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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 12:11 am |
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| Hi, my name is Diane... 46 years old, married 22 years... I have completed just short of three years of counseling dealing with some child sexual abuse, abortions and rape... finally have been able to admit I struggle with sexual addiction... It was suggested by my counselor that I try abstinence for a while... I'm going crazy... this is too hard... it just all does not turn off for me... just need to talk... I have searched high and low for a site that helped women that were struggling with sexual addiction. I have to be honest and say I'm hesitant in hearing from men or speaking with men. I understand that stems from my abuse and rape. But if I look beyond my fears and to the heart of the men I've seen speaking on this site I have to say I have been both blessed and ministered to. Thanks guys... maybe for contributing to a little more healing in my heart... But I'm anxious to hear from some of you ladies also... It felt good to write... thanks for listening... Diane
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 12:33 am |
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Hi Diane,
I am unequipped to comprehend your struggles, but am praying for you. I hope that your husband is supportive in this process, and that God is bringing any healing that may be needed to your marriage.
TruthSeeker
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Diane
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 05:08 am |
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| Hello Truthseeker... thank you for the prayers... you said you cannot comprehend my struggles... have you ever dealt with abuse or sexual addiction? I have come a long way... I've accomplished much in and with the Lord these past three years... I'll try to be brief but I will share my story... my early childhood was surrounded by alcohol, parties, fights, beatings... when I was 9 & 10 years of age I was sexually abused by a live-in uncle... he flooded me with porn/masterbation/among other things I don't need to get into... many things a nine year old child was not prepared to handle... We moved, he moved out, the abuse stopped... but I became obsessed with porn/masturbation as a teenager... sometimes 4 or 5 times a day... at 17 I left home, joined the army, first time I had consensual sex I became pregant... scared and alone I chose to abort... my child died, and I died also... one month later I was raped... I became totally numb to life... turned to drugs/alcohol/sex to ease my pain... alot of empty one night stands... I feel like I lost "me"... In the midst of that I became pregnant again... I aborted my child again... I remember leaving the clinic in a taxi... staring out the window in a daze praying "Lord, I so want to do right but I can't"... I received orders to go to Germany... upon arriving God surrounded me with Christians... good, Godly people and within 3 months I was saved... I found the love of my soul... and have never turned back... but as a single christian adult woman I still struggled with masturbation and porn... a few years later I met and married my husband... a Godly man... but even after marriage I was surprised to still be struggling so with masturbation... he didn't know at the beginning... I felt so little of myself, so insecure of even him loving me, that I could never bring myself to tell him... I served the Lord as best I could, I've loved Him so... but I had this dark secret... the battles became fewer and farther between as I grew in the Lord... but they always managed to come around again... so I served the Lord faithfully in my church home... was worship leader for 15 years... in 1999 God sat me down... then began a season of healing my broken heart... I hit bottom, depression, anger out of control, hurting the people I loved the most... but for the first time I began to see myself... I sought counseling... I went through post abortive counseling 5 months... took a break then began 6 months of counseling facing my child sexual abuse... was okay for a few months after... then started having flashbacks of the rape I went through... so I had to face that... and I have... God has healed so much... and I've written three songs through all of this... You had asked about my husband... He's been a gem... he has been so, so patient with me... giving me the space and support I needed to work through these issues and heal... He's a good listener if I'm not "angry"... and now I have a counselor who has challenged my heart and attitude about sex... and she sensed things out of focus and asked me if I ever considered sexual addiction... no I hadn't.. I researched and I saw myself... I was angry... My battle has been why do I go there when I'm content in my marriage... my counselor suggested abstinence for a while... like I said earlier I have found it to be so, so difficult... and I'm just realizing how this has controlled most of my life... that this really is a problem... and yes my husband knows... he's hurting... he's hurt alot these past 22 years living with a defensive, angry woman who was working so hard to protect herself... I wasn't free to love and be loved behind my walls... For the first time in my life there are no more secrets... just much temptations that i don't know if I can handle sometime... It will be two weeks tomorrow that I haven't acted out... my husband is trying to understand... He believes I'm really trying... and I am... It is a choice everyday... but sometimes it is so, so difficult to get through that day... and that is where I'm at.... thanks for listening and again thanks for the prayers... feel free to ask me anything... like I said no more secrets... and I'm willing to do anything to be free... Diane
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 02:00 pm |
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Hi Diane,
I rejoice with you for all the miracles that God has wrought in your life thus far.
