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rom517mm
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| Joined: | Fri Feb 1st, 2008 |
| Location: | Texas USA |
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Posted: Tue Feb 12th, 2008 01:43 am |
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I look forward to reading and commenting on more of your testimonies in the near future in this and other forums on this board. I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn from and partner with all of you.
Lust and pornography has been an issue with me since I was an adolescent (I'm now almost 45). Though I became a Christian over 15 years ago (I have questioned that considering how much lusting I did since then). I have gone through various attempts to stop, but either I wasn't concerned enough or the consequences were not serious enough (and that includes getting caught twice at work!). I started with magazines (my father's--I snuck into his dresser drawers; and friends'), then saw images on cable TV, then rented/purchased videos, then the crack cocaine of pornography for me--the internet. I went to counseling for a while with a Christian counselor and this issue came out. Over time my father, mother, and brother learned of it, and we talked through some issues that might have played a part in my addiction to it. I started a Setting Captives Free course, but soon fell prey to lust and backed out of the course. I also joined a Sexaholics Anonymous group, but after a couple years and never more than a month or so straight sobriety, I backed away. (My excuse was that they weren't caring or supportive enough, but I know that I didn't want it bad enough. I know SA has worked for several people, and I won't put them down based on my failure.)
I had trouble meeting girls when I was younger, and that was an issue as I grew up. My lust made me feel I had to have the "perfect woman," which of course was that look and shape manufactured by the powers that be to convince us "this" is beautiful and "that" is not. It only existed in my fantasies and airbrushed images, and I was being a hypocrite since I haven't be fawned after by women for my looks.
I became good friends with a couple of women, but was frustrated when I learned that they wanted me more as a sounding board that as a romantic interest. Very awkward in approaching women in a romantic way, I decided to try online dating after my counselor suggested it to me. After several months and a few bad to fairly decent dates, I met my future wife.
Kim didn't know of my lusting history (past, and ongoing at the time). She had been divorced twice (one, I later found out, from a man who also regularly viewed pornography). She saw me as a man who was her knight in shining armor. I've come to know her as being very perceptive, so it seems she didn't want to believe I might have issues. We started off what appeared to be great (though I was still viewing pronography regularly).
One day a couple years back we were in bed and a documentary came on that discussed pornography. She asked me if I viewed pornography, and I said "no" at first. She knew right away I was lying. I then told her "yes," but tried to mitigate my guilt by suggesting I was a periodic, "only" doing it ever couple weeks or so (that was true of masturbation, but my viewing of pornography and lustful images was far more regular). She was crushed. I did not at all expect her response. Screaming, tears. At one point I was sure she would hit me, and I felt so crappy I wasn't even going to stop her if she did. But even then I was trying to ease my guilt by saying, "Well, this is every man's battle," and "Doesn't the fact that I'm trying to stop count?"
Well, over time our relationship turned back to normal--or so it seemed; actually, we both buried it. I would literally tremble every time a show came on that discussed pornography in any way--what if Kim asked me how I was doing? She didn't, and I felt more confident that she was OK with me. And yes, I was still lusting. I had stopped for a time after my "scare," but once she seemed OK, I felt it was safe to start lusting and, of course, deceiving her.
Just recently, she had a dream where God told her the internet would either make or break me. She told me that, I said, "Thank you, I'll keep that in mind," and it didn't come up again. I stopped looking--for a time--at pornography, but after a while it seemed "safe" again, so I started up once again. Then the dream came up in conversation again, and I lied and said I was fine. But inside my stomach was in knots because I was afraid she'd find out. I'm usually able to perform fine during lovemaking with my wife, but now I couldn't. After a few episodes of that (one being during a night of romance I had planned), it came out that I was still lusting. Again, she was very hurt, and for a day or more it was very cold between us. We gradually started talking, and as hard as it was we started growing closer together again.
Kim has vowed not to push this into the background again. I have since installed accountability software that sends her an email if any inappropriate material appears on this computer. I have also started up again with Setting Captives Free. I just finished day 5 (though I now have a little over 3 weeks sexual sobriety). I'm still feeling the pull of temptation when I see a woman, but I'm turning away more easily little by little. We had a wonderful and romantic Valentine's Day, and I was blessed to be able to look at my wife for the first time in a long while as the beautiful woman she is. I realize 3 weeks isn't very long, and I look forward to my union with her growing in the coming weeks and months.
While I know that ultimately Christ is the answer to seeing surpassing joy and beauty in Him and His will, I'm thankful I was found out (twice) by my wife, or I would have kept living a lie and having no power as a Christian and no true intimacy as a husband.
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"Since by the one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive the overflow of grace and the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ." (Rom. 5:17)
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sam
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Tue Feb 12th, 2008 01:19 pm |
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hi rom517mm,
thank you so much for sharing openly about your struggle. it is very encouraging to hear about your desire to live without lust. you are in my prayers.
sam
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rom517mm
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| Joined: | Fri Feb 1st, 2008 |
| Location: | Texas USA |
| Posts: | 45 |
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Posted: Tue Feb 12th, 2008 03:55 pm |
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| Thank you! I look forward to being blessed by the support and prayers of others in this group, and I pray I'll be a blessing as my walk with God grows.
____________________
"Since by the one man's trespass, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive the overflow of grace and the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ." (Rom. 5:17)
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