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bocefous
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| Joined: | Fri Aug 17th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Sep 8th, 2007 03:42 pm |
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Where to start... After 15 years of marriage, I have recently discovered / accepted that my husband is a SA. A brief history of me first.
I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. My father was emotionally and physically abusive my entire life. Being the youngest of three girls, with my sisters being 7 & 10 older than me, I received the most since they moved out in high school. My father than focused on "me". Yet, he allowed me to be active in sports, which I loved. However, he would show up at the games, drunk and causing a scene, embarrassing me where ever we were. My mother was codependent and an enabler. She raised us to choose our actions around my father. Always saying to watch this or watch that because your dad is drunk. We had to be "good" so my dad wouldn't fly off the handle. Back then, everyone drank, alcoholics were not heard of, drunk driving was only sobering up in the local jail for the night, maybe! Then my dad suffered a MAJOR stroke, forcing him to be totally dependent on his family. My sisters bailed, couldn't / wouldn't allow themselves to help care for him. My mother refused. SO... i ended up being my fathers caretaker. Going from him abusing me to wiping his butt, giving him a bath, feeding him everything, just like another child. I quit my job, stayed with him 16-17 hours a day at his house with my mom, totally gave up everything to care for him. He passed away a year later. I am still dealing with this and he has been gone 6 years. Anyway...
What do I do when I reach 16? Get pregnant. I do not regret my decision on keeping her, just the age i was at the time. I was forced to grow up and in a hurry. My mother was very supportive, my father was if he was sober, if he was drinking we would be locked out, thrown out, whatever he choose at the time. He tried forcing marriage, but I refused. Just before I reached 18 I moved out with my boyfriend. 2 years later we got married, had another daughter but guess what. He too was abusive. Physically at times but mentally daily. I found someone like my dad, surprise.
My second daughter was 3 weeks old when I had enough! Filed for divorce, I was through. 6 months later .... I ran into my current husband. We went to high school together, thought life was good again. Took it slow so I thought. We moved in together since I was scared to marry. Two years later we had our son.
From the start, now looking back, my h has always been into porn, seductive movies, etc. Catching him often, he tried to sneak around with magazines, movies, Internet sites, hiding things, waking up late at night to watch, mastu.. etc. BUT, he always said it was my fault, I was the one with the problem, everyone watches, everyone likes it etc. It was my upbringing that ruined me. After dealing with these remarks and more and "catching" him regularly, we went to a marriage counselor. First time a lady that said I needed to adjust to my husbands desire of this. We stayed with her for about 6 months and only finally left when she told me i had already outgrown my husband and I needed to divorce him. NOT what I wanted. The second counselor wouldn't even address this situation with us. Said we needed to deal with "other" issues first. Meantime, he is withholding s*x from me, allowing me to catch him, mastur... next to me while I'm sleeping... leaving evidence around for me to clean up so the kids wont see, it's just getting worse! Years are passing, can't deal with the situation anymore, crying every time i catch him, fighting about it, the entire thing is taking hugh control of our relationship and me.
I started looking for what he was doing, viewing blank vhs tapes, looking up the history / cookies on the computer, changing passwords, limiting access online, going through his vehicle, checking receipts, calling movie stores, spending hours a day trying to make sure he didn't have anything...I was OBSESSED.
I again, started therapy for ME, about 5 months ago. My new therapist I really connect with. She is down to earth and calls me on stuff I need to be called on. Gee, I am codependent and an enabler. Who would have thought! A big of me thought I was the problem, thought if I would do this, he would do that, if only I was like this he would be like that. NOT TRUE. I do get that now. But as i'm talking to her she gives me a print out of 25 questions" Are you a SA?" I answered 16 of the 25 for my h and yes, he is. I bring it home, asking for him to read it, answer to himself, and give me his opinion. He said he has never failed a test so poorly before. He feels he has an addiction and he needs to get help before we do end up divorced.
Thats where we stand. His talk is good but no actions. Always finding excuses not to go to meetings, or investigate on his own. He asked for me to get him information on it, so i did. Every week i ask if he is going to a meeting, but I do not say anything else regarding it. He does know I have joined chat groups and discussion boards. I set up a private email to receive correspondence through the sites so he can't access them. Thats where I stand. Now trying to focus on ME, dealing with my codependent issues, my enabling, my past / present and future.
Sorry i didn't start this out to be a book. I'm sure you all know once you start its just pours out of you.
I am not looking for sympathy. I am just in need of other people that have gone through some of the things I am dealing with. Input, suggestions, an open ear. I am NOT perfect, far from it. i try my best to help everyone I can. I'm not materialistic or judgemental. I am not comfortable going to my family or friends with this. Of course, everyone thinks we have a marriage made in heaven.
Thanks for reading / listening.
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