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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Mon Dec 4th, 2006 08:01 pm |
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| Okay here is my situation......I'm coming here for help and suggestions from people because I'm not sure where else to turn.....My husband has been addicted to Pornography for several years to the point that he would rather be watching porn than to have sex with me....well I knew it was a problem but really didn't address it too much until my 13 year old sister was asleep on my couch and my husband went in and tried to grab her breast......he has never had a problem with this before and says he doesn't remember doing such a thing...he was not on any drugs or anything and was actually sick (literally) at the thought that he could do such a thing.... I obviously told him I wanted a divorce as a first reaction but we also have a 2 year old daughter.....he has told me he is willing to get help for his pornography and wants to also start going to church with me........I guess what I'm wondering is, could the pornography had messed with his mind so bad and caused him to do such a thing wihtout remembering it....can this problem be helped......I need opinions......
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Steve
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Posted: Mon Dec 4th, 2006 11:18 pm |
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He touched your 13-year-old sister? Oh boy, have you informed DHS about this matter? It sounds like this man has no business being around your sister. I know this is a tough question: Is this man still having contact with your sister?
How is your sister doing? Most likely, she will really need to speak with a trained counselor if she felt injured in any way.
I am so sorry about all that you are going through and I don't mean to heap any more conflict into your experience, but I am very concerned for your sister's well-being and safety!
Feel free to comment more.
-Steve
Last edited on Tue Dec 5th, 2006 12:03 am by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Tue Dec 5th, 2006 03:48 pm |
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| He has only been around my sister at church Sunday when he came with me for the first time.....,I asked her if it was okay that he attended and she said she thought that would be great......you see she is very mature for her age....I have had several conversations with her as far as how she feels about it and if she needed counsling...she seems to be doing fine with the matter and actually came over last night to tell me she doesn't want me to leave him, that she seen the change and sorryfullness in his eyes at church and that she thinks talking to our Pastor will help....... He is willing to do that and says he's ready to get that demon out of his system by getting God in our lives.......I was resisting because I didn't want to offend my sister by staying with him....but now she came to me saying not to leave him that she senses change.......... but the question still arises..... is this all a cover up and do I have to worry about our daughter????
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Tue Dec 5th, 2006 03:49 pm |
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| OH and what is DHS??? She doesn't want me to tell anyone, not even our parents.....so I respect that and haven't told anyone but him.....thats why I'm here for help
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henny
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Posted: Tue Dec 5th, 2006 04:04 pm |
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Harmed,
Please know that we are praying for you. I have only this to say. I am a sinner. You are a sinner. We are all sinners. And although I believe there are some sins that are more egregious before God, sin is sin in one sense. And we are all guilty. But sexual sin against a child seems to be another matter altogether.
If someone is a bank robber, most of us can relate on a certian level because we have all stolen at some time, a pack of gum, a quarter from our mother's purse, whatever. We can identify with that sin.
If someone beats someone brutally. Although most of us have never done that, we have lost our temper, flown off the handle, shouted, screamed, slapped, lost our cool in some way. And although we may not be able to relate to a brutal beating, the same kind of sin lives in us.
The embezzler, the liar, the cheat, the promiscuous, the lazy, the greedy, the gluttonous, most of us have experienced each of these on some level.
But sexual assault on a child? For most of us, there is no commonality, no common ground. We can't relate. It is beyond the bounds of "normal" sin.
And I know I am on shaky ground here myself. This forum is for the sexually addicted. We watch films or view pictures where the women, some as young as 18 are surely victims, even if willing victims. Their hearts and minds damaged to some point where they would participate in those things. We know some have been sold into sexual slavery, and our viewing makes us accomplices to the crime. So, please don't think I sit in judgement of your husband. I do not.
But, I will say, your husband needs couseling. Fondling a 13 year old girl, his wife's sister, is border line lunacy. A cry for help. A warning that he is dangerously close to a dark place. What he did was a crime. And it cannot be ignored, because he looks sad, or remorseful. This must be dealt with. Or you will be dealing with something far more sinister down the road.
That is my opinion. And I will pray for you all.
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Tue Dec 5th, 2006 04:35 pm |
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| So when you say he needs help, you mean like talking to my pastor and getting help through him? And I agree that it was a cry for help, but is it soon enough to keep him from that dark place or should I grab our daughter and get out quick as I can? I do feel though that he is truly remorseful and is striving for the help, he has already destroyed all the pornography and actually admitted that it was problem but still says he doesn't remember doing anything to my sister.....I'm just so torn right now that I'm not really sure what to do.....I wish I could make it work becuase I do love the man but at the same time I don't want to stick around and it end up being worse like going farther or something happening to our daughter.....thank you for the prayers they are greatly needed!!!!!
