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Billyeah
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 05:21 pm |
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So yeah, there is a blessing and a curse all at once. I really think that my wifes lack of sexual desire, is chastisement from the Lord. This might seem wierd, but I have had sex once in the last 7 weeks. This is extremely hard for me. I think that God wants me to attain a higher level of purity so that he can use me for something, and using my wife, he is taking me through what has to be the hardest thing I have ever faced, as sort of a way of refining me. But boy it is tough...
Imagine you have the most beautiful woman in the world lying next to you, but you can't touch her. AArrgghhh! It is really really hard. I honestly think she isn't even aware of it.
We talk about it, but she goes into this "oh I am such a bad wife" routine trying to make me feel guilty for even bringing it up, so I don't even try anymore. She says she wants to satisfy me, but she doesn't actually do anything to try to figure out why she has such a low libido. Another reason why I think it has to be from God....Why wouldn't she even try? If she really loved me like she says she does.
Before you get on my back about being a more romantic husband, know that I do the dishes pretty much every day, I take her out to dinner, I help around the house, I tell her I love her every day (several times a day) I hug her, kiss her, and buy her presents out of the blue. She often says she is so thankful to have a husband as loving as I am. I don't say this to toot my own horn, just to clear up that I am not some deadbeat husband who wants to nail his wife, turn over and go to bed.
So.....any thoughts? Suggestions? anything I can do to make this easier? Prayers would be nice.....
Thanks
Bill
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 10:36 pm |
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Hmmm... From a woman's point of view...
I suggest you encourage your wife to talk to an older spiritually mature woman in your church who has had children. Encourage her to meet with this woman for spiritual encouragement and to help her prepare for motherhood. You didn't say if this is your first baby.
It's likely that as they meet, this subject will come up. After a few meetings, if it hasn't come up, then ask your wife to ask about it. Your wfe is going through all kinds of changes physically and hormonally. And life is never going to be quite the same again. So, there will be all kinds of adjustments for both of you.
Just know, that there is no miracle in the world that compares to experiencing the birth of a new baby! But like anything worthwhile, it doesn't mean it's easy!
Continue to thank the Lord and praise God for this new life! It is so awesome!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Billyeah
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 11:36 pm |
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She won't! She would never talk to anyone about her sex life. She says it's non of their business. I told her to talk to her older sister who has had a child, but not a chance! "How embarrasing!"
So I don't know what to do. Maybe wait it out. God will give me strenth.......maybe he is teaching me something.....
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 11:45 pm |
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From a man's view --- "tough one"... Something I've done before (even recently) is just ask my wife if she can help me out, that it would mean a lot to me, and to be with her that way would help ease the pain of a particularily tough day of recovery for me. I don't push it at all, but just ask, usually after I've prayed to God to know whether it's the right thing for me to do at that time, and asked Him to soften her heart toward me in that regard. Most often she's willing to be with me, even though she's not feeling especially turned on herself... Sometimes there are health or emotional or feminine issues she's experiencing that just make it a "no-go", so I say "ok" and let it go...
Saying a prayer for the both of you...
--- Gaylon V.
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Billyeah
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 12:16 am |
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I have trouble with asking her to help "relieve me" so to speak. I don't want her to ever get the impression it's just about me "getting off". I fear then she will feel objectified.
I want an emotional level to it, I want a connection. I don't want it to be just about me. But then if she doesn't want it, then I don't get it.....
Boy I have a headache. Do you think they could be related
Thanks for your comments, they are appreciated
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Suzi
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 04:36 am |
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Billy,
So..... your wife is uncomfortable talking about sex with women?
There is a very good book out by Linda Dillow... called "Intimate Issues" that deals with a lot problems we women go through in our adjustment to sexual issues in marriage. She deals with a lot of hangups, past hurts, and IMHO it's one of the best books that there is out there for women.
Ask her to look it up on Amazon or some other website and offer to get it for her. Make sure she looks at the table of contents... that way she will see it covers a lot of areas and won't just be aimed right at HER!
Encourage her to get it since she may have friends or younger women who may someday come to HER for advise!
