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wanting to heal
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 09:41 am |
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My husband had been doing so well. It had been months since he's acted out. I finally started to trust him again. I thought we wanted the same thing from our marriage.
It appears that I am wrong.
My husband had a slip a couple of weeks ago - nothing major...not even close to how he's acted out before. We had a few conversations and it only took me a week to "recover" (somewhat) but I thought that we really accomplished something. He apparently confessed before I confronted him. As far as I know - it was the only "slip".
We have been having some struggles and yesterday he found out that the company he works for is closing it's doors at the end of the year. I know my husband and he tends to worry-worry-worry (not a good thing for someone who is addicted to p & m).
Last night I asked him if he was "tempted" to act out. He said that maybe for about 5 minutes on the way home he was tempted but it "left him".
He showed "signs" last night (of acting out) and even when he told me that he did NOT "act out", my instincts were telling me something different.
So - I put on my "investigators" hat...and found that he indeed...he acted out. He does not know that I know right now - because it is not the way he usually acts out (he would normally view or read porn online).
He had PROMISED me that he would tell me whenever he "acted out"! It would be a lot better if he would just tell me - without me having to confront him.
"Promise"...funny little word. Seems like he made a bunch of "promises" on our wedding day. Since he is not one to keep the promise of acting out - and being honest and sincere with me...what stops him from breaking the promises of our wedding vows?
Who can I trust if I cannot trust my husband. Aren't we supposed to trust one another? Aren't we supposed to be trustworthy to one another?
I guess God is the only trustworthy One. I would really love to trust my husband though.
WON'T THIS EVER STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sure - the truth stings when he's told me that he's acted out in the past - but HIS LIES AND DISHONESTY HURT WAY MORE THAN THAT!!!!!!! They cut me to the bone. I can deal with truth...I cannot deal with his lies and disception.
I cannot believe this is happening again!!! I feel hurt...I feel angry...I feel betrayed!!!
I love my husband with all my heart - yet he continues to break my heart...and my heart is crying...
Familiar: oh, this sounds so familiar.
You tell me I'm a drama queen.
You act like you don't care:
You look right past me,
Like I was a ghost;
Someone you don't even know.
I don't know why I still love you,
When all you do is make me,
Cry, cry, crybaby.
I don't know why I think you're gonna save me.
You just stand an' watch my tears hit the floor,
Like it doesn't even matter anymore.
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TimM
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 11:11 am |
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I'm afraid I don't really have any direct comments for your situation. I've only been on the other side of the fence from you.
The obvious question I would ask your husband if he's here is what he thinks he needs to change now? His current program of recovery isn't keeping him sober, and it isn't keeping him honest. So how will he change his plan in hopes of getting a different result?
Addiction recovery isn't normally a quick process, and it isn't something we can do alone. In his position, I would ask if I were going to enough meetings, if I were working the steps actively enough, if I were talking to my sponsor and my fellow addicts often enough, if I were seeing my counselor frequently enough, if I were working hard enough on my therapy and on prayer and on journaling and on meditation, if I were talking deeply and honestly with you and with people in my family. All that's especially important at times when we are under stress or when there are other obvious triggers.
If he's here, then it might be worthwhile for him to think about questions like that. If he's not here, I hope whoever he is working with in his recovery will raise analogous questions. If he's not working with anyone in his recovery, then I'm not very surprised he's having trouble.
I hope he is getting support from lots of sources and is working hard with other people to get better. If so, then slips sometimes happen in early recovery - or even much later in times of stress - and he is obviously in the middle of a sobering learning experience as he picks up and moves on. In any case, I hope he'll think hard about whether there is some next tool that he may have been reluctant to use and that he can now pick up in order to have a richer recovery program, and one that may lead him to a different result.
Again, sorry I really only have comments for him and not for you.
Tim M.
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wanting to heal
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 01:18 pm |
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Thank you for your comments, Tim.
No - my husband is not on this website. My husband is not in any recovery program. He does not talk to anyone else about his addiction either. I have asked in the past if we could see a Christian marriage counsellor about it - and he said that he could work on it without that.
I have tried to support him in every way I know how - with God's help.
When stressful situations occur - I talk to him about the situation and how he feels about it. I always hope that if he shares his worries with me - then he won't try to escape by acting out.
So - now I have the worry of his job and about his acting out. All he has to do is escape into a fantasy world. I am here - trying to do my best to keep myself together - and find some way not to lose my mind.
