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heartaching
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Posted: Sun Sep 16th, 2007 10:33 am |
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| I stumbled upon my husbands problem.While on a family vacation, with our 7 children, I saw an email from an "escort" confirming her arrival at my husbands hotel in 2 days (he was leaving for a business trip from our vacation. On the email i saw her response to his requets. He asked for kissing, 69 and Anal sex. I was ill. So now the truth has come out. He went from porn on the internet, to chat rooms, to web cam sites where he would watch and tell girls what to do, to then having mutual nude massages. The massages would be at a hotel or a girls apt. He and she would be nude and would give him oral sex by mouth or hand. He would touch all body parts on the girl with hands and mouth. He says he saw about 30 in a 3 month period. He spent about $10,000 in 5 months on massages and webcam sites. We have 7 children and I still love him. We are trying to work through it. We go to counseling together and both seperatly. I find myself prayers 10-15 times a day. The Lord is the only reason I am still here. The shock, pain, aching was beyond anything I could have imagined. I am struggling with be suspicious all the time. My husbands is very done with me being emotional (I found out July 28th what he had been doing)He acts like I should be over it and tries to just deal with what was wrong with the marriage before he cheated. I am still dealing with the trama of it all. I told him I need lots of reassurance and to show me he is commited to doing anything to save the marriage. He has not done the little things I asked for, as a restitution of sorts. I found out today, that he had gone on porns sites yesterday, and he reactedmlikemit wasnt a big deal since it was onlym10 minutes. I ended up crying and he got mad at me again. Am I crazy to keep putting myself through this? I feel as if I am going crazy.
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TimM
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| Joined: | Thu Jul 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
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Posted: Sun Sep 16th, 2007 01:51 pm |
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One way in which we addicts protect our addiction is, of course, by lying. We tell stories that might be true, or that we wish were true. We get confused by our lies, and when there are inconsistencies, we try to get the people we're lying to to doubt their own memories and their own clear feelings. This makes the people around us feel crazy. It's called gaslighting, and it's one of the most painful and destructive things we do to others.
So no, I doubt you're crazy. Of course you're still in pain. Of course you need reassurance. Of course you're emotional. Those things may continue for a long time. Your husband would do well to accept this fact.
Are you crazy to continue to put up with this treatment? That's a call I think you have to make for yourself. For me, what you describe as your husband's continuing anger, his continuing lack of empathy, and his continuing use of porn - who knows how much, and what else he has been doing? - are big red flags that he is not yet ready to quit. Only you can decide whether or not you are willing to stay with him and hope that at some future time he becomes ready.
In the mean time, do look after yourself. You've seen that you cannot trust what your husband says. It is common for us addicts to tell as little as we think we have to tell. It's worth considering the possibility that if he says the adultery has been going on for 6 months, it could have been much longer as well. If he says what he's doing now is only viewing a little porn, there may be much more going on. If he says all the sex was protected, that might not quite be true. You may not yet know the whole story. Do be sure that you have gotten yourself tested for STDs and that you are safe from anything he might contract now.
There is certainly hope for recovery from sexual addictions. I know people who have been sexually sober for many years. It happens all the time. It's really hard work, though. I know many multiply addicted people, and I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who thought recovery from sex addiction was easier than recovery from alcoholism or cocaine addiction. There is huge hope, but it's the hardest and scariest thing most of us will ever do. Getting free and staying free are the tasks of a lifetime with a lot of help, not the work of a few weeks. We have to become new people.
I hope your husband gets to where he can make that effort. I'm sorry I can't offer further advice from my own experience about how you might best handle the current situation where he seems not yet ready to surrender and give everything to get better.
Tim M.
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heartaching
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| Joined: | Wed Aug 22nd, 2007 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 02:10 am |
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| Thank you so much for you reply. It shed some light as to why I feel like I am going crazy. I appreciate your words of encouragement and that as in your case my husband can too, fight the addiction and open up.....completely. Blessings to you!
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TimM
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Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 03:48 am |
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You're welcome.
It may just be me, but I'm still queasy about the idea of fighting the addiction, though. It's so easy to slide back into making it a fight between me and an evil other, and to engaging that fight alone by force of will. Done that way, I lost every time. Rather, I thnk, we have to accept our continuing weakness, turn our temptations and our will and our lives over to Christ, and go on about the business of facing ourselves honestly and learning with the help of other people to live lives of openness in which the fears and secrets and shame and resentments that stand behind our need to act out never build up.
It's not fighting the addiction. It's surrender to God and acceptance of who we are.