Also, as a side note... SINCE you are concerned about it sounding selfish for you to ask your wife to help you when she isn't really in the mood, I bet you will be sensitive to HER and you are NOT necessarily being selfish! I Cor 7 is in the Bible, you know! Pray hard about this, and when you really need to, put your pride aside and ask her. Use good judgment about the timing and certanly don't make it a "payoff"... well, I did this for you so you owe me... But from what you are posting I don't get that attitude from you. I bet if you approached this humbly and lovingly, you two can work something out.
Hope this helps.
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 03:49 pm |
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Hi Bill,
First of all, congratulations!
Now to the tough stuff. Are you able to discern whether this is more physical or emotional in nature? As Suzi said, pregnancy hormones can do strange things. Physical can include nausea, tender breasts, and plain and simple exhaustion. If not a sister/friend, how about her doctor? If it is the physical changes of early pregnancy, things might resolve on their own after about the first three months. If it is not physically uncomfortable for her, would she consider foreplay techniques that might result in "the mood?"
Yes, it is possible that you are being spiritually tested, and I pray that the enemy gains no foothold during this time. Also, this prepares you somewhat for the postpartum time.
Personally, as a young wife, I enjoyed our time when I was pregnant, because there was no hassle of birth control.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 08:07 pm |
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| Billy, you didn't say if you have other children? It isn't uncommon for women with first pregnancies (and who don't communicate "delicate" issues well) to be worried that intercourse could harm the baby. Just a thought ...
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Billyeah
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 05:14 pm |
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Yeah this is our first child. We have talked about her fear of losing the baby, and I respect that. But we can do other stuff to show our love for eachother. I will try to help her in that department.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 8th, 2007 08:30 pm |
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Hi Bill,
I do not mean to minimize any concerns about miscarriage, but unless she has medical reason to believe that she is prone to it, ordinary love-making is not going to end a viable pregnancy. She really should discuss this with her doctor.
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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Hawkeye
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 06:46 am |
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Bill,
I can COMPLETELY relate to what you're saying. Just as an example, I too do all that you stated that you do in your initial post. I don't do it for sex, I do it because I love her, and I believe that is all that a loving, caring husband should do for his wife.
Some details about my situation...My wife is pregnant with our second child. Her first trimester was a nightmare, as it was with our first child...a LOT of morning sickness, or should I say "all day" sickness. Life was absolutely miserable for her, and praise God that she's finally through that and on to the second tri-mester. Making love was miserable as well, because every odor was magnified 10-fold. No matter how much I scrubbed and gargled mouthwash,it didn't make it go away. Needless to say, romance didn't happen very often in those first 2 months.
My question is this. Since the birth of our first child, a daughter, born a little more than 2 years ago, her desire for romance of ANY sort has been next to nil. I understand that with the birth of a girl, it takes longer for a mothers hormones to settle back to normal than that of a son, about 4 months. With my wife, I don't think they ever did. I can count on one hand the times that she actually wanted me, and not with me initiating.
Am I expecting too much from my wife? I don't like to just have sex, I want to make love. I want to love my wife for not just her body, but for the person that she is, but all that she wants to do is get it over with. I've tried everything from setting the mood to letting her know several days in advance of my desire, and nothing will get her in the mood.
What has me writting on this forum is that we've had several discussions in the last few days about this issue. Everyone, even her, expected the second tri-mester to be the period of passion. Not so, or at least not yet anyway. It was this way to some extent with her first pregnancy, but nothing like this one. It's been three weeks since the end of her first tri-mester. Am I expecting too much?
Second, the issue is this. I feel, as I've felt for the last 2 years, that every time I start some sort of casual, very relaxed kissing or touching during the day, it is IMMEDIATLY regarded as wanting sex. It used to be that we would just play around and sometimes lead to love, and othertimes just be fooling around. I feel like I'm imposing on her private space every time I kiss my wife anywhere other than on her cheek.
Third, during our argument this evening, she expressed her extreme displeasure on a statement I had made several days before, of how if she still had no libido after the birth of our second child, that perhaps she might consider going to see a specialist that might know more about hormonal issues after pregancy. She feels that I'm trying to fix something that isn't there to fix, and that maybe I need to accept that she'll be this way for the rest of our marriage. Is this really true?
My wife sounds very much the same as bill's. She is VERY opposed to talking to someone about her/our sexual relationship. She feels like there isn't an issue here. I than express that I feel like I'm failing somewhere, like I'm not meeting a need that she has. She said this evening that she doesn't have a needin the first place, and if we never made love for 6 months she'd never know the time gone by.
