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formywife only
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| Joined: | Fri May 26th, 2006 |
| Location: | Minnesota, USA |
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Posted: Wed May 31st, 2006 05:19 am |
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How long can I wait to tell my wife about this?
I'm extremely ashamed and don't have any idea how to tell her...I thought maybe in writing first???
I beleive my problem with mb started before I was a teenager and I'm 39 years old now. The longest period without this before marraige was about 2 months when I went through army boot camp (I can't fathom that though!). I went several years not viewing any porn and without mb during our marraige. How do I explain this to my wife after being married almost 16 years?
God's grace saved us from a seperation eleven years ago when I quit drinking and I give him all the glory for that. At that time I actually thought I'd been healed of lust and any form of sexual addiction I had too. It hung around though because I gave in to the mb and porn again. It was very infrequent over the last few years that I can remember until recently and then I knew I needed help and support.
I come to this forum daily and haven't viewed porn or mb since. The lust level is not very good though.
I'd appreciate anyones feedback. Replies from wives very welcome as well.
formywife only
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captivated
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Posted: Wed May 31st, 2006 08:43 am |
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Hey, welcome to the forums! My only input would be to be prepared to share everything, without getting into the gorey details unless she asks for more. Truth is always the most freeing in the end! Some women want to know everything and since I'm one of those, I'd say that if you keep things from her, she'll sense it and it will hinder both of your recoveries. As you share though, I think you should be prepared for ANY type of a response! Hearing this sort of thing feels pretty much the same as if we've just heard you'd had an affair. It takes time to sink in....time to grieve....time to go through the stages of anger, shock......denial......etc....and time for her to watch you and see what you're going to do to get free and stay free and gurd her heart in the future. Also, you probably do realize this, but you will both need help to get through this beyond what you experience here on the forums! Finding a counselor/support groups experienced in dealing with sexual addiction will be vital! So, you might start looking and suggest something to her in this area as well. If you need help finding someone, you can PM me.....and know that you've both been prayed for! Again, glad you found us!
captivated
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Steve
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| Joined: | Tue May 3rd, 2005 |
| Location: | Colorado USA |
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Posted: Thu Jun 1st, 2006 01:37 am |
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My only input is to start working with a counselor who specializes in helping men with sexual addiction issues, or perhaps even attend an Every Man's Battle Conference when it comes to your area. If it is clear (to you, your spouse and others) that you are working very hard towards getting free, it mighty be easier for her to handle the news and move forward.
Hang in there, bro! Be encouraged!
-Steve
Last edited on Thu Jun 1st, 2006 06:36 am by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Thu Jun 1st, 2006 06:09 pm |
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Hello,
This is only one woman's perspective. You know your wife best, and can hopefully sort out what might apply.
I, personally, would view a note as a cowardly way to tell her. Yes, I realize that telling her at all is an act of courage, but strongly suggest finding/making a time that the children will not interrupt, and doing it face to face.
She may cry, scream, rage, vent, be calm/numb, or some mix, so, as best you can, be prepared for anything. As you are already remorseful, her expressions of pain are likely to compound your feelings of guilt, but remember that your confession before God has already covered this with the cleansing blood of Christ, though the relational damage is going to take time to work on. Please try to be patient with your wife's suspicions, insecurities, etc., as she is likely to question you even when there hasn't been any further incidents. It is important to be honest, and not defensive. It may receed in to your past more quickly than it does for her.
I pray that she will find the grace to forgive you and support you in recovery, but even if forgiveness is not forthcoming, press on in recovery, because it is affecting your relationship with God, first of all.
I hope that the steps you have already taken will show her how serious you are about conquering this. Telling her, instead of her making the painful discovery, is something many of us wives have not experienced. Usually, it seems, we end up confronting, and often dealing with denials, at least initially. If there are spouses here who have been told, or have told prior to discovery, perhaps they will share what that was like.
I pray for God's strength for you in this revelation, and in your family's recovery.
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formywife only
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Posted: Fri Jun 2nd, 2006 05:12 pm |
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I greatly appreciate the responses from you all and I'm very thankful for your prayers.
My wife doesn't know yet and I've only started to look for counseling options.
I'm going to buy the "Every Man's Battle" book, I hope today.
Would the "Setting Captives Free" course be good to take? (I don't think I can do it daily...is that a problem?) Anyone who's been through it do you have comments about it?
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