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phil3:10
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Posted: Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 07:18 am |
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hi,
i'm new to this forum - new to any forum actually - but i came to this forum because i found this website which believes in the bible and yet is real people talking about real problems and finding solutions and overcoming in the strength of God. i come from a christian family and we attend a bible believing church which could be termed as fundamentalist evangelical. there are a lot of good things about this but we never talk about issues such as porn or sex in the family or in the church, even in the young men's group. or if we do we are expected to be nearly perfect and not to be addicted to masturbation like i am and have been since age 12. lately i have been using porn to "spice it up" and that it when i realised i am in trouble. i have a jekl-hyde personality which means that i hate this sort of thing and feel really guilty about it and feel as if god cant forgive me (are there any verses in the bible for gods forgiveness about porn) but then when i get the urge i still do it. my main social life is in the church and we are "encouraged" - really forced - not to talk to girls my own age. (for youth group boys and girls are split up) the problem is that i love - i think - another girl and i think she does me - but we are not allowed to show this and so the only expression is has if we meet is eye contact (she has the most beautiful eyes!) the frustration of not being able to talk to her about this is one of the things that has drived me to masturbation, and yet when i think about her after i have looked at porn i hate myself. another reason is because i have had an inferiority complex and so masturbation was a way to forget that.
i was wondering is my love for her wrong at my age 19 and what should i do. i think if the maleness in me has this outlet my other problems will start to go. i love god but for some reason my life is lonely without her even though ive got god. marriage in our church is not allowed until at least 27 and the'right thing to do' is not to get married until 30. i need help, what is Gods way for me to deal with this love, i cant get rid of it.
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sam
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Posted: Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 02:17 pm |
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welcome phil,
well, i am in no way qualified to tell you what is right or wrong. i can say that god has a different plan for each and every one of us. i met my hubby when i was 16 and married him at 17, he was 23. i was so young when we started our life together and we both have changed a lot through the years. god was very merciful to me to allow the man he created just for me to come into my life at that early age.
when you said that you thought if your maleness had an outlet that maybe your other problems will go away. i really don't think that is the case. they may for a season, but the desire is already there. you will find no answer to your problems anywhere except your relationship with christ. he alone is where we need to focus. you are 19, you will have plenty of time to have a beautiful sexual relationship within the bonds of marriage, don't be in a rush. be gentle with yourself and just strive to be in his will.
as far as scripture that addresses god's forgiveness for viewing porn, there is none that are specifically for that, but take all of the verses that talk about forgiveness in general and apply it to your situation.
i am praying for you.
sam
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sam
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Posted: Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 02:24 pm |
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| oh, phil3:10 is a great scripture! hang tough my brother.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Jul 2nd, 2008 06:28 pm |
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Hi phil3:10,
There are several things going on at the same time, which is not helping the confusion. One thing you must be honest about, though, is that the masturbation preceeded your interest in this young lady, so there is absolutely no connection between your current acting out and your church-imposed eye-contact-only. Also, as you go back through posts on this site, you will find that many have hoped that a girlfriend/marriage would be the solution to their sin, but it has not. It is important to seek sexual purity before beginning a relationship, because you need to be strong in your commitment to purity in order to withstand the temptations that arise within the emotional escalation of a relationship. Additionally, as appealing as courting/dating may be, it can be stressful, since the better you get to know someone the more likely you are to discover each other's flaws, differing interests, etc., which may, for either of you, lead to the realization at some point, that this person is not the one God has with whom you are to spend the rest of your life. If you do not mutually reach this decision, one of you is going to be very hurt. If you have not already dealt with the purity issue, and it is not your choice to end a relationship, you are likely to fall deeper in to your need to escape through acting out.
A set of books that we picked up for our sons which they seem to have found helpful is Every Young Man's Battle, Book and Workbook. Another one you might find helpful to read is The Purpose Driven Life. I recommend that one in regard to your sense of inferiority. There is a poem quoted near the beginning by Russell Kelfer which begins:
"You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God's special woman or man."
You are uniquely created by God, and as the old saying says, "God don't make no junk." He made us each unique to fulfill a unique role in His world, and His body. If we were all the same, God's work could not be accomplished. The important thing is that we surrender whatever God has designed us to do back to Him to use as He will, and be faithful in being who He has designed us to be, not propetually wistful that He didn't make us like someone we admire, or believe others admire. It would not have been a miracle if Jesus had fed the five thousand with the abundance some rich merchant had given for His use, but it was a miracle when a little boy was willing to give up what little he had, no matter how meager the lunch, for Jesus' sake. It is important to truly grasp your worth to God, because if you seek to fill your need for validation with other fallible human beings, they will eventually disappoint you.
I am concerned about your church's teaching about specific ages to marry, as the Bible does not give any such guidelines. Certainly some degree of spiritual maturity is helpful, as well as being sufficiently employed to support a family, which in our day usually means having completed college/vocational training. It would seem to me that church social activities would be an excellent place for young men and women to get to know one another, where there are not the temptations that come with the isolation of going on a date. It is very important to maintain a boundary of not having complete privacy prior to marriage. Yes, you want to be able to talk where you can get to know each other honestly without others overhearing everything, but uninterruptible privacy is playing with fire.
