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idjit
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Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 08:09 am |
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Hi! I am 31, divorced dad. I don't know how much of a part porn played in my failed marriage. I was surely a failure as a husband, and I don't ever want to get married again... too much responsibility and expectation and I just can't seem to live up to the ideal of it. I think my ex found out about the porn like 3 months before our separation (not that she would have ever told me), and it aggravated all of the hurt she felt from me over the past 7 years. I have been addicted to m since I was like 5. p since I first saw it at age 12. I had sex first when I was 12 and raptly listened to prince since I was 13. hypersexual, unpopular, uncool, picked on, sexually predatory (nothing illegal, just immoral), maybe I have woman-hatred issues. I don't know but I do know that I am tired of being mastered by my "precious", I am tired of being uncleen, I am tired of guilt and festering sin. I am tired of being alone, of not trusting anyone, of not being accepted, strengthened and encouraged. I am tired of dying, inside. I am tired of failing. I want support, I want to be a support, I want freedom. Has anyone around here found freedom from m, and become a normal person also?
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 12:25 pm |
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Yes,
God led me to freedom. Approx. 6 years. Read My Testimony of the Works of Jesus Christ here in this section.
Also, highly recommend http://purelifeministries.org
These people really know God and the power of repentance unto Salvation. Many solid testimonies. Many great sermons now downloadable or can be listened to on-line.
Wilderness Voice
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Journey
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Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 01:21 pm |
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Welcome!
I am on a journey to freedom, as are many that you will meet here. It sounds like you are in a good place, because the journey starts with being ready for change. Jesus himself said that He came to set the captives free, this is why there is hope for each one of us. If I may ask, Are you a follower of Christ?
Journey
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sam
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Posted: Sat Feb 23rd, 2008 01:52 pm |
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hi there,
so sorry to hear of all your issues. your choice of a username kinda makes me sad. anyway, you will be loved and accepted here as well as prayed for.
bless you,
sam
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idjit
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 05:05 am |
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hi wilderness voice! so, you don't ever m or have the controlling sexual thoughts anymore? I can't imagine looking at a woman with a pure heart. Thank you for the website and encouragement. are you married? if so, do you feel you enjoy sex as much, or is it better (i mean, honestly). I just don't know what a sexless/pure sex life looks like.
I really don't want to be alone, but I don't want the pressure of "measuring up". I guress being alone is not the worst thing, the thought of disappointing another woman makes me want to vomit. When does purity become fun?
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idjit
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 05:09 am |
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hi journey, I am just glad that I don't have to be as alone anymore, I can have support from people who understand. I hope I can develop the relationships, and the character to maintain them, that will comfort me in this desert. I hope I can "feel" hope and sustainance. I want to love again.
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idjit
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 05:31 am |
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hi sam, thanks for the welcome and concern over my screen name :-) if yosemite sam could call bugs an idjit in front of millions of kids in the 40's, I guess I can accept it as my moniker for a while... the shoe does seem to fit (witness large swath of destruction in my wake). I sure hope I can find friends, even if its in the sex-fiend recovery group (no offense meant, honestly the best place I could have ended up, given my failings and the integrity of the warriors here). thank you for your prayer, and care, and I do really thank God for it, like a thirsty man is glad for a billboard "refreshment: 23 miles"
journey: sorry I did not adress: I had a great relationship with God, I felt satisfied in every fibre. I still struggled with m, eventually it and p won over thru the open gates of my fortress, which I flung open to welcome in the "fun for a season". Did not turn out to be so fun. saved since 95, happy for 2-3 years (first time in my life i was powerful, pure in speach, thought, in love with jesus, overcoming). I had no root and returned to my vomit and shame.
I miss him more than anything, but I don't know if I can return, and I don't know if I can make it back from where I am. I don't know if I'm saved and I don't know if this type of recovery is possible. "if you are ensnared again and overcome...better to have never known the way than to have known and left" etc. I have been suicidal and feelling like even my kids would be better off without me. Such a sad story. But I'm here now, and hopefully I can find Jesus again, and hopefully i'll believe in love.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 04:53 pm |
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Hello Brother Sheep,
I call you this, because once I understood your user name, I couldn't bring myself to address you by it, and because I would ask that you would read the entirety of Luke chapter 15, in which you will read just how fervently the Shepherd has been seeking your return, the Father the return of His son, and just how much rejoicing there is in Heaven as you are found, and return.