I feel absolutely lost - and so terribly sad.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 03:04 pm |
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Hi wanting to heal,
Trust is such a hard thing, especially when it has been violated. Each time sets healing back further and further. Most men have this pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps mentality that does not usually work with porn addiction. When I first found out, we worked together on things. The second time, I insisted that he counsel with a pastor, not ours, and told him that a third time of my discovery, not his confession, would be brought to one of our pastors. Thankfully that has not happened, but I was not kidding.
Hugs and prayers...
TruthSeeker
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TimM
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 04:07 pm |
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In addition to truthseeker's approach - which seems completely reasonable to me - it's worth thinking about what you need/want to do to keep yourself sane and well. If that includes seeing a Christian counselor yourself for your own issues, then that's reasonable and appropriate, and it's your right. You can't make your husband get better, but that doesn't mean that his problems are not also problems for you. Don't feel hesitant about addressing your problems in any way that seems useful to you.
Tim M.
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wanting to heal
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 06:10 pm |
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Thank you for your suggestions, Truthseeker and Tim!
I have not sought counselling for just myself - because my husband seemed so open when me. I thought he would always be honest and tell me when he's acted out and that we could work on it together (maybe that's my fantasy land). I tought he was serious - and perhaps each time, he was actually serious about it. I know there is no thoughts of me or our marriage when he is in fantasy land. I've prayed and read and tried to help him spiritually as I think a wife should.
I would rather see counselling together - but if he is unwilling to be healed and work on it together...then I think I will go out of my mind! I cannot deal dishonesty and sneakiness. I that case - I think I will have to see a Christian counsellor myself.
Like I said before - I would rather feel the "ping" of truthfulness - than lies and dishonesty...as that just tears me apart.
Our promise to each other is that leaving is never an option. I hold that promise - and keep it true. My love for my husband is unconditional - even though I do not like some of the things he does. So...if leaving is not an option and my husband does not get counselling with me (or alone) or healing - then I will need something more to keep my sanity. You are absolutely right.
I will be speaking with him about this latest "incident" tonight.
Thank you so much for "listening" and God bless you.
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wanting to heal
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Posted: Wed Oct 24th, 2007 09:06 pm |
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Well - I had the chance to speak with my husband on the phone this afternoon.
He said that he did not "remember" about "acting out" - and actually - he downplayed it quite nicely, I might add.
He "said" he only "scanned" some pages of the book for a couple of minutes. He "said" he picked up the DVD and only thought about putting it into the DVD player. Nice how I cannot prove him otherwise, huh?
But - I still have my instincts - and I am usually bang on with that - and I know in my heart of hearts that he is lying to me...and there is NOTHING he can say to convince me that he did NOT start looking at that DVD!!!!!!!
He is lying. I know he is. I feel he is.
We quite obviously do not want the same thing out of our marriage. I want honesty and respect - he does not want to give it.
Oh ya - we are going to talk further about it tonight. I wonder how many more lies he is going to feed me. He only tells me enough - just so that he does not get into "trouble".
All I want is honesty. Is that too much to ask for?
IF HE WOULD ONLY TELL THE TRUTH!!!! Is THAT too much to ask for?
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wanting to heal
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Posted: Thu Oct 25th, 2007 01:55 pm |
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We talked last night. I still do not believe that he did not watch even just a little bit of that video. He told me he did not - but "something" tells me he did. He admitted to reading the (porn) book though, and still...that is not okay. He has not been honest with me - and "lying by ommission" is still lying.
My husband has done well over the past 10 months - and I acknoweldge that. I am proud of the leaps and bounds he has made in trying to heal.
He keeps saying that what he has done over the past couple of weeks are "not as bad" as it was before. I told him last night that even any incident is not acceptable. It always starts somewhere (small) and then grows out of control (like it has in the past).
Isn't "sin" a "sin" - no matter how big or small? Isn't a "lie" a "lie" - no matter how big or small?
He continues to say that he "forgot" to tell me about the book and the DVD (which are all in the garbage now, by the way). He said he "did not think about it". I feel that he is being dishonest about that and I told him as much. He told me about being tempted for about 5 minutes earlier that day - but then he thought about me and did not want to go down that road. An hour or so later is when he "acted" on the temptation - and this is the part he "forgot" to tell me about? I do not buy it. I am not stupid or that naive.
I have to wonder how far it would have gone had I not "caught" him. That's the only reason I found out - because I found out on my own. He was clearly not going to tell me about it on his own.
