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APR
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Posted: Mon Jan 29th, 2007 01:58 pm |
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xyyz,
How are you doing brother?
Praying for you,
Art
____________________
I am the way and truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through Me.
-John 14:6
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xyyz
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Posted: Tue Jan 30th, 2007 10:26 pm |
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Steve and Art,
Thanks for your words of encouragement and your prayers. I was doing really well until a couple of hours ago. I was doing great, was on my 5 day of being clean and sober and was feeling well and happy. This morning I still was feeling great with what I had accomplished, reminded myself I didn't have to let my guard down, reminded myself what to do if temptation started to attack but... I also felt really tired and sleepy and I believe there is a particular task I needed to do at work which for some reason I guess I want to avoid.. and I let myself start to slip. The usual, I'm looking at sport news and then a picture of a girl in a swimsuit catches my eye... "that can't be that bad, can it?" Of course it can! You start immunizing yourself little by little, next thing you know you are falling hard.
Coming here and writing all of this is working for me right now. Now I feel like I'm a little more under control. Do you guys mind if I send you private messages? I feel like I need more one on one communication here.
Thanks again and God bless you!
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APR
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Posted: Wed Jan 31st, 2007 12:35 am |
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You can PM me anytime.
It sounds like it has been one of those days for a lot of people, including myself.
Take care and I look forward to hearing from you
Art
____________________
I am the way and truth and the life.
No one comes to the Father except through Me.
-John 14:6
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xyyz
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Posted: Tue Apr 24th, 2007 07:45 am |
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It's been a while since I've been on this forum... I've had really good times, and some horrible times over the last couple of months. Overall, I would say the good are much more common than the bad, but temptation and sin are always there and combined with the pressures of everyday life create a very strong and dangerous combination in my case. I've been working on my spiritual well being, after not doing it ever in my life, I'm attending church regularly with my family. I have actually joined a church for the first time too. I want to get more involved in church and participate in its different activities. But even though I feel closer to God I also know I constantly dissapoint Him with my actions.
Right now I sit here after falling once more, feeling empty and tired. I will go to bed and pray to God for forgiveness and strength until I fall asleep. Will also pray for everyone that is going through this hell, so we can all have the strength to carry on.
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xyyz
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Posted: Fri May 11th, 2007 08:21 am |
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I saw it coming, knew what was going to happen if I opened that web browser, yet the overwhelming stress and exhaustion from work seemed to make it justifiable, even needed.... I think I am a smart man, I know I can tell the difference between right and wrong, yet I fall for the lies every time. Just fell again and feel really empty inside.
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xyyz
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Posted: Thu Jul 12th, 2007 05:49 pm |
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Just when I think I'm ok and I've got this beat I stumble again! Just wasted 2 hours of my life I could have used in something so much more valuable...
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Jul 12th, 2007 07:21 pm |
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xyyz,
Things I ask myself after a slip include
- When was the first time I could feel the slip coming?
- What was I feeling then?
- What was I feeling before then, then the problem really originated?
- When could I have taken action so as not to act out?
- What could I have done?
- Is there something in my program that I am resisting doing, or not doing well enough? Do I need to attend more meetings? Make more phone calls? Spend more time on step work? Pray more? Talk more with my wife? Are there fears or resentments I need to
process? What have I done wrong that I can now do right?
The point of all this is to get behind and below the slip, and to refocus on the real work of recovery - daring to face God, to face other people, and even to face myself.
Slips really hurt, but they are wonderful moments to learn about ourselves and about our recovery and to start to discern what the next step may be.
Be well.
Tim M.
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atlien
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Posted: Mon Jul 30th, 2007 09:13 pm |
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xxyz:
I read your entire thread. You have a talent for self expression. Man, this trap really takes its toll on us! I fully related to your feelings of emptiness and regret in your most recent two posts. I fully believe, however, that it doesn't have to be this way for us.
Please fight this sickness that you have. God bless.
Last edited on Tue Jul 31st, 2007 12:08 pm by atlien
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xyyz
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Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 08:24 am |
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First time back here posting in a really long time. I've been back to this forum a couple of times over the last few months, but didn't have the courage to write anything. One thing I was impressed, and a little overwhelmed with, was the number of people that have read my original posting and possibly all of the resulting thread. There is definitely a lot of people out there in need of help and I hope my words if anything, let them know they are definitely not alone and there are other people suffering and feeling the pain as they go through this.
I wish I had a great story to tell you, of how I got out of this thing and now I am clean... but that is not the case at all. I've continue to fight in my own way, alone, and I now this is not working. I have been working on my spiritual life though, for the first time in my life I'm a member of a Church and attend regularly. I absolutely love the feeling of community around God and giving some purpose to my life through it. But there is very dark side of me fueled by insecurity that needs an escape...
Right now, I'm going through a very dark period in which I've completely stopped fighting against the addiction. I am simply using the very artificial and soothing feeling of excitement it brings, even though afterwards its filled with regret and sorrow. When you feel like you need to escape, your mind will do anything to find the way out. The stupid thing is that when I think about it rationally, there's nothing to escape from, it's actually opportunities I might be blowing for not stepping up and facing them full on.
It's late and I need to go to bed, so that's all for now. To all my brothers who have offered me their advice and support throught my struggle here, I thank you sincerely and wish you the best in your own personal struggles. To everyone else who is coming to this forum because they have problem: seek help and may God bless you.
xyyz
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sam
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Posted: Tue Jan 22nd, 2008 06:02 pm |
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thank you for the blessing x, you are in my prayers.
sam
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xyyz
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Posted: Sat Apr 5th, 2008 05:35 am |
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I'm back and again I'm out of control. I am under a lot of stress right now! It's like every little piece that is the puzzle of my life is moving at the moment. And when I think one of them will finally fall into place, the ones around it move. We all now what our relief of choice is in these cases...
I've decided I need accountability, so I'm going to be posting here under my original thread more often. More than anything as a way of letting all of this stuff out, as a way of not keeping it in, if only in the anonymous manner that this forum provides. If you'd like to reply, I welcome your opinions and thoughts. But... please don't feel obligated to do so. More than anything I am approaching this as an exercise in self expression and releasing some of the pressure.
Hope all of you and your loved ones are doing much better with this struggle than I am at the moment.
Peace.
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xyyz
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Posted: Mon May 19th, 2008 06:28 am |
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I'm falling again and again. I am truly out of control and it seems I am no longer fighting anymore. I'm just leting this disease be...
Stress is an understatement when it comes to what I've been going through, but still, I cannot medicate through this horrible addiction.
My brain knows what's right and what's wrong, doesn't it... well, right now it seems it doesn't.
God Bless. Peace
xyyz
Last edited on Mon May 19th, 2008 06:29 am by xyyz
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon May 19th, 2008 07:52 pm |
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Hi xyyz
How much local support are you receiving? In your first post in this thread you spoke about not telling people who are around you because it would hurt them.
Are you attending a church?
I will say a prayer for you today.
Last edited on Mon May 19th, 2008 08:06 pm by guitarist63
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