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Quiverof4
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Posted: Sat Sep 8th, 2007 04:44 am |
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It's been a little while since I posted. I will try to tell our story in a nutshell.
We got married almost 14 years ago, we are both saved. We have 4 children together, and while yeah, our marriage has had spats, disagreements, overall it was good. About 6 years ago or so, my husband began to get very verbally mean with our oldest son (not biologically his, but he adopted him). At first it was little things, but then just turned into flat-out emotional abuse.
Off and oh, DH did counseling, mostly when I said he would stop mistreating our son or I was leaving. It got REALLY bad. Never physical but emotionally he has really, really hurt our son.
He finally got some help, things were getting better when I discovered his porn problem. This was, at first, what I thought was a fatal blow.
So, it has been several months, my dh has confessed everything to me, he has been in counseling, stopped looking at porn, I mean, honestly, I don't believe he is lying or playing a game. He said when I was so hurt by the porn use, he did not realize how bad it was. I was ready to divorce him. With my pain over not being sexually good enough, him having to turn to porn, plus all the years of abuse our son suffered, I just couldn't take any more. DH realized he was going to lose it all and he has really made some serious changes.
But here's the thing. I'm over it. I don't really care. I'm glad he is being nicer to our son. I am glad he is not looking at porn. But seriously, I feel like something vital died in me when I saw what he was looking at on the computer.
We are intimate very rarely. At first I thought I could never, ever let him touch me ever again. Well, once in a while I can, but I don't know. I saw with my own eyes those disgusting, ugly images, and all of a sudden, I don't feel like I am "making love"..I feel no deep connection...I feel like it is sex. I don't feel dirty, exactly, but tender intimacy, the need to just be close to him, is gone. I don't believe he loves me, tenderly, in that way. It's sex. I hate it, but whatever is lost I can't seem to find. I just keep seeing those ugly images, women turned into objects strictly for sexual gratification for men, and I wonder if that's all I am to him. Sex.
Right now we are basically living as roommates. Sleep in the same bed, help one another with the kids, work to pay bills, work side by side as parents but there is no soft, deep connection.
I don't know how to get it back. I feel like it's the same as cutting off an arm. It's done. The damage is done. He can be sorry, but it doesn't bring my arm back. I told him I was struggling and he said "Well, I think it's a matter of if you WANT it to come back" Ok....like I WANT to live this way? I can just will myself to feel this way?
I am truly at a point where I have lost hope that the special, deep husband/wife love will ever return.
Do you just live in peace as roomates?
If he has a porn issue I think that if we are not being intimate, will this make him turn back to the porn? Yet I just can't seem to do it. I can't physically be with a man for the sake of "JUST" having sex, and that's what it feels like. I am not sure I love him any more. He has hurt me so much, I just don't know what to do any more.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Sep 8th, 2007 02:56 pm |
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Hi Quiverof4,
Have you had your own counselling, or brought this to a counsellor together? If nothing has changed in the way your husband approaches sexual intimacy, making, for instance, a point of reaching out to you emotionally/lovingly, it may feel like same ol' same ol', because it is.
For me personally, we did not have other looming issues, and I prayed fervently that God would renew my desire for my husband, which was, thankfully, answered with a resounding "Yes!"
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Sat Sep 8th, 2007 11:50 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: Hi Quiverof4,
Have you had your own counselling, or brought this to a counsellor together? If nothing has changed in the way your husband approaches sexual intimacy, making, for instance, a point of reaching out to you emotionally/lovingly, it may feel like same ol' same ol', because it is.
For me personally, we did not have other looming issues, and I prayed fervently that God would renew my desire for my husband, which was, thankfully, answered with a resounding "Yes!"
I have not had counseling. Part of it is money. We have no insurance and we can't afford it.
The thing is, I think he is trying to change. He has tried to be more loving. There are times when he falls back in to the old habits, but he is trying.
It seems so cruel. For years I wanted our marriage to work. I prayed and prayed. My husband kept emotionally neglecting me, emotionally abusing our son. I prayed some more.
Now, he has realized the truth, is trying really hard, and now that he is doing that, I just don't care any more.