Yes, learn from the past, but look toward the future. God has a plan for your life, (Jer. 29:11,) and longs to have you seek your first spiritual love of the Savior.
May you not only listen for the Shepherd's voice, but bleat loudly, so you reach one another all the faster.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 06:13 pm |
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hello again my new friend,
forgive me for also not calling you the i word. even though it seems you have a sense of humor behind it's choice. it still just doesn't seem to fit even with the path you mention leaving behind. honestly i, along with several folks here have left that very same path, so don't feel alone. hmm.. i never really thought of this place as being a sex-fiend recovery group.... made me laugh when i read it though. but i suppose it fits, sorta.
hear me in this please, no matter what you have done or where you have been, no one in this world would be better off without you... especially your kids. i have known grown adults that had parents that killed themselves and it is such a hard burden to them even though it happened many years ago and they didn't have a great relationship with them. one in particular was a man and let me tell you, he cried when talking about it as if he was going through it all over again and he is in his late 40's and his dad had died when he was a teenager. that pain will never completely leave him. you can't ever give up, if you do it's like your saying that god can do nothing for you, that he is not in control... my dear brother, he loves you with such a passion, that even though we are far from perfect and will never really be perfect, he is still here for us. loving us, and wanting to have us bask in his glory. i wasn't quite sure from your mention of suicidal thoughts if you had already made it past them or not, so i just felt led to address it. if you have moved past it, then wonderful. very happy to hear.
i for one am very happy you are here too. i look forward to hear more about your quest to satisfy a thirst for "living water". believe me that last 23 miles you have to go is a lot closer than you think.
many blessings,
sam
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hans45
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 07:47 pm |
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Hi idjit,
That greeting sounds and feels a little mean. I know God does not think you're an idjit. Anyway, delighted you're here. All of us here are on a journey. Some of us have been exactly in your shoes. I have been addicted to pornography for the most part of my adult life. I have been married more than once. My first marriage was torn to pieces because of lust and adultry. It did terrible damage to my then wife and my two young children. I still was not smart enough to change my evil ways and this caused so much pain and agony for the next 30 years. 30 years!. It took that long for me to realize that this WAS NOT what God had in mind for me. I wasted so many years of my life filled with sinful lusting and thoughts that could have been spent serving God. Not to speak of the thousands of dollars that I spent feeding this sinful addiction.
There is an answer and there is hope. The answer is Jesus Christ. The journey starts now. Where do you stand with Jesus? And are you willing and brave enough to take the first step of the journey and lay it all out at His feet? It will not be a smooth journey. It will be full of up hill battles and chug holes. You will probably fall down a lot. Addiction is powerful and hard to shake. Everytime you have a victory Satan is face to face with you. God is the only hope we have through Jesus Christ that we will be victorious in the end. You will be in my daily prayers and I pray that God will take this thorn from your side and give you peace, contentment and understanding. God bless you.
Dennis
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Journey
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 09:02 pm |
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I really don't want to be alone, but I don't want the pressure of "measuring up". I guress being alone is not the worst thing, the thought of disappointing another woman makes me want to vomit. When does purity become fun?
Hi, id
What a great question! "When does purity become fun?" I've been married for 20 years, been a Christian for 35, and 95% of my sex life with my husband I would not qualify as fun. Lots of reasons there, but I have asked the same sort of questions.
The one thing I can think of right now is that if pure fun sex is our #1 priority, then we might need to take a look at our priorities. I don't know the answer, but I'm thinking perhaps purity becomes fun when we get some other priorities straight first, one being my receiving God's love and grace for me, and another being God having priority in my own heart. I am very grateful for my group called Celebrate Recovery that is loving me, accepting me, and really helping me face and accept the condition of my heart, and pointing me to God for answers.
We need to cry out to God with our longings, fears, disappointments, and desires! He who made our hearts knows what will satisfy us most. I'm preaching to myself here too. 
Love you, brother!
Journey
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junkyardboy
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Posted: Sun Feb 24th, 2008 11:08 pm |
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greetings idjit from another idjit,
11 year marraige and 2 kids, interning for the ministry, adultry and the shame of church discipline. a new wife and kids and the murder of my wife in a store robbery.
have we shared in the darkness of despair my friend?
