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xyyz
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Posted: Fri Jan 20th, 2006 05:26 pm |
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No matter what I do, no matter what I tell myself I can't stop looking at porn. I everything at risk by doing this and still somehow I convince myself that it is ok, that i'll just look at it for a couple of minutes, that there's nothing wrong, that I can control it. Then afterwards I feel powerless and depressed. I am addicted to this....
Although I believe in God, I wouldn't consider myself the most religious person. I pray to God each day to give me the strength to break free from this, but I keep falling. The worst thing is, I have to be honest, while doing it, it does feel good. I read somewhere that there's chemicals in the brain associated that give you some kind of high like drugs. But I know it is not right. I know I'll never be truly happy while I'm doing this and I absolutely know that I need to break this addiction. What depresses me the most is the thought that once you are an addict you will always be one, that you can only supress it and control it but never cure it.
I feel like I need somebody to talk to, since I don't feel there's anyone in my life who I can really go to with this. I would hurt beyond words the people closest to me if I told them this. I've seen the advice and support that is offered by all of you on this forum and I am glad I've found it. I've seen myself in many of the posts and have been given hope by many of you who are way into recovery and show us there is a way out.
God bless you all.
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Steve
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Posted: Mon Jan 23rd, 2006 01:32 am |
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Welcome! You definitely can stop, but I think many of us can relate and understand where you're come from with your "can't stop" statement. Recovery takes time, quite a bit of hard work and lots of God's grace.
So how can we encourage you?
Even more importantly, I'd like to ask:
What small step do you need to take next to work towards getting free of your porn addiction? (I'd like to hear what you think.)
-Steve
Last edited on Mon Jan 23rd, 2006 01:32 am by Steve
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"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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matt
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Posted: Mon Jan 23rd, 2006 05:15 pm |
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Hi X,
One thing caught my eye while reading through your post. If this didn't feel great and have very exciting parts to it, none of us would be here, so it is ok to admit that it feels good. I enjoyed very much the days when I was drunk and having sex all day. I didn't enjoy the consequences that came after, but it was a blast while it was happening. I've come to the place now, where the pain that I've piled on myself from all of those past choices is too great, so I want to get out from underneath of it.
Congratulations on taking a very difficult first step. If you don't have anyone in your life that you can talk with about this, stay in touch here and continue shedding light on the issue.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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xyyz
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Posted: Tue Jan 24th, 2006 06:01 pm |
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First of all, thanks for responding to my post and for welcoming me into the forum. I apologize for taking some time to respond, but I couldn't access this forum during the weekend. It does feel great to know there's others that share the pain but most of all the hope most of us feel.
I was reading through Seeking_Christ's post (he recently introduced himself to this forum) and there's a paragraph I can completely relate to. It begins with " I seem to get along great when I can keep my mind from wandering." and that's my biggest problem. No matter how much I tell myself I don't want to do this again and go through brief periods where I can supress the urge to look at porn, suddenly I stumble accross something on the Internet that just gets my mind all wound up. It doesn't even matter what site I'm going to, it's not a matter of avoiding porn sites. Simply a picture in an add in a mainstream news site or even a story in the news makes me stray. Of course sex sells, and they are using it to sell literally everything these days, on the TV, on the Internet, in magazines, you all know how it goes.
I've thought about your question Steve for a long time... I have obviously taken the first step of recognizing I have a problem. I've known this for quite some time. The step I'm taking now is reaching out for help. The next step (or I should say two steps) that I think would help me are: 1. to develop a one-to-one support relationship with somebody for accountability purposes, the only person I'm accountable for is myself and I am not very interested in how many days I've been 'sober' when I'm in the middle of one of these crisis where my mind is trying to trick me into just looking at porn for a few minutes; and 2. to find a substitute to focus my mind on when I find those temptations that make me fall again. I've been trying to work out and focus on work to try to prevent me from going back to using porn but haven't been succesful so far.
