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deaconJones
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Posted: Thu May 5th, 2005 11:05 pm |
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I would just like to encourage all here who are married to make sure that not a day goes by that you and your spouse do not take some time to pray to God. I have found that this has helped me tremendously and when I don't do it, for whatever reason, I find myself back in trouble with my bad habits. I have found that I am growing closer with my wife of 13 years because of this. I am able to feel her thoughts, concerns, wishes for me and my family and it does me a world of good just to hear how she talks to God on my behalf. And I am sure that my wife feels at least the same way if not more on her part because she sees me as the spiritual leader of this family.
I say this only as a form of encouragement to couple out there that in order for our relationships to grow we must keep God first and talk to him as often as humanly possible!
Stay strong all and God bless!!
Peace and Love
____________________
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me!
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Steve
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Posted: Fri May 6th, 2005 01:28 am |
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That's a very good challenge. Thanks!
I'm a single guy, but I trust that corporate prayer would only help! 
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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mike
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Posted: Fri May 6th, 2005 03:31 pm |
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Amen deaconJ. 
I know that if my wife and I let too many evenings go by when we don't pray together that we can start to drift apart. We need God in our marriage, and we minister to each other through our prayer together.
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Peach86
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Posted: Mon May 23rd, 2005 06:06 pm |
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| Your are right on about praying together - it not only keeps you and your spouse focused on Christ, but it allows for opening the lines of communication between you. As a woman, I am blessed to have a husband who is strong in his faith and is a strong man of God (and yes, he is a recovering porn addict). In today's society, we unfortunately undermine the importance of having "the man wear the pants" in the family & I think you're right about your wife appreciating you initiating prayer as the spirtual leader in the home. I know I am!
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matt
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Posted: Wed Nov 30th, 2005 04:13 pm |
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| This is something that I need to better incorporate in our life together. I struggle just to pray on my own, let alone making time to pray with my wife. I understand the value of it, but don't make it as much of a priority as I should. Any thoughts?
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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Peach86
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Posted: Wed Nov 30th, 2005 06:16 pm |
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Hi Matt,
I totally know where you are. My husband is the prayer warrior and has his daily devotions, whereas I'm running out the door shooting off a prayer. However, every night we make a point of taking turns to pray. Life (or Satan) gets in the way and sometimes it's not every night, but try to remember to do it before you shut off the lights. Maybe you can tell your wife that you'd like to start praying with her before you go to sleep and she can remember if you forget.
This will also help if you have been arguing and don't necessarily want to pray with her (Ephesians 4:26 - don't let the sun go down while you're angry).
Also, if you tell your wife that you'd like to start praying together, and are open to her about needing her help keeping it consistent, she will see that as a positive step to regaining any trust that may have been lost and/or that you are taking your recovery seriously.
Good luck!
Michelle
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matt
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Posted: Thu Dec 1st, 2005 10:10 am |
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Hi Michelle,
Thanks very much for the words of advice. We've had that as our plan in the past at it worked when we incorporated it. We just need to get refocused on doing that more consistently. Also, most nights we seem to be almost running to bed at the last minute after a crazy busy day, so we're focused on getting to sleep quickly to get a reasonable nights sleep. We do, however, almost always go to bed at the same time, so that is the ideal time for us.
She does seem to like when I suggest spiritual things, I just still feel awkward doing so, as she's been following Christ much longer than I. I feel almost hypocritical when I suggest that we need to do something like this, to her. And worse, if I've acted out or had a rough day, I feel guilty most of the time while I'm praying, especially with her. I know that's a flaw in my faith, and need to work much more on that, but its there nonetheless.
There has been much trust lost, and any step towards regaining it would be helpful, so I'm going to attempt to be more diligent in doing so.
