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searching1
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Posted: Tue Nov 1st, 2005 06:22 pm |
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Well, I had been posting on fires of darkness. I live in a town hit by hurricane Rita, and while I was evacuated they stopped the forums. So, here I am. I'm a spouse of an addict.  Things are not looking up these days.
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captivated
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Posted: Wed Nov 2nd, 2005 09:30 am |
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Hi, searching1,
Welcome! Praying this is a place where you will feel safe and be blessed. Is there anything you would like to share here? Any questions? Anything for prayer? I am the wife of a sex addict as well. You do have a lot on you plate with all of this AND the hurricane, don't you?
Blessings in Jesus to you,
captivated
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searching1
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 03:07 am |
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Hi Captivated,
Thanks. Well, things seemed to be getting better before the storm. My husband's main problem was internet pn. While I was gone he had to stay, but of course he had no access to the internet or TV. Lately what's been going on is kind of graphic, so I don't know that you want to hear it. We had started seeing a counselor and the day I had to leave town we had an appointment that afternoon for our 2nd visit. The part of town where the counselor's office is was flooded. So, who knows when we'll make the 2nd visit. My main point of pain right now is knowing that my husband isn't fully committed to me in his heart. It hurts. He always says he loves me and is always willing to do things for me, but I know that I don't have his heart, so it all means very little. I'm just sad and frankly fed up. If we didn't have a small child together I'd already be gone. I know that's not God's best, but it's just how I feel. The 3 weeks I was away was very stress free. (I had some stress, but it was a different kind and frankly I'd prefer that over this.) Well, here I am rambling. Thanks for the ear.
Searching
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 04:05 am |
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Hi, searching!
First, I don't know if you've had an opportunity to read through some of the other forums to see how people have shared things in this context or not, but it may be helpful for you to be able to share a little bit more here if you're comfortable. Has your husband acted out sexually with another individual, looked at porn, been in fantasy and masturbation, etc.....? Is your husband willing to attempt to give up his lustful behavior to pursue you and your marriage? Just wanted you to know it's okay to share these sorts of things here if it is helpful to you to do so or helpful in how we might support and pray for you. It is a difficult and grievous thing to feel we don't have our husband's hearts, isn't it? I can relate to this pain and have shed many tears myself! I really feel for you and will/have prayed for you! Where you are staying, are there any other women you're able to share with or pray with? I'm just wondering what your support system is like there. If you read through this site, you'll also see several helpful reading suggestions for the spouse of an addict. I will pray you'll feel God's love and provision for you, receive His wisdom to know how to best deal with your situation, and that He'll provide other women you can share and be real with and pray with right where you are in addition to this forum.
Blessings,
Captivated
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searching1
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 12:06 pm |
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Hi Captivated,
Well, I'm back at home now. No, there are no other women I feel I can share this with. Most of the women I'm friends with are from our church. And theoretically, these are the people I should be able to talk to, but the reality is that in the church there are things we can't share freely, this is one of them. I don't want the way these women see my husband to change. The thing that has happened since I've been back home is that I've noticed my husband gets an erection from women on TV. Now, this doesn't sound like a big deal, but we don't watch TV with half dressed women. I mean these are women that are dressed modestly and nothing sexual is going on. That is the part that gets to me. I could understand if they were 1/2 dressed or there was a sexual scene or sexual talk. But, I don't get the fact that none of this is happening. Also, I'll look over and his hand is on his private part. I'm thinking why are you doing this with me in the same room? Does he think I can't see, does he just not care or is he trying to hurt me? Any time I try to talk to him about these things he tries to say things aren't the way I think they are. Makes me so angry that he thinks that after me seeing something with my own eyes that he can convince me that I'm crazy and that what I saw didn't really happen.  I don't think he has viewed pn on-line, but the fact that I'm not the one that excites him hurts. In the past 6 months there have been a few times when he can't perform when we do try to make love. I know it's b/c his brain is chemically wired now to get excited over porn instead and I'm just not enough anymore. Well, I need to go. Thanks for your prayers and your support and for letting me vent. God Bless You.
