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dan
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Posted: Fri Feb 3rd, 2006 07:31 pm |
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Hi,
My name is Dan. I got started on Porn at a young age (my father always had magazines in the garage.) I've tried praying to keep the urges from coming but it hardly ever works. I used to live with my Girfriend and we both would watch stuff. We were both saved about 2 years ago. I moved out shortly after that but we still stayed together, (w/out having sex). It was really easy for her to stop and I think she's progressed much farther spiritually. We are getting married on March 11th so we'll be moving back in together then. She found some stuff on the computer once and it really upset her, we almost broke up over it. I've told her that I've stopped but I really haven't--I've just cut back a lot. I'm hoping the urges are so strong just because we haven't been intimate in such a long time, and after we are married I'll be able to quit 100%. I just feel so guilty after I do it, I mean I feel like its a slap in the face of Jesus. Is it possible that I'm not really saved? I mean how can God keep putting up with me? I've found that sometimes my fantasies get carried away, I've even participated in some adult Chat /video chat rooms...It seems to be getting worse each time...Please pray for me!! This site has really helped alot. Thanks.
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RTK
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Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2006 12:37 pm |
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I've told her that I've stopped but I really haven't
This does not sound like a healthy way to start a marriage...nor does sex before marriage. You've got some real issues that you both need to talk about with a Godly Christian counselor before the big day.
There are lots of guys that go into marriage thinking that their sex addict problem will be fine once they are married. The wife can take care of their sexual needs is the general idea. This thinking is not true. I write from first hand experience. If you have a sex addiction problem now, marriage won't make it go away.
Is it fair to go into a relationship knowing that you have a sex addict problem? The time and energy needed to get through this stuff is taxing. It will be a big negative to the marriage reltionship if she is not aware of what is going on - or thinks that you have stopped. Perhaps you need to talk with a Christian addiction therapist, accountability partners, mentor, or maybe a pastor that knows your secrets - or knows about the tentacles of sexual addicition.
Dan, think about it. Marriage is a covenant relationship. It is a life time thing. It is not a bond that is to be taken lightly. Get the help you need to make it a healthy, loving, lasting relationship.
RTK
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Steve
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Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2006 05:47 pm |
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Welcome Dan. I appreciated your posting.
dan wrote: I'm hoping the urges are so strong just because we haven't been intimate in such a long time, and after we are married I'll be able to quit 100%.
I have some news that might upset you ... It won't! The myth is that once one is married and sexually active with their spouse, that the pull of porn/sex addiction will go away, but it doesn't. Ask any married guy who's in recovery.
My humble input to you is to hold off on getting married until you've really worked through some of the core issues of why you've developed this habit. I highly suggest seeing a counselor who specializes in helping men with this issue, and joining some kind of men's group. That's the only way I've seen most men work through their recovery successfully.
What do you think? -Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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dan
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Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2006 07:47 pm |
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Ok, thats what I was afraid of. I really can't hold off on the wedding though, I mean everyone's been invited, the places are rented etc.. the dates coming up pretty fast.
I trust my fiancee enough to tell her everything. What if I just come clean with her and start getting help?
This forum is the really the first step I've taken. It's great that I can finally talk about these things.
Should I find a local real world group like an AA type of thing, is that what your suggesting? Ant ideas where I might find one in Southern California.
Thanks!
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Steve
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Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2006 08:34 pm |
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Dan, I definitely see how you're in a bind. Man, I will be praying for you. All I can say is, there is something about being honest that is important here. Your fiance needs to know that you're struggling. Also, while I don't know how things will turn out in the long-run with your fiance, God will honor you greatly.
Yes, find an SA group in your area. That's a great idea as a first step: http://www.sa.org
Friend, I don't know you too well and I'm not going to tell you what to do. All I can say is, I have heard this "story" so many times:
-Guy has sex addiction.
-Fiance finds out about problem before marriage.
-Guy says he's recovered but hasn't, and is "white-knuckling it".
-They get married.
-The honeymoon ends in weeks, months or years.
-Wife finds out the guy lied and still has this problem.
-Wife feels hurt. Wife loses trust in husband.
-The marriage is on the rocks.
I'm not trying to be nonchalant here. I have seriously seen this so many times. The quality of your relationship and the amount of true intimacy that you enjoy with your wife, will only be as good as the secrets you hold from her. As a guy "on the other side of this addiction", I really want to encourage you ... You can be this, but you're not going to be able to do it by staying in secrecy with your fiance/wife. If you tell her about this struggle and she rejects you, well, then you'll be embarrassed with the wedding being cancelled, but you'll save yourself a whole lot of pain in the long run. But who knows? Maybe she'll really feel compassion for you and want to support you. It sounds like a "crossroads" for you and I don't envy your position.
