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Hawkeye
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 05:32 am |
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Hello all,
Some of you regulars may remember some of my posts, but allow me to offer a brief recap. February 23rd 2007 was the last day that I've looked at porn. Now, one month may not seem like very long to some, but to me, it's huge. From that day I've been working with a godly accountability partner who really does, go figure, keep me accountable. It's great! I just finished reading "Every Man's Battle" per some BG members suggestions, and ate it up. For the first time in my 10 year struggle I have hope. I have a battle plan! Huraa! Covenant eyes has also been very helpful in keeping me faithful.
All that said, I've just finished writting a 3 page letter which I intend to read to my wife tuesday night, detailing what I've done, some of the past, and my battle plan on how God will lead me into a porn-free life. She has no idea that this is coming, so this is going to be an emotional, potentially angering, night for her, however, I know that I MUST tell her for my recovery and the healing of our marriage.
Please pray that God would rein so supreme in our home tuesday night! I expect the worst save for her throwing me out, but maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea given my addiction. :-\ I plan on fasting the day that I tell her, but it couldn't hurt any to have you all praying as well.
What makes this particulerly difficult is I've already confessed this to her twice before, but never fully "come clean". Pray that she'll have faith in me when my past says that I'll simply fail and hurt her again one day. Pray that God's love and grace would be so strong that you could cut it with a knife. Pray that somehow, someway, He will be preparing her heart for what is to come. It pains me to think of how this will hurt her, but the fact of the matter is, I've been hurting her for years, she just didn't know where it was coming from.
Thank you all!
- Roy
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TimM
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 11:51 am |
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Roy,
You're doing a great and important thing. May God bless you in it.
A small suggestion? In disclosing both to my wife and later to my kids and to some friends, I have been helped by my therapist and my counselor who have encouraged me to look at the disclosure not just as a single event, but as the beginning of a new and continuing openness and conversation. This has been really important to me. It gives me confidence that I don't have to get everything right the first time, and it really is essential to our sobriety that we keep sharing and keep building honest, transparent relationships. You might think about being explicit both to yourself and to your wife that you hope this is the start of regular conversations about your struggle and about other aspects of your life together that have perhaps been ignored in the past. You could talk about how to schedule those, too.
Just a thought. Do well.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 12:48 pm |
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Hi Roy,
As difficult as this will be, in my opinion it is better than being caught. I am praying as per your requests, and for your ability to weather the emotional storm as well. Remember that there is no place for defensiveness. Yes, her venting is likely to be excruciating, but you can endure by God's grace.
Just a suggestion... If you can familiarize yourself enough with the letter that you spend more time making eye contact than looking down at the letter, that might be good. Perhaps you could make a rough outline to refer to. It is good to have the letter, so you don't get flustered and forget something, but you want to try and connect with your wife as much as possible, speaking from your heart. Just my thoughts.
TruthSeeker
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gaylon
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 02:24 pm |
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Roy, praying for you and your wife. One month is a big milestone, which only someone who's been thru the h*ll can understand. Tim's suggestion is correct, in my experience. My wife and I have been talking going on a year and a half, and it's still difficult for both of us. I still find it painful to try and talk. But, it's absolutely necessary for an ongoing recovery. I still feel the "pull" (more some times than others), and if I didn't talk with my wife, I wouldn't last long.
Also, good advice from TruthSeeker, from your wife's perspective. She says
"... try and connect with your wife as much as possible, speaking from your heart...".
This is something that is not natural for most men. Still the whole "connect" idea, that is so natural for my wife, is hard for me to understand. The way I have to look at it is, just say what I'm feeling inside the best I can, and as gently as I can. My wife likes this, and it also gives me a sense of well-being with her. Maybe I'll understand "connect" one of these days...
Best to you both -- it's a hard thing, but will bless you and your marriage, and it seems that women feel much better, in the long run, knowing, than not knowing for sure, but having the female intuition that something is amiss... It's a paradox that still puzzles me, but seems to be a fact of life. God go with you...
--- Gaylon V.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 04:58 pm |
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Hi Gaylon,
One female perspective... Other than those who prefer sticking their heads in the sand, we ladies would generally prefer knowing exactly what is wrong, what is bringing distance and lack of intimacy in our marriages, than just to know that something is wrong. The unknown is very scary; the known may be fixable. We cannot, of course, fix addictions, but we can be supportive, if recovery is sought. The unknown could blow our marriages to smithereens without warning. The unknown could be something WE are or are not doing, but he is too "nice" to tell us. If you were exploring a cave, and your flashlight dimmed and went out, would you rather assume that the flashlight was broken, bumbling around tentatively hoping to find a sliver of light, or would you dig in your backpack to find the batteries you brought along, with hope that you could insert them properly in the dark? With light, you can see the low hanging rocks and precipices, without it each step is taken in fear. Hope this analogy sheds some light on the paradox. :-)
Truthseeker
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guitarist63
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Posted: Mon Mar 26th, 2007 09:29 pm |
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Courage, Roy, Hawkeye, and praying for your D-Day (Tuesday). Don't know how many hours away that is from Greenwich Mean Time but I'll pray tonight. Never had a wife, myself or partner to explain any of the stuff I was getting into. I have found that as I had a relationship with God going back 27 years, it's been a time of realizing the depth of hurt I have caused God. How much I have cried and how heavy my heart has been since last year has been a gauge to me of how much God has felt the pain. I was never one for tears before last November. Far from it. I think 10 years went by without a tear. God's strength, power and presence be with you and especially tomorrow. Reading your letter to your wife, much better than to put it in an envelope and put it some place for her to pick up when you're not around! Well done to keep away from porn for a month! God is with you - His strength, His grace, His lovingkindness and faithfulness will see you through. Stephen
Last edited on Mon Mar 26th, 2007 09:34 pm by guitarist63
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 06:58 pm |
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Hawkeye....