Searching
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captivated
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 06:10 pm |
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Okay, this is actually the fourth time I've attempted to respond to you, searching. Sorry. We have several children to keep me busy amidst the rest of life! Anyway, my heart does go out to you. It is tough and painful and will all affect your sex life, level of intimacy in marriage, trust, etc.....ALTHOUGH I also know God is powerful and has the ability to restore the years and intimacy the locusts have eaten as well....and He HAS done this for many, so we can be encouraged by this!
About the TV situation, I was wondering specifically, what would happen if you didn't say anything to your husband at all in the situation you'd described. What would happen if you simply got up, turned off the TV, and calmly left the room or even the house for a while, leaving him to hear the silence and possibly feel more of the gravity of your actions more than hearing your words which he may shrug off since you're still there to take it and put up with him watching it. This may cause him to realize he has choices to make in life which he'll also have to live with the consequences of. Remember the saying, actions speak louder than words does hold true at times.
Concerning sharing with other women in your church. It is admirable that you want to honor your husband, but ..... allowing darkness or sin to fester in silence.....not speaking the truth in love, etc......may do you and your husband more harm than good. Of course, you have to be discerning about who you share with, but one of the biggest tactics of the enemy in sexual sin is to withdrawal and isolate in shame....and pain......and to prevent genuine realness AND healing from taking place. My guess is that there are other women in your group facing the same sorts of struggles. Some may not be ready to deal with it yet, but you are, so if you can't find women you can be real and pray with in your own church, there are support groups or individuals in other churches you may be able to connect with. You need not stay alone. Most importantly, ask God to show you and provide. He cares for you so and wants to give you all you need to fight this battle for your marriage and family. It is worth the fight, so keep going! Ask Him what next and let's see what He does. Do you have another counseling session scheduled for the two of you or just him yet?
With care,
captivated
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searching1
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Posted: Thu Nov 3rd, 2005 09:42 pm |
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Captivated,
Well, about the TV thing, I haven't said anything to him lately. But in the past when I say things, that's when he tells me "I have it all wrong." He's not arrogant about it, just so sincere, but "Hello", I'm not blind.
As far as the TV or movie, it's not even anything suggestive, no one is dressed improperly(and I have high standards as far a clothing goes), and no one is talking about sex in any way and he still gets an erection. So, that's why I don't turn it off or leave the room.
There have been times when something inappropriate happens on something we're watching and he has the remote and does not change the channel, and I have walked out of the room. The point is, I just don't understand his excitement over nothing? I would like to have him explain it to me, but I have not talked to him about it, because I really don't see the point. I know how the conversation will go and I'm tired of the whole circle.
What I'd really like is: for him to admit he's not fully devoted to me and we could deal with that. Instead he tries to convince me that he really loves me and blah blah blah. We're already married and we have a child together now. It was probably a mistake to get married, but it's done. So, just admit the truth and let's move forward from there. But please don't try to convince me of your undying love, when you've been turning to pictures of other women for the past 2 years.
Just to give you a little history of our relationship: We started dating in high school. Even back then he would flirt with other girls in front of me. Now, looking back I NEVER put up with that from other guys. In fact I broke up with a few for the very same thing. I have no idea why I didn't dump him for it, but for some reason I didn't. We dated for 3 years before we got married in college. We have now been married for 12 years and we have a 4 year old. So, I thought I knew him pretty well. Looking back at the early years of our dating I can see lots of signs. I never thought I would think this, but if time travel were possible I'd go back in time and tell my past self to dump him and try to find someone else or just stay single.
I really regret marrying him, but I did make a vow before God and my daughter really loves her daddy and I can't imagine making her grow up in a broken home, not seeing both of us every day. Sure I'd like to leave, but I don't think I should.
OK I'm rambling again. Bye.
Searching
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 12:00 am |
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Searching...
I'm very sorry about the Hurricane Rita craziness.
Tell me, are you in any kind of support group with other spouses of sex addicts? Are you aware that such groups exist? It's just so important that you connect with other women who are going through this!
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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searching1
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 03:17 am |
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Steve,
No, I'm not in a support group. I do know they exist, but I don't know if there is one in my area. Thanks.
