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xyyz
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Posted: Tue May 16th, 2006 11:31 pm |
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Thanks Steve for offering me your help. I really appreciate it!
I will respond in detail when I have a little more time. For now I just needed to vent and write this and know somebody will read it (I know... here's where having a support group helps  ) I'm out of control today, I'm totally out of control. It seems I'm able to supress the urges for a few minutes, maybe hours, just to fall back down again. There's something from your previous post ("You are learning that you don't need to live with pornography everday.") that I found encouraging and sounded really good. However, I think I am unlearning it this week. I say to myself that what has been growing as a problem for years and years cannot be changed easily in a few days. Just the fact that I know that I have a problem definitely helps.
Thanks again, please pray for me and for all the others in this same situation.
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xyyz
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Posted: Sat Jun 24th, 2006 12:22 am |
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I've come full circle. The subject of my original topic is now as valid as it was back then. I feel like trash....
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Steve
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Posted: Sat Jun 24th, 2006 12:56 am |
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Aw man, I'm very sorry xyyz.
You will definitely be in my thoughts and prayers this evening and during my hike tomorrow morning.
Please go easy on yourself this evening. God wants to help.
-Steve
Last edited on Sat Jun 24th, 2006 03:40 pm by Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Jun 28th, 2006 02:05 am |
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Hi Xyyz,
I hope you won't mind me interjecting a woman's perspective.
I submit that the odds are high that your wife knows something is wrong in your marriage, even if she hasn't pinpointed the addiction yet. I wish I could promise you that she would be as supportive as many of us wives have been, but I cannot. I cannot guarantee that if you do what I suggest that she won't leave/tell you to get lost. With that disclaimer...
From what you have posted, it sounds like your most prevalent temptation is the internet. As dropping internet service would be noticed by your family, you cannot do that without explanation. Installing a program such as SafeEyes would be noticed by your family, and would be pointless if you were the administrator. This will be painful. There is no other way. If you don't tell her, she will find out eventually. Something will slip. Do you really want to wait for her to find out, confronting you, as most of us wives have had to do? Wouldn't it be at least a little better to arrange a private time to talk and say:
(Only if this is true.)
"Honey, I love you so much, and I need your help desperately. I have tried on my own, but I have an addiction to which I continue to succumb. I need you to help me with my boundaries, and help me find a counsellor/support group. I have been trying to recover alone, because I knew how much this would hurt you, but I desperately need your help to break free."
Understand that even confessing will bring a torrent of emotions from your wife, but I pray that she will respect the courage it will take to tell her.
Of course, it would limit your time here, but a boundary it sounds like you need to seriously work on is not being alone with the computer. Not knowing what other forms your struggle takes, I don't know what other boundaries you need to work on. Whatever you do about telling or not telling your wife, you need to find ways to erect tall brick walls between you and the paths that lead you to fall. She might find it odd, but could you put a picture of your wife so close to the monitor that it would always be in your field of vision? Do you think you would still go where you shouldn't with her smiling face in view?
Should you, by some miracle, manage a length of victory, don't you think that your secret will always hinder God's best intimacy for you? Wouldn't it be a marvelous thing to be able to share that victory, which is attainable, with your wife? She cannot share the victory if she has never shared the struggle. I would expect her to be extremely doubtful if, some day, you casually mention that you once had this problem, but you're over it now.
Whether or not she chooses to come along side you in your recovery, remember that it is worth pursuing in order to have a close walk with God, and for your own personal health.
Always remember that 1 John 1:9 promises that "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Don't let Satan try to tell you otherwise.
With prayers,
TruthSeeker
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xyyz
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Posted: Sun Jul 2nd, 2006 07:19 pm |
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Hi TruthSeeker,
Thank you so much for taking the time to send me all your comments and suggestions. It really does mean a lot to me. And giving us the female perspective is something incredibly valuable, so I again thank you for doing so. I have not been visiting this site lately and will be offline for the next week or so (will be going out of town) and actually today I have just managed to get a few minutes to drop by and let you know that you have some really good points in your post. I am considering what you have said and promise I will respond to you with more details once I get a chance.
Thanks again and God bless you!
