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loveconquersall
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| Joined: | Mon Apr 7th, 2008 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 06:20 pm |
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I'm new to talking about our situation. We have been going through this for 6 years, and this weekend, really blew through the roof. My husband knows how badbly p and m upsets me, and what it does to my self image. About 3 mos ago, I found some hidden files on our computer, and I handled it the best I could. I let him know, once again, w/o yelling or name calling, by talking to him when he got home. He told me he thought before that he just wasn't hiding it well enough, and that he would stop. He took my hand, looked into my eyes, and promised me he would do his best to stop. About 2-3 weeks later, our sex became different once again, and he was making more trips to the restroom. I found more stuff on our computer a couple of days ago, disturbing stuff, and we cried and talked so much about it. He told me about his addiction, and begged me to stay. He said he would do anything to help me get through this while we're getting treatment. I've been reading about rules to establish to help regain trust, and I feel like I should ask him for his passwords to all his private accounts. I feel that if he gives me the passwords, I will know he's not keeping any secrets from me. I'm worried about our relationship being damaged even further. The relationship we had before was a huge lie, and we need to rebuild from the ground up. I think this might be a start to rebuliding this new trust. Also, is it ok for me to ask him if he's stopped m and looking at p?
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 07:44 pm |
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Hi loveconquersall,
Welcome to BG, though I am sorry you need to be here.
If your husband truly wants your marriage to heal, not only will he do all that he needs to to break these chains, but will be an open book for you. Yes, this includes passwords, and answering questions honestly. The challenge is to ask/verify enough to start rebuilding trust, without badgering/appearing obsessed. Keep in mind that he could opt to lie about anything which cannot be verified. You appear to have somewhat of a barometer of whether or not he is acting out by how he interacts intimately.
Is he a believer? Does he acknowledge this behavior as sinful? Is he truly seeking to please God, or only trying to placate you? Is he taking steps to break these chains, such as counselling, an accountability group or partners, intensive study of the issues involved, as well as Bible study?
Praying for you both...
TruthSeeker
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loveconquersall
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 09:35 pm |
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Over the last couple of years, we have both drifted away from God. Since the confession, we have grown closer with Him, and have every intention of continuing our new found faith. We love each other very much. He is very honest so far with everything. So honest, in fact, I feel bad for putting him through this. I know that's crazy thinking, but it's true. I wanna step back a week ago, when I could lie to myself that our marriage was fine. But I know, with us going through this now, will make us so much stronger. We can rebuild a stronger foundation on the right and truthful beliefs. I have optimistic hopes, but when I see the future, our happiness seems so far away, and I can't get these tears to stop running down my cheeks. He said he finally understands how I feel. He has a hard time looking at and talking to me because of the pain. He's feeling terrible because he knows he caused my pain. I'm praying even more than I have when I was a strong Christian, and I know it'll work. It's just so hard right now.
I'm looking for a book to help me heal. I found plenty explaining sexual addiction, but I need one too. Any recommendations? It feels so good and relieving to be able to talk to someone who's been, maybe still going through, all this turmoil of emotions and recovery. Thank you for your support!
By the way, we are scheduled for plenty of couseling, and he has found an accountability partner, along with a supportive forum that reviews inspiring scriptures. We're still looking for a group in our area.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 10:48 pm |
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Hi loveconquersall,
You are both experiencing completely common things, not that that makes it any easier. It is a good thing that your pain is penetrating his conscience, and it is not easy for us wives to watch the resulting period of self-loathing, as I call it.
I realize that there may be a lot of threads to go through, but there is a lot of great information in the "resources" forum here. I have heard good things about a book called Captivating, which I think is by John and Staci Eldrich. (I don't vouch for spelling, but if you search under title at christianbook.com, I'm sure you'll find it.)
A number of people have found
Celebrate Recovery
to be a beneficial program.
TruthSeeker
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