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 10:54 am |
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Steve,
Would you suggest a group with a 12-step approach for spouses or something else? I have started looking for a group of spouses specifically dealing with sexually addicted partners, but haven't found a specific group or gone to a meeting yet, although the Lord has provided a few mature women with great experience and insight and I'm purposeful to talk to and be real with them on a regular basis.....AND they don't hesitate to speak into my life, pray with and for me, either. A spouse's group might be an excellent place to meet women like this. It is such a blessing to be open to how God operates through others in our lives to bring health emotionally, spiritually, etc......!
Captivated
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Steve
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 01:24 pm |
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Would you suggest a group with a 12-step approach for spouses or something else? I have started looking for a group of spouses specifically dealing with sexually addicted partners, but haven't found a specific group or gone to a meeting yet, although the Lord has provided a few mature women with great experience and insight and I'm purposeful to talk to and be real with them on a regular basis.....AND they don't hesitate to speak into my life, pray with and for me, either. A spouse's group might be an excellent place to meet women like this. It is such a blessing to be open to how God operates through others in our lives to bring health emotionally, spiritually, etc......!
Hi Captivated. I don't think there are 12-step groups for "spouses of sex addicts" and I'm not sure I would recommend them if they existed. (Long story.)
Having said that, I'm 90% sure there is maybe one or two female therapists who work under Doug Weiss who leads teleconference groups for hurting spouses. I highly recommend them! In Colorado Springs alone, I am aware of two weekly groups where female spouses meet for encouragement, growth and fellowship, but I don't know of any others.
My input: Contact Doug Weiss' counseling center at 719-278-3708. Ask if they have a therapist who does "teleconference partners groups for sex addicts". I betcha they'll refer you to someone.
-Steve
Last edited on Fri Nov 4th, 2005 01:25 pm by Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 02:38 pm |
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Thanks for the input, Steve! 
captivated
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captivated
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 02:54 pm |
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Searching,
You're right. It's best to stay together....for you, your husband and your daughter. Sometimes people are forced to separate for a time to get their partner's attention or be apart to grow, but I don't sense that you're to that point yet. Like Steve said, the best thing for you would be to work on the things you are able to have control over since you cannot control your husband's thoughts. Getting into a group as Steve described would provide a safe place for you to share, heal, fine-tune how you'll respond to your husband, pray and seek God, etc.... It will bless you more than I'd be able to do here. Also, the counseling route, with a counselor who understands sexual addiction would be helpful. The number Steve gave is also a place you can call for telephone counseling or if you call Focus on the Family, they may be able to refer you to someone in your area if you sense your present counselor doesn't understand sexual addiction. Again, I have and will pray for you as I feel for you in this struggle. Let us know how it goes.
Blessings in Jesus to you,
Captivated
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TimM
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 08:19 pm |
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Captivated and friends,
I'm aware of a couple of 12-step organizations for partners of sex addicts:
COSA (http://www.cosa-recovery.org)
COSLAA (http://www.coslaa.org)
I'm the addict, not the partner; so I don't have any experience with either of these organizations, nor does my wife. That said, the organizations exist, and might be helpful to someone. Neither fellowship has a lot of meetings, but one might get lucky.
I hope it's not out of place for me to mention (and even gently advocate) 12-step fellowships in this forum. In my own experience, the 12-step fellowships for addicts have been hugely important in my recovery, and in my own walk with Christ. Others here have taken different routes, and if that works for them, wonderful. I'm not an expert and not a dogmatist; what's working for me today may not work for you (or for me tomorrow). But SAA and SLAA (The addicts' fellowships matching the organizations above) have been good for me, and so I thought I'd mention that COSA and COSLAA are at least out there.
Tim M.
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Sqeaky Wheel
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 11:06 pm |
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I want to let you know that whaaat you are going through is beyond tough when youy are looking at the problem knowing that you are doing the same thing to.
I have put my wife through the same thing, and realized that it was stupid on my part, but we both said that this was the last marriage for us both.
If you are a Christian, it does say in the Bible that adultry is grounds for divorce, please continue to seek help, and yes praying is the the greatest answer.
Take CareLast edited on Fri Nov 4th, 2005 11:08 pm by Sqeaky Wheel
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God's Blessing to you
Dave
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Sqeaky Wheel
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Posted: Fri Nov 4th, 2005 11:13 pm |
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Tim
I have a ?
