| Author | Post |
|---|
StupidHubby
Member
| Joined: | Sat Aug 4th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |  |
|
Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 06:29 am |
|
I guess I'll cut straight to the chase. I was introduced to sex and porn at a very young age and had trouble with p and m ever since. It's always been my little secret struggle that now one knew about and I always intended to keep it that way. I'd pray to God that he could help make me strong enough to fight those urges, but eventually, I left the church as I was afraid God would out me to the congregation in a last ditch effort to get me to repent.
Well, flash forward 15 years later and two years into what was once a happy marriage...and here we are today. I wasn't careful enough and no amount of lying to my wife could get me out of it this time, so I had to come clean. I knew it was time to tell her that this was an ongoing problem I've had and it wasn't an isolated event. I told her about being abused as a child and not knowing how to deal with the confusion that it caused. She was...and still is...devistated. She came from a broken family and in her words, I was the best, and only good thing in her life and I've managed to crush it. I tried to tell her that it had nothing to do with her, that it didn't matter how much I loved her and how attractive she was to me, but all that mattered to her was that I lusted after other women. Of course, my response was silence because I knew she was right. I managed to lie to myself all these years, telling myself that it was a victimless crime and that I wasn't a cheating husband.
It's quite amazing what happens when reality slaps you cold in the face. We spent the first week or so barely sleeping and barely eating. We did a lot of crying and a lot of talking, but the hurt that I've caused her has not diminished. Things are better now, but our relationship isn't the same...and I guess after all this, it can't be. I've done quite a bit of lurking on the boards over the past month, but something I haven't seen a lot of are success stories. My wife doesn't think she can forgive me until we are close again, but I tend to think that we can't be close until she's let go of the hurt and moved towards showing me the grace of her forgiveness. I also realize that it isn't my place to pressure her to forgive me...and I haven't. I think at this point, we are just kind of in limbo. I'm not sure we are making any progress with repairing what we have, though I know it's a LOT better than it was during the first several days. I just don't know where we go from here. I haven't looked at porn in nearly 2 months and that I honestly feel no desire to. I know...from some direct wording...that there are to be no relapses. I got 1 strike and that's all I get.
One thing that does give me hope, is that I do believe that God allowed this to happen. He chose a time and a place for my freedom from this bondage and he's making sure the process is painful enough to teach me never to go back to it again. It sort of reminds me of one of the stories I was reading in Judges the other day. God'ds children fell back into darkness and sin (good grief they do that a lot) and he finally threw up his hands and allowed (key word, allowed) them to be delivered into the hands of their enemies. Only then, did they repent and plead for his help...and of course he offered it immediately. It was strange for me to think of the God from the Old Testament as a forgiving God. It is comforting to know that the Hebrews, who saw God's works for them first hand, could fall into sexual sin time after time after time, but God would redeem them and make them whole. I pray that he will do the same for my marriage.
Last edited on Tue Sep 11th, 2007 06:30 am by StupidHubby
|
TimM
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 256 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: |   |
|
Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 01:58 pm |
|
SH,
Welcome!
Forgive me for responding with sort of a muddle of random comments addressing different parts of your post.
It's natural that there is still a lot of pain and confusion. You are both building new lives and a new relationship. You are both still grieving the old way of being, broken as it may have been. You are both facing new depths and new fears. It's a tough time. Be as gentle as you can on yourselves and on one another.
As a tiny bit of that, are you sure StupidHubby is the right name? A lot of the addicts I know are smart people whose pain and fears and resentments and lack of emotional learning have caused us to behave in bad ways.
Boards like this often have pretty high turnover. New hurting people come through all the time, and addressing the same pain and the same questions again and again day after day wears down those who might stay as success stories. For many, too, a big part of success is learning to form real intimate friendships in our daily lives, a process that can't happen fully on an Internet forum. Many of the recovering move away from places like this. There are success stories, though. At my SLAA meeting last night, one member received a token for 10 years continuous sobriety. I know people who have been sober longer than that. I'm still a newcomer with less than 2 years, but there is enormous hope when we become willing to do whatever is necessary.
That said, recovery from sex addiction is really hard. Probably about half of the people at my meetings are also alcoholics, and I don't think I know anyone who has found it easier to get sober from this addiction than from alcohol, or even from cocaine. Take this really seriously.
With that in mind, what are you doing to get help and support and to maximize the chances of success on the one chance you have? It sounds like both you and your wife might really benefit from counseling. The people I know who are staying sober are active in 12-step or other support groups. They are doing a lot of reading and writing and praying. They are on the phone to other addicts. They are working hard to break down the isolation and shame and hiding that are at the core of any addiction, but of this addiction particularly. I don't think any of that stuff is optional, at least for me. We absolutely can't do this alone. We get better when we hit bottom and become willing to face our deepest fears and to do things we have resisted all our lives in order to recover. We get better when we realize that saying, "I know this is a really big problem, but . . ." is a road to disaster. What are you doing now and tomorrow and the next day to recover?
