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lia
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Posted: Mon Aug 1st, 2005 05:01 pm |
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Hey, I feel weird, 'cos the forum seems to be mostly men but I hope my being here doesn't cause any discomfort, can I be accountable here? In reading everyone's comments, it has been a great help to me. Especially going in depth with describing one's experiences and taking note of the feelings you have when the urges start. I hope I don't get 'removed' I'm learning alot. I don't know who I intended this for, I think this may be for you Mike.
Ta, lia
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Mon Aug 1st, 2005 09:45 pm |
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Hi Lia -
You won't get removed, and you are welcome here. Sex addiction isn't just a men's problem, and at one other woman has posted on this forum with a similar struggle.
Please feel free to share. I've been contacted by a number of women recently who've reminded me that "this is something we struggle with too..."
Grace and peace to you.
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lia
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Posted: Fri Aug 5th, 2005 04:20 pm |
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Hi,
I have a question, I've read that a lot of sexual addictions stem from relationships with fathers. Is it the same with women? I seem to be aroused more by images of women than men? Does that point towards my relationship with my mother? or both parents? Can you help me with what questions I need to be asking myself? I was doing ok this week, but slipped up into looking at some images . Feeling like crap at the moment, but determined to kick this thing in the butt  . Would appreciate some help here.
Ta, Lia
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Fri Aug 5th, 2005 07:44 pm |
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Yes, most who struggle with sex addiction have father wound issues. In fact I don't think I've heard of one who didn't (who I thought was being honest).
What was your relationship with your mother like ?
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lia
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Posted: Sat Aug 6th, 2005 12:56 pm |
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I remember when I was little, she and I were quite close but I think when I got into intermediate (I think, you call it 'junior high'?) things changed and I started to hate her guts. Dad was really abusive at home and I think I hated her 'cos she didn't stand up to him and every time they argued she would either leave and go to her room (they had separate rooms) or she would just sit there and stay silent while he would be hard out yelling and swearing at her. I hated her for not speaking up and hated him for being abusive to everybody. And Mom has never really been a person to speak up for me in anything. I remember playing netball and one of the mothers on the sideline started yelling out some abuse at me which had everybody stop, and look at my Mom expecting a response and she said nothing. So, with Mom I was always angry, angry at her and angry at myself 'cos I'm having to try and deal with fear issues of my own, probably as a result of their relationship. I started masturbating when I was young, I can't remember at what age exactly. So, it could have been from all of this that was happening? However, I was also molested when I was little by an uncle who was meant to be looking after my brothers and I, while my parents went to work and he used to put my brothers in one room and take me into his. Am feeling a rush of emotions at the moment. I haven't really talked about it before...sorry.
Lia
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Sat Aug 6th, 2005 05:29 pm |
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>So, it could have been from all of this that was happening?
yes. An abusive father, disconnected mother - and then the trauma of what you went through with your uncle... it's amazing you haven't gone a lot farther than you have.
Do you suffer with low self esteem ? The situations you shared would have taught you that you couldn't be loved, and if you did reach out for love then chances are you'd be abused, as was the case of the father and uncle, or ignored, as is what happened with your mother. So if being loved mean abuse or neglect, which means true love is impossible, what's left ? Comfort in lust/sex addiction.
The good news is that God can heal all of that, just as He has with me and others. The process will be painful and take some time. Do you have a journal ? You can start by journalling your feelings out and inviting God into the process. You will need someone there who can walk you through the trauma of what you've been through and then help replace the lies with God's love.
And, for final and true freedom, you will need to come to the place of forgiving those who have hurt you. Otherwise bitterness will continue to eat at your soul.
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lia
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Posted: Sat Aug 6th, 2005 06:12 pm |
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I just started a journal lastweek, as for finding somebody to open up to about this and to walk with me thru' the experience - I seriously don't know anyone I can trust except for my very close friends but they are not born-again and the ones who are born-again, I don't trust them. I'm too scared to trust them with this as I guess, I've seen them judge others before and I'm too scared to open up to them. I think I've experienced abuse from these people too. I'm just looking at everything I've written and I feel like a mess.