Tell me more. What do you think?
Your Friend,
Steve
Last edited on Sat Feb 4th, 2006 08:37 pm by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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RTK
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Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2006 08:49 pm |
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Dan,
I agree with Steve. However, if you plan to come clean - you had better be able to show her the steps you plan to take and follow through with things. I'd even recommend (should you marry) that you both go to a Family Life Conference. This conference will be a good start to discovering God's blue prints for marriage.
Thus far, the foundation for your marriage appears shaky. Build the foundation on openess and honesty...and the rock of Christ Jesus and you will go far.
Steve, would it be okay to challenge Dan to have his fiance read what he has shared with us so far - if he really wants to come clean? How would that be for an openess challenge?
RTK
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Steve
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Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2006 09:05 pm |
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RTK wrote: Thus far, the foundation for your marriage appears shaky. Build the foundation on openess and honesty...and the rock of Christ Jesus and you will go far.
Dan, RTK hit it right on the head. There's so many things to be concerned about here, but it really does look like the foundation for your marriage is indeed shaky. Perhaps you could talk to her about all this, and suggest that the wedding be postponed. That might be an option.
And as RTK suggested with showing her this forum conversation, I think taking any step towards being totally honest with her about where you're at is going to be Good with a caption "G".
Oh, and let me just remind you: You can beat this addiction! I've seem so many men get free of this ... but it takes work, commitment, accountability and involvement with other men. 
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Sat Feb 4th, 2006 10:31 pm |
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Dan,
While I see the bind you're in as well...let me tell you a little story here.
I got married roughly 10 months ago to a guy I love dearly. Problem is, he didn't bother telling me he had a 30+ year porn addiction and he was definitely in the thick of it when we got married (meaning he wasn't even trying to stop or get help). I have never told him this, and I don't know maybe I should someday ... but you know what I am having a horrendous battle getting out of MY mind?
He stood there by me on our wedding day, in front of our families, and promised to "forsake all others" and he didn't mean a word of it!
I cannot begin to convey to you the anguish this has caused me. Put yourself in the position of your beautiful bride-to-be and ask, "Is this what I want for her?". You really need to be honest with her before this goes any farther. I truly believe it is in the best interest, long run, for the two of you. Please don't start what should be a remarkable journey into married life on a lie. 
Praying God will show you just how to go from here. 
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captivated
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Posted: Sun Feb 5th, 2006 01:58 am |
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Dan,
This is all such good advice!!
I'm guessing you're battling against fear....well, know that you're prayed for....that now matter what the outcome, you will be more at peace with the truth...both in your heart and in relationship with the Lord.
I've been married for over 16 years and can tell you two things:
1) God is all about shedding light on darkness and there is no such thing as a secret...you and this precious woman will have a much better, more "rich" life if you INITIATE telling the truth now....all of it. If you do not, I believe God will reveal it the hard way....for you and for her both, sadly...
2) My husband's lied to me for sooo long and even when he got found out, tried to lie more, but I wouldn't let him. If he'd told the truth of his own initiative, wanting to have a clear conscience before me and the Lord, I would be able to trust him and believe him more now and also support him better, I think. As it is, I never know what to believe about anything and our marriage feels like a big lie at times.....
3) Okay, three things......women do have a way of knowing and sensing when things aren't right. You may think you've pulled one over on us, but she will know....and feel hurt....Please don't keep this from her, but like RTK suggested, tell her with a plan, or maybe even with an appointment with a sexual addiction recovery counselor already on your calendar, so she can see the evidence....and maybe she'd want to talk with him as well. Women are told to believe behavior, not words.....so show her.....do whatever it takes......it is worth it...she is worth it! A man of good character will fight for his wife and for her heart, regardless of his own reputation and I believe God will honor it in the long run! I know you must want to be that man...a warrior! If you hold anything back now or in the future, she will know. Women are also very good at forgiving, by the way, especially when approached with humility and gentleness...it takes time to work through the process and to grieve and heal though. It doesn't happen in a night or in a month. God can be trusted with the details, as you seek to honor Him in truth.
