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seekinghealing
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 05:53 am |
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| Just wanted to say hi. I am just starting a process a healing after realizing I am addicted to viewing pornography and sex in general. I was exposed to porn at a young age, often acted out what I saw, was molested, suffered through bullying at school. My dad drank too much and didn't treat my mom too well. She left him and we (my two sisters and I) moved in with my grandmother. She drank also, as alcoholism runs on both sides of my family. She was very strict, mean, and abusive. My mother didn't emotionally connect with us. I remember feeling like I grew up in a very dysfunctional, chaotic home. Teachers at school would notice things about me, including a time I did something inappropriate with other kids. The response was to make me apologize in front of the whole class. This further added to my pain. I was very quiet and only shut down more. My uncle gave me my first taste of alcohol when I was around eight years old. I was hooked. I took alcohol to school with me. In high school, I became more angry and rebellious. My sister had become bipolar and very abusive to me. One night she physically hurt me and I attacked her back with a weapon. She ended up in a hospital. I ended up on the psych floor. My sister didn't press charges and I refused to speak, so they simply let me go. I had been "dating" an older guy who wanted our relationship to go further. By the grace of God, I guess I told him I wasn't ready, and he backed off. There was so much tension in my life at that point, I had to turn somewhere. My mom tried to take me to counseling, but of course I didn't talk. This only made me more angry, because everyone painted me as the "messed up" one, even though I knew nothing was my fault. My family was Catholic, but even though I felt God was real, I saw my family leave church without any change happening to them. I didn't believe in God's power, but at that point in my life, I needed something. I went into a church and I prayed and told God I couldn't do it anymore. I needed him to take over, because I was at the end of my rope. I was angry, I hated everyone, I was depressed, but after that prayer I felt God take all of my burdens and there was a tremendous peace around me. I was literally a new person and it was noticeable to everyone. I was now kind, and peaceful, and joyful. This relationship with the Lord will be with me always, but life and its problems were still there. I wanted more than anything to leave that house. I went to college and in my newfound "freedom" ended up drinking more heavily than ever before to the point of blacking out and having others fill me in on what I did all night, never knowing fully if I could trust their stories. I had one short-term relationship after another, if you can call some of them relationships. I put myself in so many bad situations, kissing men engaged to other women, drinking too much at a party and finding a man on top of me. During summers when we had to move out of the dorms, I had no where else to go except back home. By this time, my mom had moved out and abandoned my little sister to be with a man. My grandmother didn't treat me well, wouldn't let me eat her food because I was in school and not working and didn't help pay for it, even though my family put exteme pressure on me to be successful (even though they frequently called me stupid). I started seeing a man 8 years older than me and ended up losing my virginity to him. I knew he was just using me. I guess I used him as well. I needed a safe, healthy place to stay where someone actually cared about me or at least pretended to. I didn't realize that at the time of course. Looking back, I am surprised that was the only time I slept with a man. I guess I did everything but...God was always protecting me even when I pushed him away. I was so distraught over that experience, I reached a very low point, and thankfully chose to turn to God again. I felt so ashamed. I started over-dressing instead of under-dressing, wearing sweaters in 80-degree weather. I never wanted another man to look at me. I hated men. All of them....After college, my support system disappeared. Friends were there long-distance, but none close by. I had given up drinking, but the lure of it never went away. I started taking a lot of prescriptions, I was addicted to comfort foods, especially chocolate. (It can be as addictive as cocaine I've read on some sites). I didn't want to drink, so I simply found new things to be addicted to-one being online pornography. It was safe, not hurting anyone I thought, no one had to know about it. I felt it was a healthier way to deal with my problems. I hadn't dated much, though once at one job, a man had "lent" me $1500 for my car and when we were to go out with a couple of other friends for lunch, for some reason the others couldn't make it and we ended up alone. He turned it into a date. Even though I didn't really want him, I felt like I was obligated to go out with him, since he had "lent" me the money and was so nice to me. Even though I hated men and had experienced so much in my life, I still trusted people sometimes and wanted to believe the best. I was living with a girlfriend and guyfriend at the time, and when they saw him with me, they told me he was only out for bad. Did I mention he was 12 years older than I? I resisted him when he tried to kiss me and I guess he figured out he couldn't "trick" me into sleeping with him, so he quit pursuing it. Had my friends not been there I probably would have given in. In the years that followed all my friends moved away and I fell in love with a younger friend of mine. We worked together so we couldn't date until he quit that job, but when we started dating, I was very aggressive with him and we slept together very quickly. He was surprised I was so "easy". I guess I only let my guard down when I fell in love with a guy or needed a place to stay. At this time, I was watching porn more often. Maybe that contributed. I would send him porn links. I had