My point is, how can counseling change that? I feel like soft feelings I had for him are gone. They aren't coming back.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Sep 9th, 2007 02:38 am |
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Hi Quiverof4,
It breaks my heart that counselling is so expensive, when it is so significant. Do you think that your pastor might be of help? It is not that I believe that counselling can change feelings, exactly, but that someone with knowledge and experience could help you sort through the feelings underlying your numbness, such as, possibly, fear to trust that the changes you see will last and that the cycle will ultimately repeat itself. I pray that God would break the power of the enemy, as God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. Lord, please renew the joy in this home. Amen.
TruthSeeker
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Mon Oct 1st, 2007 03:15 pm |
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Just an update. Tomorrow is our 14th wedding anniversary and I have no desire to celebrate. Celebrate what? That out of obligation to God we are still living together but that's it.
He wanted to take me to a lingere store for "something special" for our anniversary and it ticked me off AND made me sick. Is he kidding me?
I told him what I had said here. I don't care. I don't believe he loves me. I don't believe there is anything special about making love to me, when apparently any woman will do. Not only that, but the women he likes to look at weigh 100 pounds soaking wet. After getting very ill AND having 4 babies, I am far from that "ideal". I will never be that, so why bother.
I don't care how many times he says he loves me, it wasn't about me, it wasn't about skinny women, he made a mistake, he loves me, he loves me, he wants me and me only, he is attracted to me physically, I AM the only woman he wants......I DONT BELIEVE HIM.
I can't get that back. I just don't believe it any more.
I found out about his porn use probably six months ago. I am not healing. I am not getting better. I have no one to talk to, other than coming here. There are no groups for women in my area. I don't have close Christian friends to talk to. I probably wouldn't anyway. In that last church we attended, a dear "friend" that I shared with betrayed my trust so I have no desire to open up just to be gossiped about.
Where I am at today is where I have brought myself. I have turned off my feelings for the most part. Accepted that my marriage is over. That I am fat and ugly and drove him to it. That I will never weigh 100 pounds so will never believe he loves me. Have told my husband if he wants to live in peace we will stay together for the children. Even told him if he wants, go find a "perfect" woman like the ones he was looking at, and have her. I don't even care any more.
I go to work and think about my family and the kids I work with, and just don't worry too much about my marriage. It's over. Why bother.
I have even given up the belief that God really cares one way or the other. I mean, I KNOW He is there, I believe he cares to an extent, but well, perhaps he has bigger things to worry about than our marriage. I certainly don't see him anywhere in this mess.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Oct 1st, 2007 09:09 pm |
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Hi Ann,
I am so sad to hear that you still have noone to be there for you, and that you are feeling so hopeless. Please resist the enemy's lie that you are ugly. You are a beautiful daughter of God, who, you recall, looks not on the outward appearance, but on the heart. Perhaps this would be a good time to go back and reflect on the understandings that the Holy Spirit was bringing through Captivating? True, God does not necessarily deflect the pain that other people's choices have on us, but that does not mean that He does not still have a plan for our lives.
Obviously your husband is not comprehending where you are emotionally if he would be so insensitive as to ask about lingerie, but is that a reflection of how he is generally handling your difficulty in connecting emotionally, sticking his head in the sand, or is it the exception rather than the rule? Does he seem accepting of the physical distance, or does he seem angry/hurt?
Are the two of you taking time to go out without the kids, for a movie, bowling, some activity that the two of you can enjoy to try and rebuild friendship, which is needed before anything else is likely to progress? (These are just questions to think about, not necessarily to answer.)
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Tue Oct 2nd, 2007 04:45 am |
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Perhaps this would be a good time to go back and reflect on the understandings that the Holy Spirit was bringing through Captivating?
I have not been able to pick the book up. It just sounds like a crock of bull. I don't see God's loving hand in any of this. Me? Captivating? Yeah, right.
but is that a reflection of how he is generally handling your difficulty in connecting emotionally, sticking his head in the sand, or is it the exception rather than the rule? Does he seem accepting of the physical distance, or does he seem angry/hurt?