Prayerfully,
Captivated
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RTK
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Posted: Sun Feb 5th, 2006 03:14 pm |
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Dan,
If you take us up on the challenges we've thrown your way, here's one more. Print out what we've shared with you on this forum. One year from now, follow through and go over things with your wife and how you have progressed. Should you do this, I would say that you are doing well in becoming the man the Lord would have you to be.
RTK
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dan
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Posted: Mon Feb 6th, 2006 04:07 pm |
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Ok I bit the bullet and told her everything last night after church. We must have spent an hour reading all your posts and clicking around on the site before saying a word to eachother.
I know I really hurt her and could tell she wanted to cry. I even wanted to cry. But I also felt so much better that I wasn't lying to her. I'm going to the local SA meeting here which we found tommorrow night. She wanted to go to a meeting with me but its for men only.
We are also going to talk to the pastor before deciding about the wedding. I think she wants to still go through with it and so do I. I feel so much stronger now, like I can beat this thing. I just don't want to let my guard down. I didn't leave her place until about 12am because of all the talking we did.
We haven't talked for that long in months. She really is an amazing woman, all the things she said to me made so much sense. I just thank god for bringing her into my life, she deserves so much more than I've been giving her. She had lots of questions but I answered them all and I think we're going to make it through this.
Thanks to all of you, it helped having her read all the posts..especially from the other women. I believe god brought me to this site, I didn't mention it before but I stumbled onto it searching for porn on the internet. I'm not sure how that happened.
Ok, I'm going to the meeting, we're talking to the pastor. Is there anything else I should watch out for? I was thinking about the daily accountability --should I do that on this site or find someone to talk to realtime?
Thanks!!
Dan
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RTK
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Posted: Mon Feb 6th, 2006 04:19 pm |
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Dan,
Is there anything else I should watch out for?
You bet. The nasty one is not happy at all about this. He wants to eat you for lunch.
However, the fact remains that in the end we win  You've taken the first step. Keep going. Follow through with all you say that you're going to do. Write a date on her calendar for next February - and then discuss your progress as openly as you have already done.
Also, check out Family Life marriage conferences. It will be a big plus to your relationship. They provide scholarships if money is tight.
RTK
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captivated
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Posted: Mon Feb 6th, 2006 04:23 pm |
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I'm really glad for you guys that you took this step! It's a tough step to take, but well worth it as it does break the hold of the enemy as light is shed on darkness, exposing it! Tell your fiance', I will pray for her....and if she needs someone to talk to, PM me with her e-mail and I'll write to her some, if that would help.
Other than the things you are doing, Dan......and the guys will have more to share, I'd like to caution you that many pastors have wonderful intentions and really love the Lord and want the best for those they counsel, but not all understand the dynamics of sexual addiction. I'd say you should each see a counselor, experienced with sexual addiction recovery, separately at first maybe, I don't know, but probably the same person so he can understand the dynamics of your situation and give you the wisest counsel when you do talk to him together.....I'm suggesting a man because I think it's best in most cases like this....with a couple to have a man to speak into the man's life, etc... I have needed godly men in this process as well and have been blessed repeatedly by the men and women God's provided for me. People are important....healthy, godly, praying relationships......isolation is death!
Again, I'm so encouraged you've taken this step, Dan!
Prayerfully, with care for you both!
captivated
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dan
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Posted: Tue Feb 7th, 2006 02:50 pm |
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Yes, I know what you mean about the pastors, I spoke to one about my problem a couple years ago and I didn't get much of a response beyond the need to pray..
I haven't had any urges the last few days since my first posting on Friday--and thats actually a long stretch for me. Today I'm working at home alone and I can feel that its going to be a struggle. It always seems so much harder when I have control of my own time...I need to stay more busy and be around people...I guess I'm not out of the woodwork yet.
I have my first sa meeting tonight at 7PM--I've committed to staying clean until then--I'm not going to fall today!
I'm hoping to find more information about some local pastors I can talk to at the meeting. RTK mentioned something about "Family Life Marriage" conferences. Does anyone have any more information on that?
My fiancee may be sending you a message captivated, it seems that all of the groups in this area are "Men Only".
Thanks again and God Bless you all for being here for us!!
Eternally grateful,
Dan
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Joel2:25
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Posted: Tue Feb 7th, 2006 03:01 pm |
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Dan,
I'm SO proud of you! Score one for God's side!
I don't know if this will happen to you but as far as things to be watchful for ... don't be too shocked if your fiance' suddenly becomes a fire-breathing dragon.  I did it, and so did all of the women I know who are going through this/went through this, etc. It's common to be in a state of calm shock for a few days and then ... whammo! ... it all hits you. Keep praying for her, as she will no doubt have some issues surface sometime.
