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bbbluez
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Posted: Fri May 12th, 2006 03:35 pm |
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Hello
I have a problem Im really having a hard time with.
My wife was sexually abused from the age of 5 till 16 by her dad.
I have never forced myself on her and we have been married 16 years.
I always handled her lack of sex drive with frequent masterbation
and It worked for me and her because she didn't have to deal with sex.
We both got saved last year and and I told her that my #1 sin that
I would have to deal with is lust and porn and I needed her to really
help me with this situation. We talked and had a inital understanding
and it worked for a few week then she stoped wanted to deal with the
situation. I have tried and tried to talk to her and get our problem
resolved without any luck. I find myself going back to my old masterbating
with porn ways because I have a very high sex drive and I get really
emotionly unbalanced if the pressure cooker gets to boiling toooooo Much!
Please help me to find an answer.
Thanks so much
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Steve
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Posted: Fri May 12th, 2006 06:42 pm |
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Have you (as a couple) considered marriage counseling?
It also sounds like your wife would really be doing herself a favor by doing some deep emotional and spiritual work related to her abuse.
Regarding your porn and masturbation issues, I would suggest becoming part of some kind of accountability & growth group. Even if you and your wife never have sex again, you have got to get a handle on your sexual acting out behaviors, and to be as tactful as possible, justifying your behaviors by reasoning that you're not having enough sex is a cop-out. Porn and masturbation is going to squelch whatever spiritual vitality you have as you walk with God.
What do you think? Any comments? Please tell us more!
Oh and welcome to the forum! 
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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bbbluez
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Posted: Sat May 13th, 2006 02:30 pm |
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My wife has had alot of counceling but as a couple we have had none. Our financal situation is such that its not going to happen any time soon. As far as getting a handle on my masterbation problem we as a couple have not had sex in over a year so what am I suppost to do? Is just masterbating with no porn a sin or a acceptable soluation? I dont know if i can just ignore the drive after a week or 2, something has to give! Where in the bible does it say for couples not to deny the other? Thanks for the input and feedback. I would like to hear what other guys do in this situation or am I the only one in the WORLD with this problem?
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Praise6
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Posted: Sun May 14th, 2006 05:49 pm |
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A high sex drive seems to be the driving excuse for a porn and masturbation addict. Interestingly enough, when the porn and masturbation are removed, the extremely high sex drive seems to diminish also. Usually it isn't a true high sex drive at all but a porn and masturbation sex drive.
Did your wife know that used masturbation as a substitute for sex with her? That will kill her libido in a heart beat. When my husband did that, it made me feel like I wasn't even needed. If I wasn't available then he took care of himself. He never even had to try to seduce me. He just used that as an excuse.
My husband stopped the porn and masturbation 3 years before we were Saved. He knew he couldn't masturbate even without porn because he was using porn images in his head. That was the same to him. Now that he is Saved it is inconceivable that he would masturbate or use porn because to lust with his eyes is the same as adultry according to Jesus. Matthew 5:28
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bbbluez
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Posted: Mon May 15th, 2006 05:31 pm |
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Yes she knew about me masterbating! She ok it because it left her with not having to deal with sex. She never had any libido. Its not porn Images that sparks the feeling, It my wife Images, She is a very lovely lady, and I want to be with her! And for me not EVER AGAIN have a need to ejaculate, if i ignore it, I think is very unrealistic dont you think! 
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Praise6
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Posted: Mon May 15th, 2006 05:40 pm |
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She may not have been ok with it.
I just know from what my husband tells me. His mb NEVER included images of me. Maybe I am not lovely enough.
If you want someone to give the ok to mb, you may not get that encouragement here. Seems the two of you need to work on intimacy together. As long as you have the option to take care of it yourself, there is no need to push through that intimacy barrier.
Last edited on Mon May 15th, 2006 05:41 pm by Praise6
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bbbluez
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Posted: Tue May 16th, 2006 06:07 pm |
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| What I think you don't really understand is that I really love my wife. I think she is the most beautiful lady I have ever seen and I disire her. She knows this because I have told her quite often. I don't want or NEED anyother gal. I do have images of her and me making love and I let her know. I just need her to respond to me and It is not happening. I have MB many time just thinking of her and only her.
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mike
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Posted: Thu May 18th, 2006 11:58 pm |
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>My wife was sexually abused from the age of 5 till 16 by her dad.
She will have to come to the point of facing what happened, grieving the loss, and then forgiving her father for complete healing to take place. God will need to lead her into this process.
> I have MB many time just thinking of her and only her.
What you're thinking about is irrelevant; you could be thinking about butterflies in the rain, and it still wouldn't change the fact that you've having sex with yourself, and are facilitating the destructive sex and self obsessed mentality that's got you where you are today.
