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forthelord33
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 01:18 am |
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I'm Marc, a 47 year old sex and love addict. I have a wonderful wife and a lovely daughter. I accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and savior, back in October, 2006, a few days after my wife demanded answers about a "myspace" account that I had accidentally allowed her to discover....and I could no longer lie to her. What I essentially dumped on her that night, and expanded upon at later times, was how I had been unfaithful to her during our entire marriage, how I had spent thousands and thousands of dollars on prostitutes. How I had lied to her over and over again, objectifying her as the "bitch" so I could somehow justify my selfish addiction. How I saw her as unattractive and "believed" that we were sexually incompatible and how I stopped having sex with her, about a year into our marriage, when our daughter was born. How I had become an expert on all the internet escort sites and actually fell in "love" with one particular prostitute, who I brought on 3 business trips. I brought others on trips as well. The majority of the prostitution experiences were let downs and they kept getting worse. The Lord was trying to show me his love but I did not listen. I then "graduated" to myspace and met a young woman from my area, who was not a prostitute but was clearly another sex and love addict. How I fell in love with that woman, took her on trips, bought her gifts and was even planning to leave my 13 year marriage for this woman. This woman who clearly told me she was sleeping with 5 other men at the same time, and was always planning to go back to her previous boyfriend. How I had frequent unsafe sex with this woman and unsafe sex on one occasion with a prostitute. How I forced my family to always have to live so cheaply, never buying my wife gifts, never doing anything special for her, pissing away loan money that was supposed to go to the kitchen that I had promised her. How it always bugged her that I made a good living but for some reason, we barely had enough to pay the bills.
This brutal disclosure took place from 11pm-5:30am and my wife then told me to leave the house, starting our separation. In the course of past 5 months, I witnessed how profoundly hurt my wife was by my selfish, sinful behaviors. All the memories she had of our 13 year marriage were essentially destroyed. All the hurts she had experienced from past relationships and her family of origin, came back to haunt her and combined with the brutal reality of what I had done, her spirit was almost destroyed. We had been home schooling our daughter and my wife was so emotionally overloaded that my daughter was neglected. Throughout this time, I maintained regular visitation with my daughter and spoke with my wife more honestly then I ever had before. My addictive behaviors had also taken a toll on my work as I had neglected profound amounts of paperwork. I started seeing a male PhD who had expertise in treating addictions, including sex and love addictions. I went to a few SLAA meetings. Most importantly, I grabbed onto the Lord as tightly as possible. A few days after the separation, the Lord spoke through my wife, when she told me that I "was going to hell." She had become active in a local non-denominational Christian church but I had refused to go with her. Well, shortly after the separation, I went alone to a service at that church and was saved. My wife justifiably did not want me to attend the same church, during our separation so my wife guided me to speak with an old friend of hers who was active in another church. This man has become my big brother in Christ and we play music together in the praise and worship ministry. One evening, early on in the separation, I helped keep a man from jumping of a bridge. I know that the Lord was telling me that it could of been me on that bridge. I have been clean since the separation.No prostitutes, no myspace or other sinful websites, no staring down, (lusting) after other women, being as honest as I can, being very accountable all the time, always being where I should be. While I keep a room available at a male friend's house, I have been living at home for the past two months. My relationship with my wife is slowly healing and by the grace of god, she is not divorcing me. She has full knowledge of all credit card accounts, bank account and I turned over a large chunk of savings that was in my name, to her. I do not have access to that money. I am attempting to provide her with a full financial disclose of all the money I spent on prostitutes and non prostitute "girlfriends." It has been very difficult to complete as I left my financial paperwork at home in a giant mess, which I have had to slowly organize and prepare for 2006 taxes. We have a licensed marriage therapist who is a Christian, who should be helpful to us. I have made it crystal clear to her, our financial adviser, some friends and some family, that if she wants a divorce, I will give her all of my money and not fight her on anything. My daughter does not know the specifics but is angry and largely takes it out on my wife. We have found her a good therapist as well but none of this is easy. My wife is a woman of great courage. I have been able to really listen to her and be with her in her anger. I never chose to do that before. I have been backing her on her parental decisions/directives and that has helped her to have some hope for our marriage. I have been doing my best to show her the Love that I always denied her. She was the first to tell me that I was a sex addict. She was the one that discovered this website. While reading the SLAA "bigbook" was really helpful for me, I have found fellowship with other Christian sex addicts, through this website to be more helpful then the SLAA meeting that I attended. I will be regularly meeting with a few men at my