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newlywed
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Posted: Thu Sep 22nd, 2005 04:24 pm |
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| I'm not sure where to begin. For as long as I can remember I've had problems with masturbation...I seem to be able to stop for a short period of time...few weeks, even a few months, but it always shows up again. I'm 24, been out of college 2 years. In college I had a few bad relationships in which things went farther than I wanted, but we didnt' have sex. I ended the relationships knowing they were wrong and scared we would end up having sex. During that time, I also began to try to look up info on trying to stop masturbating...and I stumbled upon some bad websites and ended up looking at erotic stories...and anyway...so now on top of masturbation, I've been struggling with erotic stories, mostly the bondage ones, again it's not every day...but every few weeks, months, whenever I get really depressed. Which lately has been more like once a week...I'm newly married and my husband works a lot, my grandfather is on his deathbed, and we've had some financial issues and I just find myself struggling really badly. I feel horrible afterwards. I really don't want to do this, it's like I think I'm ok when I dont' have problems with it for a while, and then when I'm not expecting it, I end up reading stories and masturbating and I'm just so frustrated with the whole thing and feel so dirty. I ask for forgiveness but mostly don't feel forgiven and then get more depressed and have a hard time reading my Bible or praying...and I just don't know what to do, I'm scared I'm going to deal wiht this off and on forever. Any advice?
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mike
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Posted: Thu Sep 22nd, 2005 08:42 pm |
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Hi Newlywed -
The first step is always to find one person who you can share with, be accountable to, and pray with on an ongoing basis. I know a woman who would be willing to do this with you. If you're interested, please let me know and I'll message you her email address. Lust can't be fought and beaten in isolation. The shame you were talking about begins to lift when we stop hiding.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 02:46 pm |
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Newlywed,
Mike's input is very good. I'm a therapist and my only extra input would be to work on some of the deeper issues going on in your heart. You might be able to do this with a good friend, accountability partner or skilled therapist.
Ultimately, what I've seen is this:
All of us have this void - this utter emptiness - within our hearts and we do all sorts of things to avoid that emptiness. The feelings and thoughts about our life reality is just "too much" and so we medicate. We avoid. We stay occupied so we don't have to deal with it.
You can definitely beat this. Be encouraged and may God bless your road to healing and victory!
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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newlywed
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 02:55 pm |
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Mike & Steve
Thank you both for your advice. My husband does not want me to have an internet accountablity person...he said he will try to help me. Or I may talk with one of my girl friends. As far as deeper issues...well there's a lot going on... I only struggle with this when I'm depressed and everything else in life seems to be going wrong (which is often lately). I guess I just don't handle bad things too well. So I will try to work on things. Thank you again.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 03:46 pm |
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Your welcome. If you can find an accountability partner in your area (as opposed to an Internet-based friend), that probably would be best. Now I don't want to "play therapist" at all with you, but to me, the depression you mentioned is a red flag of deeper hurts and pains going on in your life. Hence, a good therapist in your area might be able to help you process and work through some of those issues.
The bottom line (and I say this from experience as a recovery addict myself): For most, I dare say most people who masturbate do so to avoid a very uncomfortable hurt, pain or reality. Sexual addiction is the tip of the iceberg, in my opinion ... We're a society filled with avoidance addicts!
Please let us know if we can help or encourage you anymore and definitely visit these forums again. 
-Steve
P.S. I posted some photos in the "Other Topics" forum of a recent hike near Breckenridge, Colorado and I'm hoping to get someone to reply to me. Wink wink! 
Last edited on Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 03:46 pm by Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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newlywed
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 04:12 pm |
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| Thanks again Steve for advice. I really can't afford a therepist right now...and even if I could...my husband thinks all my problems stem from lack of sleep, so he probably wouldn't want me to go anyway. But we'll see what happens in the future. Anyway, thank you.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 04:24 pm |
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Hi Newlywed...
Thanks again Steve for advice. I really can't afford a therepist right now...
I'm a therapist myself and I can tell you that many therapists will work with you and charge what you can afford if you show an earnestness to work on yourself. Don't be scared to tell a therapist that your finances are tight. If they won't reduce their fee, ask them if they know of other good counselors who they think might be willing to reduce their fee.
and even if I could...my husband thinks all my problems stem from lack of sleep, so he probably wouldn't want me to go anyway.
Well, I can tell you, at least from reading your posts in here, that lack of sleep isn't the source of your problems. I think that's pretty obvious, don't you think?