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henny
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Posted: Tue Dec 5th, 2006 06:35 pm |
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Harmed,
I'm sorry I don't buy the whole, I don't remember touching your sister's breast, baloney. In my humble opinion, that's a whole big crock of b.s. What he did is wrong and his denial is ridiculous. Has he ever sleep walked before. Any other memory lapses? You say he doesn't do drugs. I'm telling you, this guy is in trouble. His acting out has gotten crazy out of hand. This is nothing to mess with. Older guys just don't go around grabbing 13 year old girls. Only God can predict the future, but anyone with some common sense can see the possibility of disaster down the road with your sister again, or some other poor unfortunate. And then what, another memory lapse? When I say counseling, I'm talking a professional. There are Christian counselors in virtually every city that deal with sexual addictions. Call one of them and see if they believe the memory lapse thing, and what their recommendation would be. I don't believe this is anything to mess with. I think your husband is giving off real danger signals, and that you should not ignore them.
Again, this is just my opinion. God bless you and stay with you as you struggle with this. And you may want to have your husband read the July newsletter from this site. It says in part:
"The life and love you’re hungry for cannot be found in sex, lust, other people, Bible knowledge, ministry, counseling, church, programs, food or money. The deepest craving of every man, woman and child on this earth is for God Himself; to feel His touch; hear His voice, know His acceptance, and be filled with His love… to enjoy sweet, holy communion with Him; to love Him, and be loved by Him.
It is in His Presence where we receive all of the wonderful blessings that come from knowing Him."
Your friend,
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HarmedbyPornography
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Posted: Tue Dec 5th, 2006 07:31 pm |
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Henny,
I thank you greatly for your opinion......not that I know of has he had any memory lapses or sleep walk...... but I have heard of the victims actually blocking things like this out of their memory, could it not be possible for him to have done the same thing? Do you know how I can contact one of these hotlines? I mean I have been with the man for 6 years and he has never done anything like this before, as a matter of fact my mother was in jail for a year and a half and we had my sister every weekend.... of course this was before she "developed" but she even slept in bed with us a few times....and nothing like this ever happened......I have asked her if anything was even said to make her ever feel uncomfortable and she assured me that nothing before this incident ever happened....... and she is the one that came to me last night saying "don't leave him" that she seen it in him at church Sunday that he is remorseful...... so I don't really know what to think....after much prayer and meditation, God has led me to talk to Maury(my pastor) and take his advice...... but I see exactly where your coming from on the whole memory lapse and that the situation could get worse.... He has also wasn't raised with any kind of relegion at all.... but also knows that I've been striving for God in my life..... in OUR life......for my daughters sake also........
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geeky_student
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 04:49 am |
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Be supportive to your husband. Remember: "He who is without sin, casts the first stone"
What did Jesus do? He told the woman to go on and sin no more.
If your husband truely repent for what he has done (repent as in you change your old ways too, something I was not very aware of before), it's great. God has used this thing meant for evil for a good purpose. God always have a good purpose for everything, even if we meant it for evil. Remember Joseph and his brothers? Then the harvest, then the famine, etc.
Praying for you! and your sister  I do hope she's not scarred in anyway. and i would like that mention that--wow that is very mature of her!
Do talk to the pastor about this.
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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TimM
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Posted: Fri Mar 9th, 2007 12:24 pm |
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Good for evil can come about in a variety of ways. Here's how it happened to someone I know:
A man in one of my meetings attempted to sexually abuse his daughter. She was strong enough emotionally to cry out and to alert her mother. So far, we're in almost exactly your situation.
The man's response was to face that he had done wrong, and that for his daughter's good, she would need help and counseling to deal with the situation. He therefore went the next day to the psychological counseling people at his base (he's military), knowing that they would in turn have to contact the police, but knowing he needed to do this. He started counseling for himself, and he started attending several SAA meetings each week.
Where we are in the story right now is this: The man is making wonderful strides in recovery. He is on fire and deeply committed to the program he is working. In order to protect the daughter, his wife is divorcing him. The details of the divorce settlement are still in the air, but he is having people from his meetings testify on his behalf in court. Because he has worked honestly and honorably with the police and the counselors from the beginning, the most serious charges he might have faced have not been filed. His criminal trial is still pending, but he will probably avoid prison.
Now, I think every part of this is good. The man himself has been shaken up enough really to get help. He admits that he was wrong, admits he has a huge problem, and he is starting what will be a long process of getting help for it. The authorities are involved to make sure he sticks with his recovery program. The daughter and wife are safe. There is light and transparency and honesty everywhere. No one is hiding. No one is in fear. People are getting closer to God, closer to health. The cycle of hiding and isolation and fear and sin has been broken. There is hope for a new outcome in the next generation.
