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Serving4Him
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Posted: Thu Jan 4th, 2007 02:37 am |
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 I heard of this forum on our local Christian radio station and am glad it is here.
My wife and I of 22 years are going no where. I will be the first to confess that lusts, pornography and masterbation have gotten in the way over the years but never to the point of going over board with anyone else or an affair. Now over the last 4 years things have gotten worse. I have committed to breaking the temptations on my end but there are problems at her side as well.
A combination of things complicate the issues. 1) My wife is a Type I diabetic taking insulin and thyroid medicine. 2) Our kids are 20 and 17 and on the verge of heading out on their own in several years. 3) My wife has walked away from her first church Catholic and our latest church, a non-denominational (Great church) 4) Her father walked away from her mom when my wife turned 18, (She's 42 now) 5) Her sisters and brother are each keeping their distance. 6) I believe she is suffering from depression. 7) Our marriage is getting a failing grade. 8) She refuses to go to counselling of any kind.
I am committed to her but we don't handle money well, can't talk well without arguing, don't have any action in the bedroom. don't share much on the spiritual side, and don't have much in common. I really don't want to divorce but the thought has occurred to me. I always thought it was the woman that wanted to talk and fix things but I am at a loss. My Men's group and church keep me going.
Any thoughts, comments or recommendations?????
In Christ,
Rick
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henny
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Posted: Thu Jan 4th, 2007 03:06 pm |
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Serving,
I am saddened by your situation, but there are a few things that seem unclear. I don't want to hinder you from sharing your story as you gain comfort here. However, it seems you may be shading some things in your favor. In your introduction you make it sound as though pornography and masturbation have not been much of a problem since you were married. But here you "confess that lusts, pornography and masterbation have gotten in the way over the years".
Please do not think that I or anyone else on this website is sitting in judgement. We are not. The men and women here who suffer with sexual addiction understand.
One thing I have come to realize in my time on this site is the devastating effect pornography viewing, and sexual acting out have on the spouse of the addict. In a discussion with my wife just the other day she told my how she avoided any kind of intimacy with me during one period when she knew I was viewing pornography. Rather than confront me and tell me how much this hurt her, she simply cut me off, both emotionally and physically. In psychological terms it is called a passive/aggressive approach to conflict.
You don't have to bring everything in your life into the light of this forum, although I and many others have found a certain amount of freedom and strength from that simple act. But you will need to get this out in the open with your wife. You say that she has left your church recently. That could be tied to your porn and masturbation difficulties.
It is hard for anyone who does not struggle with these issues to understand how a man or woman can call Jesus Lord, worship him on Sunday and go to bible studies and church activities, and then turn around and stare at pornographic pictures while masturbating. They can see it as hypocrisy. And if their own relationship with Jesus Christ is not in a healthy place, they may not receive the grace necessary to come to terms with someone else's sin and weakness. In a classic baby and the bathwater, such a person can walk away from God.
Many of us here understand your plight. You really, truly love the Lord. You want to serve him. You want to walk in life as a man of God and be seen as a soldier of Christ. And then you find yourself alone, the temptation hits, and you are lost for hours in a haze of pornographic images and self gratification. We understand. But your wife may not.
I always recommend this site and I recommend it to you.
http://www.drjudithreisman.com/archives/2005/12/senate_subcommi.html
It is testimony on pornogrpahy addiction in front of a select U.S. Senate Subcommitee and says in part:
"It may seem surprising that, at this juncture, I should speak of "chemicals," when one might be thinking instead of "sex." But, in fact, modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction: Only the delivery system is different, and the sequence of steps. That is why heroin addicts in particular give up sex and routinely compare their "rushes" to "orgasms."
The pornography addict soon forgets about everything and everyone else in favor of an ever more elusive sexual jolt. He will eventually be able to find it only among other "junkies" like himself, and he will place at risk his career, his friends, his family. He will indulge his habit anywhere and everywhere, at any time. No one, no matter how highly placed, is immune. And like all other addicts, the pornography addict will lie to cover it up, heedless of risk or cost to himself or to others."
I suggest that you go to that link, read that testimony, print it out and then carefully and prayerfully go to your wife and ask her to read it.
The general population of this country and possibly the world, and even most of us, view addicts as weak. We tend to think addiction is something a person brings on themselves. But not all people recognize the possibility of sexual addiction. Your wife may not. And that article may help.
I know this has been a lengthy response. I hope it helps. We will pray for you.