Lia
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Sat Aug 6th, 2005 06:48 pm |
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I would think that with what you've been through, it will be hard for you to trust someone. Are you plugged into a local church ? Or do you know of a strong local Christian church with a counseling ministry ?
It doesn't sound like the friends you have would be a good option.
Another thought - ask God to lead you to a person who you could work with.
And of course, feel free to post here. I do have a pastor friend in New Zealand who is a strong Christian that I might ask. If you want me to ask him, please let me know the city you're in.
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Sat Aug 6th, 2005 06:49 pm |
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| PS - I'm wondering, should I have a category for women who struggle with sex addiction in the forums ?
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Sat Aug 6th, 2005 06:53 pm |
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| PS again - I'll be posting a new article to the website in the next few weeks called "Healing Father Wounds"...
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lia
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Posted: Sun Aug 7th, 2005 11:32 am |
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mike wrote: PS - I'm wondering, should I have a category for women who struggle with sex addiction in the forums ?
Hey, why not??!!! That would be great! Since doing this, it has helped me a great deal. So, that would be fantastic, mike!
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lia
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Posted: Mon Aug 8th, 2005 01:51 pm |
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I thought I was doing pretty good, maybe I should have been asleep but I wasn't, my mind started to wander and I ended up masturbating. Took a lot of effort to pray, while still feeling embarassed and ashamed but I continued on to have my Quiet Time with Him.
I wasn't thinking of putting it on here, but because I find myself tapping into this place (seems to be all the time!) I clicked when I saw the word 'accountability'. Duh...I'm not very good with accountability however I'm glad I did this and am grateful that I can confess it here without judgement or criticism. Thankyou.
Lia
P.S Am praying for someone
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mike
Administrator
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Posted: Tue Aug 9th, 2005 06:47 pm |
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| Keeping our sin hidden gives it more power. To expose our struggles brings grace to the shame. You did the right thing by not hiding it.
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lia
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Posted: Sat Aug 20th, 2005 03:42 pm |
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Hey there mike...and steve 
Hi!!! Had been looking for a counsellor around here and apart from the phone book there were no Christian counsellors listed so...thank goodness for the net!!!!! This is probably common knowledge to everybody else, as you probably have it over there, but I found out that there is a Christian Counsellors Association here so I was thrilled to bits!!! There was one counsellor on the list, in my area, who specifically dealt with addictions and so was happy to see it's a woman. So will be seeing her nextweek and am excited!!! AND...I found a SLAA group in my area after yonks of hunting, so am having mixed feelings about that one. I'm excited but nervous at the same time. The one-on-one I can handle but the group one is a bit scary, guess I've gotta handle that one too. Okay, that was just a little update. Ta!
Lia 
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Aug 24th, 2005 05:56 pm |
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Lia, I want an update...
How are you doing?
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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lia
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Posted: Fri Aug 26th, 2005 02:19 pm |
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Hi Steve,
I attended my first meeting of SLAA lastnight and it was a bit scary, there weren't too many people so, in a way was pleased but then realised I was a bit more 'exposed' than I would have liked to be. I don't know what to think really, the people in there were really nice and helpful to me. It's a mixed group it had men and women but mostly men and there were only two women there. I was a bit late so I missed out on the reading that they did and from which everyone shared from. I don't know anything about the 12 steps, but one of the ladies in the meeting gave me some pamphlets to read up on.
How do I feel about my first meeting? I really don't know. Everything was just so new. Everyone was so open and honest about what they were going through and the relapses that they had that week, etc. I didn't say anything except to introduce myself and let them know that it was my first time there. Before people shared they would say their names and then say that they were sex and love addicts. I wanted to say something but in my head I was thinking, "I think I'm a sex and love addict." Is that because I don't want to admit it in front of people? I had no problems saying it to my counsellor but lastnight I couldn't admit it in front of people who are going through the same thing. Can you tell me what that's all about??? I almost had a relapse because I felt happy having attended the meeting that I almost masturbated but the consequences came into my head, example the guilt trips and decided against it. Now, that's a new thing for me, I don't usually think of consequences I pretty much just go for gold.
