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Emgem
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 15th, 2007 |
| Location: | United Kingdom |
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Posted: Fri Oct 19th, 2007 12:43 pm |
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Hi, I found your forum a few days ago and found it such a comfort to find other people going through the same struggles as I am. I've been with my partner for over 6 years, we have a young son and another baby on the way and plan to get married in the not too distant future.
From the beginning of our relationship we've had issues with p, which started when I found a stash of about 30 or more DVD's ina cupboard in his apartment. After that I caught him looking at sites on the internet before he left for work in the morning, then I found a file in his email where he'd saved hundreds of p sites! As the years went by, there were regular incidents of him trying to sneak DVD's with him to work trips, I'd find DVD's hidden in CD covers, p sites would pop up on the history and favourites drop down boxes on the computer. When I was pregnant with our son, I found out how to check cookies on the computer and found that all through my prgnancy, every time I was out of the house, he was looking at p sites (by this time I had gotten rid of all the DVD's) and often when we argued he would stay up until the early hours with his laptop or the TV turned down low. However, although it was clearly distressing me, he couldn't see that he was doing anything wrong and would say that he's not physically cheating on me so what's the big deal? I was made to feel that it was my insecurity that was the problem. I know he's been into p since he was at school and his older (single) brother is into p in a BIG way.
When our son was 6 months old and after promises that the p would stop, I found evidence of it again and ended up leaving with our son and stayed with a friend for 2 months! The whole time, my partner refused to admit he was in the wrong or apologise for hurting me again. I returned home after I finally managed to get him to see that if i kept doing something that hurt him & lying about it, how would he feel? He seemed to take that on board. After that, I don't recall finding any further evidence but our emotional and intimacy problems, which were also there from the beginning, became so prevalent that at one point I began to believe my partner had Asperger's Syndrome! For the first 4 years of our relationship, my partner was very selfish in bed, there was no intimacy and i never had an orgasm, it felt just like p sex, i didn't enjoy it and it became a chore for me although i've managed to turn this around over the past couple of years and it has improved a LOT.
Anyway, i ended up leaving again in January this year because I was fed up with his self centred, detached behaviour until 6 months later when we reconciled. In the meantime, he moved abroad with his job. So recently I gave up my home, job and independence to be with him and to be a family again. I don't regret my decision and feel 100% that I have done the right thing but there is a cloud that prevents me from feeling totally secure and happy... the very first day in our new home i went on the computer and the first thing that popped up was a long list of p files that had been accessed the night before we'd arrived. I confronted my partner who looked me dead in the eye and told lie after lie to cover it up. The next day i checked the cookies and he had cancelled a subscription after I had confronted him. I feel like I can't trust him and i'm permanently on my guard looking for evidence of him lying to me, which makes me feel like i'm going crazy! I decided to just keep an eye on things but the problem is that he uses another laptop that I have no access to, he goes to work 1-2 hours early every day before anyone else is in the office & frequently goes on work trips so i believe he has plenty of opportunities to access p without my knowledge.
If i try to talk to him about p (he knows i believe he has an addiction), he just gets angry and defensive and dismisses it like the problem doesn't exist which makes me think i'm over reacting? I just feel like i'm at a dead end and can do nothing but wait until the p rears its ugly head again when i least expect it, damaging our relationship and shattering my self esteem and trust yet again  it just frightens me to think of the effects my Son and i will have to experience in the meantime 
I have found an international Church close by and am taking our Son for the first time on Sunday and will start praying that my partner will come to see the damage he is causing to himself, me and our family as I intend to stand by him and find a way to get through this.
Last edited on Fri Oct 19th, 2007 03:49 pm by Emgem
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Sat Oct 20th, 2007 04:02 am |
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Hi Emgem,
I applaud your desire to be supportive, but he is the only one who can choose to get the help he needs to break free of this.