God bless,
Henny
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Jan 4th, 2007 05:01 pm |
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Hi Rick,
The questions I pose here are for your contemplation, not necessarily to answer.
Are you able to identify any catalyst for the marked decline in the marriage, her departure from church, or her depression? Is diabetes a factor in her response to you, or a potential component of guilt were you to leave? Am I right in connecting your concern for the ages of your kids with the possibility of repeating your father-in-law's behavior and how that affected your wife at age 18? Any idea why her siblings are distant, from her, from you, just never close?
Surely there must have been things that you two once had in common. Try to draw upon those past positives and incorporate them where possible. Are you able to grasp what your wife is feeling about the marriage? Does she fear that it is doomed, history repeating itself, or seem to want it to end? Has she had past experience with counselling, good/ bad, or just futile? Until/unless the other issues get sorted out, the bedroom is probably unlikely, though, if she is receptive, affection with no strings attached, hugs, rubbing shoulders, stroking hair, etc. may reassure her of your love and commitment. And, of course, there are things to help around the house. Someone recently mentioned in another thread the books about learning each other's love languages. You may be doing all of this, so please disregard anything redundant.
Barring her own infidelity or choosing to leave, it looks like it is time to draw as close to God as you can, and love her with His love. That may seem one sided, and I pray that she will ultimately respond and healing will come,but ultimately, in whatever circumstance we find ourselves, our joy and contentment have to be in the Lord, not other, broken humans like ourselves.
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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Serving4Him
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Posted: Tue Jan 9th, 2007 03:12 am |
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Thanks for the responses...
We were coming along relationship wise 4- 5 years back when we started going to a new church. Later that year my wife's brother-in-law came down with pancreatic cancer. About 3 months later he lost his battle. We drove from Michigan to Kansas City to help her sister out and attend the funeral. Family issues with her brother and sister caused problems and things were sliding down from there.
My wife is private, and has never wanted to seek counselling in our 22 years of marriage, even though I suggested it. I think there is alot of hurt and bitterness in her past she doesn't want to release or deal with. I think I am the focus for the frustration. I feel very used...
I have tried to go the extra effort over the last several years by bringing home flowers, giving her cards, notes and sugar free icee's on my way home from church each week. I will vacuum or clean without being asked. I try to be Christ like when ever possible but when you go months without sex it gets very frustrating. I go thru periods of time when my focus is clear but then times get tough like now. My son was out of town for several days and my daughter was working but my wife is almost stone cold. I get tired , frustrated...
Thanks for the prayers...
Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world..
Rick
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Suzi
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 11:59 am |
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Serving4Him,
I know this is a very late response, but I am new to this forum and just catching up on some of the threads.
As I read this thread, here are a few things I wonder about...
You say your wife is a Type 1 diabetic. My H is a Type 2 and I have noticed when his counts are off he changes personality a LOT! He isn't "himself" so to speak. Is it possible there could be some underlying medical problems that are adding to the emotional issues here?
Also, with empty nest time, it unfortunately often coincides with menopause issues, which can create a pretty horrific midlife crisis for women. I would suggest encouraging your wife to get a complete physical and make sure any health issues are being properly attended to.
And of course, it's YOUR turn to step up to the plate and seek to live with your wife "in knowledge", seeking to understand what is making her tick ... or not...!
Even if she doesn't respond right away, give her some periodic "safe times" to talk to you. If she says something critical of you, how do you respond? Do you respond transparently, recognizing your potential weaknesses and blind spots? Or do you get defensive and try to justify things? You must create and cultivate a safe environment for her to open up to you.
Continue to romance her... but not simply to "get" something in return. Do it to build up her "love bank" reserves.
Also, I would suggest you be very clear about your own needs. Be open, keep things simple, but prioritize the things you really NEED from her. Communicate your most important needs in a non-threatening way. If she doesn't meet those needs all the time, well, then can you love her anyway? What is HER perception of the depth of your love for her? Conditional? or UNconditional?
I commend you for your desire to improve the intimacy and the emotional connection in your marriage If your previous patterns have been hurtful to her, your love, continued patience, and JOY in the Lord may be the salve that heals. If your marriage has had four years of serious problems, then it's probably going to take at least that long to work your way out of the cellar.
So, stay strong in the Lord. When I get discouraged about how much time we have floundered in our own recovery, I think of Moses and his 40 years in the wilderness... (sigh).... I HOPE it doesn't take that long... but God's timing is not our timing. God's ways are not our ways. Look to the eternal... and focus on that... where time will be no more. I believe with all my heart, it's gong to be WORTH it! I hope you do too!
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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