I think this is the exception. He has been very patient, seems to be trying really hard. Wants things to work out. Knows it will take time. He is never angry with me. Hurt, at times, I think. He tells me he is most hurt when he realizes how badly he has hurt me/us, but he wants to stick it out and fight. "Because he loves me"
Are the two of you taking time to go out without the kids, for a movie, bowling, some activity that the two of you can enjoy to try and rebuild friendship, which is needed before anything else is likely to progress?
We have. But I am not sure how much it is doing for us. I don't want him to touch me, I don't trust him, I don't want to rebuild anything with him. I CAN'T. All I can think of is those other women and wonder why the heck he is bothering with me. He doesn't want to be at a movie with me, he wants a skinny girl. He doesn't want to enjoy an evening with me, he wants a prettier girl. I have just given up hope for our marriage.
I just cannot accept that he loves me after what he has done. I suppose we live as roomates for the kids.
Sheesh, I'll even tell him to find another woman. It's what he wants any way. Stay with us, live in peace until he finds that "Ideal" he was looking for, then I guess he can move out and have her. Works for me. I just have turned off all my emotions so that I can get through each day, and frankly, having no emotions is much better than suffering. I can't think of another solution.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Oct 2nd, 2007 03:17 pm |
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Hi Ann,
I am probably crossing over in to meddling now.
I am not sure where the damage to your self-esteem ends, and your anger and unforgiveness begins, both toward God and your husband. I understand that it hurts to feel, and I'm sure you have vented, at least some, to your H, and it is kind of you not to beat a dead horse, as it seems he is trying. God, on the other hand, is fully capable of handling the full fury of your pain, as David often did in the Psalms.
I am concerned that bottling those feelings is building internal pressure which could blow at a most inopportune time and/or manner.
Was there no
Celebrate Recovery
group in your area? That is a faith based program, not just for addiction, but for healing from "hurts, habits, and hangups".
If not, I might check with some churches to see if any pastors' wives would do counselling for someone who is not associated with the church. If there are any colleges in the area, especially christian ones, they may have counselling students who need clinical time, which might be free or at a reduced rate.
Praying more...
TruthSeeker
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decide2love
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Posted: Tue Oct 2nd, 2007 03:22 pm |
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The hardest thing for me to do as a spouse of a SA is to love him as I would love Christ. I can't imagine Christ doing those things to me or to anyone else for that matter. And that's just it, Christ would not do those things to anyone! If I can keep my perspective and honor and respect my H as I would Christ ,then I'm okay and I stay inside of Love. If I keep my eyes on what my SAH is doing then I fall into the bitter resentful and extremely vindictive cyclone of loathing for him and all that he does. Then I begin to hate myself and refuse to see me as Christ sees me... a beautiful bride to Him and for Him.
I don't believe, as a whole, that mariage is about how we feel or react to what our Hs do to us, but how we give to and share ourselves with them as if they were actually Christ. He said,
Matthew 5:43-48 (MsgB) [5]"You're familiar with the old written law, 'Love your friend,' and its unwritten companion, 'Hate your enemy.' [44] I'm challenging that. I'm telling you to love your enemies. Let them bring out the best in you, not the worst. When someone gives you a hard time, respond with the energies of prayer, [45] for then you are working out of your true selves, your God-created selves. This is what God does. He gives his best—the sun to warm and the rain to nourish—to everyone, regardless: the good and bad, the nice and nasty. [46] If all you do is love the lovable, do you expect a bonus? Anybody can do that. [47] If you simply say hello to those who greet you, do you expect a medal? Any run-of-the-mill sinner does that. [48] "In a word, what I'm saying is, Grow up. You're kingdom subjects. Now live like it. Live out your God-created identity. Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives toward you.
Luke 6:30-38 (MsgB) [30]If someone takes unfair advantage of you, use the occasion to practice the servant life. No more tit-for-tat stuff. Live generously. [31] "Here is a simple rule of thumb for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you; then grab the initiative and do it for them! [32] If you only love the lovable, do you expect a pat on the back? Run-of-the-mill sinners do that. [33] If you only help those who help you, do you expect a medal? Garden-variety sinners do that. [34] If you only give for what you hope to get out of it, do you think that's charity? The stingiest of pawnbrokers does that. [35] "I tell you, love your enemies. Help and give without expecting a return. You'll never—I promise—regret it. Live out this God-created identity the way our Father lives toward us, generously and graciously, even when we're at our worst. [36] Our Father is kind; you be kind. [37] "Don't pick on people, jump on their failures, criticize their faults—unless, of course, you want the same treatment. Don't condemn those who are down; that hardness can boomerang. Be easy on people; you'll find life a lot easier. [38] Give away your life; you'll find life given back, but not merely given back—given back with bonus and blessing. Giving, not getting, is the way. Generosity begets generosity."
