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> The Journey to Grace > Marriage and Family > Contemplating divorce due to drug addiction

Contemplating divorce due to drug addiction
 Moderated by: Steve, bil4913, truthseeker  
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contessah
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Joined: Tue Jan 16th, 2007
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Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Jan 17th, 2007 01:41 am
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:shock:  I am new to this forum, never used one, and I need advice.  I am married to a heroine addict who was clean for awhile but is now back into it.  I can't take it anymore.  He doesn't bring home any money or pay any bills.  He is very kind to me, but sometimes doesn't come home all night.  He never tells me where he is going, I am disabled and don't have a car, am on disability and it is the only income we have.  I want him to become a miracle but I don't see it happening.  I am an enabler bad and have gone to Al-Anon, although I have my share of addictions.  His addiction has become his best friend, not me.  My mom died 6 weeks ago and my dad is moving away (he lives 3 miles from us) to California.  I will be here all alone with only my husband and his crowd of addicts.  I feel so alone and helpless because I can't afford to move and love him.  I fear being alone.  I am bi-polar and he DOES take care to make sure I eat, he cleans and cooks, but then won't come home all night saying he'll be home in 30 minutes, then no calls for 12 more hours.  He nods out while talking to me and denies doing drugs.  He blames me for his problems and last night I said this ship is sinking and he said "let it sink".  Then apologized.  I am scared to have no one around, stranded in Arizona alone.  Help with some suggestions.  I want a divorce but have no safety net or support system, except for my family who all live in Napa County, in California.  I'm sick of his lies and inability to provide.  What do I do?  I'm low income and disadvantaged without a car.  I'm full of fear of being without him, even though he does not contribute.  Is anybody out there?

truthseeker
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Joined: Tue May 16th, 2006
Location: New Jersey USA
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Mana: 
 Posted: Wed Jan 17th, 2007 06:54 pm
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Hi Contessah,

My heart goes out to you.  The loss of your mom must be a terrible blow, and to have your dad move so soon afterwords compounds the loss.

I'm sorry that your husband has not remained drug free, but if he is in denial, you may, indeed, need to ask him to leave, or leave yourself.  I presume that if you could go with your dad, or live with other family until you could get back on your feet that you would have said so.

Are you in an area that has a paratransit service?  Generally, if there is any public transportation, they also provide curb to curb service to certified disabled persons at fairly reasonable fares. 

If your H is not contributing financially, (though he seems to have money for drugs,) being without him should not change your financial situation, though I realize that the emotional loss is exponentially greater.  Usually there are local municipal or volunteer services that can be arranged for shopping and light housekeeping.  Your local social services office should be able to give you some direction.

I realize, of course, that the real struggle is the fortitude to tell him it is over unless he gets and stays clean.

I pray that you will have wisdom and courage...

TruthSeeker

contessah
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Joined: Tue Jan 16th, 2007
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Mana: 
 Posted: Fri Jan 19th, 2007 07:20 am
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:D  Thanks for replying to my discussion.  I don't really have anyone to talk to.  He has made a change for the better (in words so far) because I told him I was thinking about getting a divorce and he straightened up and went to voc rehab and his doctor.  So, things are a little bit more hopeful today.  I have cab vouchers and my dad is taking me shopping at Walmart for whatever I need (food, clothes, toiletries) so that will be fun.  Thank God he is still here.  He's moving soon, but I have to clean out his house first of EVERYTHING (sell or give away or dump).  It's a lot of work.  My husband is going to help me do this.  So is my girlfriend.  So it won't be so bad.  I am going to medical transcription school online, so I am always busy doing my studies.  It keeps me very focused and away from being depressed.  I love school.  Thanks again for your input.  I will survive, thanks to God and my faith.  I'm put on this earth for a reason, and I won't get despondent again, like I used to (being bi-polar and wanting to check out...that has passed).  I'm doing good and am stable so the hardest thing in life right now is holding on to faith in my marriage.  I still am.  Time will tell...


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