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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | Maine USA |
| Posts: | 41 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 02:48 pm |
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| I had posted this in the women's section... but thought I would post here also... I think to walk through some fears... I've read alot of postings on this site... I was origially looking for a women's only site... I guess because I have some mistrust in my heart towards men... But I have to say reading on this site has opened my eyes and my heart to your hearts gentlemen... I thank you for the love, concern and humblness I see here... I think I feel safe here... TruthSeeker, thank you for the prayers... I am 46 years old, married 22 years... I have come a long way... I've accomplished much in and with the Lord these past three years... I'll try to be brief but I will share my story... my early childhood was surrounded by alcohol, parties, fights, beatings... when I was 9 & 10 years of age I was sexually abused by a live-in uncle... he flooded me with porn/masterbation/among other things I don't need to get into... many things a nine year old child was not prepared to handle... that went on for about 10 months... We moved, he moved out, the abuse stopped... but I became obsessed with porn/masturbation as a teenager... sometimes 4 or 5 times a day... at 17 I left home, joined the army, first time I had consensual sex I became pregant... scared and alone I chose to abort... my child died, and I died also... one month later I was raped... I became totally numb to life... turned to drugs/alcohol/sex to ease my pain... alot of empty one night stands... I feel like I lost "me"... In the midst of that I became pregnant again... I aborted my child again... I remember leaving the clinic in a taxi... staring out the window in a daze praying "Lord, I so want to do right but I can't"... I received orders to go to Germany... upon arriving God surrounded me with Christians... good, Godly people and within 3 months I was saved... I found the love of my soul... and have never turned back... but as a single christian adult woman I still struggled with masturbation/porn... a few years later I met and married my husband... a Godly man... but even after marriage I was surprised to still be struggling so with masturbation... he didn't know at the beginning... I felt so little of myself, so insecure of even him loving me, that I could never bring myself to tell him... I served the Lord as best I could, I've loved Him so... but I had this dark secret... the battles became fewer and farther between as I grew in the Lord... but they always managed to come around again... I served the Lord faithfully in my church home... was worship leader for 15 years... in 1999 God sat me down... then began a season of healing my broken heart... I hit bottom, depression, anger out of control, hurting the people I loved the most... but for the first time I began to see myself... In 2004 I finally sought counseling... I went through post abortive counseling 5 months... took a break then began 6 months of counseling facing my child sexual abuse... was okay for a few months after... then started having flashbacks of the rape I went through... so I had to face that... and I have... God has healed so much... and I've written three songs through all of this... My husband... has been so, so patient with me... giving me the space and support I needed to work through these issues and heal... He's a good listener if I'm not "angry"... and now I have a counselor who has challenged my heart and attitude about sex... and she sensed things out of focus and asked me if I ever considered sexual addiction... no I hadn't.. I researched and I saw myself... I was angry... My battle has been why do I go there when I'm content in my marriage... my counselor suggested abstinence for a while... I have found it to be so, so difficult... and I'm just realizing how this has controlled most of my life... that this really is a problem... and yes my husband knows... he's hurting... he's hurt alot these past 22 years living with a defensive, angry woman who was working so hard to protect herself... I wasn't free to love and be loved behind my walls... For the first time in my life there are no more secrets... just much temptations that i don't know if I can handle sometimes... Last night I slipped... or a better word is I sinned... I viewed some porn on PPV... a few minutes worth... but I felt sick... and I'm sorry... I know it is a choice everyday... but sometimes it is so, so difficult to get through that day... and that is where I'm at.... thanks for listening... feel free to ask me anything... like I said no more secrets... and I'm willing to do anything to be free... Diane
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guitarist63
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| Joined: | Mon Feb 12th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 11:42 pm |
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Welcome, Diane. My heart goes out to you and I'll pray for you. I am sure you'll receive a lot of help and prayers here. I pray God completely heals you, pours his blessings on you and hold you in his loving arms always. Stephen.
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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | Maine USA |
| Posts: | 41 |
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 04:24 am |
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| Stephen, I appreciate and covet those prayers... thank you... through it all I'm in the best place I've ever been in my whole life... God has truly been faithful... I think I just finally have to let go of the things I've held on to or turned to all my life... my safety net, my comfort zone, my escape and run into His presence and completely trust Him with my heart... I had a friend put it this way... "you are hanging from a branch and God is telling you to let go... and you hold on with everything you've got for fear... and you are only 2 feet from the ground"... So... to let go... again thanks for the prayers... Diane
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 12:31 am |
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Diane, I think you're well on the road to complete healing from the past and your addiction. It's good that your heart is right where it should be. I'll keep praying. Remember that the Lord will make it up to you for what you've been through and he loves you and wants you always to approach Him knowing you have complete forgiveness for your addiction and comfort and security in Him. He want's to see you blossom and grow, like a beautiful flower in the desert. Stephen.
Last edited on Sat Mar 22nd, 2008 11:39 pm by guitarist63
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