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abouttruth
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Posted: Thu Nov 15th, 2007 07:39 pm |
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Hi all! My name is Mandi. My h has an addiction to porn. I've known about it for quite some time now but I had no idea how bad is was until just a few days ago. We have been married for going on 9 years and have four beautiful children together. I am trying to figure out how to forgive him and forgive myself for being so stupid when it comes to this problem. I am also trying to figure out if I can ever trust him again, or if I even want to.
Thanks for any help
abouttruth
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truthseeker
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 02:00 am |
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Hi Mandi,
Welcome to BG.
I trust that you are reading through the posts in the Wives forum, and are seeing how common your experiences are to our own. I hope that your husband is ready to confront this sin, and do everything needed to overcome it. This, and time, along with both of you drawing near to the Lord, are the best hope for your marriage. Yes, unfortunately, when the addict is unwilling to acknowledge the addiction, homes are broken, but I pray that yours does not become another notch on Satan's belt.
TruthSeeker
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sam
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 07:55 pm |
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hi mandi,
i'm glad you are here. i can only imagine how you must feel dealing with your h's problem. i know there is a lot of pain. even though i am the one with the problem in my marriage, i have tried to think about how i would feel if it were the other way around. i have to admit that it would be a hard issue to overcome. i do want to stress that your relationship with him is a very important part of his recovery. you of course can't do it for him, but he has to know that you love him and want to see him free of this. if he is repentful and wants to rid himself of this sin then healing will come along with forgiveness, but why you need to forgive yourself, i'm not really sure i know why you said that. if you don't have the struggles with this issue, your not going to fully understand what it is like to be compelled to behave this way. so you shouldn't feel stupid. i will be praying for you and your family.
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abouttruth
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Posted: Fri Nov 16th, 2007 10:04 pm |
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Sam,
I have to forgive myself for not seeing the warning signs that were there as I look back on the last few years. I believe that you allow people to treat you the way they do. By not checking on him... holding him accountable for his actions I allowed him to lie to me. Does that make sense? I do love my husband more than words can say. He is showing signs of being sorry for this but in my mind I am wondering if he is more sorry for getting caught or is he more sorry that he has betrayed me, lied to me, and injured our family.
Thanks,
abouttruth
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KevinesKay
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 07:58 pm |
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My heart goes out to you. You're in a lot of pain. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
I can't see how you, by yourself, would be able to change him or his behavior. You can only do so much. Don't blame yourself.
He needs to reach out to outside support. He needs to demonstrate that he can progress on his own. He needs to learn to put his own selfish needs aside and demonstrate true unconditional love to you. You can't do that for him.
I recommend that you have a support system of your own. To make this relationship work will take a lot of agape love from you (and from him as well). Your husband does not make you feel good and loved anymore. One look at him probably causes you deep pain.
God can use such painful experiences to teach us that love is not the warm stuff that makes us feel good. Some people are addicted to such feelings, which are not love. We ultimately have to learn that we are called to love others more than we love sex, more than we love "love" itself, more than we love feeling good. Jesus showed the ultimate demonstration of this love when he gave his life on the cross.
I wish I could say that this will all get better soon. However, a better answer is that this will get better in due time and effort. And as a result, you and your husband are destined to become stronger and more loving in the process.
It took me about ten years before I saw the progress in my recovery. During the process, I still managed to blow up a marriage, lose a job, and get arrested. Looking back, I'm so thankful for the process that God put me through. I've gained so much understanding as a result. If the process took 20 years or more, that would have made no difference because how long it takes for us to get there is not so important. 10-20 years is nothing to God. What matters is, if we put in the time and effort, and keep plugging in to our support, then we'll ultimately wind up in the same place.
Thanks for reaching out and blessings to you
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abouttruth
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Posted: Mon Nov 19th, 2007 09:39 pm |
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Thank you very much for the reply. I do have a support system. I do see God's had in this. It could have gotten worse than it did. I have to work on myself. My brain knows that this is not my fault, that I can't stop him, that he really can't control what he is doing. that he has an addiction and that he isn't doing this to hurt me or degrade me or punish me in some way. That this isn't really about me at all. My brain knows that I have read the information but my heart isn't there. Everyday is a different battle for me as I'm sure it is for him also. Once my heart catches up to my brain will have made some real progress. I am not sure that my marriage can over come this. I don't know that I can ever trust him again. I'm not sure if I want to trust him again. That would leave me in a vonerable position. The only things that Iknow for sure are that I love him and our family more than words can say and that I'm not ready to make any final decisions yet. There is a lot of work on both sides that needs to be done before anything can be decided. Does that make sense? I hope it does. Again, thank you.
abouttruth
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KevinesKay
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Posted: Tue Nov 20th, 2007 01:12 pm |
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| That makes a lot of sense. Thanks for your honesty and openness. Sounds like you're on the right track.
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