Back to the masturbation matter. Do you remember how that got started? Understanding how and why it started can often be a key in breaking the cycle. Do you have a male friend with whom you could be accountable, who might receive e-mail from any accountability software you might choose? 1 Cor. 7 speaks of it being "better to marry than to burn with passion," but first you must separate the seven year habbit of masturbation from the desire to get to know this, or any other young lady.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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phil3:10
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 07:11 am |
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thanks for your comments, i feel encouraged. do you have any specific ideas what to do when the urge actually comes on; sometimes i feel as if i have to do masturbation to overcome the urge before i view porn, because my past experience is if i am really strong for a few days, even a week or two weeks the urge is stronger so the longer i keep off it the more likely i am to view porn.
also in regards to filters, is there one that will block all images? we have a filter on our computor at home but is only blocks the actual websites, not searches on google images or even some videos on you-tube.
thanks to truthseeker, sam. it is encouraging to know that people understand.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 12:31 pm |
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Hi phil3:10,
I am certainly no expert in filters, but we have used SafeEyes, and it is one of the most configurable filters out there, though it runs about $50 per year. I'm not sure that it can be set to block all images, but it can be set to require that only Google's safe image search is permitted. You can, as you probably know, turn off images in Internet Explorer in "options" on the "tools" menu, but of course, you can turn it back on as well.
Strategies that have worked for some at the computer include always playing christian music while surfing, keeping bible or pictures of loved ones highly visible at the computer, and limiting time at the computer to specific tasks rather than unfocused browsing. Busying oneself with exercise, hobbies or getting involved in non-computer activities can be very helpful. Some people, for general problems of wandering eyes and thoughts, will wear one of those colorful elastic bracelets with a christian message, and snap it just enough to sting when their mind starts heading the wrong direction.
It is important to learn to recognize the earliest sign of trouble, and immerse yourself in God, who is the only one who can perfectly fill the void you seek to fill with M and porn.
I reiterate what Sam said about all verses about forgiveness apply to all sin. Keep in mind, though, that God's forgiveness, and His mercy to work in our lives even when we have wallowed in our sin, does not always negate the natural consequences that we may face.
Also, Sam has a thread on music, I believe in the "other topics" forum.
May you be lead by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Thu Jul 3rd, 2008 02:36 pm |
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well, i used to have besafeonline. it was a good one, but i think you can pretty much get past any filter if you really put your mind to it. right now, i am filter free because i am not tempted with porn anymore. as far as what to do when you feel the urge coming on, well, i have not had a lot of success with that at this point, but... i am excited to say that i really really wanted to m last night and this morning. i am hooked on doing it multiple times a day. anyway, i took the thoughts captive. i decided that i was tired of this thing controlling me. i asked god for strength and he provided. just don't give up. remember, with god all things are possible.
god bless you,
sam
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eternalgil
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Posted: Mon Jul 7th, 2008 08:09 pm |
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With regards to web filters, a free and amazing software is K9. You can find it at http://www.k9webprotection.com It will not allow any inappropriate sites through, including youtube etc.
It is a great thing that you are mature enough to recognize that you have a challenge with M before you get married. Members of this site have given you some great advise, I hope you would consider some of their recommendation.
I can't change the past but if I knew then (at your age) what I know now...... It's God's plan to challenge me and I accept it:-)
God Bless,
EternalGil
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phil3:10
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Posted: Thu Sep 11th, 2008 08:28 am |
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hi
i have not posted for a few months and i have been doing much better - did not do m for a month and did not view p on the internet in that time. but i think it was just because i was so busy at uni that i was distracted from it. last week i felt really depress about life in general and that caused me to disable the filter and view p and then m. so i think the real issue is depression, because the go together and dpression always precedes it. i am in such bondage to that, and i live as if God hates me and is always about to punish me (i have a fundamentally wrong concept of the Fatherhood of God but reading all the verses in the Bible do not change it for some reason). i strive to please God in absolutely everything and when i do not i am really ashamed and discouraged and also it wears me out so when i please God i get very stressed and have negative thoughts about myself.
what i was wondering is there a post on this site to discuss depression, feelings that God is out to get me etc. etc. so that i can experience a measure of healing in this and then other areas.
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minuspride
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Posted: Thu Sep 11th, 2008 02:40 pm |
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Phil,
I also have depression but it is a result of my addiction to P and M. I'm not sure how long you have been an addict but speaking for myself, I estimate that my addiction started at least two decades ago (I'm 36). M was a daily activity for me and as a result created a chemical imbalance in my brain. I'm free from M and P and my sobriety has lasted a little under 4 weeks now. Before that was 20 days. I'm making progress every day and the lord has delivered to me so many victories. I don't think about the porn or masturbation anymore but I do sometimes feel the devil is always near waiting to push a button or two and break me.
Sorry for the tangent; I now compliment my sobriety with anti-depressants and they have been very helpful. In addition, meeting some awesome Christian men, telling my story over and over again, counseling etc. If you think less of your selfish needs to please yourself (I say that with love) and focus your relationship with Christ the King evolving your relationship with him, the thoughts of porn and masturbation will slowly disappear.
Praying for You
MP
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ManOWar
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Posted: Sat Nov 15th, 2008 01:30 am |
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Hi Phil. I share the same problem as you, but one thing I really want to say is that
socializing with other women in my church encourages and strengthens my walk.
Before going to the church I currently attend, I really had no female friends and was
very isolated. But by becoming social and hanging out IN GROUP SETTINGS - cant
stress that enough! - it has shown me what beautiful creatures women are and helped
me develop a healthy respect for them. Healthier, anyways - before this church they were
ONLY sex objects to me.
Besides, IMHO it sounds like you are involved in a very "religious" church. I say that in
the bad sense.
Boy-girl friendships are GOOD when they are not based on attraction. Besides, you need
friendship first before you should start dating someone! How can you even know what
the girls in your church are like if you cant hang with them?
Jesus isnt about rules and regulations. He came to bring us freedom - there is PLENTY of
scripture about that. Shouldnt you be free to explore HEALTHY, UNSEXUALLY - RELATED
relationships with people your own age?
All I can say is I would not want to go to your church.
Think about it -
A brother in Christ,
ManOWar
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