My time with my counsellor was really good. It was just a session of telling her about myself. She was really helpful and always reassuring me that I was safe and I was okay, that I'm not looney (phew!). I didn't ask her if she was a sexual addict herself, should I ask? I felt that she was really good and we just worked out a plan on what I wanted to achieve in our sessions. One of the things I picked up in the SLAA meetings is that they mentioned a 'Higher Power' is that referring to God? There was one who belonged to a Buddhist group and another who was into some kind of meditation group, is it still okay to be a part of that?
Will be seeing my counsellor again next week and will be going to the SLAA meetings again, it just bothers me that I didn't say I am a sex and love addict and I want to do that. Hokey pokey, that's me.
Ta, Lia
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Steve
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Posted: Wed Aug 31st, 2005 04:40 pm |
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Hiya Lia. I'm finally getting back to ya...
I attended my first meeting of SLAA lastnight and it was a bit scary, there weren't too many people so, in a way was pleased but then realised I was a bit more 'exposed' than I would have liked to be. I don't know what to think really, the people in there were really nice and helpful to me. It's a mixed group it had men and women but mostly men and there were only two women there. I was a bit late so I missed out on the reading that they did and from which everyone shared from. I don't know anything about the 12 steps, but one of the ladies in the meeting gave me some pamphlets to read up on.
Sounds good. Keep us posted on how things go with these meetings. I'll be very curious to see how thing go for you. I think 12-step programs are fantastic, but I'm also concerned about men either flirting with you or something discouraging happening. Know what I mean?
How do I feel about my first meeting? I really don't know. Everything was just so new. Everyone was so open and honest about what they were going through and the relapses that they had that week, etc. I didn't say anything except to introduce myself and let them know that it was my first time there. Before people shared they would say their names and then say that they were sex and love addicts. I wanted to say something but in my head I was thinking, "I think I'm a sex and love addict." Is that because I don't want to admit it in front of people? I had no problems saying it to my counsellor but lastnight I couldn't admit it in front of people who are going through the same thing. Can you tell me what that's all about??? I almost had a relapse because I felt happy having attended the meeting that I almost masturbated but the consequences came into my head, example the guilt trips and decided against it. Now, that's a new thing for me, I don't usually think of consequences I pretty much just go for gold.
Just keep going. Give yourself grace for not publicly admitting your addiction. It takes time. The fact that you went is a huge step! See, you're already processing and reflecting some important issues such as consquences, "guilt trips", your motives and your resolve to get better. I'm pleased with what I'm reading here. 
My time with my counsellor was really good. It was just a session of telling her about myself. She was really helpful and always reassuring me that I was safe and I was okay, that I'm not looney (phew!). I didn't ask her if she was a sexual addict herself, should I ask? I felt that she was really good and we just worked out a plan on what I wanted to achieve in our sessions.
Sounds like you have a good counselor! Feel free to ask her any question ... you have a right to that! Stick with her!
One of the things I picked up in the SLAA meetings is that they mentioned a 'Higher Power' is that referring to God? There was one who belonged to a Buddhist group and another who was into some kind of meditation group, is it still okay to be a part of that?
You bet. You're going to get free of your addiction and you're going to be a potential witnessing tool to those non-Christians!
Feel free to give us updates when you have a chance!
-Steve
____________________
"Isolation is bad for any man, but for the sexual addict it is fatal." -Russell Willingham
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metatauta
Member
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Posted: Tue Sep 20th, 2005 09:23 am |
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Sorry, I tend to disappear from time to time, but I usually show up again after awhile. Anyway, hello Lia, my name is Chelsea and I am here to let you know that you are ok. I'm not saying our addiction is healthy "normal" by stretch of the imagination, but we are not freaks. This is our cross in life, heavy and ugly tho it is and one day hopefully we will finally be able to get rid of it.
For quick clairfication as to who I am, I am a female sex addict and have been struggling with it since I was a child. Masurbation is my biggest struggle. I am a very, VERY visual person with too good of an imagination fro my own good. It is really only this past year that I realized what on earth I was doing. I think for a very long time I was in denial about it, but now I am overhauling my life and this is one fo the prime things I am attempting to get rid of.