Someone please help me! Tell me, is this how it works? Is God too chastising me for my years of addiction? Praise God I am on the road to redemption, but could God be chastising me for my years of impure thoughts and actions? Even through those years, I have NEVER asked or wanted my wife to perform or do anything that wasn't pure in the marriage bed, and I don't think that she doens't want to because of how we make love. All this to say, the one time that I'm trying to come clean physically is the one time that I'm having the most trouble in this area. Naturally, I'm being tempted like nothing else, and it helps so much to have a natural God-given drive satisfied on occasion.
Am I asking way to much? Is sex now meant to only have children from this point in my marriage on? On the other hand, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law make love like rabbits, and they have 4 children with one on the way. He demands it every other day. We know that this isn't normal, especially since her sister doesn't like to do it that often anyhow. My wife and I laugh at this, because before her pregnancy our average was once every 4 days...Now it's once every 10 I've made it a point throughout our marriage to NOT force myself on my wife. If she doesn't want to do it, than I roll over.
The problem is, she doesn't understand what and how I as a man operate, and the struggles I go through every day, the women I avoid looking at, just so I can come home to take pleasure in my wife. To not have my affection returned at least ONCE in a while, is very hard for me right now. She says that she'll fake it if she has to, but it won't be real. Now boy, aren't those words to make love flow.
Do I need to find other outlets for this that are God-given? If so, what are they?!?
As a side note, my wife has never said no to me when I've asked, but how many men enjoy making love to a wife that doesn't love you at that moment in return. What satisfaction is that?
Am I just a selfish spoiled husband that needs to humble himself and resign himself to a differant love life than expected? PLEASE help, I have no idea what to do.
Comments, questions, criticisms are appreciated.
Last edited on Sat Mar 17th, 2007 06:53 am by Hawkeye
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Billyeah
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 08:48 pm |
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Wow it is amazing how much your wife and mine are the same! Maybe we should get them to go for coffee some time, it sounds like they could be good friends!
I personally don't think we are asking for too much. But then again of course I wouldn't.
My wife has said, and I quote "I could go my whole life without ever having sex" *sigh* I would never notice.
So she doesn't exactly have the strongest sex drive. She loves me, and wants me to be happy, but she hate making love because it's so hard for her to get into the mood and stay in it. We could be totally into it, and all of a sudden she will be thinking about what she is going to make for supper the next day! She doesn't do it on purpose, it's just the way she is.
I can't wait for the days when we will look back and laugh at how we used to be.....I hope those days come soon.
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Hawkeye
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 01:51 am |
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A HEARTY amen to your last Bill! Yes, I think your wife and mine would get along quite well. :-\ *grin* It too is my hope that this too shall pass. I've seen God answer prayers that I thought could never be answered, and sure enough he did, so I know that he is faithful. I intend to pray every day about this, weither it be for God to reveal his plan through it all or for Him to adjust anything hormonally in my wife, or maybe both, until God works it out. I know that He is faithful, it's just up to me to be patient through it all.
Hang in there.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 10:06 am |
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I am out on a limb, preparing to take a plunge in to waters of transparency with fear and trembling.
HawkEye, reading your first post in this thread was like reading a page out of the history of our marriage.
Beware that I will be making some generalizations that, of course, will not apply to every situation. Furthermore, if both spouses are not committed to the principles of biblical marriage as expressed in Eph. 5, 1 Cor. 13 and 7, (notice that I put the love chapter before the sex chapter,) this may prove of very little help. Also, there are probably many books out there that address the matter more thoroughly than I am here, as well as more expertly and based on research.
First, let me make two things abundantly clear: 1. Addicts: DO NOT EVER USE WHAT i AM ABOUT TO SAY AS AMUNITION AGAINST YOUR SPOUSE. Even if this fits your spouse to a tee, your struggle as an addict is separate, and you must own it and deal with it, whether or not your spouse changes. Yes, you can share it with your spouse, but unless the Holy Spirit is at work in her/his heart, don't expect it to make a difference, especially considering that it is, after all, just one woman's experience and understandings. 2. Spouses: DO NOT EVER ACCEPT BLAME FOR YOUR SPOUSE'S ADDICTION. Even if you struggle with responsiveness, that does not give a spouse license to be emotionally or physically unfaithful.
