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luvmysoldiertj
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 12:53 am |
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This is my first time here. My name is Lori and im 25 years old. I have been married for going on 3 years now. My husband is in the Army and stationed at Fort Stewart, GA. He is an infanty man. We bought our house in 2004. We have to babies...one is 3 and one is 4 months. They are both female border collies  My husband is getting ready to deploy for his 3rd time in Iraq. So i've kinda got the blues!
Anyways, I dont know if I can write about my problem here or not, but im going to do it anyways..haha. The reason why I came to find this web site is because I typed in husband having webcam sex and it brought me to one other persons topic. Mine is kinda similar to her story, but here is mine. I just recently found out that my husband has a yahoo messanger account that I did not know about. I came home last friday and got on the computer and this screen name was up. He called and asked me what i wanted for dinner and i told him i wasnt hungry and told him just to get home that he was in big trouble! Anyways he comes home and I show him what im made about. The yahoo messenger had all female names and under catergories like none, nude pics, web cam. He denied being on this screen name and I told him that I have been on instant messengers since I was 16 and that if you werent on this screen name it wouldnt just pop up. Anyways he finally told me that him and some guys made this name up while they were over in Iraq the last time. He told me that he did admit that he had been on this messanger since hes been home from Iraq which has been over a year! He told me that the one time he got on is when I was made at him and went to my moms. He admited to haveing web cam sex with some of the girls! I told him it was like cheating and he begs to differ. I said you are being intimate with someone live! And on top of this im at home supporting him while he is over there and this is the way he repays me. Saturday night I flipped out. Seriously I had a nervous break down! Sunday night I wrote him a letter and explained to him how I felt. I stated that he was my husband, my leader, and my best friend and I look up to him. I told him I felt unworthy as a wife, i feel disqusted, ugly. I told him that I have been walking with my head held high because I was proud of our marriage. Now im walking with my head down. I asked him in the letter if he thought he may have an addiction. I knew that when i met him that he watched porn. He was 19 when I met him and being single and having to live in Iraq...it was understandable. I knew that he looked at the magz too. He wrote me back and told me that he was sorry and that he was going to get rid of his magz and videos and he wasnt going to get back on the web cam. I was distant from him all weekend and he stated he could not stand the way we were last weekend. So I believe that hes sorry, but I dont believe it wont happen again. My mom says that I can either live with it and deal or divorce him. I do not wish to do either so what am i suppose to do? He is getting ready to leave again in a couple of months and Im going to have to lay here every night wondering if hes going to do it. Is this something that I should learn to get over and trust my husband or am I crazy for letting this stick in the back of my head. I seriously dont know if I can deal with this. Help!!!!!!
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luvmysoldiertj
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 12:56 am |
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oh ya, one more thing!!!!...not to mention I did talk to one of the girls that he has spoken to. She states that they did nothing but talk and I asked her if he told her he was married and she stated she asked him several times and he never gave her an answer. So now I feel that hes not even proud to be married. I asked him about that and he says "oh ya im going to tell them that im married"...im like ok well there getting naked on the web cam and being cheap...so what makes you think they care if your married?????
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Barb
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 05:08 pm |
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Dear luvyoursoldier
I know that this time with your husband being deployed so many times is very difficult-I've been through it myself. Hang in there and stay busy-probably won't be a problem w/ 2 young babies.
I want to address you on this issue of your husband. First and foremost do not be deceived by lies. WEbcam sex, porn viewing, smut mags --all of it is in violation of the marriage covenant that you both entered into. Matt 5:27, 28 states,
You have heard that it was said, "YOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY'; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
Your husband has in every instance violated your marriage. This sounds distinctly like a sexual addiction problem. Addicts live in denial until the are confronted with the truth. They tell lies to cover their tracks, they use every justification under the sun to continue in the sin and addiction. If you continue to live in denial, it will only get worse.
I would recommend arming yourself with knowledge regarding this addiction. Mike Genung has written a book called The Road to Grace: http://www.roadtograce.com that could provide you with some much needed insight into this addiction. I would recommend reading this as well as other books.
My prayer for you is that you will not blame yourself for his behavior nor stick your head in the sand and pretend there is not a problem and it will just go away. It never goes away -until the head of the serpent is severed!!