I am currently in counseling but not for my addiction. However the problems I am currently dealing with are some of the underlying roots of my addiction and are part of the reason I have never been able to speak of it to anyone before God led me here.
As a final note I apologise if this makes very little sense as I am writing it very late and with very little sleep. however, I felt it too important to let you know that there are other women out there struggling with this to wait another day. Unfortunety, we've been fed the lie that its a "man's problem" for so long that women are afriad to speak up. So to any other women who might be afraid to speak up for fear of being called a freak or a lesbian or whatever, its not true. Satan uses that fear to keep us quiet and he's been having his way for far too long.
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imnotalone
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Posted: Wed Oct 5th, 2005 06:55 pm |
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Hi Ladies, and Mike,
I am a sex addict, I've been struggling with pornography, not very long, but enough to know that its taken power over me, and as much as i don't want to look or i know its wrong to look, i am drawn to it. And i too have been more drawn to looking at women, which of course has me questioning my sexuality, often, and because i am also married for 23 years. I look back and it started more in my mind first just thinking about some of the things, never acted out, but when i had opportunity, being at home alone afte working for 6-7 years in the field of addiction, i had the perfect opportunity, and i wasnt really looking for it, but once i found the websites that i could just click and see anything i wanted to look at , i was hooked, i couldnt wait until my husband and kids left so i could secretly look at the pornography. All the while knowing this was wrong, it gave me some satisfaction, i felt i was not getting from anywhere else. My marriage was struggling at this time, felt emotionally distant from my husband as well as physically, and this made me feel good, and i kept telling myself that it was ok because he we not meeting my needs. Although this was over only a 2 month perioid it became so strong that i took risk to look even while my family was in the house, either awake or sleep, i took every opportunity to look and i told myself that i felt better, but i didn't because it did not change anything in my marriage, it did not change anything in my life, i was still just as lonely and empty, and kept fooling myself to think that this fulfilled me all the while i would go out into the world, (literally) feeling like everyone knew my secret and feeling that guilt, and sick feeling, asking myself what is wrong with me. I kept this up until i called a group that i found on the internet, that addresses issues like me for women, turned out the women on the other end of the phone i had worked with in my work as a substance abuse counselor, had also struggled with this problem, i began to go to meetings with a small group of ladies, unfortunately these groups, ended because not enough committment, i went back to work, no relapses, ended up quitting for other reasons, again found myself alone, because i dont believe i really dealt with the root of my problems and have began to struggle with pornography again, i had even started to get into the cyber sex chats, which is the next step in this problem, i realized that i was actually committing adultery, i today am looking like you for that accountability because it is a very important part of change, no secrets just being able to be honest with my self and with others and God already know my thoughts , so nothing is hidden from him, and i started to look for a place where i can be accountable and help others in the process, being a substance abuse counselor i know i can't do this alone. Most importantly i know that God is the answer, and has the power to help me overcome, if i will allow him to be in control. There is more, one thing i plan to do is to try to get the support group started back up , so that other women will have a place to come to when they get to the point of surrender and need to know that they are not alone. Wanted to let you know i read your post and you are not alone, this is a very hard thing for people to accept, because of the shame and guilt that comes along with admitting it, to yourself and to others. With Gods help and Love we can and will overcome and be used of him to help many others. Glad I found this website, because i've been looking. God Bless hope to hear from someone.
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Carli
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Posted: Fri Nov 25th, 2005 09:30 am |
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Hi all,
I'm struggling with issues of sex, lust etc. I thinkk for years I've been unsure what was ok and what's not. I convinced myself for a long time that foreplay with a partner was acceptable, and inevitably went too far more than once. Getting back on track with God has been a huge struggle, I'm finding it really difficult to overcome guilt, and to accept that God is willing to forgive me at all.
Every time I think I'm doing okay, I muck stuff up again. My head is all over the place.
Just reading what you guys have been writing has really helped, I hope it's ok if I kinda join this forum?
Ta Carly
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