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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | Maine USA |
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 04:49 am |
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Hello all... Truthseeker I was going to send you a private email but felt led to share my heart here. I kinda just want to share what these past few months have been like for me. Hopefully someone can relate and be encouraged.
If you've read my story I've had a life of abuse and have struggled with porn/masturbation since I was 9 years old... Since I've been saved (27 years ago)I never physically acted out with an another person or had an affair... I did in my mind and in my heart... but even as a Christian I continued struggling (now I understand and can call it sexual addiction). As I grew in the Lord the battles and temptations became fewer and farther between but they returned none-the-less... I'm just about completing three years of counseling... I've been honest about my abortions, my child sexual abuse and my rape...
But up until this past December I had never shared about my porn/masturbation struggle... I take that back... I did briefly through my child abuse counseling, but we spoke of it as an issue from yesterday and my not being honest about the struggle still going on today.. and I did share one time about 15 years ago... It was only out of obedience to the Lord... I was struggling and failing... I prayed and the Lord clearly spoke to my heart to tell one of the ladies I knew at church... I trusted her... I said "no way God"... and sarcastically I prayed, "you have to give me a scripture for that one..." and He did... in James 5:14 I believe it says to "confess your faults one to another that you may be healed"... I obeyed, in fear and trembling... what a humbling moment for me... but a freeing one also... When you finally bring something to the light it no longer has a complete grip on you... the enemy hates the Light of Truth... But there was never any follow-up or accountability... and life went on... I had seasons of struggles and failures...
This past year (2006) I came across, no honestly and humbly I admit, I looked for porn on the internet. I needed my fix I guess... Plenty to be found... the sad reality in porn online is how easy it is to access... I ask myself how many kids just click on this thing and are exposed to the vilest of perversions. God help us...
Remember God has brought me through 3 years of working on some painful issues... I think God has a seperate planet for all my bottled tears.. ... So, so difficult... the hardest thing I've ever done in my life... But I'm here, I've faced it all and I've survived and I've won... In Jesus Name I've won... But something scared me in this most recent season of failure... the only issue left from my past that really hadn't been dealt with yet... not to the point of healing and deliverance... This past December my online counselor sensed something out of focus, my preoccupation with sex... being so demanding of it in my marriage... I could never get enough... and if I couldn't get it I would take care of myself... in anger and rebellion...
But what scared me was the fact that what I was viewing online and what I was doing wasn't enough... I've since read that you eventually need a bigger high... I was tempted to spend finances on web sites, I thought of actually chatting with someone for the wrong reasons, I fantisized being with someone else other than my husband, I thought "could I actually do this"... (I never actually did) but I did in my mind... I took a sexual addiction test... and I was shocked!!! This was actually an issue for ME... I emailed my test to my counselor online and mailed it to my counselor here in town... I mailed it because I felt so, so shamed to admit this and talk about it... that is how I chose to break the ice and prepare for my next meeting... I wanted some help, I really did...
My online counselor suggested abstinence for a while, to speak with my husband about no sex for a while, (and I had already shared "some" of these struggles with my husband gradually through my three years of counseling) She suggested no sex at all with him, nor with myself... that first few weeks to a month was most difficult... It is then I realized the control this had on me.. I couldn't get it out of my head or my body at all, I felt like I would go crazy... I was shocked at how this "drug of choice" of mine had a grip on me... I've heard some on the website speak of "withdrawal"... this is real!! you really experience withdrawal... and honestly I have failed a few times... I have not yet been able to get through a full 30 days... I'm disappointed in that but all I can do is keep trying...
I am back up to day 8... I have had a wonderful week... one of the first weeks since December in that I was not thinking about sex at all... I guess now that sex isn't getting my undivided attention I can expend my energy on other things... healthy alternatives... abstaining has taught me to recognize the times and reasons I would act out... anger, lonliness, stress, just being overwhelmed with life sometimes, desires being out of control, temptations... but the most important being the emotional reasons I would go there... and now I'm learning to face the feelings and try to deal with them in healthier ways... so yes, I am proud that I have made progress...
Today has been a very, very difficult day for me... maybe I wrote all of this for my own encouragement... I'm asking for prayer... I need His strength to get through my weaknesses... and today I've chosen to take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.. Today it's a battle... Yesterday I posted a couple of replies to encourage others... it would be just like the enemy to have a fit and throw his firy darts my way... But I can say I end this day in victory... I Praise God for that...
I think I needed to make myself accountable and honest and open and humbly ask for prayer... thank you for listening... Diane
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truthseeker
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| Joined: | Tue May 16th, 2006 |
| Location: | New Jersey USA |
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 10:19 am |
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Hi Diane,
I praise God for all victories. Yes, Satan is all too willing to attack as we slip an area of our lives out of his grasp and yield it to Christ. He isn't happy if we become believers, but he will wage all out war if he thinks that there is a chance we will be effectual for the kingdom.
Continuing to pray...