Some might have described my father as domineering, others might have called him emotionally abusive, but no, I would not really say that I know abuse firsthand. I came here to learn about pornography addiction when my H was struggling with it. One might say that I am addicted to procrastination, (I do have time management issues,) but to truly put that in the same strata with your struggles would not be just to the magnitude of your struggles.
I do no the pain of losing a child, and am glad that you have received counselling for the two that you grieve.
Thank you for sharing your hear so openly. You never know who else may need to read your story.
TruthSeeker
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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
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Posted: Sat Feb 24th, 2007 02:42 pm |
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| Hi TruthSeeker... thank you for your kind heart... my heart goes out to you in your struggle and pain to understand porn addiction... I pray God has ministered to your heart through this site... I posted my story in the introduction section also... I'm so scared to speak with men... thought I would walk through some fear... I just so appreciate the humbleness and brokenness I see before the Lord from these men... I've realized these past three years that men really have "hearts"... they feel and they hurt and they struggle... I guess it's taken me this long to see them as caring human beings... I also have a dear friend who is struggling immensly with her husbands sex addiction... hearing her pain has helped me to maybe understand the pain I have caused my own husband... can you share your journey some in dealing with this... I hope you don't mind my asking... I'm sad to say I fell last night... no excuses... I felt sick... I feel sick... Even for just five minutes I really didn't need to be there... and this morning I loved (?) my husband... Does any of this make sense!!!! Still struggling with sorting all of this out in my heart... Diane
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truthseeker
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Posted: Sun Feb 25th, 2007 12:10 am |
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Hi Diane,
Yes, this site has proved very beneficial for me, as I hope it will for you. I'm not sure that I have any insight on the why, but I have observed that SA seems to run in two main patterns. One is to isolate and distance oneself from one's spouse. The other is to compartmentalize it and have a reasonably "normal" (whatever that means,) relationship with one's spouse. Perhaps you might want to start a topic to explore this dicotomy in the general forum. I wonder if one has more to do with intimacy issues and the other is connected more with coping with stress? I really don't know.
The links below are to various pages on BlazingGrace on which I have shared more specific personal info, as well as some poems I have shared. As a writer myself, if you would like to share, I would be interested in reading the lyrics you have written, though that might do best in the other topics forum.
My story:
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum10/308.html
Other struggles:
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=716&forum_id=10&jump_to=5111#p5111
In Your Hand
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum10/443.html
Temptation
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum21/565.html
Roaring Lion
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/forum21/442.html
Coincidence
http://www.blazinggrace.org/forums/view_topic.php?id=740&forum_id=7&jump_to=5319#p5319
TruthSeeker
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Diane
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Posted: Wed Feb 28th, 2007 04:11 am |
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Hello Truthseeker... I read the links you posted... you are a wonderful writer... and thanks for sharing your story and your heart... I've had much chance to do alot of thinking this past week... Truthfully I'm in the best place I have been in all my life... Yesterday's have been healed and I'm so grateful... this is the first time I face this issue as a "today" issue and not a "yesterday" issue... I am learning that I have turned to masturbation as my safe place... a place of comfort all my life... I guess to deal with so much pain... or the way I've handled any stress, lonliness, anger, and the list goes on... I've also learned that the physiological affects has my body programmed to have that "fix" or that "high" when it becomes so demanding. I'm learning to turn to healthier alternatives... The most difficult thing for me is when I realized how much of a stronghold it all had on me when it was suggested that I abstain from any sex for a while... (back in January) and yes I discussed this with my husband... He had had no problem with that idea... I seem to have the stronger sex drive of the two of us... But I've also found that it hasn't been a strong sex drive... but it has been a demanding of sex on my part... I wanted it , I was going to get it, and if he couldn't come through or say no, I would get angry, rebel and take care of myself... It has been an unending cycle... and the cycle always ends up empty, guilty, and full of shame... In my first posting I believe I mentioned my slip, (my sin) in viewing a pay-per-view. I haven't done that in a long while... I have since repented before my Father in heaven... I've asked myself why... I believe it was to see how I would react... and I actually didn't... I was turned completely off... It was disgusting, degrading and it was not at all what my husband and I had. What we have together is beautiful... I believe sex was never meant or created to be viewed from the outside looking in... but to be experienced and expressed from within our hearts and within eachothers arms... I think what I am learning the most lately is how, and for what I have actually used sex for... and that I have been so, so selfish... especially in my own marriage... Both my husband and I have been more relaxed just being together lately... it blows my mind that I have actually experienced intimate moments with my husband that didn't even have to involve sex lately... I actually never realized that was even remotely possible... I don't know if I am making any sense but it simply feels good to talk... thanks for listening... goodnight for now... Diane
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truthseeker
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Posted: Thu Mar 1st, 2007 02:28 pm |
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Hi Diane,
Thank you for your kind words about my writing.
