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suebeegrins
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Posted: Sat Dec 16th, 2006 11:13 pm |
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On Sept. 23, just 9 days after I miscarried what would have been our second child (we have a 2 1/2-year-old daughter), I caught my husband of 5 1/2 years in a series of lies about strip clubs (including countless lap dances and a visit to a VIP room) he visited in Vegas during the course of our dating relationship and marriage (total of 7 years).
During the 4-day course of what I call the "truth trickle," he finally confessed an internet porn habit and sexual fantasies about females with whom he works.
I was blindsided...had no idea this had been going on. In fact, he's always portrayed himself as a wholesome sports-loving nice-guy. He seemed to be a relatively lazy husband -- not very house-proud -- spent a great deal of time on the computer checking scores, playing games, etc...never looked at porn when I was in the house. I used to complain to my girlfriend about how much time he spent on sports and games, but I would always end it with "at least he's not looking at porn." Famous last words.
Once he confessed, I grilled him over days and sleepless nights and proceeded to choke as many details out of him as possible -- catching him in many lies and omissions along the way. The details were sordid and nasty. I also went to the internet and researched this nastiness. Very damaging stuff out there. Yech!
As a result, I took control of our finances (which he's never abused), forced him to quit his small offshore gambling hobby ($200/year) and get a second job to finance what I call our "marriage defense fund," a special account for damage control expenses such as co-pays for counseling, regular credit checks, a new computer, internet blocking service, etc...
Anyway, upon receiving the news of his addiction, I went to my shrink (who I've seen off and on for years to combat anorexia -- yes, I have body image issues out the wazoo even without knowledge of his addiction! Until this happened, I'd been in a pretty good place for about 3 1/2 years...a little overweight but I was okay with it for the first time in my life). So my shrink puts us in touch with a fantastic marriage counselor/addiction specialist (PhD). We also began attending SA/SAnon meetings, a attending a weekly Buddhist service (they teach a lot of compassion and self-love; we're also planning to attend Christian church services after the first of the year), reading a mountain of Patrick Carnes books and exploring meditation.
My husband appears to be recovering...since his initial confession, he says he's not acting out at all. He said it was more difficult to part with his secret than the porn itself. He seems to be working his program, and for the first time, sincerely caring about others (except for me...which I'll get to in a minute.)
The last 2 1/2 months have been difficult at best. I feel like I've been on an emotional rollercoaster about the "facts" of the case. As if it isn't hard enough already, when I get overwhelmed with sadness or anger over all this, he becomes defensive and holier-than-thou and pulls me through what I call "the keyhole of misery." Yes, I feel like I've been pulled through the tiniest hole because he is such an expert at dodging and avoiding in the throes of confrontation. I've gone into an absolute rage 3 times since all this came out. (A rage for me includes very foul swearing, yelling, and sometimes hitting)
Tonight's been particularly awful...more accurately, the last 72 hours have been awful...I'm a freelance video producer, and one of the actresses on my production Wednesday shared the same first name as one of my husband's favorite porn stars, Tocarra. Well, I had a bit of a setback and began thinking through the undiscovered details of his lap dances and such....
Later that evening, I told him how hard it is for me to get through a single day without thinking about it all hundreds of times. I cited Tocarra as an example...He proceeded to tell me that some women wouldn't care if their husbands had lap dances and some women would say, "oh, bring her home." This was his way of illustrating his confusion about what is healthy sexuality for a male. Huh? I think it's passive aggression.
Anyway, I was telling him my concerns about the undisclosed portion of his experience...such as whether he wanted to kiss his lap dancer, etc...He got angry and said, "I'm not going to admit to anything I haven't done." I should point out that I was not speaking in anger at all, it was clear that I was calmly trying to express how I grapple with these thoughts on a daily basis, and I was appealing to him for understanding (and maybe a little comfort, since he seems so able to comfort his SA acquaintances now). The whole blowout culminated with him, hands on his hips, demanding, "What do you want?" He claims he was practicing his new-found gentleness throughout our discourse. Next time (not that there will be one), he might as well achieve the same "kind and gentle" results with a baseball bat. It's quicker and less painful.