One of two things is happening. He can either control it, or he cannot. If he can control it and does not choose to, then he is blatantly disregarding you and your feelings, setting a very poor example to the children of how to treat women. If he "can't help himself," that is addiction, and willpower is not enough. Group support and/or counselling are needed. Additionally, it sounds like the two of you need guidance in what constitutes a healthy relationship. Addiction NEVER goes away just by sticking one's head in the sand long enough. Sorry is not enough, because, as often as he has said it and nothing has changed, it is a lie, until he takes concrete steps to get help. Please, please do not marry this man unless he takes care of this and demonstrates prolonged sobriety, as well as access to any computer he uses, and accountability for his time. This is not how you want to live the rest of your life.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Emgem
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 12:26 pm |
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Thank you for your reply Truthseeker, it's a comfort to feel like i have a friend on my side instead of the usual "it's just a bit of harmless p, don't worry about it".
On a positive note, i found the courage to show my partner one of the articles by Mike Genung and for the first time ever, we actually had a discussion about it and i was able to tell him how i feel without us having a blazing row. I also told him i would be praying for protection for our family. Today i received an email from him saying that he doesn't want to hurt me and realises that p is not ok & will spoil our happines. He also said a lot of other beautiful things which is very unusual as he's a very private person.
Despite his assurances, he understands how hard it is for me to believe he can control this because of all the lies. However, i'm putting my faith in him because he is a good person and i've told him that if at any point he feels like he needs some support, i'm here. In the meantime, i shall pray for strength to face what the future might bring and protection for him, me and our family. Like i said, he is a good person so i am confident that we will get through this, although it's possible that we might only be at the very beginning of our struggle.
Thank you once again and I wish all the best to all the recovering SA's and their families.
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TimM
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 04:25 pm |
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The beginnings of conversation are important. Good work. It's great that he is willing to talk, and it's great that he is able to recognize that he has a problem. Far too many people never get to those points.
Truthseeker is right, though, that being a good person is not enough to overcome an addiction. Promising and really meaning to do better do not make doing better happen. Good people who want to do better still need help and support to overcome desires that have proven time and again to be more powerful than we are.
It can take a long time to work that out. I promised far too many times that I was finally through, only to fail again and hide again in my shame and sink just a little deeper.
I hope he's made it to the point of really being able to open up and stay open, to get counseling and support and really work at recovery, and to do whatever it takes to build new relationships with God, with other people, and with himself. For me and for many addicts, it's things like that that really are changing our lives. Believing we can do it alone and persuading others of that because we are sincere good people hasn't done much for many of us.
There is enormous hope out there, once one is willing to make it one's sole priority, though.
At least, that's how it seems to me and to many of the recovering addicts I'm privileged to know in my 12-step meetings and on the web.
Tim M.
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Wilderness Voice
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Posted: Mon Oct 22nd, 2007 09:47 pm |
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Dear Emgem:
If you ask of Jesus to give you living water to drink, He would give it to you. It would become a well of water springing up unto everlasting life.
But He may ask something of you in return.
Wilderness Voice
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Emgem
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 11:23 am |
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Thank you for your kind replies 
I'm under no illusion that this is the end. It started with promises that it would stop, then it became that he understood i'd made sacrifices so it was only fair that he should stop, now it's that he realises porn isn't ok and will spoil our happiness... but after 6 years it hasn't stopped, the promises to stop just get more elaborate.
It's difficult because he's grown up in an environment where p is considered a normal part of every day life. His Mum told me once that she'd let his Dad (who passed a few years ago) watch men's stuff on the TV & she would just read or something, his older brother who has always been single has a much worse addiction than my partner, and some of his close cousins and friends are also into it.
...anyway, i guess now that he's said he realises it's not ok, all i can do is wait until i see any evidence and hope that the next time, he realises he does actually have a problem so we can take the next step, because at the moment he obviously believes he can control it and i don't want to rock the boat by challenging him just yet.
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TimM
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Posted: Tue Oct 23rd, 2007 03:49 pm |
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All this is reasonable. I guess I just want to share my experience that from a first confrontation with my wife in which she conveyed how much I was hurting her, it took me 25 years to get to the beginning of real recovery. You've seen a real step, but it took me decades to move from that step to the first real improvement.
Of course, I hope this isn't your experience, or his.
Tim M.
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