This is my tender heart. Please handle with care, as all generally do here.
When I was fifteen, my parents, (unbelievers,) separated. As is not uncommon in such situations, my mom shared with me, the youngest and only girl at home, more than she probably should have. My father had pornographic books and magazines which, if I understand correctly, he did not even hide from her. She shared how she felt compared to those images, and how he expected her to wear lingerie as they did. Being a starry-eyed teenager, I had no idea how deeply that perception had affected me until I got married. My H's family, (somewhat church-going, though questionable as to belief,) had had a very liberal/casual attitude about porn/sex, and had gotten my H his own subscription to Playboy at twelve or thirteen. My H having come to know the lord while we were dating, we disposed of the collection and figured that was the end of it, not realizing how our pasts would haunt our future. Our first Valentine's Day, living with his parents at the time, he and his mom presented their gifts together, one or both, I don't remember which now, being lingerie. I flushed in imbarrassed mortification, and burst in to hurt and angry tears, aghast that they thought me to be "that type of girl." It was probably the first time that the possibility crossed my mind that my H was "just like every other man." Couples who are struggling with intimacy issues need to consider what preconceptions each has brought to the bedroom, and be careful to exclude other's negative influences.
A couple of years down the road, my H ended up in a job for about 7 months that involved very long hours and a lengthy commute. Yes, he was tired, but never TOO tired... It took me a while, and many painful arguments, to realize that he was no more interested than he ever had been, but that, due to having less time together, sex had suddenly begun to claim a much higher percentage of the time we did have, making it seem like he was wanting more. Combine that with the diminished time we had for my female communication and cuddling needs... So couples need to be aware of time, which can be very difficult to control, and try to make sure there is enough time for both their needs.
My next lesson came after adding a couple of children, and moving a couple of hours away from family. He was working nights. I would awaken him in time to tell the kids goodnight, he would get ready for work, and would not return until the young children were already awake. Obvious problem, especially on a budget. Hire sitters and go out/away. Trade off kids with another couple. Find substitute extended family at church. Do whatever it takes to have enough time for both of your needs. (Hum, did I say that before?) :-)
Even with these realizations under our belts, we continued to struggle. I see many advantages to men and women being different, but sometimes I think God may have overdone it, or, more likely, the fall warped those differences in to potential for conflict. Why do the drives differ? Why does stress tend to increase men's needs, but decrease women's needs? Between the emotional and physical drain of young children, and ongoing time pressures, we got in to a vicious cycle of my disinterest and his frustration. My mind-set was that faking was lying, and I would never lie to him. Yes, there were a couple of times that I acquiesced, but was completely non-participatory, which, needless to say, was worse than saying no. I felt like a cornered animal. His turning away from me when I declined reinforced my perception that that was all he wanted with me. Most affection seemed suspect as an attempt at seduction. I would rather have fallen asleep over a book on the couch than face the ever-impending question "maybe tonight?" Ironically, when every circumstance was just so, I would enjoy our time and think, "perhaps I should do this more often." Unfortunately it took the porn discovery to break this cycle.
I have to say that God's timing was amazing, as usual. I found it the day before leaving to visit family for two weeks. His denial was extremely short-lived, and, amazingly, he never tried to blame me. My anguish broke his heart. Getting on that plane the next day was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but perfect for God's working. It completely removed all pressure of "maybe tonight?" It gave us each time apart to pray and think, and time to talk by phone to begin to explore how we had gotten to that point. My most fervent prayer was not for my H to be free from porn, but that I would have a renewed physical desire for him. Praise God, that answer was a resounding "yes!" By the time I returned, I had no reservations about being intimate. Once home, I began to research and reflect even more. Unfortunately, I have not been able to locate the article again, but it was addressing the genders' differing perceptions of, and needs for, sex. I quote as best as I recall: "When she says "I don't want sex", she means "I don't want sex". When she says "I don't want sex", he hears "I don't want you"." The tears began to flow. It was my turn to be broken-hearted at the pain I had caused my beloved. Never in a million years would I have said that, or thought it, yet my rejection of him physically had proclaimed it hundreds of times! The article also pointed out that while a woman's body cycles through ovulation and menstruation without regard to sexual activity, semen is in constant production and is only cycled by ejaculation, consciously or through nocturnal emitions. Though these are very basic biological facts, I finally grasped that men's need is legitimately physical, not just brought on by a "one track mind." Yes, unfortunately, it is possible for a wife who dearly loves her husband, and feels loved by him, to be completely oblivious to the physical and psychological role that love-making plays for him. While there can be physical factors that can inhibit a woman's interest/satisfaction, (and don't forget all those external life and time pressures,) it may be as likely that a change in heart and spirit is necessary. Prayer is definitely recommended!