To me, that's a model instance of good. It's people owning their wrongs and working to fix them, accepting transparency and accepting the consequences of their actions. It's an intergenerational pattern of shame and secrecy and denial open up to healing light.
I would hope that in the case in this thread as well, such a good outcome might be possible - that the addict might admit his wrongs and get help, that the family might be safe, and that the pattern of lying and secrecy to protect secrets, a pattern that leads to addictions in families generation after generation, might be disrupted.
Personally, I don't see that happening if the response is to accept a claim of forgetfulness about sexual abuse. I don't see it happening unless the addict's genuine repentance the next day is accompanied by total commitment to life-changing work with other people to get to the root of his problems, to become accountable, and to make sure his sister-in-law gets the psychological care she needs. I think love and support includes making sure both the husband and the sister get the care they need, that the burden be lifted from the sister, and that the husband face the consequences of his actions. I worry that I'm not sure that's happened in this case, but of course I've been wrong before.
Just my account of another model of support, this one including support by the addict for his victims.
Tim M.
Last edited on Fri Mar 9th, 2007 03:03 pm by
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geeky_student
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Posted: Sat Mar 10th, 2007 02:23 am |
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I see
but by that you don't mean that they should divorce right?
I mean, that's not the only way of keeping the family safe. I read that one of the stories where the wife was in tears and told her husband that they are going to be living seperately for the sake of their children and she said that whenever he realizes and wants to come back to God she will be waiting for him.
Isn't that love?
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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TimM
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Posted: Sat Mar 10th, 2007 01:47 pm |
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I think the decision to divorce or not has to be the wife's, not mine. Staying with the husband could be justified if enough boundaries were put in place. Deciding that given how often and how subtly we lie and given the gravity of the attempted abuse there is nothing that could restore trust and safety is also justifiable. It has to be her choice.
What I object to is a blanket assertion either by the husband or by a third party that love requires a particular choice in this sort of situation. That often ends up being a tool by the abuser to maintain secrecy and to maintain submissiveness and to continue to abuse, and that's not OK.
The wife has enough problems without addiction guilt over her loving response to abuse directed at her or her kids.
So I'm encouraging not making global judgments here (as much as those clear global judgments also appealed to me in my own days as a geeky student) but leaving room for the parties involved to think through and craft solutions that match the nuances of their own situations.
Tim M.
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henny
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Posted: Sat Mar 10th, 2007 06:10 pm |
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Jesus said there are no grounds for divorce except for adultery. And he also defined adultery as living in the mind of the offender. I think we can all agree that pornography and masturbation qualify as adultery and any wife is justified and in my opinion free and clear in God's eyes to proceed to divorce. Should she decide to stay that is a wonderful option, one that God may bless. But, as Tim says, it is not our place to place some kind of "well, if you were really spiritual, you know, you would stay and exhibit God's love". That's a pile of crap that we don't have the right to voice.
Henny
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Raven34
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Posted: Wed Mar 14th, 2007 12:49 am |
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Hello Everybody especially HarmedbyPornography,
I am new to this forum and am fascinated with this story.
I agree with most everything said so far about this man being at a dangerous point, the sister (or some unknown future victim) needing to be protected, going to Church and seeking God's help, counselling, etc. etc.
The most encouraging thing is the man says (and let's give him the benefit of the doubt) that he is remorseful. But, and this is my concern, it will only take one slip up for everything to turn sour again. This forum is full of examples of exactly that happening and I was wondering what the possibilities are of a permanent solution. I don't mean castration or incarceration, what I mean is a genuine change where the desire for unacceptable behaviour is removed.
I was once a smoker (possibly just as addictive) and gave up cold turkey one day back in 1981 and have never had even the smallest desire to have another drag. What changed the program? I don't know but I pray that something similar happens to this man for the sake of his wife and daughter, sister in law and for himself.
There must be something deep inside that makes us do these things.
Praying for you.
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Jrry
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 05:47 pm |
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In most states a confession of a crime (to a Pastor, therapist, school employee, etc) against a child must be reported to the police. IMHO, a wife is justified in reporting her husband's alleged crime to the police. In some cases, the police can charge the innocent spouse with hindering prosecution or withholding evidence.
In our Faithful and True meetings, we read a disclaimer at every meeting that we embrace honesty and confidentiality. But, if a member discloses new or unconfessed crimes agianst a child or elder person OR is a danger to himself / others. Then our group is obligated to report this crime to the authorities.
This is food for thought...
God bless,
____________________
Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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