Just how it seems to me, of course.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
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Posted: Mon Sep 17th, 2007 05:33 pm |
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Hi heartaching,
I am grieved to hear of the pain you are in, and sadder still that your husband does not seem wholeheartedly committed to recovery. In fact, at risk of seeming judgmental, it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. It sounds like he does not get that one deliberate look, no matter how brief, is betrayal. Tim is quite right, He needs to grasp, no matter how much it stings his conscience, that he has wounded you terribly and that you should not have to confine all of your grieving and pain to private, or outside of his presence. He needs to own that he has harmed you, and face what he has done with repentance and humility. But then part of this addiction is hiding from having to deal with feelings. No, you are not likely to trust him for a long time, and only if he exhibits prolonged, consistently trustworthy behavior. He has to realize that even one breach of trust extends the healing of trust exponentially.
Does he claim to be a believer? If he fails to recognize God's prohibition against lust, recovery will be much more tenuous.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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forthelord47
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| Joined: | Sat Apr 7th, 2007 |
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Posted: Thu Sep 20th, 2007 12:50 am |
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Good Evening,
I'm not proud to say that your husband's story is quite similar to mine, except that I spent many thousands of dollars more then your husband did and was acting on the addiction for thirteen years out of our fourteen year marriage. I have been clean since early October, 2006. I am blessed to still be married and my wife has been a lifeline throughout my recovery. The whole experience has been incredibly painful for her and she has often wished for "a lobotomy." We all know that getting clean from any addiction is a process but I share your concern about your husband checking out porn. I have kept all porn and sex related internet sites way below my "bottom line." Going back to these sites is the gateway to hell for me. I really encourage you to continue to reach out for fellowship with others on this forum, especially other women who are dealing with similar shocks. Perhaps the Lord will direct your husband to seek help and support here as well.
God bless,
Marc
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mismis
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Posted: Tue Oct 16th, 2007 04:57 pm |
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I have been married for over 5 years, and been with my husband for 9 1/2 years and since we've been together I have lived with his lies. I'd catch him watching porn while I was lying next to him, when I'd wake up he'd switch the channel right away. It went from watching porn to signing up for porn websites (charged on our credit cards), to secretly signing up 4 other personal emails addresses, 2 of which he was receiving emails with the subject of 'watch us on live web cams', also to chatting with these strangers and lastly to posting ads on craigslist for 'someone to talk to'. Then, he received a phone call from a friend asking for a number of a someone that could give a 'happy ending', my husband then called this person and said 'Hey, it's me', not giving his name, just 'hey, it's me'...wow! He obviously knows this person, has this person given him a happy ending? Will I ever know...Now, these are just the things I know about...He hides what he is doing on his laptap all the time, but I know what he's doing. He rearranged our office room so that his computer is against the back wall to where I can not see what he is doing. I let him be and try to avoid saying anything yet, he must think I am stupid not to realize that I know what he's doing. His looking at other girls on tv and websites, I have come to deal with that, but to accept him watching girls 'live' on web cams and to seek them out and chat with them is a whole other issue I can not accept. It sure doesn't make me feel good about myself or feel that I am enough for him on some days...But yet, I still love him and never want to be without him.
A part of me knows I should say more but there is a part of me that is also afraid that he won't care and that he will just tell more lies to dig himself out of the whole he's creating between us.
What I'm looking for here is some kind of guidance and for any words of wisdom.
Last edited on Tue Oct 16th, 2007 06:41 pm by mismis
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forthelord47
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Posted: Wed Oct 17th, 2007 11:25 pm |
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There is normally a section of the Blazinggrace forum where wives/spouses of sex addicts can express themselves and find support. In logging in tonight, I no longer see that section. Either way, I do hope you receive some feedback from some of the wives who regularly post on Blazinggrace. It is a blessing to thank Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior for helping me to stay clean for one year. Jesus has also allowed my marriage to continue. My wife has suffered greatly, due to my years of selfish and sinful behaviors but I have been clean over the last year. I'm grateful to this forum as well for the constant inspiration to stay clean connected to Jesus.
God bless,
Marc
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 05:19 am |
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Hi mismis,
As you can see, this behavior is escalating, a strong indicator of addiction. Have you never said a word to him, or has he lied and/or become angry when you have? If you have said nothing, then he probably thinks that you either do not know, or care. My policy is zero tolerance. He married you. What may wander in to line of sight in the course of work and errands he has no control over, but what he chooses to focus on, be it recorded for TV, still photos, or live chat or webcam is unacceptable. At risk of sounding paranoid, I'm not sure that I would be having unprotected sex, and might even be tested for STD's. I would gather concrete evidence and confront him, suggesting marriage counselling and/or a recovery program for him. Your willingness to accept any of it suggests that you might wish to explore whether or not you are exhibiting any codependent behavior.