In any event - I told him that I joined an on-line group. He told me that he is going to join a support group - and I am all for that! Since he does not want to go to counselling together - I am going to find a Christian counsellor and go by myself.
I can forgive the "acting out" a lot easier than the lies and dishonesty.
Anyway - we will make it through this. I am committed to my husband for life...and I truly love him. I just need to get past his dishonesty. How does one do that?
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henny
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Posted: Thu Nov 1st, 2007 02:21 pm |
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Wanting to Heal,
My name is Matt and I am a recovered pornography addict. It's been about a year since I last looked at porn, and I can say with complete honesty before God, that He has freed me from that horrible bondage. It would be virtually impossible to convey how good that feels.
Your husband lies to you about his activities because of the deep shame he feels at his helplessness and hopelessness in the face of his addiction. The shame we feel is so deep, so utterly painful it, too, is difficult to describe. As Truthseeker said, we are men, and we want to be viewed as competent, capable, trustworthy, strong, someone you can lean on, a warrior, and a champion, a fighter of dragons, and a rescuer of maidens.
Instead we are vile, disgusting perverts who look at dirty pictures and masturbate. We see ourselves as complete failures, in many if not all areas. We fail to measure up. We are not adequate to the task, no matter what the task at hand is.
And that personal self-revulsion drives us to the beautiful women of pornography. In that wierd area of the brain that cannot separate fantasy from reality, we finally succeed. We are the conqueror, the victor, that admirable man we've always wanted to be, and those beautiful women of pornography can't keep their hands off of us.
Of course we then return to reality, and find our reasons for self-revulsion doubly reinforced. And the cycle goes on.
Your husband doesn't want to be honest with you. Not because he doesn't love you, or doesn't want to overcome this vile habit. He doesn't want to be honest with you because he doesn't want you to see him as he sees himself.
If he is working towards freedom, give him time. His lies are not meant to hurt. They are meant to protect. He knows how much it hurts you to see the weakness in him. Please trust me on this, it hurts him much more deeply.
I know this is asking a lot, but if you can, your greatest gift to your husband, and your greatest aid to his quest for freedom, would be as a cheerleader. Try not to castigate him for his failures or his lies. And with what Paul describes as Christ's "limitless patience" encourage him along.
Victory is possible. I cannot tell you how much my wife's patience and support meant to me in my battle against sin.
Sorry to go on so long. God Bless you in this.
Matt
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guitarist63
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Posted: Thu Nov 1st, 2007 10:46 pm |
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Glad to see you posting again, Henny. Rejoicing in your year free of pornography.
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KevinesKay
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Posted: Sat Nov 3rd, 2007 08:34 am |
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I remember when I acted out behind my ex's back for years. She found out most of the time. I lied, made excuses, got frustrated, minimized behaviors, acted out to relieve the pain again. Hey, and I was going to meetings and trying really hard. What's going on here sounds really familiar.
I was in so much pain myself that I couldn't see the pain that I was causing. When my ex slammed a celibacy contract on our marriage after 3 months. I was bitter, resentful, blaming. I was angry at her because I wasn't getting what I felt like I "needed" the most, which was sex. Duh, I'm a sex addict. Why didn't I get that one. Of course, I didn't see that my ex was trying to help me and help herself. She wanted so bad for me to demonstrate that I loved her more than I loved sex. I did a poor job of demonstrating that. She felt unloved and in deep pain, but I could not see that.
Your husband has no clue about how much pain he's causing. We sex addicts tend to put our own personal traits on others. For instance, our spouses using porn, masturbating, or even having affairs wouldn't bother us too much. As long as the sex is good and going strong in our marriage, why should anything else bother us. And if it doesn't bother us, why should it bother our wives? This warped thinking that we support immediately places magical qualities on our wives without even being aware of it.
A celebacy contract would be appropriate here. He needs to demonstrate that he loves you more than he loves sex. To love you for who you are, not for what you do or how you make him feel. He needs to be aware that sex is not such a motivating force in your life, but love, honesty, trust, affection, communication, emotional connection are HUGE on your list.
By the way, until your husband stops the "Lone Ranger" attitude of dealing with this disease, he has no hope of stopping his behavior. Be prepared to have many sources of support and love around you in case this turns out to be a LONG ordeal. Putting too much of yourself and energy into him at this point will most certainly be just as unhealthy for you as his addiction is to him.
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