him ask me one day about a rash he had and he never accused me of anything, but I felt my chances of having a std were low, since i had only been with one other man and we always used protection, but now I was considering the possibility that this man gave me something. This man turned out not to be the sweet guy i thought he was. He frequented strip clubs, his friends would make degrading comments about me and he wouldn't defend me at all, he ended up cheating on me, but I still stayed with him. He eventually let me go. I was so hurt. I honestly at the time couldn't understand why he didn't want to be with me. But I felt God telling me to let him go and start praying. So I did. I prayed for my husband to come along, a man who would be kind and respectful, who loved the Lord, who did right. About nine months ago I met him and instantly felt he was my answer. But our relationship is long-distance (he is not an American citizen). We started off good, but now we are at a difficult place. There are sometimes "red flags" and I wonder if he really is a good guy. I think I am simply projecting my past onto him. My porn addiction actually worsened during our relationship, instead of improving. The first time we stayed together, he was going to sleep in a separate room (this is the kind of good guy he is). I was like "you are?". I told him it was okay to stay with me. He wanted to "make love". I told him I was afraid that if we did he wouldn't want to ever marry me. I don't think he understood that. I think he thought I was a virgin, as I thought he was as well. This is how we were presented to one another by the people who introduced us to each other. We ended up sleeping together. This was the first time I actually felt like it was love-making rather than just sex. He obviously now knew I wasn't a virgin, but still he stayed with me. But our time together flew by. He had to leave the country. We talked on the phone, but the distance was very difficult for me. To experience such love and then have it be gone, well I guess I became addicted to physically being with him and when he wasn't there for months, I had to fill that void with something else. It is at this point where I am realizing I have a problem. My addictions are beginning to affect me at work and everyone knows there is something wrong with me. I am very depressed and highly anxious even though I have a good job and a good man. I cannot quit looking at ever-increasingly graphic images and movies online. My blessed relationship from God is being ruined by me and I am turning my good man into a bad one. I am again craving the alcohol that I haven't touched in 8 years. And for the first time, I am actually wondering if I will choose to turn to the Lord or something else. I am financially troubled and I think how easy it would be to sleep with a man once for money. My boyfriend wouldn't have to know. I know I should be reading God's word and start going to church, but I can't bring myself to do it. I feel like I am too sinful and ashamed to walk into there. I will only be judged and I can't handle that. I want to go to counseling, but the lack of time and money are a problem. If I take off time from work, everyone will know I have a problem and I can't deal with that. This is where I am now. I know this was long and its not even my whole story, but I felt I really needed to get all that out. I am still confused and hurt and angry and depressed and need to make a good decision about what to do next in life, before I lose the man I love and a good job. Thanks for reading..
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truthseeker
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 05:27 pm |
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Hi Seekinghealing,
We are all sinners. You are no more or less forgiveable than i am. God's Word promises us that when we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. I suggest Psalms 51, David's prayer of confession, which draws toward its close in verse 17 with "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." It certainly sounds to me like your heart is contrite. It would be most damaging to your enemy the devil if you would struggle to read your Bible, but I would also suggest playing a lot of praise and worship music. I don't usually go for large churches for finding fellowship as a body of Christ, but one might be a good starting point to blend in with a crowd where you will not be readily noticed as a visitor. This would put you under the teaching of the Word. Any conviction would come from the Holy Spirit through the Word, not human judgment. A large church may also have some economic counselling opportunities. On the other hand, it sounds like you are very isolated, not connected with close female friends. This isolation, as I'm sure you know, feeds your addiction. Please consider ways in which you can get involved in activities other than your job, and connect with other women with whom you may develop friendships.
Praying for you...
TruthSeeker
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Suzi
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Posted: Mon Mar 5th, 2007 06:02 pm |
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My heart goes out to you.
Yes, please get into God's word... I highly suggest the Psalms and Proverbs... it's easy to be able to grab a thought that will get you through your next decision, your next step. Sometimes people avoid going to God's word because it is SO BIG!!! And don't know where to begin. But if you truly have a heart searching for God's peace, the Psalms are awesome. I make it a practice to write out a few verses from Psalms every day. It's amazing to me how often a simple phrase, sometimes even a word!, will speak to my heart and give me the strength I need for today.
... and pray!!! God's hears the desperate plea from your heart. Please hang onto the fact, the truth!, that God loves you!! YOU!!!
Pray for wisdom.
Pray for strength.
Pray for a spritual mentor who will help you navigate these shark infested waters you are experiencing right now.
Meanwhile, please know I will be praying for you! As are many others here.