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xyyz
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Posted: Wed Aug 2nd, 2006 08:05 pm |
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I'm out of control again after 5 days of feeling and doing great. It's funny how I can spend all the time in the world feeding the addiction but I can't justify 20 minutes of coming to this site and writing down my thoughts and answering to other people's posts like I said I would.
I am just very angry at myself right now! I'm having a terrible day, one of those when you feel you are a total failure and need to escape...
Hope all of you are doing much better than I am. I'm praying for all of us.
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Steve
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Posted: Thu Aug 3rd, 2006 02:43 pm |
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xyyz, I am impressed with your courage to report how you are doing. Man oh man, I know where you're at brother. It's not fun at all.
How can we support you?
What step do you need to take?
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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xyyz
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Posted: Tue Aug 8th, 2006 11:46 pm |
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Steve,
Thanks for your response to my previous post. I don't know if I would call it courage or desperation, but anyway it's good to reach out and get some help.
I guess the next step I need to take is how to focus my attention and energies once the urge attacks me. I know being addicted is something that will never bring me happiness, just pain and frustration. I want to stop this, I am praying every day I have the strength to beat it, but still once the temptation takes hold, it's very difficult to stop. I know beforehand which situations will bring temptation (being alone, under a lot of stress, facing a tough project at work I am not confident about) and it's like I can see myself walking to the edge, step by step, and I know where I'm going, but the temptation keeps growing. I know there's been some discussion about this in the forum, but what I think would be helpful would be some ideas on what to do once you feel temptation taking a hold of you. Are there any useful techniques, anything I can do? Right now I am having one of those episodes where it seems easier to let go than to fight it. And of course you can say you can try avoiding the whole thing from the beginning, but in my case a lot of times I can't. I usually work late and when I'm tired, bored, or frustrated (which happens eventually to everyone when working) it's tough not to fall. Any ideas on what to do once you are a step away from falling again?
Thank you brother.
Xyyz
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justme
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Posted: Thu Aug 10th, 2006 03:12 am |
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Welcome XYYZ,
As the wife of a recovering sex addict I'd like to also add my perspective on whether or not to "come clean" with your wife. My husband didn't tell me about his problem--I found the porn on the computer and he denied it at first. He continued to lie about many aspects of his addiction and gave me the truth in bits and pieces. I know it has to be really scary for you to even think about telling your wife about this. One thing I want to say though, is that I am still having a very hard time trusting my husband because he lied to me repeatedly. If he had had the courage to come to me and tell me he had a problem instead of hiding it, denying it and blaming me, things would have gone much smoother. I knew in my spirit that something was wrong between us and believe me, your wife knows something is wrong, too, even if she doesn't know exactly what it is. After my husband told me the truth, as ugly as it was, he said he felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. I think the Lord meant for us to be transparent with our spouses and the only way to have real intimacy is to share our struggles with each other. As painful as it was for me to learn this about my husband it was also a relief for me in a way because I knew what it was that had been wrong for so many years. Hope this helps.
Just Me
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Steve
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Posted: Thu Aug 10th, 2006 09:12 pm |
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xyyz wrote: Steve,
I guess the next step I need to take is how to focus my attention and energies once the urge attacks me. I know being addicted is something that will never bring me happiness, just pain and frustration. I want to stop this, I am praying every day I have the strength to beat it, but still once the temptation takes hold, it's very difficult to stop. I know beforehand which situations will bring temptation (being alone, under a lot of stress, facing a tough project at work I am not confident about) and it's like I can see myself walking to the edge, step by step, and I know where I'm going, but the temptation keeps growing. I know there's been some discussion about this in the forum, but what I think would be helpful would be some ideas on what to do once you feel temptation taking a hold of you. Are there any useful techniques, anything I can do? Right now I am having one of those episodes where it seems easier to let go than to fight it. And of course you can say you can try avoiding the whole thing from the beginning, but in my case a lot of times I can't. I usually work late and when I'm tired, bored, or frustrated (which happens eventually to everyone when working) it's tough not to fall. Any ideas on what to do once you are a step away from falling again?
Thank you brother.
Xyyz
Xyyz, I apologize for not getting to you sooner.