Above all, please try to understand that this problem probably long preceeded your relationship, and has nothing to do with you. It is, like drugs and alcohol, a means of numbing emotional pain and/or feelings of inadequacy.
I hope and pray that he is willing to acknowledge this struggle and seek the help needed to break it.
TruthSeeker
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mismis
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 04:08 pm |
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Thank you truthseeker. I have confronted him off and on...on several occasions but he always seems to have a comeback...another lie...and at this point I wouldn't know if he was telling me the truth because he's been lying for so long. He does get angry but I think more than anything, he gets anrgy at himself for getting caught. He doesn't think he has a problem. When he posted that craigslist ad, I went on craigslist and there are tons of married guys out there looking to 'hook up' with other girls, even though they are married. I just can't believe it. He even created a myspace page over 3 years ago and did not tell me about it, I didn't find out about it until earlier this year. And his myspace page is not under his real name nor are some of his email addresses, it's almost as if he is two people. One who is trying to hide his real identity...from me probably...but that did not work for him. Who knows how many of those girls on his page are girls that he's been watching or chatting with...I know that when I have confronted him on some things, he uses the information that I give him to back track his footsteps...meaning he tries to cover his tracks even more so, so that he will not get caught again. And thank you for saying it has nothing to do with me that he could have been doing this long before me, which is probably true but really some days it makes me feel crappy.
I just hope that one day he can see what this is doing to me, to us and that we can talk about it. I just hate all the denying that is going on.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Oct 18th, 2007 08:29 pm |
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Hi mismis,
"One day" may never arrive if you wait on him to decide that it is a problem. You cannot change him, but only your response to him. He, in turn, is not going to change until he hits bottom, which could be when you tell him that if he and/or the two of you do not get help that he will have to leave, to never, or any range in between. As long as you cook and clean for him, do his laundry, and sleep with him, appearing to get over his "indiscretions" and lies, he has no incentive to change. Of course separating, or speaking of doing so, may not reach him, so there is no point in saying it if you do not intend to follow through. With the lying and increasingly interactive nature of his acting out, "sorry" just won't cut it, because willpower only seems focused on hiding it, not stopping it. Even having the will to stop almost always requires outside support groups or counselling. It really boils down to whether or not you are willing to live with his unfaithfulness or not. If you are more afraid of losing the illusion of a relationship that you have, or of being alone, than you are of where his addiction will take him next, and what disease he may bring home to you, then I guess you do nothing. If you desire emotional health and safety, then you are going to need to set boundaries and consequences. He will need to have transparency and accountability with the computer, such as filtering software for which you alone have the password, only being online in your presence, or, if it is not used for employment, getting rid of it altogether. I hope he chooses you, but even if he does not, know that you are a special, unique individual who needs to be safe physically and emotionally, and that it is possible to do that on your own.
Whatever he decides, you may find one of the programs like SA-Anon or Celebrate Recovery to be helpful as the partner of an addict.
From what I have read, it is not at all uncommon for an addict to compartmentalize the behavior to such a point that they do seem like they have a split personality. Being at that level is a strong indicator of addiction.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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heartaching
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Posted: Thu Feb 14th, 2008 09:47 pm |
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Dear mismis,
It has been 8 months since I caught and confronted my husband redhanded. Even then he still lied, tried to justify etc. It took 4 more months for all the truth to come out, and even then who knows if really all the truth came out. I have had to deal with Craigslist too. Is makes me ill. Knowing my husband was with over 50 + of those women... But I have educated myself and learned as much as I can about sexual addiction and also codependancy (which 80% of addicts have) and almost 100% of people living with addicts are. Education can free your mind and bring you peace along with praying for the Lord to guide you. We found a program that we are in the middle of. It is intensive but worth it. It goes into deepth of how an addiction is formed, from early childhood, how it is created to soothe or heal and how it increase and intensifies over time. It has been amazing the compassion I have felt for my husband and seeing how he has struggled with this for 30 years. He still is accountable for his choices, but it like any addiction, it is uncontrolable without help. There is a long process of the addict overcoming cenial and justification. I highly encourage you, even if you husband is not ready, for your self and wellbeing, to look into the program. It is called Lifestar. http://www.lifestar.com Take care of yourself. Find peace in your day. Look into yourself and see the pure clean spirit you were born with and know that she is in you and deserves to be cherished and loved and honored. You are a daughter of our Heavenly Father and he will watch and protect you and envelop you with love.
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