church who know about my addictions and praying with them, one morning per week. This is in addition to service and praise and worship ministry practice. My wife and I have planned our first family trip since the separation and will also be attending a "weekend to remember" marriage conference. I anticipate that when I finally give her the complete financial disclosure, things will get very rocky again but I have strong hope that the Lord wants me to stay clean and wants our marriage to remain intact. Kindly pray vigorously for my continued obedience to Jesus Christ, my staying clean, my continued honesty and expressed love to my wife and daughter, my ability to keep up with my work and finish my financial disclosure to my wife. Join me in my prayers to the lord, asking him to bring his divine intervention to other sex addicts and there loved ones. Pray that the Lord brings salvation to prostitutes and their families. Pray that the Lord brings an end to this "oldest profession" that destroys families. Pray for the women enslaved in the Asian massage parlors. I supported such places. Pray that I don't cause my loving wife and daughter anymore pain. Recently a fellow employee was fired for acting out sexually on the computers at work. By the grace of God go I. The Lord is telling me that I could of been me. Yes, I have urges to act out but I shut them down. I'm still living like a "junky" as it's still slow going for me at work so I don't get home very early and don't often get much sleep. This will/must change. Both my wife and I had STD testing just after the separation and we were both clean. We have been sexual during the separation and it's like the devil's veil has been lifted from my eyes. I see my wife for whom she really is, not the unlovable bitch that I created her to be. I did selfishly have unsafe sex with my wife on a few occasions but this has stopped as well. We will test again in the next few weeks and I pray that the Lord will keep us clean. I continue to pray that the devil will not get a foot hold on my soul again. Of course there is so much more to tell but I thank the Lord our God for the miracles he has created in my life. The Lord wants nothing more then for all of his children to live abundantly as part of his body. I pray universally to all of you that the lord brings to blazing grace. May the Lord work through these forums to bring healing, grace and the outcomes of his choice to all who seek him.
Marc
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TimM
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 02:23 am |
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Marc,
Thank you for a stupendously honest introduction. There's an awful lot there that fits the emotional experience of my own life. I'm a little older than you, have a few more kids, acted out in different ways, and have found SLAA a more central part of my recovery than you have, but the pattern of isolation and despair in our lives and the hope I see now as my wife and I work to build the relationship we never had are the same.
Keep coming back and sharing, and thanks for a very moving piece of experince, strength and hope.
Tim M.
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forthelord33
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 02:44 am |
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Thank you brother.
I thank the Lord and my wife for my courage and desire to be honest.
We are all individual pieces of fabric, woven into a quilt of sexual sin and salvation, stained by the blood of Christ. Only Jesus can bear fruit from the lands that our selfish pursuits, left barren.
God bless,
Marc
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 03:19 am |
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Marc, I praise God for the work he is doing in your heart and home. Thank you for such transparency in your sharing.
Praying for all three of you...
TruthSeeker
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sun Mar 25th, 2007 08:14 pm |
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Marc, thanks for sharing your moving testimony. I and no doubt many others here at Blazinggrace will be joining you in praying for your "continued obedience to Jesus Christ, staying clean, continued honesty" and expression of love to your wife and daughter. Also praying that you keep up with your work load and complete the financial disclosure documents for your wife. Praise God your wife has found it in her heart to forgive you. God bless you and your wife and family and heal all your wounds.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 11:16 pm by guitarist63
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gaylon
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 03:36 pm |
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Definitely praying for you... You are a courageous man, and Christ is doing a marvelous work in you... Hang in there!
--- Gaylon V.
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Jrry
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Posted: Sun Apr 1st, 2007 03:39 am |
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Marc,
What a wonderful testimony of an accelerated recovery. Many who go down the path of recovery look for short-cuts, loop holes and excuses to minimize their behavior and blame their problems on other influences. You, my friend (and brother), have looked your addiction squarely in face and put your whole life on the line for yourself, God and your family. I commend you!
I too found SLAA 12 years ago (March 17, 1995 was my first meeting). I immediately met five Christian men who had similar stories like mine (expelled from their ministry)! One of them is still my sponsor to this day! I stay in touch with the many men I have met through our local 12step meetings.
Like our forum founder, Mike, we have started a support group for Christian men who struggle with sexual sin.
You can visit our website below to find out if there is a meeting in your city.