May I ask: Do you think there is a deeper reason why your husband seems opposed to you seeing a therapist? (As an example, sometimes spouses feel "threatened" in some way when their partner seeks counseling, and sadly, this seems to be true in Chrsitian cultures as well.) What do you think?
Blessings...
-Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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newlywed
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 04:45 pm |
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Steve
Yes, I know it's not lack of sleep...though it certainly doesn't help. I didn't know therapists would reduce their fees, that's good to know.
My husband just thinks there is nothing wrong with me and I'm fine. I haven't outright told him I want to see a therapist, but I have mentioned it in a round about way and he always says I'm fine and I don't need counseling. And I'd be embarrassed anyway...I'm pretty shy and prefer to keep things to myself mostly. I was just so upset yesterday, that I decided to post here--I normally wouldn't even do that. I guess I'll think more about the therapist thing and maybe talk to my husband more about it.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 08:19 pm |
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Hi Newly Wed,
Being the nosey and pushy guy I am, I've got one more comment. 
My husband just thinks there is nothing wrong with me and I'm fine. I haven't outright told him I want to see a therapist, but I have mentioned it in a round about way and he always says I'm fine and I don't need counseling.
Two thoughts/questions immediately came to mind when you said he thinks you're "fine":
1) Is your husband an "emotional anorexic"? Is he the type who is frequently in denial of his emotional experience? Does he have great difficulty identifying his feelings? Does he also have a hard time identifying with others who express their feelings?
2) Or, and I admit this is pure specultation, does your husband view pornography and/or masturbate himself? If he did, I could see why he would want you to think that you're "fine". After all, if you got help, then he would probably need to get help at some point as well. Know what I mean?
Lastly, two budget friendly ways to start your growth related to your original post.
- Find a mature and compassionate woman in your church whom you could meet with and discuss such issues.
- Read "Captivating" by Staci Eldredge. I just finished it. Great book!
Steve
Last edited on Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 08:20 pm by Steve
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newlywed
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 09:05 pm |
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Steve
Thanks for the idea of finding someone at church, kind of in the process of changing churches now, but I may do that if I find myself still struggling with this in the future.
Also it's funny you mention that book. All week I keep seeing and hearing stuff about it and keep feeling I should read it. I sat in the bookstore and read part of it yesterday...I may go ahead and buy it.
As far as your questions go...while I appreciate the advice and everything...I think I will decline to answer...I already feel wierd talking about this stuff online especially with a man. And I don't feel comfortable answering those questions about my husband knowing he wouldn't really appreciate it. But thank you anyway for trying to help.
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 09:08 pm |
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Sounds good.
Thanks for writing and let us know how things turn out if you feel comfortable sharing!
-Steve
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newlywed
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Posted: Fri Sep 23rd, 2005 09:18 pm |
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| I may do that. Thank you for understanding.
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youngmom
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Posted: Mon Sep 26th, 2005 06:05 pm |
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| HI Newlywed, I have some similar problems, feels very relieving to know there are other women out there with the same issues....and I started with just reading stories too... and it went so much further. Coming back to these boards helps me in it's own way, I find it too hard to talk to anyone about these things, not even my husband, and he is very against councelling ect, he says that I need to fix myself. Just hang in there, it DOES get better
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newlywed
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Posted: Tue Sep 27th, 2005 04:54 pm |
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Youngmom,
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm glad to see there is another woman on here too...I was starting to feel very embarrassed.
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Oct 12th, 2005 01:05 am |
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Hi Newlywed...
I certainly don't mean to be a pest, but I thought I'd ask you for an update. That is, of course, if you feel comfortable sharing.
Also, regarding the matter of embarrassment, please don't feel that way. The whole issue of sexual addiction is so prevalent in our culture and what I really appreciate about this forum is the straight no-nosense answers given to people coupled with a lot of love and grace. Know what I mean?
If it means anything the words you're reading right here are coming from a recovering 34-year-old pornography addict as well. I've been there myself! 
-Steve
Last edited on Wed Oct 12th, 2005 01:06 am by Steve
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newlywed
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Posted: Wed Oct 12th, 2005 03:55 pm |
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Steve,
Hi, I'm doing alright. I haven't read any stories since I first posted here. Struggled with wanting to though. Just having a hard time right now. My grandfather died 2 days ago. Thanks for asking.
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Oct 12th, 2005 06:08 pm |
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I'm sorry about your grandfather. Things like that are always rough.
Hang in there. I trust you're seeking out the love and support you need from those who know you!
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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