Again, it's great you're here. Starting to share at places like this is a small step, but an important one. Keep taking those steps!
For me, the project of facing my addiction, facing myself, and beginning to be open to other people and to God has been the hardest thing I've ever done. It's also been the most rewarding. The blessings I've found in the 2 1/2 years I've been in recovery aren't things I ever imagined were possible. The last 2 years have had some difficulties for me. I have a son who is really struggling with his own psychological issues, and I've found myself unexpectedly in the hospital thrice with problems with my heart and brain. The past 2 1/2 years have also been without question the best 2 1/2 years of my life. What we're doing is worth any cost.
Keep coming back, and keep doing more.
Tim M.
|
truthseeker
Super Moderator
| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
| Posts: | 846 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Tue Sep 11th, 2007 02:01 pm |
|
Hi Hubby, (being snared by Satan makes either none or all of us stupid)
There are some, such as Tim, who are kind enough to remain during ongoing freedom and encourage those at an earlier point on the path, and the founder of this site, Mike, (though he doesn't post much.) Some have found freedom from P, but still struggle with M. There are many others, though, who move completely on with life and do not, unfortunately, remain to encourage others. The same is true for us wives, which, aside from the prompting of the Holy Spirit, is a human reason I have stayed, though there has been no indication of porn use in some 15 months, and that a lapse in the midst of 2.5 years.
Are you and your wife, either together or separately, receiving any counselling? It sounds like there is a lot of pain in both your pasts that could use healing. If counselling is financially unfeasible, what are you doing to assist in your recovery, and what are the two of you doing to heal your marriage?
Do you have, or are you seeking, a church home? Isolation from the body of Christ makes relapse more likely.
You are right that it is a circular problem of closeness and forgiveness. Some women connect forgiveness and trust more closely than others. While I forgave my husband immediately for the lapse, trust has been much slower to rebuild after the second discovery. For some women, though, trustworthiness and forgiveness are inseparable. My best suggestion is to try and draw as near emotionally as she is ready for, (not physically necessarily, especially if she is not ready,) freely acknowledging the agony you have caused her, and trust God to bring about the forgiveness in her heart, in His time.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
|
StupidHubby
Member
| Joined: | Sat Aug 4th, 2007 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 2 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 12:47 am |
|
Well, we certainly appreciate the prayers.
We are not currently in counseling, though we have discussed it and are open to it if we come to point where we are not making progress. We've purchased a few books...notably the series by Kevin B. Skinner, which has been a big help for me, and a few that deal with closeless problems. I think we both feel that one of the main ingredience to this hurt is the passage of time. I'm not saying that time itself will heal our marriage, but I think it certainly helps.
Several weeks ago I came to the realization that M was the root cause of the P viewing and that concurring M was actually my priority. And boy, I have to admit, it's been tough. I feel like God spoke to me the other day and his words have given me strength and conviction. He said, "You are responsible for your own actions." For years, I told myself that I couldn't control myself and that I was just weak. Heck, I spent some of that time terrified that I was possessed. I understand now that Satan was planting those thoughts in my mind to give me an excuse to act out. The fact is, I do have control over myself. I still have to make the conscience decision to disobey God's will.
Anyway, I've never been so sorry to have to meet such nice people. I doubt my wife will post, but I'll be around every now and then.
|
TimM
Member
| Joined: | Thu Jul 5th, 2007 |
| Location: | Rural Midwest, USA |
| Posts: | 256 |
| Status: |
Offline
|
| Mana: | |
|
Posted: Wed Sep 12th, 2007 04:20 am |
|
Of course I don't doubt that we are responsible for our actions. Despite that, though, I'm not persuaded that we can necessarily control ourselves in a simple way. At least, I spent 30 years actively trying to stop acting out by using will power and by conceptualizing the issue as purely a moral one, and I spent 30 years failing.
In order to start to get free, I needed to accept that the underlying psychological forces pushing me into my addiction were stronger than the part of me that wanted to stop. I needed to become willing to get help. I needed to surrender to God in a real way. I needed to face the fears and underlying issues that drive my addiction, and I needed help to begin to do that. I needed to give up what I am persuaded is for me the illusion of control.
That's just me and the recovering addicts I know. You may have a different experience. If you have trouble though - if you find yourself acting out again, or if you fail to find joy - I hope you'll remember that there are other ways to proceed and to conceptualize addiction that are working for some people.
Do well.
Tim M.
|
Current time is 10:08 am | |
|
|
|
RSS