> get really emotionly unbalanced if the pressure cooker gets to boiling toooooo Much
Instead of having sex with yourself to cope with stress, (which, sex is not meant to be a stress reliever) exercise vigorously at least 3 times a week to burn off the stress. You should be grounded in the word and prayer every day, learning to seek God's face, so that eventually you're as obsessed about Him as you are about sex now. It could even be he's waiting for you to make Him your First Love before He heals your wife.
>I dont know if i can just ignore the drive after a week or 2, something has to give!
I've gone through several years worth of celibacy in my marriage. If you're willing to surrender the false perception that having an orgasm is a need (which it's not - you won't die without it) and realize that your core need is for the Lord, and seek Him as hard as you've sought sex, perhaps He might start changing you and your marriage. That "high sex drive" you talk about will decrease once you start breaking the pattern of sex and self absorption.
If you've had enough of living life your way and are willing to let God break you, I can tell you that there's no better way to live life.
You guys should be praying for each other every night, and asking the Lord to heal your marriage. Your wife needs to hear from you that she's the only one you want, and that for her to withhold herself from you is damaging to your marriage. This doesn't mean a guilt trip, but that you are communicating openly. She needs to understand that for her to seek healing for what happened will benefit her, you, and her relationship with the Lord. I suspect the sexual abuse is a wall between her and the Lord that hurts her relationship with Him, just as it does with you.
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Linda
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Posted: Mon May 22nd, 2006 04:47 am |
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Hi bbbluez,
I am an overcomer of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by numerous members of my family, including my mother so I can relate to your wife's "lack of sexual drive." I'm sure you are discovering, as I did, that there are no easy answers to this. Healing is a process. Speaking as a woman, though, I can tell how much it means to us to have a man who loves us fighting for us! Your willingness to discuss the issue and ask for help is very powerful start!
I can also tell you that there is healing in Jesus. I have experienced Him so I know He heals! The journey is challenging but oh-so-worth-it. The thing is you can't know how "oh-so-worth-it" the journey is until you put on your hiking boots and go for it!
I pray with a group of ladies every week for people who are struggling with sexual issues. We will be praying for you and your wife. Today a line from a song kept resounding in my mind and I asked God why it was there. He told me just to pray it for the the men who are struggling with porn and masturbation. I did. This song is for you, bbbluez. "Raise up an army, oh God! Raise up an army, oh God! To restore your kingdom on earth...."
Put on your army boots and start fighting, bbbluez.
Linda
Last edited on Mon May 22nd, 2006 04:48 am by Linda
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trulove
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Posted: Thu Aug 31st, 2006 04:53 am |
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| Hi there, just something to think about... I was raped when I was 19... but that pain was nothing compared to the pain of feeling like I wasn't enough to satisfy my husband after finding out about the porn, the incredible rejection and shame and betrayal. And feeling like I could never measure up to that no matter what. I don't know your wife but I know in my case it only compounded by a million times the pain that was already there from past hurts and to give yourself entirely to someone who doesn't need us is almost unbearable and there's always the thoughts of "is it really me he wants/ is thinking about etc" Your wife needs your faithfullness and to be able to trust you and know that shes "safe" and that there is no other- picture or whatever. The bible says that we should not deprive each other but it also says that the husband is to love his wife as Christ loved the church even sacrificing himself for her. I believe that if you lay it all down for your wife and seek after Christ you will end up with something better than you ever imagined- with God and with your wife. I will be praying for you and your wife. I'm glad that you are seeking. God said "seek and you will find" so keep pressing in and he is SOOO faithful. God Bless
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stacie73s
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Posted: Thu Nov 2nd, 2006 03:07 pm |
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| Very true. People aren't understanding the effects it leaves on the spouse. It's a horrible feeling to find out that the one you love is thinking about and looking at someone else. A woman feels empty, insecure, ugly, lost, betrayed, as it goes for the husband too.
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tropicalstorm
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Posted: Tue Apr 17th, 2007 11:43 am |
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You know my spouse could have written your post nearly word for word.
The sad thing is that for six to nine months, I NEVER said no once to his desires. Even when he'd treated me badly and neglected my needs. I would go in the bathroom and want to scream, pray and ask God to help me and then I'd come out and meet his wishes.
Did it matter?
Nope, not one bit.
Here we are AGAIN because he choose to isolate and then to act out.
You are viewing sex as a stress releaser (he does too). This makes your wife feel like a piece of meat. We're not your substitute punching bag  If your motivation for sex is stress relief your wife KNOWS this is not about her. Sex abuse victims may not "know" what "love making" is - but we know the alternative when we see it.
It's a little hard to "snow" someone who has been abused because anything hinky will set off all the warning bells.
Perhaps you are not aware of your motivation in that regard and you should pray and ask God to reveal these things to you. You may find it helpful
PS - sorry if this sounds hinky - written material is a very limited medium sometimes, I wasn't trying to offend you.
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