25 years it has taken me to truly understand:
19 Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? 20 For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body.
! Cor. 6:18 - 20
i have learned to praise God for every tear as He has taught me the true cost of my purchase.
comfort and peace is in the Book, my friend.
peter
p.s. purity becomes fun when we know it is God's will.
Last edited on Sun Feb 24th, 2008 11:09 pm by junkyardboy
____________________
have we been abandoned by God?
http://www.apprising.org/archives/2006/11/dr_john_macarth.html
http://www.valleybible.net/position_papers.php
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 03:07 am |
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About names - there is a beautiful story of a priest who had such a terrible past that he would often refer to himself in prayer as a "Mangey Donkey." "God, I'm nothing but a mangey donkey." He never told another soul this name. Only God had heard it in private prayer. Well this man was actually very saintly in his life and one time he was on the steps of a cathedral during some revolt or war in Spain; and a menacing man with a gun came up within a few feet of him and pointed directly at him ready to pull the trigger. A huge man came running up and knocked the gunman down and the gun went sprawling away from him. As he ran past the priest he stopped long-enough to whisper in his ear "Mangey Donkey. Mangey Donkey." Yes, God sent an angel to protect His humble servant and called him by a name that only God knew.
My wife and I love that story so much - she often calls herself God's Idiot Child and I have been known to refer to myself as a Dented Can full of Botulism. Now, I would have to say through Jesus Christ that a "Dented Can," would suffice. However a big Idjit you might be, God can perform a miracle in your life. He did in mine.
But in answer to your specific questions - no, I do not m and haven't even come close to it since God delivered me. But you must read my testimony for the details as it was accomplished in a way that is not normally approached by the churches or counselors. That is why I recommended PureLifeMinistries; because even though I was dealt with directly by God, what ministry they have (which my wife and I discovered much later) is basically the same thing we went through on our own.
I am so different from what I was before that you would have to label me as one of the ultra-converted. If you could go to heaven and view a screen of my life - you would not really believe that I am the same person today that I was many years ago.
My wife and I are very, very close and deeply in love. We have what might be described as a story-book relationship filled with romance. But we also have suffered many, many heartaches together and have lived in the midst of the sufferings of Christ. Mutually agreeable to us both (and I've said this here many times before, that I cannot say that what is right for us is right or recommended for others) we focus almost nothing on our sex life. On a percentage scale it occupies about a fraction of one percent of our lives and has been that way for several years. We both are grateful for this. Sex used to occupy so much of our lives, especially mine. We feel a freedom never before known because our minds are just not there. I cannot say that there is no natural human desire in my life, but the lust is gone. The constant seeking of sexual fulfilment is gone by the Grace of God. We are opposite most people in our thinking as we view the absence of a strong sexual drive as a wonderful gift of God and praise hHm for the lack thereof.
Again, I must say that this is entirely unlike what I used to be. But for one who was consumed in the flames of hellish lust for years and years - an utter slave to sexual sin - I count it the Grace of God that my mind is restored to a level of purity that I never thought was possible.
If you want to know more - you can read many of my posts in Other Topics.
God can bring you back from the vomit trough. I was there and by His Grace will never be there again.
I will walk in Heaven's fair land absolutely transparant unto My Saviour. This is the desire of my heart, that nothing would stand between me and God, that my inner man would be free of the stains and soils of sin and self and that He could look upon me and see straight through - that all that would transpire between me and God would be Love. No shame and shrinking - just Love. I know that He will grant me this desire to the uttermost. Even though I called myself a Christian, for many years I was filled with such shame and disgrace. All the preaching of Grace and my praying did not remove the filthiness of the flesh because I kept going back again and again. Now I truly understand real repentance and abounding Grace that frees from sin for it has transpired for me. I know what it means to take up the Cross and follow Jesus.
I pray others find the same.
WV
Like Peter said in Acts: "Repent and be converted that your sins may be blotted out."
