cried again for any reason for probably over 5 years. My husband has seen me cry maybe 3 times in 8 years. I dont like for anyone to see me cry. I have prayed and studied many different books and with GODs help I have found myself healing inside, but I know I need help as well. I find myself at my sons grave every time something goes wrong in my life. Thats the place I go to cry and get my feelings out and then I get it together, put on my face and go home like nothing happened. I have become numb I guess. I have had to be on guard since I married him because of what he has done to me. At first I was full of communication and vulnerable and open to life and the pains and good times that go with any relationship. But I had no idea that this was what was in store. Each time he does this to me its like someone is putting another stone on top of the pile and its all on top of me. I am ready now to let this all go. I think at times I have never felt good enough for him and that has caused me to be silent in some ways. He was Mr. popular, nice looking, hard worker, all the girls wanted him. I found myself feeling not good enough due to the decisions I made of getting pregnant at an early age (not married) and then my 1st husband leaving me. I have always felt that it was me not good enough for him, thats maybe why he was doing these things. All of this has caused me to not be able to truly forgive myself for my own sins in life and satan has used this in my ear everytime my husband does this. I am tired of being down and so self concious. I am so ready to just let go and be set free from my own demons and his as well, no matter what the outcome. If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that no matter what happens I will survive and GOD will not forsake me. I just want to do the absolute best thing I can for my daughters. I have a love for them that is completely indescribable. I would die today for them and I dont want to break their little hearts by taking their daddy away from them. He is an awesome dad and they think he hung the moon. They would never understand. My girls are only 4 and 2. I will always put them before me. I am going to give my husband the chance to seek help through our pastor...I will do this tonight. I am ready to say what I need to say. I pray this goes well. Thank you all for your prayers and I hope you all know what a blessing you have already been for me. I really needed this. This is not something that is easy to talk with friends and family about. i dont want them to judge us or look down on my husband. Thank you all for being here and participating in this site. GOD bless you for your service to his people.
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 08:50 pm |
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Every woman posing ,acting or engaging in PORNOGRAPHY was someone's little girl
Tell your husband that..........
be strong , your gonna be fine
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justme
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 09:19 pm |
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Hello Angelaseyes,
I am one of those women who found out her husband was a sex addict, so I know the pain and fear you're feeling. I'll be praying for you because I know how hard this is.
My situation was that I found porn on our computer and confronted my husband about it. He denied it at first and then admitted the truth when I told him I had proof. For several weeks, we dealt only with the porn until I confronted him and asked him to come clean about everything he had been involved in. He admitted, over the course of several weeks, that he had had a string of affairs throughout our marriage. Like you, I couldn't imagine my husband doing something like that, but I saw quite a few "red flags" over the years. One of the things I saw several times was one of those "stare downs" you mentioned seeing with your husband and another woman. He, of course always had a lie to cover up any suspicious behavior like that. Like several people have already said, sex addicts lie.
I really admire your commitment to your family and I understand it since I have children, too. I also understand what you're saying about your husband being a great daddy and how you don't want to take him away from them. One bit of advice I want to give you is to ask God to help you come out of denial about some of the things you're seeing and maybe not wanting to acknowledge because they would be too painful. I know I was in denial about my husband. I saw him looking lustfully at other women for years and didn't see the truth. It is not uncommon for a sex addict to lead a double--to be a church-going Bible toting guy who is also involved in porn and possibly physical sex with other women.
I know that the porn is very painful for you--it was for me and God sees it as a form of adultery, so of course you're suffering from it. I pray your husband isn't also involved in physical affairs, but the fact that he has condoms in his truck looks extremely suspicious to me. Like someone else said--he wouldn't need those for masturbating, no matter what excuse he's giving you.
I hope your pastor has some experience in dealing with sexual addiction. If he doesn't, he might not have a clue about how to counsel you. Personally, this website has helped me so much. Is there a Celebrate Recovery group at your church? That is something that also helped me and my husband a lot.
I want to say that there is hope for your situation, but your husband has to "get real" and admit he has a big problem and get some help.
Hope this helps.
--Just me
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 09:42 pm |
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| At first he denied even having the condoms and had no idea how they had got there, then he admitted to using them while masturbating because he was in his truck in our yard and wanted to keep it clean. I dont know what to think. To hear you repeat it to me it sounds obvious. Im not going to deny the obvious. I honestly cant imagine him actually having an affair, but I couldnt imagine him doing alot of things he has done. I really dont think he would ever admit to cheating if he has. How will I ever know the truth. I dont know how to solve this. I dont want to waiste any more years. I just need to know the truth. Any advice on how to obtain the truth from him????? Were the stares that he denies having with the woman at church GODS way of revealing to me the truth? I havent found a person yet that believes for one second that he could have been using the condoms for his own reasons as stated. So, does that mean the obvious? I dont want to be blind. So please all who respond be up front and brutally honest with me. I need to know the truth!
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 09:44 pm |
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| There is no recovery program at my church. I am from Jacksonville, Alabama. If anyone knows of any help in my area or how I can find the closest solution.
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gaylon
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 10:45 pm |
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"...I havent found a person yet that believes for one second that he could have been using the condoms for his own reasons as stated...."
Not that it makes any real difference, but, just for possibilities sake, I have used condoms for that purpose, gross as it sounds. So much that I've done that I can't see any use in repeating here, "under the influence" of the drive for relief and a greater "high"... And, I can pretty much promise you, your husband has absolutely no understanding of what feelings you're having, or of what it means to have the intimacy in marriage that you want. Those two things are coming for me only after extensive admissions from myself to my wife, and extensive talking and counseling. The sexual abuse and behaviors have blocked my development in those areas, since childhood, and it's a long row to hoe to even begin developing "normal" emotional responses and intimacy. It's still a painful process for me, after a year + working on recovery. I'm just today coming up out of a depression I've had for 4 days, and not known how to handle, and the strong draw has been to go back to what I know - p & m... But, on the whole, it's been worth it, and our spiritual and emotional intimacy is slowly growing, and the "baby steps" add up, and I'm extremely greatful to my wife for her abiding love, patience, and long-suffering. The same and better is possible for you and your husband, I'm sure...
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BrokenDiva
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 11:14 pm |
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angelaeyes
if there is no support in your area ,do what you can online and maybe even use phone counseling. I don't know what to say about the condoms and after what Gaylon wrote maybe thats all there is to it....but at this point Porn is causing you great pain and stress so start with that.... many men once in recovery or after an initial meeting or connection with a counselor or fellow addict in recovery choose to come clean with their spouse.
I as far as I know never had my partner act out in real life , but I can tell you that even now almost 3 yrs later the things he did do ( cyber sex webcam sex and phone sex) make me physically ill. I to this day even though he is in recovery have a hard time believing he was really capable of doing those things with those people. The behaviour is so beyond what I can understand.so I try to let it go and not obsess or feel pain...3 yrs later that often feels like trying to nail jello to a tree 
betrayal is betrayal......
I hope you fine some peace with all this.....writing and reading helps
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