Boy oh boy, you ask some tough questions and I have honestly struggled with coming up with an answer for you.
Of course, I could give you the "pat answers" related to spiritual, emotional and practical issues.
Spiritual: When you're filled with the love and grace of Jesus, you're not going to want to view porn. Experience God's grace in a more genuine way that reaches your heart.
Emotional: Do a H.A.L.T. S.S. assessement (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sad, Stressed), identify what is going on inside your heart, and get your needs met more appropriately.
Practical: Look at what boundaries you crossed. Have you gotten clear about what your boundaries are? What was the medium? Do you have a blocker on your computer?
But where I am at in my paradigm of recovery is "doing recovery" in the context of community. Simply put, it's so much easier to get free, combat temptations and grow in God when one is open and honest about one's addiction/recovery with people in real life. I have seen two foundational things that seem to really help men get free:
1) Meeting regularly with a mentor/counselor/friend who understands the nature of sexual addiction, has been through it himself, listens non-judgementally and loves unconditionally.
2) Participating in a group in which one becomes part of a team of men who are working towards long-term freedom. "Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves, a cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (Ecclesiastes 4:11)
Speaking for myself, I did not get free from sexual addiction until I got serious about seeing a counselor regularly and participating in a group. For awhile, I was involved in three weekly groups and it was so wonderful. I still have many good friends from my group experiences - people who know the "real me" and have helped me grow.
I have come to the conclusion that for most men, getting free from sexual addiction is practically impossible to do alone.
-Steve
Last edited on Thu Aug 10th, 2006 09:22 pm by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Aug 12th, 2006 11:21 pm |
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Xyyz, I'm praying also.
But all the prayers in the world will not take you where confession, repentance, accountability, and counsel will. If you are using your employer's computer, that could jeopardize your job. If there are enough employees that you would not be incriminating yourself, send an annonymous letter to the company suggesting porn blocking software, as you have reason to believe that an employee is viewing it on company time. You CANNOT beat this alone. Please read 1 Cor. 10:13. God often uses other people in our lives as ways to escape temptation. Do not say that God or prayer have failed you, when you have neglected to utilize all the resources at your disposal. This is not just about stopping the acting out, it is even more about healing the roots, on the inside, that keep leading you to act out.
If working late and alone, (if your company does not get blocking software,) walk away from the computer. Get a cup of tea/coffee, glass of water, or splash cold water on your face, (or anywhere else that needs to cool down.) Pray right there, on your knees if that helps. Put in a CD of praise music, do some quick exercises, run out for a snack, call your wife...you get the idea. But, most of all, please, PLEASE, get outside help!
TruthSeeker
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dsrkymtns
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Posted: Tue Aug 29th, 2006 08:09 pm |
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Xyyz ; I don't think that I could say it any better than you have said it in your posts. Your way of articulating the problem .... well it sounds just like me. I'm new here but I'm suffering from this addiction and have been for well I suppose since I was about 10 years old now I'm 56. I can't tell the people close to me either. My wife would completely freak out, I need someone to be accountable too, someone to make me hold the line. I work alone in an office with no one else, complete access to the internet and no accountability. I can't work at home, my business would not succeed in that environment.
Anyway, I feel for you brother. I too just can't seem to stop and honestly haven't wanted too bad enough apparently to do so. Whatever the cost, get help now. Don't let it do to you what it has done to me, created a life that is full of regret and lost battles.
Now I just feel like there is no hope, no answer, no way out... I will remember you in prayer too.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Aug 29th, 2006 09:01 pm |
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Hi dsrkymtns,
While there is life and breath, there is hope. In Jesus there is always hope. I am praying for you.
TruthSeeker
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OhioScott
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Posted: Sat Sep 9th, 2006 04:54 am |
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Hi xyyz- I'm new to this board but my addiction is very familiar. I'd like to start by saying that there is victory over this but it will take time - don't stop trying and God will bring you to victory! I've seen some awesome feedback and it's obvious there's alot of experience and victory represented in this forum.