Thanks again for your help and support.
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matt
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Posted: Tue Jan 24th, 2006 06:11 pm |
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Hi x,
you sound like you're on the right track. One thing that I've found to be helpful is scheduling times throughout the week where I can do something that's exciting to me. A big part of my struggle with this addiction was I was bored in my job and didn't feel like I had much excitement in my life. There's nothing wrong with excitement and when I have something exciting planned, that I can look forward to, it seems to lessen the struggles.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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xyyz
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Posted: Wed Jan 25th, 2006 03:17 pm |
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Matt,
Thanks for responding. I love the idea of scheduling time for doing things that are exciting to me, and I totally relate with the feeling of being bored with work and feeling like I'm going nowhere short term and that fueling up the addiction. My problem at this time is that even if I had something exciting coming up in a couple of days, I feel like I need something right now (when my mind starts wandering) to keep me focused and get me through one more day.
I am going through a particularly bad episode these past two days, and it definitely is a vicious cycle. Once you fall you trick yourself into saying 'well doing it again today doesn't matter anyway since I've already done it once, I'll start again tomorrow'; but by then the excitement it brings pushes you to do it just one more time the next day and everything keeps on going.
I know this might be a lot to ask, since you are busy with your own life plus being an active contributor to this forum, but do you mind if I email you to the address that shows up in your profile, I really feel like I need the support and accountability factor this week.
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matt
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Posted: Wed Jan 25th, 2006 03:52 pm |
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X,
Feel free to e-mail me at that address anytime, I'd be happy to help in anyway I can. I totally relate to having the need for excitement immediately. I work in a small office and have fairly set hours, so I can't just bail on work whenever I want. Also, I have to dress fairly nice, so I can't just go run through the woods or go jogging in the middle of the day. Being proactive is one thing that has really helped me extend my sobriety. I sat down one day and spent a good chunk of time thinking of ways to get that excitement rush within the boundaries of my situation. All of us would have different limitations depending on the situation that we're in, but if you can take some time before the desire hits, you can come up with some really great ideas.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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RTK
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Posted: Fri Jan 27th, 2006 01:11 pm |
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X,
After reading through your post, it sounds like you've some brain cell energy to burn. Have you checked out the alternative activities that are posted in another part of the forum. Perhaps a long bike ride or a trip to the Y for a workout might help get rid of some of that energy!
It is through keeping busy with other activities that my mind doesn't wander very far. It is also important that I take one day at a time. His grace is sufficient for the cares of today.
RTK
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xyyz
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Posted: Wed Mar 8th, 2006 04:56 pm |
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I feel like I'm back to where I started!!! I can't stop!!!
I've made some progress in the past month or so, was able to remain sober for 6, 7, and even 12 days at a time, found an accountability partner on this forum which has helped me a lot but now it seems I just can't handle it anymore. The pressures from life have gotten to me and I have gone back to escaping the only way I know how to, which is acting out. It is a complicated issue with me that includes self doubt and a sense of frustration from feeling like I'm not able to accomplish what I want to in life in general (not just related to my addiction). Lately, it seems I've stumbled and fell at every opportunity I've gotten with porn. Right now I feel really bad and I think it's a way of tricking myself into feeling bad about acting out and taking the focus away from everything else that is bothering me.
Any insights on relapsing like this after some significant improvement will be appreciated. I'm sure this is a pretty common thing when fighting this addiction, just thought that hearing from some of you that have gone through similar situations will help me get through this.
I'll pray for strength and clarity of mind. I also pray all of you are being a lot more successful than I have been this week in beating this addiction.
Thanks.
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Mar 8th, 2006 05:12 pm |
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xyyz wrote: Any insights on relapsing like this after some significant improvement will be appreciated. I'm sure this is a pretty common thing when fighting this addiction, just thought that hearing from some of you that have gone through similar situations will help me get through this.
Hi xyyz, thanks for the update. My input comes in the form of a few questions:
1) Have you sought a counselor who specializes in helping men with this issue?
