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Quentin
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| Joined: | Wed Nov 16th, 2005 |
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Posted: Wed Nov 16th, 2005 03:02 pm |
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Hey, Im a 21 year old guy.
In my past porn has destroyed much about me. It almost lead to jail, but with lies, and I guess mercy from God I was protected.
I ended my addiction over a year ago. I then met the most wonderful girl in the world. I do mean that too. Shes been the best friend i've ever had. Shes truely loved me. She's truely been there always.
She hated unfaithfulness. I've been cheated on several times....so I did too. I told her that she didnt have to worry about being cheated on.....that she would be safe with me. I meant it.....I truely did. God blessed our relationship so much. I've never met someone that I could love so much. And I'm typing now with tears flowing.
Not too long ago after we were dating I was having the crazy desires I used to have. I wanted to look at porn so bad. I fought if off, praying for about a month. But then I gave in once. I felt soo bad. So I prayed for forgivness. I thought that I should tell my girlfriend, but I didnt. I thought that I would crush her, and that would be the end. So I didnt.
I stopped for a while....then that same beast poked its head into my life again. I gave in again. After that first time, my ability to see its evil had faded so very much. I used to tell myself that it would be so wonderful to be able to tell her years later taht I never even looked at porn....but tahat was ruined.....and I guess my rationale to avoid it was gone too.
I stopped several times begging God for forgivness and feeling guilty always. Then one night on my birthday....my ex girlfriend called to tell me happy birthday....well a lot....so I didnt answer except for once...just so that she would stop calling.....I didnt want my current girlfriend to think i was still talking to her or anything. That night on my birthday the phone rang and I said it was someone else....so that it wouldnt bother her. But she had a feeling....God telling the truth for me obviously. That was the first lie I told her.
She broke up with me then....because she couldnt trust me. But I begged, and I prayed. She forgave me, but a day later she said she still didnt feel right. I lied again and told her I had no idea why. Then she asked me a lot of questions about how faithful I was and asked me to promise. She asked me to swear to God....she knew I loved God.....
I lied in all of those fields...I lied
So then she asked if she could look at everything on my computer. She read my emails....clean....and other things were clean....
Honestly I thought everything was clean on there, but she saw some soft porn......Every lie I told was thrown right back at me then.....Not only had I cheated.....but I was a liar too....all for the sake of porn....
I prayed all day, and all night harder than ever.....I finaly told her every little thing that I had done. I never got as far as sexual chatting, but I did go to chat rooms and trade my picture with people. But I saw her tears all day, and night...and mine.
But my point and pain is this....I was supposed to be her warrior. I was supposed to protect her from everything. But I couldnt even protect her from my own sin. I stabbed her in the heart.....and she told me this. I've never known of so much pain as to hurt someone I love so very much.
So now I pray, and beg more to atleast be friends. Shes all alone with no one to turn to. Shes never had a trustworthy friend really. I was the first, and I ruined it. I cant go to her, and I cant help her. I pray and pray and pray.
God has changed me....I just pray that it stays that way.....that I never give in again. But now I have a burning hatred against pornography even more so. It stole my joy, it stole my girlfriends hope, joy, security. Yes she was already insecure....but now she thinks its her fault.......she thinks she wasnt enough.....that she wasnt beautiful enough........all completely wrong.
I would rather have been killed than to have done what ive done, to my self, and more so her. Please remember to pray for me, and PLEASE......pray for her even more.
Last edited on Wed Nov 16th, 2005 03:54 pm by Quentin
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ShadowWolf
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| Joined: | Mon Nov 14th, 2005 |
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Posted: Fri Nov 18th, 2005 02:24 am |
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Hello Quentin.
That's a hard story mate, now I understand what you meant when you replied to me. But God will bring you through it. Even though you and I have sinned greatly and lied very much to cover up our sins, God is forgiving. I know this from experience, God is always there. As for your girlfriend, I don't know. Stay in God's will and He will work things out for the best, whether it's with her or not. Post on the Accountability thread everyday so it can strengthen you, read testimonies of people on here, listen to their struggles and let it uplight you. You'll get through this, we are praying for you.
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Quentin
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Posted: Fri Nov 18th, 2005 03:14 am |
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You are right. God will show what is best and bring me through this. My feelings of myself right now are very tied to my ex-girlfriend.
Shes not very open, so she hasnt talked to anyone about her feelings. I was her only friend who gave advice that was good, and Godly. All her other friends only come to her.
So....I regurally try to talk to her and get her to vent...and she does. It hurts....to be reminded of my actions so much. She means no harm at all....I must really beg her to talk. The Lord rebuilds me after each time and prepares me for the next.
Even if she does not take me back as friend, or more......I do not want her to bury this. I beg of everyone to pray for her much more than I.
Shadow....I thank you for replying, and I too have posted on the accountability forum since you have suggested. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
- David
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