Praying your meeting goes well, you find people to be supportive of you, men to be accountable to daily (not your fiance'), and your fiance' finds a group as well!
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captivated
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Posted: Tue Feb 7th, 2006 05:05 pm |
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Dan, it sounds like a great day for a long walk or jog outside! It's just one way to assist you in staying sober...
Family Life Today is the ministry which conducts the marriage conferences RTK was talking about. We've also been to a few. If you hear Dennis Rainey's name mentioned, you'll know you're in the right place! I'd suggest doing a search on Internet Explorer or Yahoo and I'm sure you'll find it. It may have changed, but I think their phone number is 1-800-FL Today Let us know if you can't find it though.
Tell your fiancee', I'd be glad to support and pray for her however I can....and to keep anything she shares confidential and not share it on the forums.....this would be a concern for me if I were in her shoes.
Keep asking God to give you all you need to be free and to be filled with/close to Him....He loves us so, He delights to draw near to us when we draw near to him (James 4:8). You may be white knuckling it today, but with God, you can beat this thing!.....and love your fiance' well....
Praying for you guys!
captivated
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dan
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Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2006 06:36 am |
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I went to the first sa meeting. My fiancee was really uncomfortable about me going by myself and when I stopped at her place on the way home she drilled me with a bunch of questions. I was very vague in answering her because a lot of the stuff in there was private.
I didn't say much at the meeting, just learned alot about the purpose etc. and listened to others. I was surprised at how many people were there. It is clear to me that I have along way to go. I was surprised that their definition of sobriety also includes no "Self-sex". I had reasoned before that it was ok, as long as porn was not included--does anyone have any thoughts on that?
. It was explained to me that "self-sex" is not bad but for an addict it is like an alcoholic gargling with vodka but not drinking it. It made sense...
I only have 4 days of sobriety right now, some guys have many years so I know it can be done now!
The meeting helped a lot --the fellowship and support there was awesome. They gave me most everybody's phone number and a couple guys made a point to let me know to call them for anything...
I think my fiancee was a little upset that I didn't share more with her. I don't think she realizes how strong my urges are. She seemed to think that I don't belong in there and that God is enough. She was really concerned that they are "not affiliated" with any churches. I'm going to keep going back though.
My goal now is to make it to the next meeting, 7 more days. This afternoon, I was thinking about all the time I've wasted on this problem over the past 20 years and I just broke out in tears for some reason. I mean it was so strange, because I never cry, I think it was tears of joy because I felt like I was let out of jail or something. I never "believed" I could really stop before...now I do.
I'm determined to keep posting here, it seems to help me stay sober...
THANKS FOR BEING HERE!!!
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Feb 8th, 2006 09:25 am |
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So glad for you Dan! Wonderful! Two quick thoughts since I'm rushed for time. First, have you read Mike's article on the home page concerning masturbation/self sex yet? It's really good and helpful! And second, I don't know what this group is affiliated with, but I believe that if they were affiliated with a church, they could potentially be hindered from being as open and real with one another. As it is, they probably mostly know one another through this group and concerning their desires to stay sober, so they are less likely to put on masks and pretend they're okay if they're not.....more of a temptation the longer they stay sober.
Okay, three thoughts again.....your fiance' may not understand now, but if she ever does begin to comprehend how deeply this goes or how negatively it can impact a marriage relationship, she will thank you over and over for getting real and sober in every way now......she will realize it to be an act of love to her, to God and to yourself in wanting to honor the body and life He's given you! It may be helpful for her to continue to read on this site as well to look for a group of some sort. I know of some telephone sorts of groups if she's interested. One, she could just listen if she wants, but I'm not sure what they are like. Continuing in prayer for you guys!
With Christ, you can beat this thing!
captivated
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hxcjf
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Posted: Sat Feb 18th, 2006 03:56 pm |
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Hey Dan
There are couple really powerful messages I'd like to send you that have profoundly impacted my life. They are about 50 MB...if your email inbox can handle that, I can send them to you via email. If not, and you want the messages, email me at salmoncm1@gcc.edu God Bless!
Caleb
You can read my story here: http://blazinggrace.org/forums/forum7/237.html
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captivated
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Posted: Sat Feb 18th, 2006 04:20 pm |
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Hey, Dan! Haven't been on much this week, but was wondering how you and your fiancee' are doing and how to best pray for you guys......if you've shared elsewhere and I missed it, sorry.
captivated
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