In His Mercy
Barb
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luvmysoldiertj
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 05:52 pm |
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| Thank you Barb! I have found alot of info from the blazinggraze website. I have printed out some articles and gave them to him this morning when he left for work. I also emailed him again letting him know that I dont think that I can get over this so quickly. Also I told him that I was going to talk to someone and I suggested that for the sake of our marriage that he would speak to the chaplin before he leaves and continue to speak with him over in Iraq. I also sent him the verse from matthews. I asked him how that made him feel and he said that he was going to go to hell. I told him no, that people make mistakes and that he needs to ask god for forgiveness. If he truley believes that he has commited this sin then he needs to ask for forgiveness. So I think by me sending him the articles and trying to discuss it openly with him that maybe he will deep down believe that what he has done is wrong. I really just want to get past this while hes in Iraq. I already feel that I am being distant from him since the incident and he says that he has noticed. I really dont want this to ruin our marriage and I have stated that I will work through anything that comes our way except for him cheating. I do believe that what he is doing is a form of cheating and yes that is what the verse from matthes 5:27 states. Do you think that I should continue to work with him and educate him on addiction and not give up? My heart is torn in two...each side wanting to do something different. See like I said I knew when I met him that he watched porn. We have been married for almost 3 years and well he has watched it since weve been married, but of course I am not home. I never got mad at him for doing it because I knew he did it when I met him and he has always been honest about it. I never looked at it as an addiction until I found out about the web cam and him doing it while over in Iraq. I am so devestated over this and I dont know what to do. I know that this is not my fault. I know that he does this not because hes lacking something from me. I know that this is a problem having to do with him and its one that he needs to reconize and do what he needs to do to fix it. I just really cant stop thinking about it and again I am just stuck on what I should do. If im already feeling distant becuase of the fact, then whats going to happen when he goes off to Iraq? Thank you so much for writing! Last edited on Fri Mar 30th, 2007 05:55 pm by luvmysoldiertj
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Barb
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 06:40 pm |
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Dear luvmysoldier
There is always hope for any marriage, which has been devastated by this addiction, to be restored to wholeness.
Discovery is so hard and devastating-I know. This is just the beginning for you both. He must work very hard to free himself from the snare of this addiction. It will not be any easy nor a short term process. It could take years. During this process, he must address his issues, his need for the addiction. He will need accountabilty with of other men. While he certainly is accountable to you for all of this, I would not recommend that you be his accountability partner. It's not fair to you,nor will he be able to share openly about his feelings and failures.
The chaplain is a good start, however most do not have the needed training nor the experience in this area, nor do they have the time to dedicate for caring for just one soldier.I would recommend finding a good, Godly trained sexual addiction counselor in your area., both for him and for you. I might be able to help you find a counselor and/or group in the Savannh area. Let me know if you would like me to do this.You can private message me if you would prefer.
I will warn you up front, your feelings about this will not just disappear over the year he is going. This can take years, the betrayal is very deep, the emotions run very deep. It will be a long and at times painful process to work through. Be encouraged-it can be done by the very grace of God.
Embrace yourself with a few Godly women to pray with you and for you. Are you involved in a church, bible study etc? Do you live close to post? There is a wonderful wives organization called PWOC-Protestant Women of the Chapel. I would check them out for bible study and support. I can find out when and where they meet if you like, most offer free daycare as well. Let me know.
Barb
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luvmysoldiertj
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 06:56 pm |
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| Hey! I would love for you to send me the info regarding someone in my area. I would love that. I am going to go to the hospital today and see if I can talk to someone there. Also, I am not active in the church. I have accepted jesus christ in my heart and have asked him to forgive me for my sins and I pray to him. I know that this is something that i need to focus on. They are building a huge church on post. I am looking forward to the finish of the church because this is somewhere I would like to start going. If there is any info you can give me on where to go or who to talk to please do. Thank you again so much for your replys. It really does help to talk to someone. Thanks!
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Barb
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 07:33 pm |
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Dear luvmysoldier
I was not able to find one specifically for the Ft. Stewart/Savannah area, however I would encourage to try this counseling minstries. New Life Ministries has a wealth of support group listings as well as counselors.
Also PWOC meets at Vale Chapel-call the post operator for the number to the chapel, they should be able to tell you the day and give you someone's number to call for additional info.
National Counseling Ministries:
Healing for the Soul | Jayson Graves
1.877.590.SOUL
New Life Ministries -http://www.newlife.com
1.800.NEW.LIFE
Focus on the Family
1.800.A.FAMILY
http://www.menspuritygroups.org/ (another group to check out )
Finally, it is imperative that you get your relationship with Christ our Savior going in the right direction. He alone is the only one who can save and bring us back to the point of restoration and redemption. Has your husband accepted Christ as his savior? My prayer is for him to do so if he has not.
I hope this info helps. Let me know what else I can do.
Barb
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luvmysoldiertj
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 10:41 pm |
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| Hey Barb!!! Thank you so much!!!! You have helped me out alot!!
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Jrry
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Posted: Sun Apr 1st, 2007 03:20 am |
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also, try typing in your serach engine,
Celebrate Recovery
Churches sponsor these meetings on selected nights. CR has support groups for all kinds of issues along with fellowship.
God bless,
____________________
Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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