God bless you.... Receive HIS grace and mercy... He is the ultimate creator/provider.
Suzi
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Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 05:22 am |
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| Thank you for the kind words, prayers, and advice. I will make reading the bible a priority, at least for a few minutes a day. I can do that. I am trying to listen to the Christian music stations more often, especially the spoken word ones. There are bigger churches I can go to and I may do that soon. I also want to redecorate my room with scripture verses, so they are a constant reminder. I want to pray and be humble before God and just "let it all out" but I am afraid to do that without a close friend or counselor to fall back on. I am wearing a mask now and burying feelings, which I know is not healthy, but if I face my emotions I feel I will just run to my addictions more, so I am waiting until I have some support first. In the past, I have always turned to the Lord and he is the best counselor, but I have realized now that I have to speak to other people about it, because the Lord can heal the pain, but I still don't feel like I have really dealt with things because they keep coming back to haunt me in life. Does that make sense? I think I have forgiven, but I have not forgotten or "set my mind straight". One day I hope this will all go away, so I can finally start living and enjoying life. Thank you...
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 08:41 am |
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Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.
from Psalm 51. This verse really touched me. I need a clean heart and renewal and to know that the Lord hasn't taken his spirit from me. One day I want to be on fire for HIM again instead of for worldly things.
Take care...
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Suzi
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Posted: Tue Mar 6th, 2007 04:09 pm |
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Seekinghealing,
Healing is a process...
You don't recover from surgery in a day.
And be prepared for good days and bad days. Know the enemy has a plan to defeat you and be ready and willing to continue the warfare through his attacks on you.
God is greater.. He is faithful... loving... forgiving.
Sounds like you are headed in the right direction. Just remember, it's not a sprint.. it's a marathon!
Hugs!
Suzi
____________________
Psa 107:20 He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.
Luke 6:46 And why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?
Psa 119:37 Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way.
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Diane
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Posted: Sat Mar 17th, 2007 04:04 pm |
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| Hello Seekinghealing, I praise God you've had the courage to just open up and talk. What a "huge" step you've taken. I've only been on this site a month or so and I'm so impressed at the sincerity of hearts I see here... both women and men. I encourage you to keep coming, reading, asking, learning... I feel the sex you've had with older men is your hearts cry for a father's love... I could relate to alot what you've written... relationships are so difficult cause we just didn't have the tools and skills to have healthy relationships... we were never taught... we didn't have Godly examples, healthy examples. Deprived of the nurturing, affection, comfort and safety that every human heart craves... to be loved and accepted... to know we have value and worth... it all just leaves us empty... I so understand your battles... but consider the advice you've been given... seek out a counselor if you can... pray about it... for the right counselor that could best minister to your needs and then watch what God does. I'll be praying for you... There was a woman named Nancy, came to speak to our church from a Crisis Pregnancy Center... she ministered to my heart at the time, having had two abortions myself.. I remember sitting in the pew praying "Lord that is one woman I would like to talk to"... but I never followed through for fear... FIVE YEARS LATER in 2004 I hit bottom... depressed, angry, crying all the time, losing control... I asked my pastor to help me find a counselor... I needed some help... guess who he found... NANCY... she had gone back to school and became a liscensed counselor... and what a God send she was... she helped for the first two years with my abortions and child sexual abuse... after all that was done I began getting flashbacks for the rape I had... I almost lost it again... Nancy was too booked up to help... but God worked it out for a counselor, a psychologist right here in town... and after I started seeing her I found out her major was dealing with women and sexual trauma... I did not know that ahead of time... So you see God is so, so faithful to put the right people in your path... I'm trusting Him for that, for you... I hope you are taking the steps to get help... I have been blessed with sisters in the Lord that have ministered to me greatly dealing and facing my abortions, child sexual abuse and rape... but the sexual addiction I've had a difficult time sharing that... I so fear being misunderstood... I've talked only to my counselor and one other counselor I found online... and my husband ofcourse... (I feel now that is exactly how God wanted it.. I needed to communicate with my husband more than anybody else) as for the counselor online... God put that one together also... I had sent a question to her... and her first response was "Only Jesus can meet the deepest need of your heart"... that got my attention... and I began to speak with her... now we are friends... God has been so, so faithful... He is truely a rewarder of those that diligently seek him... I know you have many questions... The Bible says to pray for wisdom and also for "understanding"... He commands us to "get understanding" that has been my hearts cry these past 3 years of counseling... I want to understand why I am the way I am... God has been so, so faithful, I just can't say that enough... He will give you that understanding as you seek Him with all your heart... It's His kindness that leads us to repentance... His love covers a multitude of sins... He wants to set you free... and show you what real love is... what relationship is all about... When He becomes your "first" love... your most important relationship... all the others will fall in place. If you would like I can send you the website that I found that counselor on... just let me know... Know you are in my prayers... keep posting... keep asking questions... and even when you fail... keep coming... that's when you need the help and support the most... You are always loved... In Christ Love, Diane
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Sun Mar 18th, 2007 01:43 pm |
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Suzi-I wish sometimes it would all just go away. It is depressing to me to think that these things will bother me for years. I am a very type-A kind of personality and am doing nothing with my life and I hate that. I try not to be so hard on myself and just breathe and be grateful for that but its difficult...I am definitely having bad days this week. People at work ask me why I haven't gotten a better job or gone back to school. They don't understand how difficult it is to hold myself together enough to even show up at work...thanks for reminding me that it is a process. I know that just making it through another day is a blessing and things do overall get better over time. Every time I fall, it doesn't seem quite as bad as times in the past. That is good...