"Fixing" the sex/intimacy gap, providing that there is no prior issues/trauma with which to deal, requires both husband and wife to be completely yielded to God's Word. It is my experience that obedience to His Word brings incredible joy, not drudgery and misery. It starts in Genesis 2:24 when God established that "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." This is reiterated by Jesus in Matt. 19 and Mark 10, and by Paul in 1 Cor. 6 and Eph. 5. It does not simply say that they will become one household, or be joined in order to be fruitful and multiply. It does not say to be one flesh only during a honeymoon period, until the newness wears off and life pressures push it to the back burner. 1 Cor. 7:5 does not say "Do not deprive each other except by not being awake in the same bed at the same time." For years I kidded myself that I was not depriving my H because when I chose not to avoid him, I didn't say no.
In Eph. 5, Paul puts in to words, as best he can, the mystery of the paralel between human marriage and our union with Christ. When husbands love their wives as Christ loves the church, with 1 Cor. 13:4-7 love, and wives return the respect due such selfless love, 1 Cor. 7:3-5 is a natural outcome. Most often it seems to be the wife depriving/defrauding (pick your version) the husband, but I have known cases that went the other way. While it is only the believer that can withdraw from union with God, through sin and/or lack of meaningful communication, either or both spouses can disrupt marital union in the same way. Note that the list associated with love in 1 Cor. 13 says absolutely nothing about warm fuzzy feelings, but rather speaks of choices in behavior. Likewise, being, or not being, one flesh is also a choice. Sure, there is a physical process that involves certain necessary physical responses, but I have learned that I do not have to feel passionate in order to behave genuinely lovingly. Do I feel sexual at all times? No. Do I love my husband at all times? Yes. If I "just want to be held," does it really matter so much if there is one additional point of contact in the embrace? No. It did take some time and reinforcement of my genuine joy and emotional satisfaction for my husband to accept that physical fulfillment was not always required for my emotional fulfillment, and not feel like he was repeating the physically and emotionally absent experience. Gaylon, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this is along the line of what you were saying when you said, "Most
often she's willing to be with me, even though she's not feeling especially turned on herself..." Yes, there are times when the husband suppressing his desire is the most loving option, but it is probably just as often when the most loving thing for the wife to do is respond to his desire, perhaps not passionately, but with joy. Is excessive demand (and don't ask me to define that) really any more selfish than ongoing deprivation? I see them, now, after years of an unnecessary tug-of-war, as being equally selfish. How often do our husbands do something that they know will put a smile on our face, for no other reason than the pure joy of having made us happy? Can we not, then, make love, or be made love to, as a joyful gift of happiness to our husband? At risk of repeating myself, this perfect world scenario is only possible if the marriage is otherwise well tended. When I have chosen to respond to my husband's desire with love, albeit not passion, I have felt beautiful and cherished, never objectified.
We have found that the self-discipline of adhering to a mutual and not too late bedtime has helped immensely. Not only does it keep my husband from feeling (or being) avoided, but I think just knowing that anything is possible, barring one or both of us being exhausted, makes us both feel more content and secure in our love.
I wish that I could spare you gentlemen your current struggles, but the Holy Spirit is your best hope for you and your wives not to miss years of joy as my husband and I did. I am praying with you.
TruthSeeker
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Suzi
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 05:31 pm |
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Truthseeker,
That is one of the most amazing posts I have ever read!!!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! Your transparency and willingness to open the door of understanding in this situation is a gift.
My heart, too, went out to these men and their wives. In my opinion, sex is a GIFT FROM GOD! And not a chore. The differences in men and women are God-ordained. But like you, (!) sometimes I have questioned God's wisdom (and I hope nobody thinks I am a heretic because of that... just being honest here!)
I am continually amazed as I have become more and more aware of how "unequal" so many marriages are. Yet, God has ordained us to be ONE FLESH. I am sure God wants us to bless one another and love one another.