I am so thrilled that you are experiencing growth in intimacy. I particularly liked the way you put this: "I believe sex was never meant or created to be viewed from the outside looking in... but to be experienced
and expressed from within our hearts and within each others arms..." That is exactly, I believe, what Scripture teaches us, and what I have experienced personally.
Praying with thanks and praise for the healing thus far, and for the deepening of the intimacy you are beginning to experience...
TruthSeeker
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Diane
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| Joined: | Tue Feb 20th, 2007 |
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Posted: Fri Mar 2nd, 2007 04:50 am |
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Goodevening TruthSeeker, I would like to say thank you... thank you for your prayers... and yes God is so, so deserving of praise and thanksgiving... I met with my counselor today... and I have been thinking of something you mentioned in one of your previous replies " but I have observed that SA seems to run in two main patterns. One is to isolate and distance oneself from one's spouse. The other is to compartmentalize it and have a reasonably "normal" (whatever that means,) relationship with one's spouse....... I wonder if one has more to do with intimacy issues and the other is connected more with coping with stress? I really don't know."
I think you know more than you let on... give yourself some credit... I have seen first hand the pain my friend has expressed in dealing with this issue because her spouse struggles with SA... It has helped me see reality... I respect the compassion I see in your replies... that kind of compassion means you've been through some things... As yourself, though maybe in different ways, we have faced pain... after these past three years of counseling, processing, and healing I know I will never, never look at people's pain in the same way... the hurting in the Body of Christ simply need a safe place, to talk, to confess, to be honest, to fail and get back up and learn from it without harsh judgement. and Oh yes, I believe in the truth of God's Word... It's only in that Truth that I have found healing and continue on my way to wholeness... God's Truth is simple... but the journey to healing is not that simple...
You used words like compartmentalize, isolate, distance, intimacy issues, stress... All of that is so true... those are the very things that are being torn down in my life... I have lived two different lives it seems... No really I wasn't living at all... When I was in the army I had a poster in my room that read
"God loves you the way you are,
but He loves you too much to leave you that way"...
"I believe sex was never meant or created to be viewed from the outside looking in... but to be experienced and expressed from within our hearts and within eachothers arms..."
Truthfully those words are what the Lord dropped on my heart when I was repenting of that slip (sin) I mentioned earlier... that is from the heart of God... There is a scripture in proverbs 25 vs 3 or 4 ?? It talks of the silvermith ... heating silver so the impurities (dross) float to the service in the heat... when the dross is removed what's left is pure silver... I remember crying out to the Lord this past summer at my camp one day... I was so battling with all this stuff... I believe the Lord told me I struggled with my sexuality... but that He is removing the dross, the impurities, but what is left has value and worth... my sexuality has value and worth... He poured that truth into my spirit... today I met with my counselor... she also rejoiced with me in the intimacy I'm experiencing... she talked of compartmentalizing also... that is what reminded me of what you said... but this time she put it on a spiritual level... we live like our sexuality is separate from our spirituality... but its not... It's all part of who I am as a person... not one without the other... or separate from the other... that ministered to me greatly... because the last 4 months or so I've had difficulty spending time with the Lord... Now I know it's only because I was into something that really separates us, God and I... the immorality of porn, the selfishness of masturbation, the isolation from my husband... I was convicted and I was angry at God for reminding me I wasn't in the place I should be... Hence I've avoided facing Him...
I started to write a new song .... "You are the searcher of my heart, You search for things keeping us apart, You deal with me, I wrestle Lord, till I surrender all... It's only there you can purify my heart"..... today I know why I haven't been able to finish it... cause I've been wrestling... and cannot go forward untill I truly surrender... and I really think I'm ready to... I'm scared sometimes... to let go... I really am... but I have to trust my heavenly Father... I simply ask for prayer that I would be at that place of surrender and and be found in my heavenly Father's arms... thank you... Goodnight... Diane
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