Diane-It is good to let go of things and talk about it. I think this is a first step for me because it is still anonymous, feels safer, as I have yet to talk to a counselor or any close friends. None of my friends live close by and its not the kind of thing I would discuss in a phone call. I cannot talk to family because there are so many secrets there and it would just stir up emotions and cause more difficulities. I can only deal with so much at a time..I have definitely realized that about the older men. I never thought about it much. I just used to think that they seemed more mature and I was attracted to that. Never really thought about why though. My dad has come back into my life now and it is weird-we just have very basic conversations, but he has changed for the better, so it provides some hope that I may be able to learn from him now. One day I hope to discuss things with him, but sometimes I think its better to just let it go. My current boyfriend is only a few years older than me and I think that is good. We have more stability than I have had in past relationships. I haven't yet really opened up to him, but I have told him that I have a few secrets and that I hope he can be patient with me. He is...
I have always turned to the Lord as my Father, but have been distant from him lately, which is why I am struggling more than usual, I think. Being in a relationship too has triggered a lot for me. When it is just me, I can keep my mask on pretty well, but when I actually have to connect with another human being and be open and honest and intimate, especially sexually, well that just brings back all kinds of ugliness I don't want to remember. You are right that I never learned to deal with things normally. I respond in a post-traumatic way with anger outbursts and depression and addictive habits, instead of thinking rationally and adjusting like "normal" people can. This is the thing I have tried to learn on my own throughout life just by observing others and such, but I think sometimes I get too wrapped up in my own problems and I need an objective opinion. I need to be humble and realize that I cannot do it all on my own and that that's ok.
I am used to believing the ugly things about me. I am used to living in fear. Any true freedom I have ever felt has been false freedom or fleeting. Even when close to the Lord, I still suffered and it was obvious to others that something was wrong with me. I didn't have the normal self-esteem others had. I didn't communicate well or at all......I wish sometimes I could trade my brain in for a new one... But all that I have experienced has made me stronger and wiser and has made me appreciate the good things in life, the simple things, to see people for how they really are, to be compassionate. I am grateful for those things.
About counseling, I still have yet to make a single phone call. I just wake in the morning, rush to go to work, and its not the kind of phone call I want to make from work. I am not sure if I need a counselor that is Christian. I think probably not, that they would respect my views on my faith...I am just making excuses I feel. I need to just go, even if its to a free place, and trust that the Lord will make something of it. That is interesting to read about how you met Nancy again after so many years. God does work like that. We are all tied together in the Lord.
Something I struggle with, too, is thinking that the things I went through were not "bad enough" to warrant all this depression and everything. I hear so many other peoples stories that seem like they have been through much worse. I have opened up to friends in the past about a few things and they tell me to just "get over it". I guess if they knew my whole story they wouldn't have said that, but I feel sometimes like I shouldn't still be struggling with these things. I don't know. I feel so "messed up in the head" sometimes I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I just want to run away... I want to understand why I am this way too. I do pray for wisdom and I pray for God to make things clear for me and work out a path for me, to make it all work for good, to make this all worth something. One good thing is that I have been one of the first in my family that is realizing the problems, dealing with them, and breaking the cycle of abuse and addiction that has plagued many generations. My siblings don't like to talk about it much, but they are doing the same. None of us have had children yet and we are waiting until we know we can be better parents. I guess that is one good thing. Seeing family truly turn to the Lord is a blessing also. It gives me hope that "this too shall pass" and there are brighter days ahead.
Feel free to send me the website you found a counselor on. I have a few places in mind. One that specializes in sex addiction, one that I know is free, and a name my doctor gave me.
I will try to keep in touch. This site and others have been a great support to me. I do feel love here, no judgement, only grace. It gives me hope that I will find that in the "real" world too.