Telling your wife is an excellent suggestion, unfortunately it's also quite scary... You need counselling. I've been in counselling for more than a year now and I've learned alot about myself. Find a counsellor and just tell your wife that you need to talk about some things that have been bothering you and leave it general for now. He can help you with disclosure later. If you just walk up to your wife and blurt it out it will be a considerable shock for her, you need to present it well and make sure she has support from someone she can talk to.
My next point is that your behavior runs in cycles, picture a circle broken into 3 equal parts (like a pie). You start in "Pretend Normal - In this phase everything is fine, you feel good about yourself and feel normal. The next phase is Build-Up - You start getting hit with triggers and your mind flounders in sinful thought until you fall and act out through self pleasure. Finally the last phase is Shame - You feel like your worthless, you hate your weakness, you vow never to do it again, you beat yourself up for a few days and find yourself back in Pretend Normal. The cycle repeats...
Understanding this cycle is the first step in breaking it... This is just one nugget of knowledge and seeing a counsellor that understands sexual addiction will help save you from it. Don't put this off! Please e-mail me if you want to talk or need help. Your not alone! Check out http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com and take the "Way of Purity" course, it's free and maybe they can help you but go to a counsellor for just a few sessions - I know it's scary to open-up to a stranger but it's really the best thing to do - and find a Christain Counsellor! I will pray for you my friend... Be Well~
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xyyz
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Posted: Thu Sep 21st, 2006 08:58 pm |
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Dsrkymtns: thanks for your words, I have sent you a private message; please read.
OhioScott: I thank you as well for your encouragement and advice. You are absolutely right about the cycle. What I've realized lately is that I have been a lot better at managing the cycle, but not getting out of it. Before the cycle would repeat itself every single day. I would start each day in Pretend Normal, feeling good about starting a new day, throughout the day I would start getting hit will all these triggers and images in my head (Build Up) and usually at night I would fall; of course then I would be hit by Shame, which would torment me until I went to sleep, but as always, the new day would bring new hope and I went around and around one more time.
Now, I've managed to make the cycle much longer (5-6 days, sometimes as much as 15-20) where I go through days of Pretend Normal and everything feels great; I then go through maybe 1 or 2 days of Build Up and eventually the fall and Shame. Yes, the duration and composition of the cycle are different (now I normally spend much more time in Pretend Normal than in the rest) which is good, but I still need on finding the way OUT! And that's what I'm trying to do now.
Thanks and God bless!
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Holley
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Posted: Thu Oct 12th, 2006 04:40 am |
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Hi all, I'm new to this site although I briefly introduced myself to Steve and Mike. I've battled with porn and masturbation most of my adult life. I'm a 52 year old divorced male with two almost grown children. One at school in Texas and one living in Denver. I lived the ideal suburban life with the wife, kids, nice house on a small farm but thats not what life is about and it certainly didn't stop my addiction!! Mike hit the nail on the head when he said what we all need to realize is Gods tremendous love for us all. I've spent the last few weeks reading alot of the posts on the various forums and I can't tell you how much it has helped. I always thought I was the only one out there who had this serious of a problem but now know that not only are there brothers out there who share the same hurt and struggle but who want and need to talk to others about it. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH. I've got my emotions and addiction pretty much under control but whenever I feel like I'm losing control I sign in to this site and read some of the posts and now that I've introduced myself I'll start to share some of my feeling and seek support to help me through the tough times which I'm sure will come. I've found that along with prayer and this site the most help for me has been to put some real heavy duty filters on both the computer and TV. This way if I do start to search porn I have to go through several screens typing in my password (Jesus) in oder to keep going and this gives me just enough time to reflect on what I'm doing and allows me to pray and reflect until the feelings pass. Sorry this is so long I'll keep it shorter from now on. AGAIN THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE AND FOR THE SUPPORT. I love you all and you are all in my prayers as I hope I am in yours. Until next time.
God Bless.
Holley
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xyyz
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Posted: Wed Jan 10th, 2007 09:43 pm |
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I just realized it's been almost a year since I first posted a message introducing myself on this forum. One more year of many in my life I've been struggling with this. I guess at least over the last year I've been trying to fight it. The problem is lately it seems I'm not fighting any more... I feel awful, but I just escape through my addiction and do nothing to stop me. I want to make myself think that the fact that I'm posting here again is a sign that I want to do something about it. I know whatever I've been doing has not been working... and I also know a lot of people here have given me advice to get real life support and counseling. I just don't want to hurt anyone... I feel like this is my sin and my problem and I should be the one that suffers for it, not anyone else.