You are saying that 12 step program helped, and I agree that they do help, but if you look deep in the 12 step therory, your higher power could be the door knob, I think that is why there is a site like this, we don't need a higher power, we have GOD.Last edited on Fri Nov 4th, 2005 11:14 pm by Sqeaky Wheel
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God's Blessing to you
Dave
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TimM
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Posted: Sat Nov 5th, 2005 11:49 pm |
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Dave,
The last thing I want to do is generate controversy that distracts us from our common goal of freedom from our compulsive sexual behavior. Since you ask, though, let me try to give an answer.
I hear people say what you do about a higher power, usually with the example of a doorknob. It would be interesting to know where that particular choice started out. :-)
The Big Book gives people a lot of leaway about a higher power, more than most people on this forum would probably be comfortable with. But I can't read the Big Book and get out of it the possibility of a higher power that isn't something at least tinged with the divine. Could one really say in the Steps, "Made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of a doorknob as we understood a doorknob"? "Humbly asked a doorknob remove our shortcomings"? "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with a doorknob as we understood a doorknob, praying only for knowledge of a doorknob's will for us and the power to carry that out"? I don't believe anybody in the history of the world has done those things, or could.
I think that in the end, a higher power has to turn out to be divine, but that the vague language offers an entrance to people who would hit the streets as soon as they heard Jesus' name. And I think an awful lot of people come to real faith through AA and other fellowships. Hopelessness and despair are pretty good motivators.
In my own case, I've been a Christian most of my life, and an addict most of my life. I've prayed and fasted and repented and asked for God's grace and done everything I thought my church was asking, and I've gone on sinning sexually again and again and again. Despite all my efforts - and I think they were real efforts - to turn my life over to Christ, I never managed to trust enough until enough decades of failure to fight my addiction completely humbled me. No doubt I wasn't a very good Christian, but I was really trying, and it didn't make me better in my addiction.
Finally I reached a point of real desperation - isolated from God, from my family, from myself, and contemplating suicide. And at that point, Christ spoke to me through the Steps. The Steps helped me to see how much I had always held back from God, how much I had tried to be in control, how much I had believed intellectually without really being willing to trust the Living God. The examples of ordinary people with ordinary lives really giving it all up to God - or to a higher power - and finding recovery gave me a hope I had never had before. And with the Program as a framework, I was able at last to start forming a real relationship with Christ, and to start addressing my faults, and to start recovering from my addiction.
So I'm not here to advocate abandoning Christian faith, or taking up doorknob worship, or whatever. My higher power is Christ. But for me, the desperation of addiction and the hope and fellowship offered by 12-step fellowships was the way I was brought to begin - in a halting and stumbling way - to start at last really to let God be God. So in my life, I've needed Christ, and I've needed the Steps, and I have them together, and I'm not giving either up.
If someone else's experience is not mine, more power to you. I wish I had not needed 35 years of addiction to bring me to faith. Better people than I find God in better ways. For me, though, this was the teacher I needed, and the blessing I received.
Sorry, that got very long. Again, I'm not interested in a theoretical argument, but since you asked me to share my experience, I've tried to do so. Perhaps if we want to continue this discussion (something I am not totally eager to do) we ought to move it to a separate thread, out of searching1's space?
Tim M.
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Sqeaky Wheel
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Posted: Mon Nov 7th, 2005 02:42 am |
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Tim
I was going to SA meetings while locked up, and the "one in charge" made that comment due to the fact that he wasn't a Christian, now your new in a group that is to help you understand your addiction, and you hear the higher power comment, would you have second thoughts.
I have nothing against 12 step programs, I am 25+ years sober through AA, with half of that being a Christian, so yes I know God is my higher power, but what about someone who doesn't know God?
Have a great day
____________________
God's Blessing to you
Dave
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captivated
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Posted: Tue Nov 8th, 2005 02:47 pm |
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searching1,
I just wanted to check on you and see how you're doing. Any updates? Have you been able to find any local support groups or anything? You have been prayed for.
captivated
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searching1
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Posted: Tue Nov 8th, 2005 10:50 pm |
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Thanks Captivated,
I don't have time to chat right now, but I'm good. Thanks for the prayer and concern.
God Bless
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