Thank you.
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Diane
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 03:53 am |
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Hello seekinghealing... I have been re-reading your posts... I've printed them out and going over it carefully... there is alot in there... I'm amazed at the similarities of our lives... I can so relate to all the issues you've dealt with...
Can I ask you a few questions?? how old are you now? how young were you when you were molested? Would you feel comfortable sharing some of that with me... If not here you can send me a private message... If you read my post on March 2 you can get a brief idea of my story... I focused more on the SA I've struggled with in that post...
But I have learned that sexual addiction is an issue with about 95% of woman that have experienced sexual abuse and/or trauma or neglect as a child... but here are a few thoughts I can make quickly with some of what you've written...
I believe your anger and depression are rooted in things that went on in your childhood... a good counselor can gently walk through those issues with you... and when the emotions, like anger, hurt, and tears come up you have a safe place to express those things... and as you've said in your post... you have an objective person with you to help you sort out thoughts and feelings and put everything in a proper and healthy perspective...
I don't recommend you talk to your friends... you need to find a spiritually mature women... as for a counselor it would be better to find someone who deals with childhood sexual abuse and trauma and sexual addiction... advice that says "get over it" is not the kind of people you can feel safe with... that is totally lacking in compassion and maturity... I liked Truthseekers idea of a larger church that might offer counseling services or provide the financial help for you... I do believe God has a plan for you.... I do believe as you seek His face diligently you will find Him... He promises in His Word that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him... Pray and expect to hear from Him one way or another, in church, in a song, in the Word, through an email... He will use anything to speak to your heart... obey Him... He will ALWAYS bless obedience...
I understand very well your need to talk to someone face to face, that these are issues you don't want to talk about over the phone... that is because... these people have to earn our trust... we have to look in their faces and see that they care, are concerned, compassionate, love enough to hear so much pain, sin and failure without judgement... in other words we need a safe place...
because one of our biggest "fears" is a fear of being misunderstood, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment... "If they knew this or that about me they wouldn't love me"... that is what we think...
With child sexual abuse we put up walls of self-protection around our hearts and lives... that was the only way to survive that kind of trauma as a child... we somehow have to disconnect from the confusion and pain... but when we take that self-protection into adulthood it is not healthy for relationships - It is actually sinful - because we become selfish and don't love as God commands... hence relationships are real difficult...
You said this "when I actually have to connect with another human being and be open and honest and intimate, especially sexually, well that just brings back all kinds of ugliness I don't want to remember"... that is because the only intimacy you experienced as a child was abuse and neglect... when my uncle abused me I was starving for affection, love and affirmation... I had a trusting relationship with him that turned bad... that abuse was the only touch I remember as a child... so in that confusion we are scared of intimacy in any relationship because intimacy = sex = abuse and that is dangerous to us... and it takes time to untangle all this stuff...
You see I have also grown up in a home with alcohol, anger, fights, beatings, sexual abuse, I don't remember having one mother/daughter talk at all... she tried once when she caught her brother molesting me... at that point I had already been sexually abused for 9 months time by another live-in uncle... I was angry and very closed in... even if she tried I simply was not capable of hearing anything... remember now I was behind my wall of protection... and my Dad, I remember his belt... as a grown adult I've knelt by my bed and desparetly tried to remember one hug from my dad to no avail... I was so angry... that is the moment I knew I could crawl into my heavenly Father's arms for that comfort and affirmation... you see "I get it"
As far as addiction is concerned, I also have tried it all... drugs, alcohol, sex, masturbation/porn, shopping - $24,000 in credit cards all for nothing, food - I just desparately wanted to feel good about something... but what I have truly learned is that
"ONLY JESUS CAN MEET THE DEEPEST NEED OF YOUR HEART"...
Trusting - that is very difficult for victims of abuse... understandibly...
What are your feelings and convictions about having sex outside of marriage?
The last point I want to touch on... You said "Something I struggle with, too, is thinking that the things I went through were not "bad enough" to warrant all this depression and everything." WRONG... abuse victims try to deny or minimize the pain they've gone through... no big deal... that was so long ago... that is so, so wrong... and if your friends have never gone through such pain they can't understand the depth of it all... when I started my counseling for my child abuse... it took me six or seven weeks before I was able to shed one tear... my counselor asked me if I had been able to cry... I said this was the first time... and the tears just flowed... I wasn't sobbing... but the tears came from deep and I couldn't stop them... she told me, "Diane, you are starting to feel"... I was scared of these feelings, but I knew I was safe, and I knew that I wanted to be well, and I was willing to stay the course...