2) Are you part of a group of other men who are also working towards their freedom?
I totally know how devastating it is to relapse.
1) What boundaries do you need to fix/change/reassess because of this relapse?
2) Are you reading recovery literature on a daily basis?
I really appreciate your update. I sense you are really committed to winning this war, but I still get the sense (at least from my subjective standpoint - take this for what it's worth!) that you're "white knuckling" this. You know, where you're gritting your teeth and telling yourself, "I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna do it." For me, embracing the matter of surrender and doing it was huge for me. When I finally said, "I can't control this addiction. I am out of control and I surrender this to you God.", things finally began to change. You can read more about this in most SA or other 12-step literature about "Step 1", which goes into a lot more detail about what it means to surrender. And further, I've found it is much easier to surrender in the context of a group or healing community.
I've typed a lot. Hopefully something has been helpful to you. Do you have any questions or comments? Please share them if you do!
Your Brother,
Steve
Last edited on Wed Mar 8th, 2006 05:13 pm by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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xyyz
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Posted: Thu Mar 9th, 2006 07:27 pm |
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Steve,
First, let me thank you for your words. Getting your opinion and words of encouragement and support really meant a lot when going through this latest crisis. I think you nailed it right in the head: I am "white knuckling" this, absolutely. That's why I turned to this forum for support and companionship when it comes to this problem, because I've been white knuckling it for very long and I know I can't do it completely alone, that at least I have to talk to somebody about it and be accountable to someone for my actions besides myself.
The answer to most of your quesitons is unfortunately "no". The reason for this is that this is a problem I'm facing in total anonimity. Nobody knows what I am going through and if I told the people closest to me (spouse, family) it would completely destroy them and I don't want to do that to them. It is basically impossible to see a counselor, be a part of a group of men going through this, or even read the recovery literature in secrecy. I absolutely know the great value of all these things, but I simply cannot rely on them unfortunately. I understand maybe here's exaclty where my problem is, I can't win this war alone but I also cannot ask for all the help that would help me win it.
I've surrendered to God, I know He is the only one who can help me with this. I also have gotten great support from this forum. I can really relate to my cyber accountability partner I met here and gotten new perspectives and support from him. Your words and everyone else that responded to my original post have also helped and reading through other people's posts has also encouraged me and gave me a sense of community even if it relates to sharing the same horrible problem. Still, as you very well know, life can be hard sometimes, and with that hardship comes stress, which opens to door to temptation....
Thanks again for your concern. God bless you.
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gwtx
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Posted: Thu Mar 9th, 2006 11:17 pm |
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Hello xyyz,
i understand how you feel. At one time not so long ago i felt exactly the way you do. Here's what i found out...
i struggled w/ a porn addiction for over 30 years. i didn't want anyone to find out about the secret. i could hide behind a mask as good as anyone.
i also tried to kick the habit all by myself. time after time. year after year. i kicked the habit time and again. until the next time.
Then it happened. My wife found the stash of porn. She was devastated. i promised to end the problem. Tears, promises and total humiliation. That was the 1st of many, many more times she would find the stash.
After being married for 25 years she finally had enough. She confronted me for the last time.
She told me she was not going to leave me. She was going to stay w/ me and help me get the help that she knew was available. (i was one of the fortunate ones.)
xyyz, when i got really serious about getting it out in the open, that's when true hope and healing began.
Surf over to CelebrateRecovery.com and see if there is a local group in your area. (There are other groups out that can help also.)
If so...tell the wife that you have some brokeness that your needing to deal with.
It's a safe place. Nobody will judge you.
Everybody has some hurts, habits and/or hangups they need to deal with.
It's just that some decide to be open about them and get the healing started sooner rather than later. Then they can have true joy by passing thay hope on to others.