Thanks for the advice,
matt
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Dec 1st, 2005 02:36 pm |
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Matt, Sometimes I think since prayer is one of the quickest ways to bring down walls and bring restoration between us and God and us and our spouse, the enemy loves to try to throw the guilt in there and try to get us to hold onto it and stay stuck. Even if the focus of some of your prayer is confession....clinging to the Lord....and some tears, it's still better than staying stuck, depending on your wife. Also, I would think there would be confidence for your wife in knowing that you are not trying to go it alone, but seeking dependence on the Lord right where you're at and not trying to hide things from her. Pray against fear and remember it's not by might or by power, but by His Spirit anyway....so ask Him to lead you in praying and to keep your eyes fixed on Him, not your wife, and see how your confidence here grows.
captivated
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Peach86
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Posted: Thu Dec 1st, 2005 04:22 pm |
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Hi Matt,
Captivated is right on target. As a believer, and a wife, I know my husband (and especially myself!) fall short from that "perfection" we put on others and ourselves. Regardless of who's known Christ longer, I think your wife will see that instead of you being hypocritical, you are being human and asking God (and her) for your forgiveness. Don't be so hard on yourself, because you'll just set yourself up for a fall (and the enemy is counting on that!). As I'm learning in counseling - baby steps. Sometimes we just need to take the big things in small doses.
Hang in there!
Michelle
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guardianangel
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 07:12 pm |
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We prayed together (married 28 years), stayed together, had four children, lived what I thought was the perfect Christian life. I recently found out that my husband has been frequenting prostitutes for 11 years-I knew and suspected nothing.
He now states, "I am sick; we need to pray about this and stay together." I agree, he is sick. I will and do pray, but I will not stay with someone who is so disrespectful of me, our marriage, God, and family.
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RTK
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 10:54 am |
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Focus on the Family has a tape available about this topic. It was about three or four women discussing the same thing you wrote about. They too thought that they had good marriages, so good in fact that they did not see the signals or warning signs that something was wrong. Their husbands had secret lives. I'd encourage you to contact Focus for a copy of the tape and perhaps talk with their counselling staff.
You are not alone. Don't try to do it alone. Get the help you ned to get through this tough time.
RTK
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guardianangel
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 03:44 pm |
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| Thank you for the information. I went to the website, ordered the video, and actually ordered three books also. I am willing to do anything, within reason, to save what God has given me: my husband and family. I have known for a year and have been going to a group for about three months; it is helping. I would encourage anyone like me to not go it alone (first of all God must be center) and to get into a group and counselling.
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 04:00 pm |
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guardian angel,
What you're going through is so tough! My heart really goes out to you! I'm glad to hear you've found a group and counseling for support though.......and that you're sharing with us here as well! Are you and your husband still living under the same roof as you go through all of this? What is he doing to purposely seek healing and change in his life? You have my prayers!!!!!
With care,
captivated
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matt
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 04:48 pm |
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I'm so sorry. Unfortunately I've heard that same story several times and a couple men that I'm in recovery with lived the same lives. I say that not to devalue your pain but to let you know that some men have lived that life and come out better men on the other side.
I'm still trying to implement prayer time for us together. I don't think its the only thing that makes a great marriage, but I definitely think that it helps. I plan to continue trying to get better at this.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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guardianangel
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 09:02 pm |
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Thank all of you for your input and prayers. It is hard, but I keep reminding myself that God promises he will not give anything, or allow anything, that we cannot overcome. I recently learned that I have choices (yes, I was at the point where that fact had eluded me).
In answer to the question, at present I am still under the same roof, but we are talking about separation (initiated by me). I have not had the space or time to heal from this, and that is what I think I need, as well as giving my will and my life over to God. I pray every morining before I get out of bed, "God, let your will be done, not mine." It is hard to know God's will because I am so strong willed, but I am trying to sit quietly and listen to God.
I know that this kind of betrayal of the marriage is hard, and I have taken it very hard and feel very betrayed. I know I have to worry about myself and my children, no matter what my husband, the addict does. One thing I want, that we have stopped doing, is to pray together. He doesn't "Have time" because of all of his meetings (he is going to five meetings a week). I would think that he would make time, but again, I have to worry about my healing and that of my children.