I'll let you decide if you want to respond here or on a private email... I'm here for you anytime... praying with you...
Sharing all this helps me to see what God has done in my heart these past three years... and I'm rejoicing and bathing in my heavenly Father's love... His love is truly amazing... So, so amazing... goodnight for now... keep talking young lady... take care... Diane
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Diane
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 03:59 am |
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I forgot... the website I found is http://www.kasama.com and the expert or counselor would be "Debra Wagner Gunn"... you can read her profile... she majors in sexual issues, abuse, trauma, addiction... relationships... she's a gem... they usually allow you to type one email and they will respond at no cost before you hire them...
But this website isn't only christian counselors... there are alot of fruitcakes on there also... so please be careful...
My second counselor, a psychologist, I wasn't sure if she was a christian, but she has respected my faith... so God has blessed me there... Trust the Jesus that lives in you to lead you...
talk soon... Diane
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 05:51 am |
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Hi. I don't mind replying here. Sometimes I feel very vulnerable, but I believe that someone else could learn from reading my posts, so I think its ok. I am 28 years old now. I was around 4 when I first viewed porn. I was around 10 when an older boy physically molested me. There were several other inappropriate experiences between then and after then, which I really have no clue if it was abuse or not or just children being children and I was just confused by it. The adults in my family often said inappropriate things and did inappropriate things, especially if they were drunk. I began "M" at a very young age and really never stopped. I would feel convicted by it here and there and stop for a while, but it would never last. I guess looking back I would do that mostly in times of stress, etc. When I was in relationships years ago, I felt that what I did wasn't normal and a few years back I even did research on different types of sex wondering what I was doing wrong and read about objectifying sex and others. It never really mentioned addiction, but I felt it wasn't normal. It wasn't until very recently where it has just become a greater problem and less of a secret problem that i have realized it is growing beyond my control. I can't recall if I have talked too much about my faith in my posts. I have read your posts and I am grieved at all the pain you have experienced. You are right in that our experiences are similar. I am glad that the Lord blessed you with a good man. I believe He has blessed me also and I believe that He put him in my life at just the right time and I don't know why, but I just feel he will understand and forgive me and not leave me. I want to be open with him before we get married. I know he will hurt, but I believe God will bring healing to us over time. My family was Catholic and so I grew up thinking I would wait until marriage, but I gave in to a man when I was younger. I knew I didn't love him, but I felt he loved me and I just needed that at that point in time. I was so angry at myself for YEARS after he ended things with me. He just told me after four months that he was moving for a new job. That's it. No discussion. I do believed he cared about me. He just didn't love me enough to stay with me. That's how I felt at the time. And I guess I eventually forgave myself for that and told myself I would wait again, but then another guy came along. He told me he saw himself marrying me and all that. I was "in love" with him in the way where rationality just flies out the window and I was so lonely at that point in time, I just gave into him also. I really did think at the time that we would end of being married, but we turned out to be completely incompatible. I have this problem with imagining myself married to a man and feeling "married" to him and so I think sex is ok. I haven't figured that out yet. But everytime I think I will wait until being married, it never happens, which is one thing that also made me realize I was an addict. If I wasn't, I think I'd have more control, though maybe with the abuse messing with my mind, maybe I wouldn't. I don't know. I am engaged to my current boyfriend, and I sincerely hope that we do end up married. He is a christian man. I guess we are just both passionate people and want to express our love in all ways possible. I am sure this goes against scripture, but I do it anyways...
I do feel I only have one close friend I could open up to and she lives in another town, so I feel I would have to fly there in person. Otherwise, it will just be a counselor I talk to. I do not trust anyone else. You are right in all you said. I have built up so many walls. I have almost never cried, maybe at a sad movie, but even then I feel my heart has grown so cold and selfish. I hate that and I want that to change. I have recently been able to think more about that first sexual experience and forgive myself because I was just doing the best I could at the time. I do tend to be very hard on myself. I have seen how those "walls" have become sinful now. I have realized that while I am not responsible for the things that happened to me as a child and in part may not be totally responsible for all the things I do as an adult in the sense that my childhood experiences shaped me to think a certain way, I have realized that I am overall responsible for the things I do now and I have seen how my actions hurt others and I hate that so much. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel a sense of helplessness about it at the same time. But I guess I have reached the point where I want to be totally responsible and stop hurting others and myself.
The intimacy thing is the most difficult thing for me. I just can't open up to people. Here it is easier because no one knows me, it is in words only, but in person I rarely open up about anything, even what movie I recently saw. When I do get closer to someone, it freaks me out and I want to run away or lash out in anger, completely confusing the poor soul talking to me.