As a result, we had very little sleep Tuesday and Wednesday nights...Wednesday night he shared that during the last year he's regularly fantasized about Tina, from work. In the past, he's claimed he only visualized her in a bikini/naked, but last night he expanded his story to include having sex with her standing up and missionary style at least once a month for a year ending this past spring. (yes, he gave me all those details) Isn't that nice? Needless to say, yesterday was a pajama day as if I'd been stricken with the flu.
So last night, after our daughter was in bed, he decided to confess that he's been using the internet at work to check his sports stuff again....this is something he agreed/promised he'd never ever do at work again; we discussed this at length with our marriage counselor who was in support of our agreement. By the way, he has total access to it from our home computer. I don't mind if he does a little sports stuff at home; I just didn't want him to jeopardize his job by overusing the internet for recreational purposes. (He cannot access porn from his work due to the company firewall.) The real stinger is that his confession was prompted because he's won a sizeable amount of money and his fantasy football buddies know he's been actively changing his team lineup, so he's worried that he'd be outed\caught if he didn't confess to me.
Ironically, he left me a note yesterday morning that said, "I'm sorry about what my actions have done to you and our marriage. It must be so painful to have days like yesterday where what I have done affects your cennection with our wonderful daughter. I'm so sorry. I love you. AND I WILL CONTINUE TO TRY TO HELP YOU FIND PEACE. I love you." This was all meant to help me with the I-had-mental-sex-with-Tina-update. Little did I know he was going to strike with the internet-at-work dealbreaker later that same day. Yeah, that's some kinda peace...knowing you can't trust your husband even on the littlest, most unimportant stuff.
I know it sounds small, but I think I've had about all I can take. I think I'm done. I couldn't believe some of the things I said to him tonight...yes, in anger, but I meant every word. I threatened to expose him...I told him I have Tina's address and phone number. I shoved and hit him too. I tore up a thank you note he wrote to my OBgyn for taking such good care of me after I was blown away with all this news 10 days after my miscarriage. I also threw his SA sobriety coins out the front door; he may not be sexually acting out, but I think he's not practicing "rigorous accountability" as those in his group call it. I don't feel the least bit bad about my behavior.
I began speaking as if our marriage is over, and then I heard myself and kept going. I'm done, and I'm emotionally divorcing him. I don't love him. How can I love someone who continues to disregard me and put himself first in such an arrogant and selfish way? I guess this means I want to divorce him. I don't sound fully committed only because I don't want the financial/custody realities of legal divorce, but I don't trust him anymore, and I don't want him around me anymore.
I'm better than this. Does that mean I move on or persevere?
Pleeeeeez help me!
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Fri Dec 22nd, 2006 04:34 pm |
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| Sue, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through! I am kind of going through the same thing right now with my husband, only he took his to the next level and acted out by touching my 13 year old sister! I know exactly how you feel on the "divorcing him emotionally" but don't want to face the reality of a legal divorce. We, too, have a 2 year old daughter and sometimes I want to just put everthing behind me for her, but we as women cannot do that to ourselves! You are exactly right, you deserve better! But I can 100% relate to how you feel..... and I don't think you will ever be able to sexually look at him the same again. I find myself always wondering "is he thinking about some other woman when he kisses me" and I have to say Don't at all feel bad about the way you acted out! He deserved every bit of it! I only wish I had the power to do the same, instead I ball all my emotions up inside! I do have to say just follow your heart! Pray about it, and attend church, keep talking to your counsler and the main thing is follow your heart..... do what your heart tells you to! But always keep God first and he will never steer you wrong! I'll be praying for you!!!
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suebeegrins
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Posted: Fri Dec 22nd, 2006 08:38 pm |
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He touched your young sister? What are you going to do about that?
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 03:51 pm |
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| Yes he tried to touch her breast! Thought she was sleeping but she wasn't and she tod me! We are going through counseling and he is getting proffesional help! but My sister said not to leave him, that she saw a change in him at church and to try to give him a chance with counseling...but I'm just not sure if that will work or not! How are you doing with you situation, holidays go over ok?