Congratulations and God bless,
____________________
Jerry, Facilitator for Faithful & True
Celebrating 10 years of Support Groups in Jacksonville
http://www.southpointbaptist.org/psalm51.htm
(904) 443-0246 [recorded message]
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forthelord47
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Posted: Sat Apr 7th, 2007 03:08 pm |
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Hi,
It's me, Marc, with a new member ID, as my previous ID, forthelord33, ran into big problems. Well, I have remained clean but have been staying out of the house again. My wife is really feeling profound hurt again. On the phone last night, she says that she can't help but feeling like "leftovers." She dwells on the reality that throughout our entire 16 year relationship, I never was really attracted to her, and am only trying to preserve our marriage, after being rejected by the last young woman, "M" that I committed adultery with. She knows that I was actually thinking of leaving our marriage for this other woman and also knows that I fell in "love" with at least two other prostitutes, before meeting "M" She knows that I treated these women, and others with the passion that should of been directed to only her, but really never was. Since my wife and I became separated in early October, 2006, and I was saved, it was like a veil was lifted from my eyes, and I saw.......really felt and saw, the beauty of my wife, that I had rejected, so long ago. While I have taken responsibility for all the hurt I have caused her, I still cannot believe how I completely distorted who she was to me. I cast her in my mind as an unattractive bitch, which truly allowed me to "justify" my pursuit of "real love" via prostitutes and myspace.
Last Sunday, I made a very poor choice and other events, later in the day, really discouraged my wife. My wife and I go to separate churches these days and our services had let out around the same time. I'm now drumming in the praise and worship ministry at my church and I left the servive feeling really filled with the spirit of the lord. My wife had dropped my daughter off at a birthday party and called me from home. While she knew that I had planned to go into work, she suggested that I come home and rest and go into work later. I quickly pictured the joy of taking her to the beach and holding her in my arms, passing a few hours, before my daughter had to be picked up. Well, fear/selfishness took over and I told her that I had to get to work and "do the charts" while I still had the energy. I was afraid that if I came home for the rest of the afternoon, then I would be too tired to get much done that evening. As is typical of my "stinkin' thinkin," I told her that I would crank out the work for a 4 hour stretch and get home at a decent hour. It's crazy but in the moment I really believed that and totally minimized the amount of catching up that I had to do. She had plans to go to a ballroom dance lesson that evening, which she loves and has dropped my daughter off to me at the office, on many past Sunday's when I have been catching up. So, I went to work, not really appreciating how that decision made my wife really feel, that despite my being clean, she would never be my priority. Later that day, my 12 year old daughter was with my wife in our Bunny house. It's actually a playhouse that a friend built for our daughter when she was real young and it now houses a sweet mini-rex bunny. Anyway, my daughter leaves to go into the house and accidentally locks my wife in the Bunny house. My daughter went in and took a tub, then read and was so absorbed in herself that she never wondered where Mommy was. Finally, she heard my wife yelling....after my wife had been in the shed for two hours. Of course, I had been so absorbed in my work, that I was still at my office working, well beyond the 4 hour limit, I had told her about. I was trying to call home, numerous times but only got the answering machine. They don't have cell phones so I assumed they had gone out together. When my wife finally calls, I was in the middle of a dictation, so I had to call her write back. When I called back, I get my daughter who tells me the story and how hurt and angry my wife is about the whole situation. I then get my wife on the phone who was so hurt and felt so forgotten. She had missed her dance night and the two hours of forced solitude gave her much time to think about all the neglect and hurt I had caused her. So, she remains very, very discouraged today. Last week, we had thought that this weekend would be the first time we attended church together, since the separation. We even thought I would come to Easter dinner at her sister's house. I had even offered up tonight as a "date" night, at the suggestion of our marriage counselor, but none of this looks like it will come to fruition. She is so hurt and all of this does challenge my faith to just give all this to the Lord, believing that the Lord wants nothing more then the complete restoration of our marriage. With that in mind, I will sign off now and pray for the Lord's ongoing blessing for our marriage and to ask that he eases my wife's pain.
God bless you all,
Marc
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Apr 7th, 2007 11:57 pm |
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Hi Marc,
That is a difficult course of events, indeed. The greater tragedy, though, would be if you do not take this lesson to heart. If knowing what makes her feel cherished is not intuitive for you, ask her to make a list of as many things as she can think of to guide you, and not to hesitate to remind you, in love, when you are getting your priorities up-side-down. I don't know what type of work you do, and thus cannot know the urgency of "catching up", but unless it would cost you your job,...
Here's hoping that your date night still went as scheduled, and that your Easter is blessed.
TruthSeeker
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 12:26 am |
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Forthelord47, praying that you have a swift resolution to your latest series of crises. It's good to remember Psalm 23 at such times to remind ourselves that in times of peace or trouble, the Lord is constant and faithful to us, never forsaking us. I pray He is your guide and strength over Easter and beyond.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 11:18 pm by guitarist63
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forthelord33
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Posted: Sun Apr 8th, 2007 08:56 pm |
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Thanks for the feedback.