Sorry about the length, Hope it helps,
gary
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xyyz
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Posted: Mon Mar 13th, 2006 04:33 pm |
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Hello Gary,
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. I can definitely see myself in a lot of what you wrote (struggling alone, hiding this as good as anyone, and kicking the habit until the next time). I completely understand what you are saying and believe me, I want to learn with those that have gone through this; when you say you struggled with this for 30 years it definitely was a wake up call for me. I'll give all that you wrote more thought and respond to you in the next few days. I just wanted to let you know as soon as possible (I haven't been able to access this forum in the past few days since you posted your response) that I really appreciate your words.
Meanwhile I am still going through a very rough time with this addiction and still going at it alone. It's been horrible the last 2 days, it seems every single minute I have available, every little opportunity that comes up, I point by web browser to all the wrong places, where I know temptation will lead me away from the path I've set for myself and that God wants me to keep on.
Thanks again and God bless!
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xyyz
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Posted: Mon Mar 13th, 2006 07:09 pm |
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Update: this is horrible, it's like I'm getting anxiety attacks, I guess my mind doesn't want to get rid of this so easily (I know this is the way it is). I'm really fighting myself not to let everything go right now. It seems I cannot function as a normal human being when my mind is not under my control. I've had a few slips today. Maybe somebody can relate to what I've always said: if there's one thing I wish I could change in my life is never have let myself fall into this trap, that's the first thing I would change without even thinking about it. On the other hand, is this the cause or the consequence of my problems???
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gwtx
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Posted: Tue Mar 14th, 2006 10:00 am |
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Hello xyyz,
Thanks for the response back.
Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and the video, and the scars to show for it.
We can really understand what you're dealing with. It is bigger than us.
That's where i (and others) found out that we ALONE can't fight it, beat it, wait it out, negotiate with it.
i (and others) then decided to do whatever it takes to get this roller-coaster ride over once and for all.
i (and many others) had to admit that we ALONE are totally powerless to this or any other addictive lifestyle.
That is step 1.
Until you get there...it's going to be white-knuckling it...all ALONE. Scary stuff!
It scared me to end this for good when i thought about the desparate situation i would find myself in when i got old and retired: that i would be all ALONE in a room somewhere spankin the monkey w/o a wife; i wouldn't get to walk down the aisle w/ our daughter at her wedding; i would never see our grandkids; i would be living a life w/o anyone caring who i was, where i was at, getting ready to die w/o anyone to give a second thought about me.
Now that is what i starred at right in the face when i decided to turn. Really scary!
So telling my wife, telling people i go to church w/ now, telling people i work w/ now, telling people in small group, sitting at a table somewhere sharing a coffee w/ someone telling them about my feel/felt/found...that's really not too scary at all compared to what i was starring down the road at.
i've gone long again. hope it helps
i (and others) are praying w/ you TOGETHER,
gary
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CJ
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Posted: Tue Mar 21st, 2006 04:52 am |
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Originally posted by Steve
For me, embracing the matter of surrender and doing it was huge for me. When I finally said, "I can't control this addiction. I am out of control and I surrender this to you God.", things finally began to change. You can read more about this in most SA or other 12-step literature about "Step 1", which goes into a lot more detail about what it means to surrender. And further, I've found it is much easier to surrender in the context of a group or healing community.
Your Brother,
Steve
xyyz -- Sorry, I'm a little late to the party, but what Steve said is right on here. More than anything, you've admitted your problem to us. Surrender it to God and ask Him for help every time you feel the urge. Ask Him to visit you RIGHT THEN. I've been 'clean' for 30 days today (as of the 21st), and only because I've finally completely surrendered this to Him. Don't let it drag on, put your flesh down and look only to Him. I pray that I won't relapse -- but face it, we're all human. If it happens, it happens. Cry out for forgiveness and move on -- that's all you can do. Don't let satan guilt you into not going to the Father -- shame is a very powerful deterrent that the accuser uses far too often.