I think I will go ahead and get help with some of the issues that are causing me to act up, such as insecurity and frustration with some aspects of my life. Although not directly treating the addiction itself in my mind I think this will make me realize how truly unnecessary it is to escape through porn, how stupid it is.
God bless us all.
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CJ
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Posted: Wed Jan 10th, 2007 10:50 pm |
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xyyz,
First off, be encouraged! We are all human, and we will all fail. Every. Time. It is ONLY by God's amazing grace that we don't go through life complete failures. I think it's awesome that you're calling out for help, don't isolate yourself - that is the first symptom of relapse. If you think that cutting yourself off from others, protecting them, whatever words you would use is helpful, it's not. Accountability is paramount with an addition of any type. Now, if by telling your wife would most certainly end your marriage, you'll have to spend some time in prayer before you make that decision, for sure...God will provide a way...He's that kind of God. But please don't think that you can win this. You can only make the decision to fight, but God will direct your steps.
I would challenge you to stop fighting the darkness. When you walk into a dark room, you don't thrash around trying to find your way, right? You turn on a light...right? Your light is the awesome, holy, omniscient, omnipresent, and infinitely-powerful Heavenly Father. Don't take those words lightly - this is not a sermon. Go back and re-read them if you have to...but just try to understand them. In addition to all of those things, he loves you with Agape (unconditional) love. When you stop and think about it, how far is the East from the West? That's how far He will throw His memory of our sin when we confess and repent of it. How many times has He come through for you in the past? Joyfully remember this, and start trying to look at God like your all-powerful protector from the enemy.
Because God is infinite, we will never truly comprehend Him. We simply can't. But we know what He has promised us, and we know that He has never failed us.
I applaud you for going to get help for things in your life, but I can guarantee you (from experience) that if you don't start fighting this with everything in your being, and letting God do the rest, the enemy will be victorious. NOT because God can't or won't intervene, but because our free will prohibits Him from working when we make the choice to fall. Yep, I said we make the choice. Please don't take this as judgmental criticism, I have been there. I know what it's like to question God's love because I have failed. Why didn't God protect me from porn? Fear it, becuase it's put in front of you to KILL YOU. That is the ultimate goal of the devil - to steal, kill, and destroy. Please remember that.
In closing, something that helped me was to find something practical to remind you daily that you're in a battle. Hang a sword in your office, continally be in communication with your commander, Jesus Christ. I know it looks hopeless, but we have the greatest power in the history of history at our back to protect us from our accuser, to hold us up when we fall, to love us when we don't even love ourselves, and to see us accomplish things beyond our wildest imagination. Build His kingdom, and He'll build yours. If you ever need to talk, you can call me anytime, day or night, and I will get back to you as soon as I possibly can. If you're comfortable with this, PM me your contact info, and I'll give you a call on my dime.
This can be done.
CJ
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xyyz
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Posted: Thu Jan 11th, 2007 04:12 am |
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CJ,
Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your words of encouragement and advise. Can't write much now, but I didn't want to wait until tomorrow to say thanks.
It's interesting how many amazing things this life is full of, more than enough to fill us with joy and still we get tangled in this problem which leads nowhere but down.
I will definitely keep in touch, I need it...
God bless you,
XyyZ
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Steve
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Posted: Tue Jan 23rd, 2007 06:15 am |
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Xyyz, I must say, you in particular have "stuck out in my mind" from time to time as I've recalled some of the very courageous people who have posted their struggles on this forum. All I will say is, if there's anything I or anyone else can to encourage you, feel free to make that request.
I truly hope you are well. If it means anything, I stumbled and stumbled and stumbled ad nauseum when I first began my journey of recovery. It was anything but fun ... and at times it was quite discouraging, but almost every guy I've seen who has "kept at it" has eventually gotten free from my vantage point. I consider myslef living proof of that. In this light, I am quite confident God is going to help you walk in freedom sooner than you think!
All the best,
Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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