My H is not only my H, but he is also my brother in Christ, he is also my enemy, and my torturer. And at times he is my friend, and lover. But it is up to me how I treat his actions. Do I pray for him, for our marriage, for my children (they're not his and he doesn't want anything to do with them) or do I wallow in his self-inflicted pain and allow it to capture me too? Do I choose to love him anyway or do I choose to ignore him and eventually loathe the mention of his name? I don't love him in spite of his weaknesses, I have to choose to love him knowing of his weaknesses and find healing for myself with in the boundaries of Christ centered love toward him and myself. If I spite his weaknesses I spite myself and the sacrifice that Christ made for me. If I spite him then the sinner becomes me because I am choosing to refuse the love of God that was born in me when I accepted Jesus as my Lord and King, and as my Master and Goveroner.
My H is not on the road to recovery, but I am. It's a long lonely road without him, but as long as I keep my eyes on the One who made him and trust in Him to lead me through this storm and utter darkness then I will make it through.
In the world Love in is linked with an emotion. Love is not emotionless, but the foundation for Love is not emotion. It is action. Godly action... showing the Love of God to all mankind, not for who or what they are but because Christ loves them too, so much so that He died so He could be in relationship with them again. Straight up face to face relationship within His Love with them, for them, and toward them.
If I cannot find Love within myself for my enemy (in this case, my H), then I have lost the way to Christ and I have to find it again. Somewhere along the line I dropped the ball and I refused to pick it up again, I refused His love for me, because without that I can give no love to others around me, much less to myself or to my H.
Read Isa 54, out loud to yourself, over and over again. And Psa 18. They both have been a great source of encouragement to me.
Honey, Christ LOVES you and He sees you as beautiful! If you keep stating over and again how you think your H sees you then that is what you will believe. Faith comes by hearing... It's your words that you are hearing. Choose to say and hear and believe what the Lord has to say about you. Walk around the house repeating out loud what He has to say about you and encourage yourself in the Lord. It is there for you. I'm not saying it will be easy. It will be hard, but keep doing it... push through the denial and pain. It will be worth it.
You said that you had noone to talk to... if you want I am available, just mail me and I'll mail back. If you have MSN messanger, I can do that too.
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Thu Oct 11th, 2007 06:56 pm |
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decide2love
I do thank you for your post. It all makes sense in my head, it just doesn't seem to be able to penetrate my heart. There is, I believe, truth in all you say, but the lies have been there for so long, I cannot seem to overcome them.
The things that happened to me as a little girl left me with questions for God for a long time. "God, if I am so valuabe to you, why did you let me get raped at 10, wasn't I worth love and protection?" There are several other pretty awful things that happened to me, but because no one taught me about Jesus until I was in my 20's, it's like my "truth" is that I am NOT worthy of anyone's love or protection, not valuable, not precious.
My husband's betrayal only seems to confirm this in my mind. What's special about me? He has perfect women to look at. What's special about intimacy with me, any woman will do, apparently.
I don't feel special or loved by God, or my husband. It is a "truth" I have accepted, and it seems the more I fight it, the more it hurts. Sometimes, isn't it easier to throw in the towel? Okay, I get it. I don't know why some people have it better than others. I know some that have it worse than I. God gives what he gives. This is what I have. I need to accept it is all I am worthy of.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Oct 12th, 2007 07:06 am |
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Hi Quiverof4,
Sometimes it is difficult to remember that God is not an unopposed force in the universe. Until the time He prescribes, Satan is at large, as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Though Satan's and sin's impact may be less as we follow the Lord, we cannot presume this, as others with whom we live or come in contact still have free will to sin. Also, creation is still in its cursed condition, subjecting our bodies to illness and injury, and the earth to natural disasters. Having wrestled with such things over thirty years as a believer, I have concluded a couple of things about pain in our lives. First, if God completely protected every believer from hardship, would people come to Him in repentance of sin, or for a spot on the gravy train? Secondly, if we no longer experienced difficulty, would we, perhaps, be in danger of losing our sense of impathy with others? We are told that the sun shines, and the rain falls, on just and unjust alike. Those you perceive as being more blessed, may not see themselves in the same manner.