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suebeegrins
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Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 04:17 pm |
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Follow your gut/heart/head...all of them are working for you...He may be trying to change, but in the meantime, I'm worried he could harm your young sister's emotional/sexual development (I'm assuming she's young). What she pretended to sleep through is by definition sexual abuse. Don't let it go. She needs some counseling/wisdom. I know you have a lot to deal with already. I'm sorry this is happening to you.
Thanks for asking about my sitch...I go in and out of sadness/anger/depression. I don't know if I can trust my husband. He seems to be completely dedicated to changing, but the past is the past, and I'm still sorting through it. I'm triggered easily lately...just walking through the grocery store, I was picking out strangers who he'd fixate upon and consider "lapdance-worthy" or mb material. We took our daughter to a nice restaurant for lunch, and I found myself following his eyeline to see who/what he was looking at. I'm jumpy and angst-ridden.
Our holiday starts on Thursday...that's when my family arrives from Philly through the New Year, so we've postponed celebrating Christmas until Friday/Saturday. My daughter's 2 1/2, so she doesn't know the diff. I don't know how it will go. It's been stressful getting ready b/c I have such a hard time focussing on stuff that used to come naturally to me. I feel haunted.
However, Scott's been much more present than ever before...helpful and enthusiastic...it's made me realize how much of our marriage and relationship I've been carrying for the past 6 1/2 years. I hope he realizes it too. He appologizes a lot, but I'm not sure if it helps me. I have a lot of trouble with the information he gave me during his confessions...almost as much trouble with that than the deeds themselves...he was very brutally honest with his confessions, and I have way more information than I ever needed. It was very hurtful, and I suppose I feel the way I do b/c I'm deeply wounded.
I guess my goal is to figure out how to go about healing.
I'm thinking about separating...if he reveals another deception or "dealbreak" -- no matter how small/trivial -- he's going to have to leave. That's my bottom line, and I'm bracing myself for it. It's most likely inevitable.
Anyway, that's my update. I'll keep you in my thoughts. I'm sending you good vibes. Please be careful. Take care of yourself and those innocents around you. Happy holidays.
Last edited on Tue Dec 26th, 2006 04:21 pm by suebeegrins
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 06:50 pm |
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| Thank you sue! I'm trying to follow my heart but it changes from day to day! I'm sure you understand the same, one minute you think you can forgive the next minute you want them to leave and never see them again. My sister didn't pretend to be asleep through it she let him know right away she was awake so it was an attempt....he didn't succeed......thank God! But, I am also going through counseling with her to be safe.... Also, Derek, the same as your husband, has been so much more helpful and enthusiastic about everthing....although it is starting to slack...... but I still feel that everything takes time to overcome....... and honestly, the following his eye line and things like that may never end, I did those things before, and I can imagine how it felt for him to confess those things to you, and in such great detail..... almost makes me wonder why he went to such detail...... I mean, they say the first step to fixing a problem is to admit that there is one, and it may have been a load off his shoulders by telling you......but why in such great detail....have you two talked about these things since then? Communication is going to be the key in this situation!
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Tue Dec 26th, 2006 06:50 pm |
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| Thank you sue! I'm trying to follow my heart but it changes from day to day! I'm sure you understand the same, one minute you think you can forgive the next minute you want them to leave and never see them again. My sister didn't pretend to be asleep through it she let him know right away she was awake so it was an attempt....he didn't succeed......thank God! But, I am also going through counseling with her to be safe.... Also, Derek, the same as your husband, has been so much more helpful and enthusiastic about everthing....although it is starting to slack...... but I still feel that everything takes time to overcome....... and honestly, the following his eye line and things like that may never end, I did those things before, and I can imagine how it felt for him to confess those things to you, and in such great detail..... almost makes me wonder why he went to such detail...... I mean, they say the first step to fixing a problem is to admit that there is one, and it may have been a load off his shoulders by telling you......but why in such great detail....have you two talked about these things since then? Communication is going to be the key in this situation!
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