Knowing it is one thing... Living it takes a total consecration of our mind, will, body, and spirit to God.
Again, all I can say is "WOW"! What an awesome post!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Hawkeye
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 06:23 pm |
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Hi Truthseeker,
Thank you SOO very much for your post. It is an encouragement and a relief to hear life examples and answers to this issue. I think that all I can do now is seek God for what steps to take and how to pray for me and my wife. Your description of how God intended marriage and the marriage bed really opened my eyes. Also, I had no idea that semen never cycles, but only cycles through release. Is there any medical sites that you know of that back this up? I always just assumed that my ever increasing drives after several days was not normal. This sheds new light on the verse that states that God gave us a helpmeet to help us avoid temptations and fleshly lusts(major paraphrase).
Any ideas on how or if I should share your post with my wife? Perhaps it is all about timing and prayer. I know that she would be receptive, but it has to be at a time when she won't think that I'm throwing this on her to force her to fake it. That was another VERY helpful and true statement that you wrote earlier. It truely is worse for her to "fake it" with me than if she had just said no. Also, I too feel like if she says that she doesn't want sex that she doesn't want/need me. This is an especially hard pill to swallow, and probably the one that causes me the most hurt.
Thank you again. I pray that God will give me wisdom as we work to find an answer to these issues.
Last edited on Sun Mar 18th, 2007 06:24 pm by Hawkeye
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Diane
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 07:45 pm |
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Truthseeker, No need to worry... this has been one of the most well balanced posts I have seen. It comes from a heart that has earnestly sought the Lord for understanding and wisdom and He most certainly has granted it. A marriage is made up of two becoming one... and I believe the Lord, in His wisdom, allows the differences to teach us both, as men and women... to "love" unselfishly...
Hawkeye and Billyeah, my heart goes out to both of you... I hear two hearts that are sincerely seeking answers and balance... I'm left to wonder why your wives are so hesitant to confide in someone in such personal issues... I can understand if there is trauma, abuse or neglect in their backgrounds... leaving them with an inability to really "trust"... I wonder what is back there??
I believe as wives we do have a responsibility to love unselfishly, to help meet the needs of our spouses as well as expecting and desiring our needs to be met... Personnally I've learned that in "giving" in an unselfish, loving and Godly way... and Truthseeker is so right in saying even if I don't necessarily feel passionate at the moment doesn't mean I'm not loving my husband... I am loving him and I am always willing to give and he knows that...
But I have to confess most of my "willingness" has been because, I myself have struggled with sexual addiction and not my husband... I have used sex in a very selfish way... even in my marriage bed... so I'm learning.
Gentlemen I have shared my story in the "introduction" a short while back... I'll try not to be to repetitive here... but because of child sexual abuse at 9 years old... all this time up until now I have had a problem with sexual addiction... I am so, so ashamed to say that... I also experienced the trauma of being raped at 18...
One of the most difficult questions of my heart... A question I have immensely feared ALL my life... "Am I normal??"... I weep when I ask that question still... I haven't seen too many postings where the wife is addicted and not the husband... or maybe I haven't read all the posts... But I did post a question calling it "reversed roles??" no replies yet... it just leaves me wondering tis all... what is ironic, is my counselor suggested abstinence with my husband and with myself... Between my husband and I, I have a stronger sex drive... I realize now it's been that I've had a demanding sex drive... My husband is dealing with some medical issues right now...So he was able to handle the abstinence... So God's timing for me to deal with this SA issue has me smiling.. It's uncanny how He puts it all together...
Suffice to say, I had major issues coming into my marriage... As a Christian woman I have sincerely desired to do things God's way... but what a struggle to get there... Finally after 3 years of counseling I've learned so, so much... I can now see the selfishness, the fears, the mistrust etc. etc...
At the beginning of my marriage I struggled so, couldn't respond to anything, and going through my counseling on the rape issue recently, now I understand what's been going on... I was disconnected... I could do it physically, though I faked responding for so long... but I was totally disconnected emotionally and spiritually...
So lately I simply have not asked or demanded sex from my husband... He has invited me... a few times... which has been a blessing... but during this down time I'm realizing intimacy can happen without sex... A whole new concept for me... we are communicating like never before... and the abstinence has truly helped me to see the real issues and fears of my own heart and God continues to heal...