One of the passages that speaks to me most is 2 Cor. 12:7-10, where Paul speaks of having prayed three times that his thorn in the flesh, the nature of which we are never told, be taken away. Instead, God responds that His grace is sufficient, and His strength is made perfect in weakness. It is only ever about Christ's worthiness. Only, perhaps, in eternity might we have some idea of why there seemed to be such disparity in our circumstances. There would be little amazing about grace if we had no trials. The amazing thing is when we have grown in the Lord to the point where His peace, contentment, and joy shine through in situations that leave unbelievers frantic and frazzled. In God's hand, that which would make so many bitter, serves to make us better. The hope of our salvation is more eternal than earthly, though He gives us the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort us.
The eyelids are drooping. I'll add more if I think of something later.
TruthSeeker
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 04:14 pm |
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I was talking with my sister a few days ago and she shared with me a revelation that she had. She is saved, has a struggling marriage....she and her husband were at couseling and just out of the blue as the counselor is speaking with her husband, she says she just "GETS IT"....that her circumstances, her husband, what he may or may not do, her kids.....all of it......NONE of that changes one thing. GOD loves her.
And a part of me got something, too. I am not coping with what my husband did very well, not coping with the changes in my life, not dealing with the pain of what happened to me as a child because I am not coming at it from that perspective. That being raped doesn't change that God loves me. That being shot by my step-father and hospitilized doesn't change that God loves me. That being betrayed by my husband doesn't change that God loves me.
If I had that deep, REAL knowledge, then nothing could shake me.
But I don't. And I wonder if I ever will. Maybe, just maybe, sometimes we are so deeply wounded that we never recover in this life. I cannot seem to grasp that in all of this, NO MATTER WHAT, God loves me. The wounds of believing I am not precious, not beautiful, not loved are too deep to heal. When I picture what heaven will be like, a part of me has always been afraid. Not afraid to go to hell. I believe that the sacrifice of Jesus will "get me in". Because of HIS worthiness.
But all the celebration, rewards, that idea that God's face will shine on ME, that terrifies me because the truth of it.....I see God letting me in because he has to if I accept Jesus and He keeps his word, but I guess I see him looking at me, sighing, shaking his head and saying "I guess you made it". I don't see a loving father rejoicing over me.
So I get that the roots of what I am dealing with are deep. But I'm too tired to fight any more. All the scriptures, songs, poems, etc. about God not letting go, not giving us more than we can deal with...mean nothing to me. I am adrift and alone. I have always been.
The only way to cope is to STOP. I have to stop. Stop trying. Stop thinking about it. It only hurts when I think about it. It is what I have always done. I'll be okay if I just get up, take care of my home, take care of my kids, do my job. Then get up and do it again.
I have stopped believing I will ever be healed.
I think maybe my husband will hang in there for a while. He has said he will do whatever it takes to make me see that he loves me. He has said he knows I am hurt and wounded but he is sticking it out for the long haul. I think, eventually, when he sees I am damaged beyond repair, he will stop trying, and ask me for a divorce. Then it can just be over.
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Paulos
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Posted: Fri Oct 19th, 2007 11:53 pm |
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Quiverof4,
You've reversed your attitude diametrically. To read through your posts, in April you were freshly wounded, but you showed growing self-insight, had a buoyant hope and offered healthy encouragement to others. Captivating? was a book to recommend.
