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Guitarist_John
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:21 pm |
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Greetings everybody. I've been reading this site and forums for a long time now, but now I've decided to actually join the forums. Before I start giving a daily account I'll just give ya a short bio of myself:
For starters, I'm English, I'm a young guy, 16, (probably the youngest person on this forum) and me and my family are missionaries to Bosnia. I've been a missionary my entire life (roughly 10 years in the Czech Republic prior coming to Bosnia). You've probably heard of the savage civil war that happened here during the 90's. Well we were led by God to be here and have been serving Him for several years now.
You can just call me John.
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"In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be." - Jesus
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Guitarist_John
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:22 pm |
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Now for the reason why I'm here. I'll also give a little bio of my struggle.
I've been struggling with MB'ing for roughly 5 and a half years. For the first 3 years whenever the urge hit me I just fed it. It was baaad. Almost no self control. Couldnt go a week without it. Barely 2 or 3 days! During those 3 years I wouldn't often look at pictures while doin' it. Most of the time I would just see some sort of 'character' in a computer game (I was a BIG computer gamer). But still the images weren't often (If I remember correctly).
I simply could not get over doing it during those years. And I seriously believe the struggle affected my personality. I would hate doing it. In fact, I think the struggle made my personality 'mature' before its time. As in I wasn't really a bouncy happy kid anymore. I realised what I was doing was horribly wrong (I actually thought I was the only one in the world with the problem). But I just couldnt give it up.
____________________
"In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be." - Jesus
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Guitarist_John
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 12:24 pm |
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Finally, in the summer of 2005 (I'm about to talk about computer/online gaming stuff, so bear with me) I reached a mile stone in this struggle. My friend and I were playing this online multiplayer game on the internet. Well we were fighting 'monsters' with some other guy, and all of a sudden our conversation turns to sin. He said "I only do one small sin" and I'm like "Whats that" and he's like "MB'ING" and I'm like "Whats that?" and my friend starts talking to me over private chat to ignore the guy. By now I'm freaking out, because I already knew in my heart that "MB'ing" was what I had been doing the whole time.
Then my friend and I talk about it. I'm trembling with fear the whole time. I confess to him. Soon after, both of us part and that night I confess to my dad for the first time. Dang I was so relieved when he understood! However, 2 weeks later, I give in this time and for the first time to a picture on the internet.
After that I'm pretty sure I avoided internet MB'ing. But eventually I gave in again and developed other ways of looking at things that were not on the internet which I would rather not talk about for the sake of not giving other people 'ideas'. I would struggle with that for the rest of '05. Then in '06 began my struggle with pictures on the net. Like I said, I never went to real porn. Just skanky pics. So throughout '06 I was struggling with the internet and MB'ing. Then in the autumn I thought I was free. Until early '07 when I gave in to images again. I struggled throughout 07 again with MB'ing and images, though I did better than the previous year. Then from from August till November I thought I was okay. I then gave in to MB'ing in late November while I was still in bed in the morning. Dang, that stunk. A downer. But, shortly afterwards my hope recovered and I kept going forward. A few events happened where I tempted myself with the pictures again, and fantasized in my mind without MB'ing, until finally a week and a day ago, after fantasizing in my mind several times that day, I went ahead to a private place and spanked the monkey.
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"In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be." - Jesus
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Guitarist_John
Member
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Posted: Mon Jan 21st, 2008 02:23 pm |
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Now I'll finally get around to the actual daily accountability!
Since the last time I 'cranked the snake' I've given in to 'mind games' a few times and today I foolishly temped myself with a few non-nude pictures, but promptly stopped it.
I really do want to defeat this (if it can be defeated) and I realise the times I 'give in' or even partially give in are sins, and I do feel guilty. My friend and I have been accountable to one another (most of the time) but I just wanted a place where I could be accountable more often. Since he and I live in seperate countries. I believe that it must have been the Holy Spirit within me that kept me from going way deeper than I was. As in, kept me from sex videos, hard core, stuff like that ( I dont mean to condemn anyone here who has gotten into that stuff). I always felt as though that I havent really been fighting as hard as I could be. I know I need to get closer to God, read more, pray more, things like that. Sometimes I feel like though that theres something crucial thats missing to the puzzle. Something that'll make a big difference. Maybe I'm just rambling. Anyway, I apologize for posting so many LONG posts, even though I said it would be short (which it wasnt). But anyways, this site has been a great help to me in the past since I discovered it, maybe, half a year ago actually. Not quite sure when. But anyway...
God's blessing and love to all of you,
Your younger brother in Christ,
John
And in case you haven't realized it yet, I play guitar too.
____________________
"In the world you will have trouble, but I leave you my peace that where I am there you may also be." - Jesus
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