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Denor
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 05:39 pm |
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I'm not sure quite how to begin this, but I hope some people will hear me out and give their thoughts.
I am addicted to porn. I've been trying to hide it for so long, and trying to stop for years, but every time I just get pulled.
I am not a religious man - In some ways I wish I were, but to all those reading, let's leave religion out of it - This is not something i'm doing for any higher being.. I'm doing it because I need help and I don't know where to turn, i've become desperate.. I have nothing against religion, in fact I have nothing but respect, but it's something that I don't feel will help me..
My story is this: I am in a long-distance relationship with a woman and have been for a few years. Throughout this time i've been on and off porn like a yo-yo.. The most notable thing that really alerted me to the fact that I have a problem is when we had a discussion about our views on porn, and I pretended I didn't do it and gave my honest views - That it's wrong to do it, especially if you're in a loving relationship, and then I promised her I never would look at pornography.
And I kept that promise for about a month. But every so often it breaks, and I fall again.. I convince myself that i'll always feel this lust, so I might as well do it and keep it secret, but then after the first time I masturbate I feel overwhelmingly guilty and horrible, and I keep imagining her finding out and the only way to deal with that pain is to erase all trace and promise myself not to do it. This has gone on for so, so long.. It happens usually after she leaves on a long stay together, which happens every few weeks - I'm fine up until then, but once I am away from her I become desperate. Then that cycle starts over again..
On new years eve we got engaged. She proposed to me and I accepted, as I want to because I love her with all my being.. But again, as soon as she left my home I felt the urge and convinced myself it's not so bad to.. And now i've decided enough is enough.. I need SOMETHING to help..
I know that what i've been doing is wrong, and I can't talk to her about it because I am convinced she'd never look at me the same way if I told her the truth.. The most terrifying thing for me is that the thought of her leaving me over this isn't a deterrant enough, I just keep coming back and I can't anymore.. I don't want to do it, and I don't want to WANT to do it.. I wish I didn't desire it as I do.
Please, lend me your thoughts and your ears.. I need help, is there any way to stop craving it as I do? To break the cycle? I feel so hopeless..
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matt
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 07:20 pm |
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Denor,
First welcome to the boards and congrats on the courage to take the necessary first step of reaching out and asking for help. It seems that this is far from the norm today that men even admit that they may need help.
I don't mind to leave religion out of it, as I have many friends in recovery who don't believe. FYI, though, I'm not doing this for any higher being either, I'm in recovery for my own sanity and for my future.
My first suggestion is to get accountability. While you've taken the first step in posting here, I suggest you try to continue and remain accountable here. Ideally, you can find someone in your area to be accountable face to face. My addiction stems from lack of understanding how to "do" intimacy and relationships.
Also, try to accept the grace and love that is shared here. I care about you because of who you are, not because I expect you to live up to any certain expectations or because I expect you to eventually "come onboard' as a believer. That's not for me to decide. Would you be ok with my praying for you and your desire to be free of this, even though you don't believe?
Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help or if you have any other questions.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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Denor
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Posted: Tue Jan 3rd, 2006 11:17 pm |
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Ah, thank you so much for your reply! It brings me a lot of hope to see someone say something encouraging, especially so soon..
First off i'll tackle the points on religion: Please don't get the wrong idea! I have nothing but respect for religion and those who believe, and to be honest, it really inspires me that people reach out to eachother here as they do - This forum has inspired me already with what little of it i've read - I mentioned it because it seems many people take God as their reason and symbol for giving it up, and a lot of the advice i've read has a lot to do with that - I think it's inspiring, but it's not something that will help me.. To be honest, I am scared people will disregard me for my lack of faith and choose not to share advice.. I would be honoured if you prayed for me.. Thank you so much.
I think accountability is a great idea.. May I ask, how does it work here? I'm a little uncertain on how it works on a forum-basis.. Unfortunately, I can't really risk doing it with people I know that live near me, I'm really scared to trust anyone for fear of them destroying the life i'm trying so hard to protect.
Thank you, you've given me hope..
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 02:11 am |
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Denor,
I think I'll let Matt and some of the guys continue in this thread to answer some of your questions, but I did want you to know you are prayed and cared for by others besides Matt.....and that you may be surprised to find others in your area struggling with the same things and openly seeking recovery AND confidentiality with one another as well! I'll ask God to give you all you need in this process to find help and healing! 
captivated
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matt
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 02:15 pm |
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Denor,
First off, if we were to disregard you for your lack of faith, that would be a severe slap in the face of the one who started our faith in the first place, as the only people that he disregarded were the leaders of the church (both funny and ironic at the same time). I think its great that you had the courage to post here even though you don't believe. If more people felt comfortable enough to approach Christians without feeling the judgement, our world, and our faith, would be much better off.
Acountability here can work several ways. There is an accountability forum where you can post consistent updates with how you're doing in your recovery. Also, myself and probably others would be willing to work on accountability with you via email or private messaging if you preferred that route. The key is that you begin to regularly discuss this with someone and bring it out into the light. As you begin to build relationships with other men, they'll be able to offer suggestions that may help in recovery.
Please know that I have and will continue to pray for you. Also, feel free to continue asking questions, as the more truth that you can understand about this addiction, the more weapons you'll have to attack it.
____________________
In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.
-Blaise Pascal
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Denor
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Posted: Wed Jan 4th, 2006 10:35 pm |
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Thank you very much, Matt.. I think a more personal form of accountability would be best for me, although I would like to join the community as well.. I believe you are completely right.
Uh, i'm not sure if I shold be concerned but my account was deleted today. I re-made it to do this post. Could someone explain?
Last edited on Wed Jan 4th, 2006 10:35 pm by
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mike
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Posted: Thu Jan 5th, 2006 01:57 pm |
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Denor, you and lilhoney are banned from this forum for private message issues.
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