In June your tone shifted to self-absorption in pain. The chorus of support that had rallied round you on the various forum topics failed to move you. Now in October Captivating? is a crock of bull. Your husband's use of porn and masturbation has damaged what delicate trust you felt you could risk and there's never going to be healing. Add to that decades of low self-esteem because of the rape at 10, because of getting shot at by step-father, because of a body weight and figure you won't accept--and God himself seems an adversary whose promises are words without emotional reality. Maybe, if you can persist in demonstrating woundedness in spite of Steve's repentance and overtures toward relationship, you can frustrate him to the point of asking for a divorce that will be his responsibility and not, of course, yours. Then you'll breathe a sigh of relief and be happy.
Wives on this forum are often distressed because their husbands with sexual addictions are in denial and have no motivation to change. In contrast, according to your testimony your husband has confessed all, is in counseling, is being open and honest, is trying to stay clean and make amends, maintains he loves you, and is working hard to win back your trust. He's learning how to relate to your oldest son. He's in the marriage for the long haul. These blessings, I venture to guess, are the envy of many women who read your posts.
What sort of feedback are you asking for?
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Dory
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 02:59 am |
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Hi,
I am new to this, but am amazed at how closely your story parallels my own. There's another forum that I am on that proactively helps couples restore marriages. It's a new forum at http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards
My husband is also doing alot to restore my heart. But the thing with porn is that chronic lying goes hand in hand with it. After being fooled for so many years, it becomes really hard to believe that he's not gonna do it again once the storm has passed. And if he did, you would feel even MORE like a fool. That is a normal feeling. Its natural to want to protect yourself from feeling this pain again.
His comment about "doing whatever it takes" is so healing IF he is backing it up with actions and a "dying to self" attitude. Is he inviting you to check on him? Is he welcoming your questions? Does he come to sooth you every time those old memories haunt you? Every time he does this, he applies a layer of balm over your wounds.
Its gonna take a long time. Six months is a short season for such a mushroom cloud to dissipate. Trust built up over years can erode in a moment. Marriages are so delicate. So many men don't realize how destroyed their wives hearts become once she can no longer hold on.
Its gonna be OK. Its sounds like he is teachable though and the marriage is very workable. But you're gonna also have to let God IN your heart to do His work too. Given all the times your trust has been violated by humans you have trusted, putting trust in God is really going to be your hardest work. Once you can do that, then you can let God lead you in when to trust your spouse too. Stay in the Word, and you will know when hubby is being real. Gifts of the spirit are spelled out in Galatians 5:19-26. How your husbands treats you will tell you is he is being faithful to you and if the Holy Spirit is within him.
In the end, if you remain faithful to God, He promises that you will gain so much more than the locusts have eaten. Hang tough, dear sister in Christ.Last edited on Sat Oct 20th, 2007 03:14 am by Dory
____________________
Dory
- beautiful daughter of God
- helpmeet to Nemo
- mother of 4 gorgeous kids
- working towards restoration
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Paulos
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 04:10 pm |
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Quiverof4,
Those who went before us in faith sometimes had periods of depression when they felt numb. With the passage of time they got through and came out on the other side. Maybe the following psalm passage expresses the cry of your heart during this season of your life.
I say to God my rock: "Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As with a deadly wound in my body, my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me continually, "Where is your God?"
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my help and my God.
(Psalm 42:9-11)
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Dory
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 05:21 pm |
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True enough. Thanks for that!
Now that hubby has fought the battle of erasing the images from his mind, and by doing so has successfully defeated the enemy, the enemy is mad and will seek a new weak direction in which to divide and conquer our marriages. Since he no longer has a hold on our husbands, he turns to us wives and attacks our innocent minds with those nasty images and he attacks our weakened hearts with unforgiveness and fear.
Realize what the enemy hopes to accomplish and find a way to bond with your new man to fight the good fight. In the first few months, I had to silently PRAY my way thru sex and focus on Jesus to keep those negative thoughts, feelings and images from creeping in. That's kinda what the husbands have to do to fight their OWN struggle and break the sinful grip of lust, isn't it? There is a time for greiving, it is true. And hubby must be sensitive to the new unwanted struggle he placed in you. But eventually you must emerge victorious for the dream of a great and bonded marriage you once had when you got married is still within reach. You have a family to impart your legacy onto for MANY future generations to come. Its really is a team effort becasue the enemy really WANTS a broken home and a broken line of descendants from you. Don't give it to him.