I will pray for all of you. It is great to know that there are others who feel this way and that I am not alone. Loneliness is a killer. I know there is hope, but sometimes I can't see or feel it. It does help to read the posts from others that are and have struggled, and succeeded with or without their spouse or significant other. Of course I want a whole family, but God will show me what is right, if I am willling to listen.
Thanks,
Guardian Angel
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RTK
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 10:12 pm |
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He doesn't "Have time" because of all of his meetings (he is going to five meetings a week).
Back to what I've learned from Focus on the Family... this is called cave man mentality. It's kind of a guy thing. A guy goes into his cave to avoid the issues, stress, etc. At times, I find myself going into the cave...it is a lonely place...but hey, I don't have to deal with life's problems while I'm there (realistically - it's called avoidance). Sooner or later a guy comes out of the cave. He could make time for you - if he wanted to.
RTK
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matt
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Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2006 10:36 am |
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| That's quite a commitment to hit 5 meetings a week. I've never done that in my recovery, so that's very positive. If this is the first that he's even addressing this being an issue, I'd do what you need to do for yourself and let him work on himself. It sounds like he's very willing to work on getting better. That's quite a big step by itself.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Jan 6th, 2006 01:38 pm |
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Guardian angel,
Did you mean that he's attending 5 recovery meetings per week or 5 work, etc.... meetings. If you meant recovery and this is still new for him to be actually dealing with this, then before focusing on what you're NOT doing as a couple, I guess I'd focus on encouraging him for what he is doing and see this initial stage of your recovery as something for you to each focus on sort of independently, like Matt said. If you are able to stay under one roof......it is difficult and sometimes the pressure of it feels like it might if you were in a closed soda can when it's shaken, but I would try to stay together.....IF he's not doing things to break his sexual sobriety. I guess I believe that living together can bring conflict between you as well as within, as you deal with the betrayal and pain, but it can also provide more opportunity to connect and see change as well as provide accountability for him. If God clearly tells you otherwise though, do not take what I've said into account. Sounds like you are seeking him and finding some valuable resources as well! You are an inspiration! Keep listening for what He has for you as you have been doing! I will continue to pray as well!
captivated
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guardianangel
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Posted: Tue Jan 17th, 2006 12:19 am |
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Thank you for the note of Jan 6th. I have been out of the loop looking for a better paying job, etc., to become more self-dependent. This is a good thing whether we stay married or not.
He is attending, now three, recovery meetings a week (1 SA and 2 AA). He is a self-proclaimed "tri-addicted" person: he tries it and he is addicted. A rather light approach to things that ruin families. He states he has been sexually sober for many months, but I do not know. I am not supposed to worry about that according to my sanon meetings and sponsor, so I do not probe. However, I know that sobriety is mostly in the mind, whether it is being acted upon or not. His distant behavior, not wanting to talk to me, etc., is a sign of non-sobriety or being a "dry addict." I try not to worry about what he is or is not doing-very tense and weird. However, I have learned to become detached, with love. Detachment does not mean I don't care; it just means I choose to no longer participate in the sickness and games that go along with it.
Unfortunately, being delivered the message as I was, I am having a phenomenal (sp?) time letting go of the past and regaining trust. I think I may have to separate and not have to look at the man who cheated on me and cheated our children out of a loving father for so many years. I can't undo the damage done, but I can try to minimize future damages.
Please pray for my family (four children) and me.
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RTK
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Posted: Tue Jan 31st, 2006 12:09 pm |
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THe Bible is a love letter to Chritsians. This is a Christian forum. God's Word has blueprints for a healthy marriage. Premarital sex, porn, and selfishness in marriage just isn't healthy stuff. It is through prayer - drawing closer to Him - that a married couple grows stronger. Stats show that out of a 1,000 coupes that pray together regularly - the divorce rate is 2% Praying together works because God is faithful.
RTK
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