My wife has remained distant this week. The date night did not work out last night. She did not want to be with me. I was also not invited to Easter dinner at her sister's house. My wife says that it's not her nature to want to hurt me but she must not allow herself to get sucked in again by me. This is true as she is a very selfless and loving woman. She is not the problem, here. This morning I was going to second service at my church. Left myself enough time to shower at the gym. My wife called and continued to make it clear that she has nothing but pain, as memories of our marriage. She felt bad for me and asked if I wanted to come to Easter dinner but I told her that I did not want to continue to inflict pain on her and I could not fake feeling good, it in front of her family. If I looked glum they would somehow think it was her fault and I did not want that either. She does not believe that I ever loved her, and my legacy of behavior, both before and after our marriage, seems to show that I never did. She compares the way that I treated her forever with the obsessive attention that I gave to the many prostitute's that I saw and more recently the woman from Myspace. She tells me that it was do easy for me to give up anything for them. I tell her that it was a very "sick" kind of "love," I had for those women. It was a "love" that caused me to completely discard all my real responsibilities, neglect those who really love me, put myself in great danger....this is not Love. I believe that true love is born of honesty, devotion to Jesus, righteous living. After getting off the phone, I locked my keys in my car, with just my church clothes and toilet items in my hand. I was still able to shower but missed church. Then waited for two hours in the lobby of a restaurant, for my wife to bring my a key. She brought the key, along with a cd of the sermon that she heard this morning at her church. I had to hold myself back from going into hysterical crying as I did not want her to feel sorry for me and get "sucked in." Plus, my daughter was in the car, waiting to go to eat. She called again about one hour ago, wanting my to come to dinner, feeling bad for me. Again, I told her that I cannot play on her sympathies as she continues to tell me that she has not seen enough change in me during the last 6 months of our separation. I think about the stages of grief that Jrry has adapted to recovery from sex addiction and I really believe that I have been doing the best I can..and that includes making mistakes.
I work as a physician and I struggle with ADHD. I supposed to have a medical assistant but the agency has to fire my last one and is not offering enough money to attract a decent candidate. So, the paperwork has continued to be difficult for me and I'm doing more then one job. Plus, my office is being relocated next week and I had to get taxes organized this week. We also lost power for 24 hours. A tough week but God has been with me. All day my feelings of depression and despair have greatly intensified. I have been praying but it's feeling forced and not as natural. I've only been saved for 6 months so I trust that the Lord knows that I'm doing the best I can. I played drums for a small church last night and that did bring up my spirits. Of course, this was after I knew there was not going to be a date night. So, I will pray for the strength to keep strong in the truth of God. I will continue to believe that the Lord is my light and my stronghold. I will continue to believe in miracles. So, I'm at our house and must push myself to go out and cut a bunch of large branches that fell during the storm. My brain is going so slow but being able to focus on something physical should be good. Before I go, I will read psalm 23 that brother Steve offered up to me.
God bless,
Marc
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forthelord47
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Posted: Mon Apr 9th, 2007 03:54 am |
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Jesus is merciful. Spending the afternoon cutting the fallen branches was just what I needed. Sometimes moving the body when the spirit and the mind feel stuck, really works for me. Beautiful, crisp Maine day. My wife and daughter came back to the house around 4pm. My wife appreciated the hard work that I had done, gave me a hug and joined me for a few hours of yard work. The yard work concluded with us both on our backs in the snow, her head on my shoulder. The clouds were moving fast along the blue sky. We all enjoyed a nice meal then it was me against my daughter in the hunt for the cadburry eggs. My daughter won, despite my best efforts. She's 12 now and I no longer need to cut her any slack. She also destroyed me in chess last night. At dinner we made small talk, (big to me) about a planned family trip we have to Boston in two weeks. Lastly, my wife just told me that she did not want me sleeping at the place where I'm renting a room tonight. While the future of our marriage remains uncertain, I thank our sweet God for the miraculous gifts that he brought today.
In repentance and wonder,
Marc
Last edited on Mon Apr 9th, 2007 03:58 am by forthelord47
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Apr 9th, 2007 12:37 pm |
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Hi Marc,
He is risen, and awesome, indeed! I rejoice with you in His mercies yesterday.
I'm praying that God will see you through the stresses in your work, bring just the right office help you need, (how about a believer?), and continue to work in your family.
TruthSeeker
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Apr 10th, 2007 08:39 pm |
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Praise the Lord, Marc! Awesome answer to prayer! Continuing to lift you and your family to God.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 11:18 pm by guitarist63
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