Praying for you....
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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gaylon
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 09:39 pm |
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truthseeker wrote: Hi Gaylon,
One female perspective... With light, you can see the low hanging rocks and precipices, without it each step is taken in fear. Hope this analogy sheds some light on the paradox. :-)
Truthseeker
That makes sense. I just honestly never understood that women felt that way. I guess, though, that I got a taste of it when my wife went to counseling the first time, and I was scared out of my mind that she would decide she didn't want to be with me when she walked out. It took a lot of talking for her to reassure me afterwards (thankfully she wanted to reassure me). And, she reminds me that she often feels the same way, until we've talked for a while... Thx for the insight. -- Gaylon V.
Roy - sorry to sidetrack the thread discussion. Hopefully it will help you out, too. Best luck for tonight... Praying for you both...
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guitarist63
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Posted: Tue Mar 27th, 2007 09:58 pm |
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Roy, hope you did fine and your wife was understanding. I prayed for you as best I can. Hope she believes that you genuinely want to walk away from all the porn and back into her arms for all time. Blessings, Stephen.
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Hawkeye
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Posted: Thu Mar 29th, 2007 02:12 am |
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Hello all!
Thank you all VERY much for your prayers! God truly did answer them all, for when I talked to her last night, she was...understanding! She said that although it wasn't a huge surprise that I was still struggling, it was that I could so easily lie to her without her ever suspecting. I explained EVERYTHING to her the best I could, and she took it all very well considering. I let her know that for the first time I have hope. For the first time I have a battle plan on how to combat my addiction to pornography through "Every Man's Battle". I finally have a plan on what to do and how to do it rather than just confessing and just saying to myself, "now what?" Praise God!!!
I think it helped her to know that I already had one month of being porn free behind me already.
Thanks again everyone!
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TimM
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Posted: Thu Mar 29th, 2007 03:13 am |
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It's too late for us old rural types to say more, but great work, Hawkeye! It's wonderful you are making a new start together.
Tim M.
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 29th, 2007 04:45 am |
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Rejoicing with you also.  TruthSeeker
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guitarist63
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 07:01 pm |
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Hallelujah for the Lord our God the almighty reigns! Very glad to hear your good news, Roy. At an all-night prayer meeting tonight so will pray for you. Thank you Jesus!
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gaylon
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Posted: Fri Mar 30th, 2007 09:02 pm |
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Really glad it went so well. My experience has been that, although the pain of changing and working out things together continues, the love and times of joy is worth it. I'm learning to know my wife in ways I never knew possible.
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Hawkeye
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 06:32 am |
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Guitarist63, Thank you for your thoughts and prayer. I am honored that you would think to pray for me during your prayer meeting. I REALLY appreciate it!
Gaylon, Thank you for your encouragement. I too have found this to be true...Though the truth was hard to admit, once past the first few initial days, I found my eyes being opened to new things about myself and my wife that I didn't expect to see. God truly is answering prayer. Thus far, I've had very little temptation, and when I do face temptation, is seems as though God is right there with me helping to stear me away from it before it enters my mind and starts to get my chemicals raging. :-p
God is soo good! I was driving home from visiting family this evening, and suddenly realized that I didn't have anything to be guilty about! Mind you, I obviously have other areas of my life that I need to surrender too, but dealing with pornography addiction and it's guilt has been such a heavy weight for SO long, it's almost like I've been given a new life! I like it! In fact, I love it! I know I'm not out of the woods yet, and can never EVER let me guard down, yet for once I feel as though I have freedom in Christ. Freedom to finally have a relationship with my saviour, uninhibited by guilt and shame. Praise Jesus!
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guitarist63
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Posted: Sat Mar 31st, 2007 10:50 pm |
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Hallelujah! Praise God, Hawkeye! Effective prayer is the key. We have to believe in Faith that God will answer and God will provide. Continuing to pray for you. Sobriety, as it is so often called, is not enough, as Mike Genung rightly states in one of his excellent articles on this website. Your heart has to be changed and only God can do that. If you are open to God to change your heart and to receive his Holy Spirit daily and continue to seek His strength to overcome the sin, He will accomplish it in you! It's going to take a lot of effort. Remember, Peter did walk on the water towards Christ, and when he took his eyes off the Lord, he sank beneath the giant waves that must have been whipped up at that time. Just imagine the pits and troughs in those waves! Yet the Lord will pick you up when you fall. Right now He's really thrilled that you've shown faith. It's one of the most precious gifts that God can bestow. See 1 Corinthians, Chapter 12, verse 1-9, "Now concerning spiritual gifts, brethren, I do not want you to be unaware. V.2 You know that when you were pagans, you were led astray to the dumb idols, however you were led. V.3 Therefore I make known to you, that no one speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus is accursed"; and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit. V.4 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit. V.5 And there are varieties of ministries, and the same Lord. V.6 And there are varieties of effects, but the same God who works all things in all persons. V.7 But to each one is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good. V.8 For to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, and to another the word of knowledge according to the same Spirit; V.9 and to another faith by the same Spirit, and to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit..."
I encourage you to seek God daily and to desire the spiritual gifts described in 1 Cor. 12. They will be powerful tools to bring glory to God. They will also bless you and draw you closer to God. Seek also to be daily filled with his love, which you'll find in 1 Corinthians, Chapter 13. God's love conquers all. Ch.13 verse 13, "But now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."
Blessings in Christ, Stephen.
Last edited on Sat Mar 31st, 2007 10:53 pm by guitarist63
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