Now when I am with my husband, it is not demanding, not full of expectations, it is sharing and giving... not selfish... and I feel like I'm on another planet ... I am blessed beyond measure... Never thought I could experience all that I am right now...
Why did I say all that... I really don't know...
But gentlemen I have been truly blessed by the sincerity of your hearts... trusting men has been a major issue in my life... But this website has helped to hear and see the hearts of you guys... I've recently spoken with my counselor and shared "What a new concept for me... that men have hearts, they feel, they struggle..."
I think I would like to say "thank you" for being so open and transparent and humbly asking for help and advice... You guys have blessed me tremendously...
I continue to pray for your issues and for your wives... that they would be willing to do what it takes to find a healthy balance in your marriages...
God Bless You... Diane
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 03:55 am |
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Thank you all for your kind words. It literally took me hours to compose, but, as I said, if it can help one couple break that stereotypical cycle, it was worth it.
HawkEye, I'm not sure if, when, or how you could share this with your wife and have her be receptive to it. If she knows of your membership here, that could open the conversation. "I read an interesting testimony on BG today." If you copy and paste it in an e-mail or document, though, she might wonder if it had been edited. If you send her the link to this thread, that could be uncomfortable, depending on how much you have shared about BG. I realized, even as I wrote it I guess, that it might not help you and Bill in your current situations, unless God softens your wives hearts, but I wanted to let you know that your situation is not uncommon, and that there is hope. Some of us do escape the trap. I think that Diane expressed it well-- balance. Even compromise is possible, less than you would like, more than she would like. That might be a start, but it is that complete departure from the tug-of-war mind set that brings utter joy.
Today, a little over two years in to this experience, I know that it was not just a fleeting, knee jerk response to keep his eyes on me. I know that it is not just another short-lived good intention. It is real. It is like being a newlywed, but with two dozen years of largely positive history. I could kick myself for all the wasted years, for hurting the one person on Earth I love most, but that would take away time from the peace and joy in which I basque. Since posting, I have been trying to remember exactly what it was that I was trying to avoid, and I am having trouble putting my finger on it. The main thing that keeps crossing my mind is that there is such emphasis by our culture on making sure the woman is physically satisfied. I wonder, perhaps, if I felt inadequate if I did not feel, or want to feel, passionate, and I suspect that it may have been drilled in to the guys that if we don't experience fireworks every time that they have not been adequate either. This is all a myth. It is the union of heart and spirit that is the real point, and whatever happens physically, happens. And DON'T think I am saying that the physical is of no importance to women. First of all it is, at least for most of us, though perhaps not as much, and second because the only woman I am speaking for is myself, even though it would seem that I am not alone.
Praying for all the couples represented here...
TruthSeeker
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Angelaseyes
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 09:44 pm |
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Hi
I am a christian woman who is married and pregnant myself. I would like to tell you my point of view on this. I have found that my sex drive has majorly decreased since pregnancy. I think I am honestly scared of hurting myself or the baby. Sex during pregnancy can cause bleeding and this is very scary. Remember, horomones really do seriously change and even when we women want to have sex it just doesnt feel like soething we should do...it can be very uncomfortable during pregnancy and almost impossible for the woman to enjoy herself most of the time. I want to have sex with my husband but my body feels so so tired all the time. I feel sick and depressed about the way my body looks. My advise would be this: Make her feel super sexy by telling her how good she looks pregnant. Take her out and treat her like a queen. Tell her how much you love her and how the fact that she has your baby inside her makes you love and respect her even more. Tell her you dont want to have sex but you want nothing more than to make love to her and make sure the sex during pregnancy is more of making love than just having sex. Caress her and hold her gently and explain to her that you need to be intimate with her. I think after she gets one night of heartful love making it will manke her feel important and loved and she will want more of it. I wish my husband would do these things for me anyways! Hope a pregnant womans perspective helps you. Go easy on her. It is really hard dealing with life around you when youre pregnant. Pray continuosly and know that GOD is listening. He will make you stronger than ever. ~Angela
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 06:08 pm |
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This is not the original article I read, but it is an excellent one, in my opinion, by Lysa Terkeurst of Proverbs 31 Ministries.
http://www.growthtrac.com/artman/publish/article_997.php
TruthSeeker
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