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dan
Member
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Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2006 04:30 pm |
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Hi -thanks for checking in on me...
I've been pronography free for 16 days but I did have a stumble yesterday morning. I showed up at my fiancee's place early in the AM and she was still in bed so I laid down with her--Fully clothed..she was rubbing up against me as we snuggled for a while..when she got up to take a shower..I stayed in the bed and I couldn't help myself, I don't know how it happened --I barely started and it was over...Like I coudn't control it or something...
According to the SA meeting I attended 2 weeks ago--that means I haven't been completely "Sober". So I guess I have to start from scratch now...
I was really depressed about it for a while and considered just giving in when I was on the internet last night, especially since it felt so good. But I was able to hold off thanks to amazinggrace. When I find myself ready to look around on the internet I just come to the site first and read some of the postings.
I was searching for a file on my computer last week and I came across an image in my "Temporary Internet Files" folder. It took me completely by surprise but it was the only porn image I've seen for 16 days. My heart starting racing and I got this "scared" feeling all of a sudden, it was really strange--and I quickly closed the file.. I need to clean this computer up.
I've been in contact with a potential "cyber" accountability partner here on the site so I'm hoping that will improve things. I'm by myself right now and holding strong, I just got back from church...
THANKS FOR THE PRAYERS--I NEED THEM!!!
Dan
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captivated
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| Joined: | Thu Oct 20th, 2005 |
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Posted: Sun Feb 19th, 2006 05:12 pm |
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....and thanks for the update....you and your fiancee' have my prayers.....oh and not to sound harsh, but....uh....stay out of bed until you are wed....no rhyme intended and said in love to you both...it just sets you up to think and feel things you don't want to have to be challenged with right now, but I think you've realized that. Keep doing the really good things you are doing, including cleaning up that computer. If your fiancee' finds that stuff, it will hurt her heart to see it there and cause further distrust. Do you guys have a wedding date officially set still?
Prayerfully,
captivated
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dan
Member
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Posted: Tue Feb 21st, 2006 08:35 pm |
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Hi,
The wedding day is officially set for March 11th. Fell off the sobriety wagon again today. I don't know what happened....I was alone for one thing, and all my projects are finished. Everything was going fine and then my imagination started getting to me.
I didn't actually look at any porn...(well, one partial image)..but I started listening in on a fantasy chat room. I didn't even know that would appeal to me so much. I thought I could just listen in a little and control it, but then it got out of control...I kept thinking, this is "less" sinful than porn. God gave me an imagination, didn't he? I'm not hurting anyone by chatting. But then when it was all over I felt the same shame and dissappointment. Is this ever going to end? That's the longest I've ever gone without falling 15 days or so.
I'm starting all over again today. And I'm not missing the SA meeting tonight like I did last week..
I CAN USE LOTS OF PRAYER RIGHT NOW!!! And I'm praying for all of you too.
Thanks!!
Dan
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captivated
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Posted: Tue Feb 21st, 2006 09:25 pm |
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I'm praying for you and your fiance', Dan. To a woman.....whether prostitutes or porn or chatting, it feels like betrayal. Marriage won't solve this. Does she know about where you're at in your struggles? I guess I'd challenge you guys to jointly meet with someone like Steve (on these forums) for a counseling session or more prior to this date. He will help you explore the issues in a way which blesses you both in the long run and will allow you to both enter this covenant of marriage you're about to make with open eyes and a stronger foundation to stand on for the long haul. E-mail or private message him and he'll give you the info you need.
In any case, I will pray for you both and say the things I do with grace.
Prayerfully,
captivated
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Steve
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 3rd, 2005 |
| Location: | Colorado USA |
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Posted: Sun Feb 26th, 2006 12:58 am |
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dan wrote: The wedding day is officially set for March 11th. Fell off the sobriety wagon again today.
Friend,
Red lights. Red lights. Red lights all over the dashboard!
Respectfully, I would like to challenge you to postpone the wedding until you've really gotten a "handle" on this. I applaud all of your honesty and hard & courageous work so far, but I see quite a bit of danger ahead by complicating the issue by getting married so quickly here.
Your thoughts?
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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dan
Member
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Posted: Mon Feb 27th, 2006 07:40 pm |
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Last edited on Thu Mar 2nd, 2006 04:41 am by dan
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