Last edited on Mon Feb 25th, 2008 03:21 am by Wilderness Voice
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idjit
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 07:44 am |
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Wow! I have been around a while, but not around a lot (haha, i know that doesn't make any real sense). What I mean is that I feel so silly having been sheltered from you all for all of this time. And I pride myself on being in the know about important stuff. The depth of wisdom and understanding on this board is touching and inspiring. I have truely missed out on richer fare in the friend category :-) (honestly, I am pretty cynical inside, and hope is but a flicker, but a flicker nonetheless).
I want to preface our relationship with a sincere apology, because I know I will probably write hurtful things, and I know I will show myself to be an utter fool. Please, please don't be afraid to set me straight, and please don't stop praying, and please, somebody walk me out of here.
Truthseeker: I like brother sheep, but it seems too kind for me, I'm nowhere near as good as a sheep. you seem like you really care how I see myself, and one of the first things that I regret here (aside from all of my regrets, caveats, and disclaimers) is my moniker choice, just because it is an offense to the people who probably have felt like me before, and to whom God has shown thier value. I can see that, I just wish it didn't feel like it fit me so well. Honestly, as a free man I would never tolerate someone adressing me the way I adress myself.
Yes, me returning and loving God again would be wonderful. I want that. It has been so long, and I have felt so icredibly DIRTY... bondage is so degrading. I feel like samson must have felt: humbled, blinded, tricked, stupid, arogant, IDIOT. This is the nature of man. The worst part is ... being such an idiot. 7 years of destruction, you yeild so much, you forget where you came from and where you're going, but you know its not good. "a certain dread which will consume the enemies of God" seems to envelope you, consume you until it's a certainty. Hell. And me now in my wickedness. having fallen from such heights, I don't know anyone who was rescued in adulthood from his empty pagan life, who chose and tasted the goodness of God, who has soared in the spirit and purity, then returned to wallowing with pigs for a lifetime and destroyed his family, then has found life again... I don't know if it's possible. or maybe I'm just a selfish, lazy crazyman who could give a crap but makes himself feel guilty cuz he has to. I don't know, but I really hope this place is a firm rock to take a first step. I pray I am worthy of this group and that this group is pleasing to God.
Hi sam! :-) thanks for calling me freind. I'ts so ... well, odd to hear someone say "we've been down there, you're not alone" when I know we are all talking about major rebellion and sin. I am looking forward to having new brothers and sisters as beacons and leaders. glad for the laugh at the "fiend" comment, lol. Never met a bunch of nicer fiends :-)
suicide: I see the destruction it would cause, and I don't ever want to see my famiy have to deal with it. http://www.suicide.org has some amazing exhortation and insight into depression and the havoc that suicide wreaks. There have just been many, intense moments, when it all adds up, and the pain is rediculous, and you just get selfish. I hate those times, they are like "death pangs" instead of birth pangs, and I need to be free of them.
thank you for being glad I am here, very kind and gracious of you to say. I hope my "quest" is fruitful, and I can be a guide and lamp for someone else. I wish that somehow, my heart will change, and my words will burn with faith and life. Thank you for saying that the "23 miles" is closer than I think. My situation seems like death, what a fantastic hope, a journey from death to life, again?
Hi hans! I hate my guts, and its real hard for me to see God not being seriously po'd with me, but thank you so much for being glad I'm here, and don't feel mean, i feel super comfy with it.
Thank you for your testimony. I can see how you would feel the same overwhelming sense of responsibility and failure that I am feeling. I pray for healing for you and your family. I don't know where I stand with Him, except that I am afraid, angry, hurt and alone. I don't know how close I am to Him, nor how far. All I know is that I do not have peace, or joy, and I haven't basked in His love and freedom for a long time. To me its like my relationship with my ex. Dead. and I know that it is my complicity that done it. and it seems like my shameful course is set, and that I will never love God again. ;But I know that God is gracious, kind, longsuffering, patient, loving merciful... I just don't know if I am capable of "returning to the fold" I certainly feel out of control and unable to lay anything down at anyone's feet. It's been a week today without porn. I surrender to m every day. The thoughts are pornographic and I know that it is compulsive, flesh serving, God hating bondage. I look forward to abandon to God, and life as an innocent once again. Thank you so much for your prayers for me for peace, contentment and understanding. I long for such strength and love. I pray for your continued strength and peace.
