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Kendra
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| Joined: | Sat Oct 1st, 2005 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 2nd, 2005 05:56 am |
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| I am a broken women. Same as every other one, my dad wasn't emotionally connected to me. He has really taken accountability for that during my recent struggles though. My moms brother committed suicide when I was 12, and she was lost in a drunken haze for 4 years. Dad handled it by being gone, and I had to handle too much for a young girl. People tell me it's normal, but my brother asked me to have sex with him when I was 14. He would walk in on me when I was in the bathtub. He was mean and abusive, and my folks never stopped it. I didn't have sex with my brother, and he only asked once, but I am still upset about it, and I'm 43 years old. I started having sex when I was 16, got pregnant and had an abortion. I never told my parents. When I was 18 I married an abusive man to get away from home, and ended up divorced with a child when I was 21. I turned to men in the wrong way, just wanting someone to finally love me, only to be used over and over. I didn't know how to stop it. When I was 23 I got involved with a married man. That torture lasted 5 year, until he divorced her and married me...yeah, your right, he did the same thing to me, the whole time he was accusing me every week of cheating on him if I didn't give him sex every day. We have been divorced 8 years now. I keep reliving the nightmares over and over again with men. I am very pretty, I get a lot of attention, and it's from these sex addict men who are enticing. Last year I met this very sweet loving man. He promised me he would help heal me. He tells me how much I am worth loving. He says he would never cheat, lie or intentionally hurt me. Last month I found a porn site on his computer. I have been devestated by it. He said he has done it for years, and he doesn't consider it cheating. However, he sure had kept that little tid-bit of information a secret from me. All the pain from men I have ever been through has boiled up in me again, and the other night, while we were 300 miles from home, I got drunk, got into a fight with him, and he let me leave in the middle of the night, drunk, to find my way back home with only 200 dollars cash. Why am I sitting here feeling guilty for saying mean hateful things when I was drunk? His 20 year old daughter moved back in with him 5 months ago, and with her came a 20 year old girlfiend who walkes around his house with her breasts bulging over her top and her tummy showing because her pants hang down to her pubic line, and he tells me I don't have the right to question if he is attracted to her. Her dad died several years ago, why wouldn't I question her intentions, and why he felt it was okay for this sexy young women to be at his house all the time? Oh and by the way, we were with his porn loving buddies at a Harley rally, and I'm sure that they have been having a great time without me at the bikini contest. Why do I even try? Last edited on Sun Oct 2nd, 2005 06:02 am by Kendra
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imnotalone
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| Joined: | Wed Oct 5th, 2005 |
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Posted: Wed Oct 5th, 2005 07:12 pm |
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Hi Kendra
I read your post, and i am learning that the only person that can love me this way is God and that is because there is no limits or conditions on his love. And we start to look for it in men, or anybody who will make us feel of value.
Despite my imperfections and mistakes God loves me anyway. That Love is powerful enought to heal all your pains and hurts and change you from the inside out. Pray for your Dad and it is good he is taken some ownership, and continue to work on yourself. This is a very powerful addiction, so im learning when i don't keep accountability with someone, is when i become prone to wonder.
I know that God can take something that the Devil meant for bad and make it good, by allowing my experiences to help others who may struggle with this. You are not alone, because i am not. Hope to hear from you and praying for you!
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