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psalm25
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Posted: Mon Feb 26th, 2007 07:46 pm |
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Wow, where to start on an Intro. My husband is a SA/PA, he's had this affliction since his teens, was s-abused by his father as a child.
When I met my husband he was a highly motivated master spinner of lies and deceit. Within a year I found out who he really was. I had suspicions, yet didn't have proof or hard facts for a confrontation. He had begun to show me a seriously selfish side of himself, and during sex he would make excuses for why he couldn't perform or he would blame me. He also couldn't hold a job for long, seems he would always end up on a fight with the boss.
He called me at work and needed me to drive him a great distance for another job... I had just worked a 16 hr day at hard labor, but he just had to be there tomorrow, for one I didn't even know he was doing this...... but I came home, picked him up, didn't even shower as we had to travel 800 miles. When we arrived at the destination, we went to dinner, during dinner he kept his eyes on a woman seated next to us, then outloud he said "I'm a loser". He didn't even know he had said it. Suffice to day, our dinner was over. I left him, and didn't even care that I was in no condition to drive, I was so hurt and betrayed.
I went home and went through his stuff, computer history, bills, everything. That is when I found the charges on his credit cards to all things porn..... I confronted him by telling him he was gone. He had been struggling financially living off my earnings and give me excuses for his struggles. He promised me it would stop. I knew it didn't, but I wanted to believe that he was trying. I ended up quitting my job so I could travel with my husband in his job (truck driver) and hold him accountable.
It worked somewhat, but he was still manipulating, lying and deceiving me. He actually even left the truck while I was sleeping to meet a woman in the parking lot who had left a note on our truck..... I woke up to find his ring on the floor.....
18 months after quitting my job and working with my husband as a truck driver, my husband was called to deploy to Iraq with the Army Reserves, this was the worst thing that could have happened, it was like an open invitation to return to his lust with a vengence. He came home for R&R with over 60GB (yes GB) of porn on his computer, and I'm sure you can hear the lies, the blame on others, not his fault, no he didn't cheat on me.... etc, etc, etc.........
I want to admit to everyone here who reads this, I had my hand on the gun, all night, I fought that hand and only with God's hand holding mine, I would have shot my husband, I was so tired, so hurt, so betrayed, so disgusted, so depressed. I found this 16 hours before he was to return to Iraq, during his time at home he was distant, grouchy, and I assumed combat stress (giving the benefit of the doubt) my heart told me otherwise....... sex twice in 16 days...... should have been the biggest clue........ I also admit deceiving myself, to avoid the consummate hurt of 100% acknowledgement. You should have heard him lie, for 9-10 hours, then he wanted sex, that is what blew my mind enough for my hand to pick up the gun.
I drove him to the airport, not one word from me, he tried, I dropped him off and left, consumed with hate, anger, despair, and revenge. God stayed my hand and I am greatful. God had another lesson to teach me for understanding, 3 weeks later my ex brother in law was shot in the back by his girlfriend in Nevada on Valentines Day, she didn't have anyone to hold her hand back.
I found this site while looking for answers, I found many sites, I kept being drawn back to Blazing Grace, reading and reading everything and then finally calling. I ordered the book "Road to Grace" for myself, and my husband of which I had sent to Iraq.
My husbands emails were like nothing happened, that we'd be fine and he'd go this alone, that he would contact the Chaplain when he could, he could beat it, I only could quote scriptures to him, I couldn' talk to him. I sent him 1 Corinthians 5:9-11. I can't tell you why, but this scripture opened my husbands eyes, it made him cry, he went to the Chaplain, he quit making excuses. On Feb 16, he accepted Christ as his savior, he began to work with the Chaplain and is working the program "Pure Intimacy", I also ordered him "Every Soldiers Battle Kit" which does have Every Man's Battle in it. He wants to work on his addiction, he wants to stop.
There are several problems for US. In Iraq, there is a lack of proper support, this lays on the back of the Chaplain who is spread thin as it is with 400 soldiers to care for, the Chaplain is my husbands accountability partner. The stress of combat and what my husband does (route clearance) is a factor in remaining P&M free, I feel he is alone over there and in definite need of prayer, but also email accountability partners if possible. My husband and I will be apart 6 more months, it's difficult to deal with our issues when seperated like this, communication is not great. I still feel like he is lying and trying to deceive me. I felt that when the Chaplain contacted me that it was a ruse, until the Chaplain sent me a picture of himself in full battle gear and his Chaplain patch as clear as day. I did not tell my husband I suspected the Chaplain was a phony nor did I tell the Chaplain, God sent me the truth.
I am seeking counseling, was referred to a Christian Counselor with a SA/PA addiction treatment background. He is booked up for 3+ months...... but will take people who are in significant distress (hand on gun - good enough?).
Sorry for such a long intro (paragraphs for easier reading), how do you cover so much in such a short space? This is only excerpts of our life...... Thanks for listening, glad to be here.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Feb 26th, 2007 11:20 pm |
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Hi Psalm25,
Praying for both of you...
TruthSeeker
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APR
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 07:23 pm |
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I will be praying for both of you as well
God Bless
Art
____________________
I am the way and truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through Me.
-John 14:6
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psalm25
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 02:51 am |
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| Thank you Truthseeker and APR. Prayers are greatly needed.
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P2J
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Posted: Wed Mar 7th, 2007 03:29 am |
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Hi Psalm25,
May I ask what the nature of the abuse was that he suffered? Was he victimized in a sexual way or was the abuse physical beatings and emotional outbursts of rage and anger over say some aspect of his childish irresponsibility?
In the Buxton transcript an example is presented where the shame of sexuality is transmitted by a parent to a child by never talking about it (sex). In my case however, (from about 5 to 8 years old) my childish curiosity in the sensuality of private parts caused my parents to go ballistic whenever I had been discovered exploring those matters with other children - girls and boys.
My mother would be furious and strike me on the head with her hand, then utter threats of what would happen when my father arrived home. I would be litterally quaking in fear for hours and then, when he did arrive he would also be furious, take off his belt and whip my legs say 5 or 6 times or until he figured I would never do it again and then stomp off in disgust. And it didn't stop there because I can't ever remember any attempt on their part to re-establish the "I love you" part of the relationship.
My childish sexuality was in effect squashed like a bug on the footpath. Ultimately I became convinced by about 9yo that anything to do with my privates was disgusting and shameful. At 11yo a boy at school told me that adults "do it". I knew what "it" was but I thought that was what only dirty little kids did and eventually grew out of. It made me feel sick to think of adults doing it. I did not know that the revulsion that my parents had created in me was setting me up for a massive personality split during puberty. More of that in the B_T.
Forgive me for going into such detail but I have not seen other testimonies where children have been physically punished and emotionally tortured over their developing sexuality. And the irony is that it was done by parents who kept dirty mags under their bed.
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