If hubby has repented with his words and stays true in this new fight, you must find a way to join arms with him to fight this outrageous battle.
Last night after writing to you, I broke down too with the memory that all I've done in the bedroom for 10 years was never good enough. The locusts ate so much. Now that he's faithful, I hardly have a body worth having! And I struggle with the lost time. Its a tough thing to fight. But fight it we must! The Lord is faithful to replace all that was lost with MORE. Job is a good story for the faithfulness of God too.
Last edited on Sat Oct 20th, 2007 05:28 pm by Dory
____________________
Dory
- beautiful daughter of God
- helpmeet to Nemo
- mother of 4 gorgeous kids
- working towards restoration
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 04:19 am |
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Paulos wrote:
What sort of feedback are you asking for?
I'm not. I guess I was just coming here because there is no where else for me.
I guess I was just looking for some glimmer of hope, somewhere, anywhere, that's all.
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Paulos
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Posted: Sun Oct 21st, 2007 05:14 am |
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Quiverof4,
Can you identify with the words of Psalm 42:9-11, quoted above in my last post? The writer feels God is distant, absent from his experience for the time being. But he clings to the certainty, even though he can't feel it, that this will pass. That some day God will give joy once again.
Of course, there's also the unique psalm of Heman, Psalm 88. He's still in darkness when the psalm ends. Nevertheless the entire psalm is addressed to God. The author doesn't stop calling out to God, even though he can't find God in his circumstances.
The very greatest of saints have all known a "dark night of the soul." Even Jesus, dying on the cross, asked why God had forsaken him.
Can you identify with these voices?
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jjules
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Posted: Tue Jan 8th, 2008 09:30 am |
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something i have to hold onto is that the Lord will never let me down like any earthly man. i cannot expect any earthly man to provide everything i need. i must put the Lord first, love and trust and rely on Him. my own father let me down, abused me, neglected me. made me feel worthless and i revolted him. my husband has betrayed me and lied to me, and confirmed my lack of value by seeking out sex with prostitutes during our relationship (he estimates over 50 times). the porn addiction pales in comparison i guess tho i know its all lust and a sick heart. when i connect with the Lord as the lover of my soul and trust God to change this man into what He intends him to be... i am at peace. This burden i have given over to the Lord gratefully. What hope do I have on my own? I have small children i need to focus on being a good Mummy and keeping my side of the fence clean. I can climb up onto our heavenly fathers lap and He wraps His arms around me and comforts me like no man ever will. I pray you let Him heal your wounds. Another thing - i cannot allow the enemy to continue robbing me. Too many unhappy years have gone by. Stolen from me, yes. The Lord promises to restore the years the locust has eaten!!! I look forward to that. i have joy and expectation in my heart that He will do as He promised that He can turn my mourning into dancing - He can give me beauty for ashes.
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Quiverof4
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Posted: Tue Mar 4th, 2008 01:54 am |
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Dory wrote: Hi,
I am new to this, but am amazed at how closely your story parallels my own. There's another forum that I am on that proactively helps couples restore marriages. It's a new forum at http://www.joelandkathy.com/boards
I just wanted to say THANK YOU THANK YOU DORY!
For anyone reading this, the link that Dory provided here has SAVED OUR MARRIAGE. My husband grabbed this message like a lifeline, knew he was at his "last hope" to save us.....he has been working this message, reading the books, and restoring my heart!
This message is the exact opposite of what is being taught to so many Christian couples, but it was our last hope, and it saved us!
My husband and I both have received MUCH healing, we are 100% on the road to recovery. I am feeling more and more healed every day, my husband has been free of porn for many months (I believe him, absolutely) he is completely repentant and working VERY HARD to save our marriage and heal the hurts.
Yes, we have had bumps and I expect more, but the miracle is....as he has worked on not only the porn issues, but worked on healing my heart, God has done a work in both me and my husband and he is exposing root issues, and deep, deep healing from past hurts is coming to both of us.
For those of you who supported me here and who reached out, thank you. You all were encouraging and brought me hope at a very dark time, but Dory, God sent that link to me, through you. Thank you.
God bless you all.
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