This may sound fairly ambiguious, but believe me, once you start to feel God's presence, everything else fades away. As someone who has helped me walk through this myself said -- 'Don't fight the darkness. Turn on a light.'
CJ
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Mar 22nd, 2006 11:40 am |
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CJ wrote: I've been 'clean' for 30 days today (as of the 21st), and only because I've finally completely surrendered this to Him.
Praise the Lord, my friend! 
As someone who has helped me walk through this myself said -- 'Don't fight the darkness. Turn on a light.'
Indeed. There is a lot of truth to that motto.
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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Steve
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Posted: Thu Apr 27th, 2006 02:47 pm |
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Well xyyz,
How are you doing? Do you care to give us an update? I've noticed you have not posted in awhile. Hopefully you marked the e-mail notification box for this thread and this "bump" will bring you back.
Be encouraged, brother!
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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xyyz
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Posted: Fri May 12th, 2006 11:40 pm |
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Steve,
Thanks for the words of encouragement! Overall I would say I've been doing well after a really dark period. I hit rock bottom and there's only one way to go from there... Anyway, I've had only had like two hard falls during the last 20 days or so, which still isn't much, but given that before i could not go one day without acting up I consider it progress. I guess I've been not posting lately because as strange as this might sound, when I'm doing well and feeling good, just reading the word porn being used in the forums gets my mind to wander places where it shouldn't be going. The problem is I wish I could still keep in touch and maybe encourage others but I guess I'm still far away from being able to do that. Today, as logic might tell you, i'm not having a great day. I need to be much better at handling stress and making a clear distinction between feeling stressed and escaping through the easiest way I know how to (and we all know quite well how easy and accesible that escape can be).
Been praying, thanking God for what I have, which I know is plenty. I feel very blessed in so many ways, but I also feel very sad sometimes when I realize that I still have this horrible problem lurking over me. I know only God can help me get out of this, and more than anything I've asked me for some light when I feel I'm falling.
Anyway, thanks for checking up on me. Thanks brother!
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Steve
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Posted: Sat May 13th, 2006 03:57 pm |
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"Thanks for the words of encouragement! Overall I would say I've been doing well after a really dark period. I hit rock bottom and there's only one way to go from there... Anyway, I've had only had like two hard falls during the last 20 days or so, which still isn't much, but given that before i could not go one day without acting up I consider it progress."
I would say this is definite progress. You are learning that you don't need to live with pornography everday. I would like to hear more about what exactly happened in your relapse. (I don't need to know the gorey details about specific behaviors.) Here are some questions:
-What were your feeling prior to acting out? (What were you stressed out about? What was troubling you?)
-What tools in your recovery did you not use?
-What have you learned about your addiction?
-What needs to be different so you don't relapse again?
"I guess I've been not posting lately because as strange as this might sound, when I'm doing well and feeling good, just reading the word porn being used in the forums gets my mind to wander places where it shouldn't be going."
I can relate to what you said sometimes.
"The problem is I wish I could still keep in touch and maybe encourage others but I guess I'm still far away from being able to do that."
Friend, if you ever look at some of my other postings, you will notice I totally sound like a broken record. You have GOT TO get involved in some kind of group and/or community of other men who are working towards their own recoveries. I'm telling you: This is probably one of the top things that helps men get free. Join a group somewhere. Find a counselor who specializes in sexual addiction. Talk to someone in your real life who will listen to you, support you and love you unconditionally. You have got to break out of the isolation! The shame that men feel when they're stuck in this addiction keeps them isolated and unwilling to talk to other men about it ... but being open about your addiction is probably 50% of the battle.
If I can help you work through any of these issues or if you have follow-up questions or comments, please feel free to contact me.
Honestly, it's just so difficult seeing guys on here posting how tough things are for them (and believe me, I've been there myself - I know!), and yet are not doing the basics of opening up to one another in a safe environment.
Thanks for the update. Keep in touch!
-Steve
Last edited on Sat May 13th, 2006 04:01 pm by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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