Thank you for letting me know my struggles are "bad enough" to be causing so much mental stress. It is good to have validation. It will probably take me just as long to open up to a counselor. It will be like "pulling teeth" and I hope to find someone who can know how to drag things out of me.
I think the website you gave is outdated. It was a motorcycle shop? That's ok though. I think I need to do this in person. Even if I have to charge up a credit card, the debt is worth it.
I trust the Lord will take care of me. The closer I get to the Lord and to recovery, the stronger Satan attacks or maybe God is just testing me. I recently received an email from a man and he did nothing wrong, but it brought up all these emotions that I could see carrying that on and it leading to an indiscretion in the future. I told him I couldn't email him that I felt it would dishonor my fiance and was too much of a temptation, but I had never felt that before and it has scared me! Sometimes I feel I am getting worse instead of better. I hope I have already hit my "rock bottom".
I am praying for you too and all of us. Thank you for the support and advice. Good night.
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Diane
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Posted: Mon Mar 19th, 2007 12:13 pm |
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| Hi there, sorry about that website... it was a mistype on my part... http://www.kasamba.com I forgot the "b"... oooppps... again Debra Wagner Gunn... I am so confident in her as counselor... and she has been through all of it herself and worse... because of that she has challenged my heart like others have not been able to... she knows what she's talking about... I have been emailing her for over a year now... my life has changed immensely because of her input... God can change lives... I know... and I'm believing that for you... and this is only a suggestion... by all means follow your heart... the Bible says let the peace of God rule your heart.... that word rule means "umpire"... so as you seek His face and His guidance go where the peace is... I will respond to the rest of your post before the day is over... God's best to you this day... Diane
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Tue Mar 20th, 2007 07:15 am |
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| Diane-I sent you a PM
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 04:42 am |
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| I have a question for everyone regarding counseling. Diane, you mentioned an online counselor worked well for you. Has anyone else experienced this? Part of me feels that if I seek counseling online, it keeps things kind of "in secret". And it also brings up trust issues for me. How do I know this person is really trustworthy if I can't see them face to face? Should making it public, so to say, that I am in counseling be part of recovery or is it ok if its still kept a "secret"?
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Diane
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Posted: Wed Mar 21st, 2007 05:10 am |
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seekinghealing... I've spent the last three years in counseling... 95% of that was face to face... the online counselor came at a time when I paniced cause my regular counselor was way overbooked... and I was getting flashbacks for a rape I experienced... scared me to death... I had just started chatting with my counselor online when Dr. Kate, the pychologist who helped me deal with the rape issues, was recommended to me... she majored in PTSD and sexual trauma...
I continued with my online counselor because we became more friends than just counselor/client... now we just email eachother... but I have used her services online here and there as a counselor... but even though she has helped there were many times I wish we could have been face to face...
My first choice would always be face to face... because that is what I trust the most... I see you have the same thoughts...
I hope that helps... diane
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geeky_student
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 05:56 am |
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just so you know, God is not the tempter
God wants us to run away from sin, He will never let us to be tested beyond our limit. He always provides a way out. Seek Him, follow the path He shows you, and walk out of the dark cave.
God is with us let us listen to Him and obey Him
I will pray for you both
Keep clean! Remember, sex outsite marriage is dangerous and could seriously destroy a relationship--dont take this relationship for granted, nor your relationship with God.
Last edited on Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 05:58 am by geeky_student
____________________
For God, for her, for my parents, for own good.
tip: when tempted, think of God, think of that special someone you love.
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 07:55 am |
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Thank you for the reminders. I am trying to listen to the voice of God and obey. I know He knows best for me, but it is difficult. I haven't obeyed in so long...
Thank you for the prayers. I feel them from everyone.
Being in a relationship is difficult for me. I think I can stay away from the porn, but stopping sex in a relationship once it has started brings up all kinds of difficulties. The man misunderstands and leaves. I don't want that to happen. I know how that sounds, but I am taking one step at a time. God always protects me, so I trust things will happen as they should.
I'm trying...
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Diane
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Posted: Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 01:34 pm |
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Hi there, nice to see you here again...
seekinghealing... the main thing I see in your last post is that your relationship with your boyfriend / fiance is more important to you than your relationship with God... You fear losing him but you don't fear sacrificing your relationship with God in order to keep your fiance... That is not a healthy balance...
I know you are hearing us and we have challenged your heart and thinking... God Loves You so much young lady just the way you are... BUT He loves you too much to leave you that way... His goal is always to conform us into the image of Christ... You can desire and committ to not view porn or indulge in masturbation or even if you finally have the strength to not have sex outside of marriage, the motive should be because you simply love the Lord... that was when my life really began to change and heal... when I surrendered whole heartedly to the Lord... at any cost... I would do things HIS way... even in that I failed many times... but the difference was I did not want to fail... I did not want to sin... I found there is no relationship on this earth more important than my relationship with God.