TruthSeeker
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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
| Location: | Maine USA |
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 03:36 pm |
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Goodmorning Truthseeker,
Thanks for the prayers... that is one thing I know I can covet...your prayers  ..
I realize, understand and respect the power of the enemy... and being the defeated foe the he is, if we don't allow him any breathing room that is... I feel the biggest battle most times is "self"... It is a daily dieing that we have to do... It is a moment by moment choice of deciding to do what's right no matter what we "feel"... The completed work of Calvary's Cross and His glorious resurrection tell me the victories are mine to have... To meet the conditions of His promises... obedience and love... Then we are more than conquorers... It feels good to have my mind on things above this morning... ...
I remember when I was about done my counseling I had written some songs... I wrote one about my abortions and the chorus says this... You can apply this to any pain in your life...
"Don't let this pain, be all in vain... I will tell all just one soul to gain... about Your love Lord, Your mercy and Your grace... Touch every hurt Lord found in this place"...
Written from the perspective of speaking with an audience of the healing God has done in my life... and as a prayer for those listening that are still hurting in silence for so much fear....
It has been my prayer... "Lord if you open a door to share, I will go through it"... He has done that several times this past year... I've spoken to christian women's groups... at a Crisis Pregnancy Banquet... On public radio... I've shared my testimony in my home church... I've been there 20 years... their worship leader for 15... and now they heard a part of my life I've kept to myself... oh but the people that responded to prayer for painful issues in their lives... I cried for weeks... God did something in my heart that day...
Last November I was asked to share my testimony to a group of young adults 17 - 24 years of age... a Job Corps program for disadvantaged youth to provide them vocational training... a majority of them probably not christians... they came from all kinds of backgrounds, ethnic groups, religions, male & female... It was a three day program dealing with life choices they make and the possible consequences of those choices... I was invited to be a part of the program...
Whenever I shared I usually had everything written out for being so nervous... but for the first time, I spoke with those young adults, I got lost in my notes and simply put them down and shared my story from the heart... I found a new found freedom in sharing that day... I felt comfortable in being so honest and so open... these kids are hearing this stuff in the streets and home anyway... so I was fairly blunt with them... I met them at their level... I was told afterwards that, that was the most attentive this group of 50 young people were... I shared more than I had originally planned, felt at peace to do so but didn't understand why... until after... there was a young lady in that audience that spoke to me afterwards... carbon copy lives except 20 years apart... I was in the army, stationed at Fort Bliss TX being the worst year of my life... guess where she just came from... Fort Bliss, TX... It was all God... So I've been emailing this young lady ever since... sad to say I believe she aborted her child... I have peace in my heart that I shared all the truth I could share with her... she hasn't emailed me in a while... I'm hoping & praying for the doors of communication to stay open... Her name is Danielle...
Anyway, I said all that to say this, I received a call two days ago and have been asked to once again share my story to a new group of 50 young adults... It was short notice because another woman that was scheduled simply could not make it. I've never had this short notice... All I can do to prepare is pray and ask God to lay on my heart the direction He would have me go... There is so much I could share... But I know the importance of sharing what's needed for the moment... Needing God's annointing... God knows the hearts that will be there... He knows where every single person is at in there lives... I just take that responsibility so seriously...
So, please anybody reading this, please pray... For God's annointing and to prepare their hearts to hear Truth that can set them free, to give them hope that there really is a remedy for the hurt and pain in this world... His name is Jesus Christ... I'll be speaking on Tuesday, March 20 at 10:30 a.m. U.S. Eastern time...
I've spoken publicly of child sexual abuse, abortions and rape... but now this issue of sexual addiction... I never have... I need God's wisdom for the moment... do I or don't I?? what do I share, how much do I share... I have to trust God will put this together also... I spend alot of time on my knees... listening... and interceding for these young adults... but I am nervous...
Thanks, Diane
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forthelord33
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 03:48 pm |
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Diane,
You are in my prayers. The kids are in my prayes. I pray right now that the Lord will warm your heart and lift you up such that your testimony will just envelop those kids in the grace and mercy of Jesus. If any of the kids are from Southern Maine, you can direct them to this event.
http://www.unitemaine.org/
God Bless,
Marc
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Diane
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 04:14 pm |
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Marc, thank you for the prayers... your reply so warmed and encouraged my heart... I checked out that website... awesome... thanks for sharing that... I'll keep you posted.
In His Love and proud to say your sister in Christ... Diane
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forthelord33
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 04:34 pm |
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Thanks,
I work with kids and families on a regular basis. I am also 5 months clean from many, many years of using prostitutes and committing adultery. My wife and I have been separated but she has shown great mercy to me. We have been spending much time together and it's an unbelievable blessing. She is an amazing woman and the Lord wants nothing but the best for me and my family. I have not told the kids/families that I work with about my sex addiction. But, now that the lord has pulled the veil from my eyes, I can usually spot another sex addict from a mile away and intervene on a level appropriate for the situation.
Carry on in the name of Jesus,
Marc
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