Hi journey! it's great to get a woman's perspective. I am glad you are here. I think the fun I was referring to was the freedom of living above the sin, without the constant struggle. I am sure that you are right when you say that this fun begins with God in His proper place, and I so ... remember that place. a long long time ago. I really don't want anymore sex. When I think about your near sexless relationship I think "how fun! real friendship without controlling, shaming self disgust! I just want to be free of the lust. If I could have a personal assistant who was committed to me (like a eunuch) and paid half my bills, took good care of my kids, made all my appointments, and encouraged me with heartfelt love, I would be set. Me loving and treating someone else well is an unimaginable impossibility, the seeking of which would consume more worship than I afford God (not a difficult task). I am still really hurting from my divorce especially the guilt, failure, and lowliness it exposed in me. I would be a horrible mate for some poor girl, im crazy!!!! I just want to be able to love God again. Thank you journey for being here for me, I hope I can be here for someone too someday. Love you sister
junkyardboy: you certainly have been thru the wringer... funny, I still pray that God would do whatever it takes to rescue me, humble me. I wish I wasn't such a hard head!!! Think you could take some of your hard earned experience and just cut me a slice of character? please pray that God will bring light to my heart through his Spirit and his word. someday I will say "oh holy one, I delight to do your will". and don't hesitate to remind me that some of us have had tougher deals than me, it gives me hope.
wildernessvoice: or should I call you "dents" lol. thanks for your name story haha. I thought of an angel running by me and saying "dumb ass!!" hahahhahhaha lol.
"However a big Idjit you might be, God can perform a miracle in your life. He did in mine." however big? seems like, impossible. but I guess that's why they call them miracles. I am pretty stubborn.
your love with your wife is beautiful and serene. I praise God for a testimony like yours, what a gift! What a destiny. Although I do not see that now as a likelihood for me, the image of deep love and conectedness is so, so beautiful. the thing of love songs and epic poems. what is sex compared to that?
"my mind is restored to a level of purity" I had a pure mind for 2-3 years, and let it go. Is this redeemable? I know that is a loaded question, and I can already hear the responses. I am feeling stuck behind the whole "unpardonableness" of it all. I remember the sloughing off of impurity, the striving and loving it and loving God. Is this the kind of despair I feel when I lose 50lbs and then gain half back and say to myself "why lose more, you'll never keep it off"?
"I will walk in Heaven's fair land absolutely transparant unto My Saviour. This is the desire of my heart, that nothing would stand between me and God, that my inner man would be free of the stains and soils of sin and self and that He could look upon me and see straight through - that all that would transpire between me and God would be Love. No shame and shrinking - just Love. I know that He will grant me this desire to the uttermost. Even though I called myself a Christian, for many years I was filled with such shame and disgrace. All the preaching of Grace and my praying did not remove the filthiness of the flesh because I kept going back again and again. Now I truly understand real repentance and abounding Grace that frees from sin for it has transpired for me. I know what it means to take up the Cross and follow Jesus."
I had to repost that segment in its entirety. This describes my hearts desire with such beauty. Thank you so much for your encouragement, and for fighting the fight before I did, and for being here with me as I come over to where you are.
Thank you all for your friendship, love, prayer, openness, brotherhood, sisterhood and compassion. I hope it is as genuine as it feels, and that I will not waste it in failure. Shine on bright lights!!!
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 01:26 pm |
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Hi Brother Sheep,
Yes, this name is fine for you, as the sheep did not change species just because it was separated from its Shepherd and lost for a time. Did you read all of Luke 15? Do you still have a Bible? If not, you can look it up online at
Bible Gateway.
Having a Bible in your hands, though, is great. I suggest reading the chapter aloud to yourself. Listening to it on CD is good too. Our words may be helpful and encouraging, but only God's Word is powerful in and of itself. Yes, it is the scalpel that exposes the infection, and the disinfectant that stings, but it is also the stitches that close the wound, and the balm that heals it. Please let the Great Physician do His work sooner rather than later, lest gangrene set in...
TruthSeeker
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idjit
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 09:42 pm |
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sorry, I didn't reply to each separately, so this is to let you know I replied
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idjit
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 09:43 pm |
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| ditto
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idjit
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 09:44 pm |
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ditto
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idjit
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 09:44 pm |
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| ditto
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idjit
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Posted: Mon Feb 25th, 2008 09:44 pm |
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| ditto
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