The first and greatest commandment "Love God with ALL your heart, with ALL your mind, with ALL your strength... and the second commandment is to "love your neighbor as yourself"... You cannot have the second without the first... You cannot really love the people in your life without first loving God with your whole being... an impossibility... Your fiance was never created to "meet the deepest longings of your heart" he simply cannot... ONLY JESUS CAN...
Right now your relationship with your fiance is based on fear and insecurity... not love and committment... you fear losing him, you are insecure about him staying if you decide to do things God's way... That is just not a healthy foundation for a relationship... I know this is strong... and you are probably pissed at me... and I'm ready to take the punches... I simply care too much not to be truthful...
Think on this... pray about it... Life is all about choices... every day, every hour, every minute, every second... Choose You This Day who you will serve... It is a choice we all have to make... we understand how difficult that is when not totally surrendered...
and I know and truly believe you are trying.... I really do... and I so commend you for that... it takes courage... I pray God gives you the heart, strength and desire to do what HE knows is best for you, always.... Diane
Last edited on Tue Apr 3rd, 2007 01:37 pm by Diane
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Sat Apr 7th, 2007 08:11 am |
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Hi. Please don't think I would ever be mad at any of you for speaking life into me. I am in a battle which is lifelong. There will be smaller fights along the way that I will lose, but hopefully over time I will be stronger and things will be better for me. This is the first longer-term relationship that I have been in and I do not want to run away from it. I want to stay in it until it is clear that we cannot get stronger in the Lord together. I think there is hope for us. It just will take time. There are a lot of issues for us. We have both been through a lot. It is a long-distance relationship and we don't see each frequently, but little by little we are learning more about each other, becoming more comfortable with each other. I think we are both afraid to be fully ourselves because we are afraid of losing each other. Once we are certain we are committed to each other, we will be more free to stand our ground with each other. Does that make sense or have I completely lost it? I read my last post and it does seem that I am living to please man instead of God. Perhaps this is true. In my heart God is first place, but I guess not always. I believe my fiance loves me and wants what is best for me. We both have a strong desire to have a baby and because of the long-distance-that's really the only reason we aren't married yet-the long distance. I trust him and do not feel he is lying to me. I can usually tell when someone is, but at the same time I have spent most of my life being emotionally manipulated and brainwashed, beaten down, and taken advantage of. Over the past ten years, the Lord has undone some of that, but it leaves its remnant and sometimes I just get up caught up in sinful things and I can't see it. Next time that my fiance is physically here, we will talk and see where it goes. I don't want to have a baby before being married, so maybe he will agree to slow things down. I am drawing closer to the Lord and it has shown in life. I still struggle with depression and mental confusion, but I have more joy, health, and peace. Things are getting better and I hope they only continue to do so. but the closer I get to the Lord, the stronger the evil one attacks, so... thanks for praying for me...
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seekinghealing
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Posted: Sat Apr 28th, 2007 08:46 am |
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Well, just wanted to give an update. I have been able to stay away from the porn, which is a small victory. I know that was just a replacement for the love I needed from my heavenly father. I have begun to turn to Him. There is still a wall there that I just can’t cross, but I have been surrounding myself with hymns and God’s word. I know eventually the good will take over and knock those walls down! I am so grateful that God is patient. My relationship with my fiance is still good. I believe God blessed me with a good man, who is very patient and loving to stay with me. Sometimes I think he is settling and just doesn’t want to keep looking. I hope he grows closer to the Lord as well. I know God has a great future in store for us. I have high hopes that our children will be blessed and have a very strong purpose. I see the Lord working in us, preparing us for our future. I have been focusing too much on my past. Yes, it was traumatic. Yes, it was painful. Yes, to this day it causes me problems. But, I am an adult now. I must leave my childish ways behind. I think sometimes I act like a child because I didn’t get to have a normal childhood. So I want to live one now. But I must let that part of me die. I must look to the future. My childhood trained me in many bad ways, but thankfully God's word overwrites all that and retrains my mind for good.
Life is wretched when it is not centered on the Lord. I know this. My life has been centered on the Lord in the past. I don’t know why I am wallowing around in the mud now. I think being in a relationship just triggered things for me. But slowly they are being worked out. I hope. Maybe I am deceiving myself, but I trust that when I focus on the Lord, all will work out as it should. I know I cannot be perfectly healed overnight, but it gets better over time. Thank you to all who pray for this confused wounded soul of mine. I love you.
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